My story...

[JennyJay]

I'm Jen and I've signed up for a bit of moral support. I'm a married mum of two who used to suffer really badly from agoraphobia, panic attacks, and I must have had 5 or 6 bouts of depression... including one REALLY bad one when I first got divorced! That was 10 years ago and I went on Seroxat and it saved my life.
Bit by bit it gave me worry-free minutes, these turned into hours then days - then a few years later I would go weeks forgetting I was ever ill. I always struggled with car journeys though and still don't fly but have been to South of France by train - had panic attacks but got through it.
3 months ago I started CBT as I was diagnosed with BPD (had irrational OTT losses of temper) and this was working so well I ditched the Seroxat. Not a great idea, with hindsight - went to Paris 6 weeks after I'd quit it - and had really REALLY severe, terrifying panic attack... that kicked off another bout of depression - pretty bad too.... Before Xmas felt hopeless, not looking forward to anything... no joy from anything, disconnected from my family, tearful, fearful, panicky it was VILE!! Anyway my wonderful doctor has put me on Sertraline... so far so good. I went on 50mg 2 weeks ago... Still spend quite a bit of time each day low and in tears, most days, but each day is just that bit better than the last, ie the 'down' bits aren't so extreme. I'm still getting panic attacks but they are really 'dulled' and although still unpleasant, don't seem to bother me as much.
My therapist is AMAZING. She just says keep busy even when and ESPECIALLY when I don't feel like it - housework, looking after kids, seeing friends, she says you need to have some sense of achievement each day and letting the house go to pot will just get me down.... She also advised getting out each day and doing stuff to take my mind off it - I've just done a 1000 piece jigsaw. Life in the fast lane, eh!? Have never done a jigsaw in my life before, but she was right, it did help... I guess your mind just needs a break.
Christmas was tough - I don't see my family (they're not great) but kind of felt like I 'should' have a big, happy extended family around.. felt sad, like I missed out in life... well maybe I did in some ways.
Had a really good mate and her kids to stay for 2 days - they just went today. I was so stressed - proper panic attacks before they arrived, I was OK some of the time but just low and self-aware for some of it.... It's horrible not feeling like myself.
Burst into tears when they left... had a good chat to my husband, he said I've done really well to have them here and cook and entertain and everything. Of course that's true - the problem is with depression you are so hard on yourself and don't give yourself credit for things.
Anyway I've rambled on enough - I just want to send anyone going through depression/agoraphobia/panic all the love I have in my heart. It's AWFUL and you're doing brilliant just to get through each day. Each and every one of you has my respect and very best wishes.
From my experience last time anyway the drugs DO work - just keep on taking the pills.

[william wallace]

:welcome::hugs:

[NoPoet]

Hi, welcome and thanks for sharing your story. It's sad that someone has had their life blighted by anxiety and depression, but I have already noticed a few interesting points.

1. You place the anxiety issues ahead of depression and in fact know how many bouts of depression you have had - at least the major ones anyway. (You probably had other bouts that were mild and you got over them without effort.) This suggests to me that your depressive episodes are caused by prolonged anxiety.

2. You reached a state of recovery on at least one occasion. So this shows your condition responds to treatment, and you have the ability to help to get yourself through.

3. Relapse after quitting medication is common (that's what I am currently going through). Therapy needs to have a relapse prevention side to it once you are starting to get better: heal the present, protect the future, as my CBT therapist put it. You need to stay on meds for AT LEAST 6 months after you think you're recovered. In fact I've got a new book on health anx written by CBT therapists and other experts who say if you relapse after meds, you should stay on meds for one year if you relapsed before; if you continually relapse, stay on them for two years after recovery. Of course, this depends on many factors.

4. You probably relapsed due to not resolving some of the underlying issues; maybe you can think of some apparently small things that wormed their way back into your mental defences. Treatment should not be stopped until the worms are found, dragged out into daylight and crushed. (This post has been supervised by the RSPCA.)

5. Christmas is tough even for people who have a wonderful time. Work stress, family issues, late nights, present buying, the list is epic. For those with anxiety and depression issues, it's a particularly trying time. Don't feel like you have been defeated if your Christmas wasn't perfect. Nothing is perfect, some years are good, some are crap.

5. Excessive self-awareness is common to anxiety sufferers and it's called "hypervigilance". For example, have you ever noticed how people who fear spiders are always the first to see one, rendering everyone else speechless except to say, "How did you find that? Well spotted!" Well, we fear a resurgence of anxiety or depression and notice EVERYTHING related to them. This comes from primitive days of football when Vinnie Jones was on the pitch, and the other team's players (and fans) had to know exactly where he was at all times.