.Poppy.
02-01-12, 22:12
....is it okay to acknowledge that something hasn't worked out, and *not* feel like a failure?
As some of you know, I started my first "real" job two weeks ago. (I worked for my father's company, and have worked my life on our farm and with construction, and have volunteered, but this is the first paying, not for family job I have had).
To put it bluntly, these two weeks have been h3ll. Now, I know that sometimes I can be a bit lazy - as can all people - but I also know that I work VERY hard at whatever I do and therefore don't consider myself to be a lazy person. I also consider myself to be a smart person, and in spite of my anxiety, I'm pretty adaptable. Pretty good at pushing myself most times. I get anxiety always when I start new things - when I started college, I was terrified and having panic attacks (and had a couple of weeks where I couldn't sleep at all at the end of the semester) - but it was never this bad.
I am technically a part-time employee, but it's winter break from college and most employees (though I understand only a handful are actually students) have taken it off. So they've got me working 8 hour days. It's in a deli restaurant, so I'm on my feet ALL day long, and I have gotten only two days off.
To sum up, I'm tired all the time. I find myself jealous of everyone that comes in, and how happy and carefree they seem. I cry constantly (not at work). I'm friendly to customers, but inside I'm either completely sad or extremely angry. At home, I'm irritable at best. I feel there is nothing to look forward to. I can't *focus* - I'll be wringing someone up and have to take a pause because I'm not reading right, or something similar.
My mother has told me that if it interferes with school work (and I imagine it will as they want me working 15-20 hours during the school week) that I can quit. I honestly don't know how I'll make it the next two weeks - I am that tired.
The job is also such that I don't have *exact* hours -today they asked me to come in a half hour earlier and stay a half hour later, so I worked an extra hour. Today was supposed to be an easy, short day.
So - I really think that I have to quit, however, I feel like a total failure for doing so. I feel like I'm not as adaptable as I thought I was, and that I'll never succeed at *anything* - which I know deep down isn't true, and that this line of work isn't for everyone, but it's got me feeling just awful.
Has anyone had to deal with this? How did you talk yourself down into believing that you weren't a failure? It's been such a short amount of time - and yet I sit here, after just crying AND getting angry at my family, with an awfully sore back and my costochondritis acting up. It's too much, I just feel awful to think that.
Thanks for reading my vent. Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated :)
As some of you know, I started my first "real" job two weeks ago. (I worked for my father's company, and have worked my life on our farm and with construction, and have volunteered, but this is the first paying, not for family job I have had).
To put it bluntly, these two weeks have been h3ll. Now, I know that sometimes I can be a bit lazy - as can all people - but I also know that I work VERY hard at whatever I do and therefore don't consider myself to be a lazy person. I also consider myself to be a smart person, and in spite of my anxiety, I'm pretty adaptable. Pretty good at pushing myself most times. I get anxiety always when I start new things - when I started college, I was terrified and having panic attacks (and had a couple of weeks where I couldn't sleep at all at the end of the semester) - but it was never this bad.
I am technically a part-time employee, but it's winter break from college and most employees (though I understand only a handful are actually students) have taken it off. So they've got me working 8 hour days. It's in a deli restaurant, so I'm on my feet ALL day long, and I have gotten only two days off.
To sum up, I'm tired all the time. I find myself jealous of everyone that comes in, and how happy and carefree they seem. I cry constantly (not at work). I'm friendly to customers, but inside I'm either completely sad or extremely angry. At home, I'm irritable at best. I feel there is nothing to look forward to. I can't *focus* - I'll be wringing someone up and have to take a pause because I'm not reading right, or something similar.
My mother has told me that if it interferes with school work (and I imagine it will as they want me working 15-20 hours during the school week) that I can quit. I honestly don't know how I'll make it the next two weeks - I am that tired.
The job is also such that I don't have *exact* hours -today they asked me to come in a half hour earlier and stay a half hour later, so I worked an extra hour. Today was supposed to be an easy, short day.
So - I really think that I have to quit, however, I feel like a total failure for doing so. I feel like I'm not as adaptable as I thought I was, and that I'll never succeed at *anything* - which I know deep down isn't true, and that this line of work isn't for everyone, but it's got me feeling just awful.
Has anyone had to deal with this? How did you talk yourself down into believing that you weren't a failure? It's been such a short amount of time - and yet I sit here, after just crying AND getting angry at my family, with an awfully sore back and my costochondritis acting up. It's too much, I just feel awful to think that.
Thanks for reading my vent. Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated :)