My mum passed away :(

[suef23]

Im just so lost at the minute and my anx is through the roof. My mum passed away a few days ago suddenly and i dont know what to do. I went to her house and found her and tried to revive her there an although it worked for awhile she didnt make it. Now i am finding it so hard to go back to the house even though i know my dad is there alone grieving. I just feel so useless and selfish at the minute. My anx has made me very agrophobic over the last few years which means i havent seen or looked after my mum as much as i probably should have and now alls i can feel is this overwhelming sense of guilt, i feel like such a failure to her an now to my dad. These stupid panic attacks have ruined my life for so long and i just want to scream right now at how ive wasted my life with them and yet im still letting them win.
I so worried my mum didnt think that i loved her because i hardly saw her even though we spoke on the phone most days. She was a drinker and im so worried that her being lonely led to her drinking which then killed her. Im sat here crying my eyes out as i write because it breaks my heart to think of her lonely. Im starting to feel like i have no right to miss her because i didnt appreciate her when she was alive. Ive never had to grieve for anyone really close to me and this is so much harder than i ever thought it would be especially with my anx so bad too. I feel so empty inside and yet feel like theres a knot in my chest and sometimes my head that just wont go away.
My anx is so bad an im so frightened i snapped at my husband today and we had a row and we havent spoken all day. I feel so so alone right now and i just dont know what to do. I cant sleep, im eating bits and thats only because i have health anx an hate the thought of going dizzy because of my blood sugar (see how it rules every waking moment?) my sister is expecting me to go see my dad tomorrow with her and i want to be strong but i dont know if i can, i want to be strong for all of them but right now my anx is takng over everything. Im so worried it.ll escalate and i wont want to go out ever again.
Such an awful time right now and im so lost - any words of comfort from people who i know, know exactly what anx does to you would be great
Thank you

Sue xxxxxx

[jessicalittler79]

so sorry about your mom ,i can kind of relate my sister pass suddenly also and it has ruined my life ,i wasnt there for her b/c i wasnt able to leave the house because of my health anx and panic attack and ive live 4 years feeling so gaulity its so hard to think its my faulit .....but it will get easier for u its been 4 years for me and its gotten alittle better ...u did what u could to trying to save her ...iam sure she knew about your anx please dont blame your self it will make it worse .....i hope u feel better soon iam here if u want to pm me .....tc xxxxxx prays go out to u and your family threw this tough time

[Meewah]

Sue, Sorry to hear about your Mum. Now is a great time to find the stength to get out and help your Father. This is what your Mum would have wanted. Use this time to stop thinking inwardly and think about others. Make it that your Mums passing brought new shoots of hope with you using this needy time to help your father and support him through grief by sharing it together.

I hope you feel your needed more than ever now,

Mee

[theharvestmouse]

Sorry to hear about your Mum, at times like these you can find inner strength to be strong, think about how your Mum would want you to be strong for your Dad and just try to be there for him, I'm sure she knew how much you loved and cared for her.

[Littlehelper123]

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum - we are all here for you xxx

Just try to distract yourself. I know what it's like losing someone you love and the best thing you can do is to do things. The more time you spend doing nothing , the harder it will be to get back to normality.

Think about it this way - Your mum wouldn't want you to sit around being sad - it's hard ...my God it is , but our loved ones will always be with as even when they have passed.

Talk to people - maybe confide in a few friends and family and all lean on eachother at this sad time

If you wanna talk some more feel free to inbox me. I lost my brother in a motorcycle accident 5 years ago and I lost my grandad in August 2011 from Cancer.

Stay strong hun xxx

[vicky23]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. It's totally natural you're feeling lost and alone. In a situation like this when you're grieving everyone goes through stages of guilt feelings, anger, anxiety. You're just focussing your guilt on ''not being there'' I put this in speech marks but it's important to know if this is true fact or if your sense of loss is magnifying small things. I think that if you were on the phone most days then your Mum would have a feeling of being loved by you. I think the point I'm trying to make is that even if you spent 24 hrs a day with your Mum your grieving mind would still search for something to pick out that you 'could' have done better.
I think it's a funny expression that mainly is used by us English where outpouring of emotion is not as normal as in other countries. I bet your Dad is thinking the exact same thing 'must be strong for the girls' but maybe what would be more comforting and healing would be for you all to let yourself express your sadness together.
With love and prayers
X

[Connor_cbt]

Hi Sue,
Firstly I am sorry to hear of your loss, you have my deepest sympathy. It is completely normal to experience a sense of guilt, especially when someone is taken from us suddenly. The feeling of unfinished business is quite natural however it is not the truth, it is simply your mind trying to cope with a huge shock. Many families live in different parts of the country these days and in many cases even different parts of the world and are unable to see each other often as they would like. The important thing is you spoke regularly and she would have known she was often in your thoughts and you spent time talking to each other which is just as good.
I do think that it would be a good idea to force yourself to visit your father, the longer you delay it the harder it will become and it sounds like you both need each other right now. Give yourself time to heal and dont expect too much too soon but dont retreat into yourself as you have family that will no doubt love and support you if you give them the opportunity.

Wishing you all the best,

[london]

my mum passed away 4 years ago this feburay
i think we all get guilt when some one dies
but your mum did know you loved her you dont have to say it to show it
it will get better for you
good bless

[miss polly]

I'm so sorry for your loss ~ you must be devastated and your anxiety is making an already unbearable situation even worse. Can you go to the doctor and talk about how you feel? They may be able to offer you something to help you get through this sad time. I'm sure your mum knew you loved her. She knew you were fighting your own battle with anxiety and would have wanted you to be happy.
The best thing you can do in memory of your mum is try to calm down and get yourself well. As a mum myself, I couldn't bear the thought that my children were unhappy and I know your mum would want you to stop chastising yourself and feeling guilty for what you did or didn't do. I think we all feel guilty when someone we loves dies because none of us are perfect or behave perfectly all the time. There's always room to berate ourselves. It's a useless wasted emotion though and one I know your mum wouldn't want you to have.
Get well and be happy. That's all your mum would want. xx

[nicola1980]

Im so very sorry for you loss i cant even imagine the pain your feeling right now, we are all here for you :hugs: :hugs: x x

[Wolfie]

Thinking of you right now hunni, please always remember that we are all here for you at this extremely difficult time xxxxxxxxx Sending you love and cuddles xxxxxx

[pinkdove]

So very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.

sending you hugs at this sad time :hugs: :hugs:

and praying you find the strength to help your dad and yourself get through this sad time xx

[snowgoose]

sorry to hear about your mum ...........the shock must have been horrendous and no wonder you feel so awful .it is shock ...real physical shock and it will take time to heal ..as is the psychological wound xx
As others have said we are here for you :hugs:
Please dont worry about not physically seeing her every day ........you phoned and had chats ............she of course knew you loved her and had difficulties getting out and about .
Go see your dad ...stay strong lovely lady ok? it doesnt have to be for long .you will all be exhausted and over strung so little and often contact is the key .
It doesnt mean you cant use phone instead sometimes ........just hearing your voice will comfort your dad ...and hopefully you also.
Stay close here .
sending a cuddle :bighug1:
snowy x

[eden.eden]

Very sorry to hear news about your mum. Mine died 7 years ago and I know the loss you must feel. Guilt that you contibuted to her death in some way is common and will pass. x

[happycamper]

Sorry for your loss Sue.

I can't add any more to the lovely replies you've had, but just wanted to say I lost my Dad in July suddenly and hadn't seen him for 4 months as lived 300 miles away from my parents, I too have struggled with terrible guilt for not having made more effort.
But as people have told me many times, we aren't born to look after our parents and as adults we have to lead our own lives. I have to keep remembering this, while coping with the grieving process myself and try and somehow support my Mum at a great distance.
The pain does lessen, I promise. x

[blue moon]

Very sorry about your loss of mum,I know how it feels sending you my prayers and love.
Petra xx:flowers:

[suef23]

I am so so greatful to each and everyone of you who took time to reply to my thread, thank you so much it means alot. All your words of comfort are just what i need and many of you telling me it gets easier really helps. The words from you all mean alot because you know exactly what im having to deal with with the anx.
I feel a tiny bit more positive today as something made me realise today i cant sit round feeling sorry for myself i have to get up do what i need to do, slowly i know but things still need doin. Tomorrow i am going to try and get to my dads to see him (where it happened) right now lying in my comfy bed i feel confident but i think tomorrow will be a different thing altogether, but i know the longer i leave it the worse it will be and i also so want to be with my dad and sister, i need them just as much as they need me.
As i said i cant thank you all enough for taking time out of ur lives to reply to me. Im already feeling a lil better after a very bad day Sunday.
God bless you all

Sue xxxxxxxxxxxx

[eva82]

I am very sorry to hear about your mom... I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Xx:hugs: