Will I be 'normal' ever again?

[Gregor]

Hi,

I've been reading these boards for a while, but never wanted to post anything as i didn't want to inflict my misery on others who are doing their best to be positive. However, i'm really struggling right now, i just need help or advice or to let off some steam!

I've had this anxiety for over 3 years now, which has gotten progressively worse to the point where until recently i'd been housebound for about a year. I live on the 2nd floor of my building and couldn't get down the stairs at all. The good thing is i've been out quite a few times in the last few weeks, with help. That's the positive and i know i should take a lot of heart from that.

The problem is i'm still feeling so bad most of the day and i don't know how to fix it. I've been waiting over 2 years for some sort of psychotherapist - or whatever it is - to help me, so i only really know what i've read on the internet on how to overcome anxiety. I find it immensely difficult to apply any techniques on myself, though.

I have suicidal thoughts at least once a day. If i wasn't so scared of death, i'd probably do it!

I'm sorry if this all sounds very morbid and negative, i just need to tell someone.

[marie ross]

Hi,

Please don't worry about posting anything you feel bad about, thats what we are here for, to listen. It's good that you are able to go out, just keep at it and slowly build up your confidence, if you feel that you cant do it one day, don't worry, just try again when you are ready, no pressure!!! You will get there and we'll all be here to listen to you.

Take care.

Marie XXX

[Coyote]

Hiya Gregor,

I know when I've posted to these boards to let out a bit of steam, it did help to make me feel better, so I hope it does you too.

Your state of affairs is similar to so many, and the good news is, you can reclaim your life and find yourself 'normal'. But its something that you have to work at - great work getting out, even if you needed help, because one day you won't need it. Those first steps are always the hardest to take, and it may take a while, but gradually working at your issues will soon reap big rewards.

But I know how difficult it can be to make those 'steps', and then when you start making progress, to keep it up. Hang in there and keep at them regarding the therapist, I could probably do with psychiatric assistance, but this is the real world, so I see an Occupational Therapist referred by my GP. She has been a great help to me, at one stage I was so normal I didn't need to see her.

A few years later, I was faced with similar problems, and now I see her again, but its a familiar face which helps keep the anxiety down. The days I can't bring myself to go to their office, she makes home visits because of the agoraphobia thing. Take any help you can get and don't be afraid to press the matter forth, because it seems the 'right' help is the last resort many doctors seem to take. (Not me being down on docs, I have a great GP, I mean more the whole NHS thing).

With the right treatment, even if it requires medication, can do wonders to all of us. The issues tend to be getting the psychological treatment, which in an ideal world would be 'fixed' at the same time. But you are like us, in the same boat.

You're not alone, remember that. Suicidal thoughts are not very nice to have, but its a sign of desperation. Many here, myself included, have had them too. But its amazing how much the little things can do to completely turn things around.

Praise progress, forgive setback,

Ricardus
http://RicardusG.bebo.com


"Where is the honour, the courage and will? The ability to smile - confined to a pill"

[ItWillPass]

Hi Gregor-

I, like many others, can certainly relate to your post. It feels like we are trapped. Several times I have just wished for my old life back. I have had anxiety for about 2-3 years as well. One thing that I can tell you, is that things do get better. I was also housebound at one point. But once you come to realize that it is just anxiety it does fade. I do still have some bad days, but they are getting less and less. I have come to terms that I need to allow myself to panic. I kept trying to fight it, but the harder we fight, the worst it gets. So, just let yourself feel what you are feeling... and know that it will pass eventually.

Heidi :)

[giddy]

Hi Gregor
Well done you and starting to get out and about again, you're taking the first steps to getting better - which you will do. It takes time and you will get there.
I'd recommend you read the Claire Weekes books 'self help for your nerves' explains whats happeniong to your body when you get all the horrible symptoms and helps take the fear away and 'essential help for your nerves' helps explain agoraphobia. The books have really helped myself and others on this site.
Take Care
Love Helen

[shalou74]

Hi gregor,

Your post struck a powerful chord with me because I remember feeling like you when I first started suffering from anxiety. My first bout was roughly 12 years ago and I was completely lost as to what to do about it. I seriously thought I was losing my mind. I'm now somewhat back where I started because I'm currently experiencing high levels of anxiety again. The only difference is I now seem to be able to deal with it better.

Back when I was first suffering I had no concept of how I was gonna ever be normal again and I had no idea how to cope. At one point I didn't want to go out and when I did I felt so awful I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. I eventually had some cognitive behavioural therapy referred through my GP and I'm glad to say it had a very positive effect on me. Once you know exactly what's happening to your body you have an opportunity to reclaim your thoughts and how you react to things. It's all about challenging the negativity brought on by the anxiety and not letting it take over.

You have made a start and with commitment I think you will only gain more strength. Do it bit by bit and don't beat yourself up if you have good and bad days. Any progress is progress in my book. I'm currently out of work and I'm extremely anxious about the prospect of never working again because of the anticipatory anxiety I feel. I'm sure I would be quite capable of doing something because I've done it before. Up until a year ago I was working and doing really well, I just so happen to have had a relapse and I'm now feeling far less confident than I did. What I keep in my head is the prospect that given some time I will feel better.

I think you should give yourself credit for even the smallest steps and keep posting so that we can all be of some support.:)

[jackie]

greg as you can see there is great advice here and all the above people have given you such warm advice i need to say no more

except that is to sy that you must not apologise for letting off steam as that is what we are hear for
secondly get the claire weekes book it is like having a therapist in your home

were here when you need us

take care

jackie

[reddevil]

Hi,

Use this forum to post your questions and thoughts, you will find you are not alone in this world and you will find comfort talking to people.

tony

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Hi gregor,

I can totally relate to what you're saying. I've had this now for 4 years. i started feeling unreal after I was prescribed Prozac and I've been thinking 'what if the drug has changed my brain chemistry for ever and i can never feel normal again?'

I've thought about death everyday for atleast the last couple of years. I get no respite from anxiety and it's hard for me to get much enjoyment out of life.

I would definitely say that we are both agorophobes. I'm not housebound, which is probably out of necessity because i simply can't afford not to go to work, however much I would love not to. Also, that would be too horrendous, stuck at home all day. I do, however, find it difficult going very far.

The wierd thing is though that I don't feel especially safe when I'm at home either, it's not like a big weight drops from my shoulders. I do though feel like just dropping everything and running home when I'm panicky.

I really would love to go and see the world and it depresses me that i feel trapped here.

fear-> paralysis-> frustration-> depression-> fear

I have relatively good days and i have very bad days. I never feel totally normal. It confuses me that years ago, when I had no insight into what was wrong with me and no tools for coping, when I would barricade myself into my room and wear gloves in the house as a barrier to hurting myself I had spells where i could drive to London and birmingham on my own and trouble free, yet I would find that very difficult now.

I find that the illness does evolve and certain things become easier and other things harder. i try and make myself laugh by likening it to an episode of Red Dwarf where an alien metamorpisises into everything that the crew fear most as they chase and corner it. I don't know whether you've ever seen it?

Anyway, my tips are to keep doing things a little bit at a time. It will be frustrating that you'll do something and you'll be really chuffed with yourself and it'll be easy and then the next time you go to do it it will be hard again. The biggest motivation for doing things is that if you don't do them then your comfort zone gets smaller and smaller until you can't even get out of bed!!

Read as much as you can. the more you understand about the illness, the easier it is. And it's a great comfort to know that other people have been through the same thing and survived.

I've always loved hearing people talking about their travels and I've always said 'I'm so jealous, I couldn't do that'. Of course I can. It's purely psychological. If I think that I'm 'born' the sort of person that can't do that and i have to accept my lot, then I'll never be able to do it. I tell myself that I can't do it because i'm scared of being so far away from home, and my subconscious registers it as fact and reinforces the limitation and the fear.

Don't worry about 'dumping' on other people. I've always been told that anxiety is a form of depression and by definition depressives are negative thinkers, so you're not alone. i think my biggest thing is thinking that I'm being treated unfairly and that i deserve much more than I get, when actually most of the time I have a negative attitude and don't put the work in to earn the rewards or the favouritism that I percieved there to be wasn't there at all.

I normally write essays, i find it good to get it all out. I came on here tonight looking for help and i feel so much better just putting down the things that i have learned and trying to help somebody else.



Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Gregor]

Thanks for all your replies and words of support/advice. It really helped just to get encouragement. I don't feel too much better than i did when i posted this, but i do feel more positive and willing to tackle this anxiety thing.

I've ordered one of the Claire Weekes books today, so hopefully that'll be here soon. Everyone seems to recommend her, so she must be good.

Thanks again for all your help.

Gregor

[chedda]

Hia gregor and welcome to the site:D
I am in the same position as you although you are braver than me ...well done on getting on the stairs:D. I too dont go out the house and havnt done for 12 months at all.I am also waiting for cbt therapy and i am also more positive since recently finding this site:D.
My attacks started about 11 years ago then dissapeared and restarted about 4 years ago but i coped or so i thought untill 1 day i realised i wasnt goin out at all...lol..still doesnt stop the symptoms but they not as bad.
On here you will find loads of good and positive advice.....well done i know how hard it is and you have taken a fantastic step forward:D
take care cheryl xx

[Kate C]

The simple answer is yes, you will be normal again but it takes time and patience. I endured severe anxiety for several years but a combination of medication (ssri and beta blockers) and also Claire Weekes' very wise advice helped to lift the fog and unknot the stomach.

One piece of advice is key - try to actively relax for a few short periods a day - that probably sounds impossible to you at the moment - but the more you practice the more the relaxation "habit" forms. It worked for me and I was in a pretty bad way I can tell you! Remember patience is the key and as Claire Weekes wrote in her books - Face, Accept, Float and Let Time Pass (most important that last one!).

Regards,

Kate

[PurpleRain]

Hi gregor,
I know how difficult living with agoraphobia is i totally understand how you feel and how hard it can be,its great that you were able to share with others on here how your feeling and i hope you get the help you need!
Remember that you can get better,dont beat yourself up if you have bad days as you recover we all do,take one day at a time and all the steps you make even if they seem small will build and you will gradually get your strength and confidence back.
I couldnt leave the house at all at one point then gradually started going out if someone else was with me,now im working on trying to leave the house alone. Over the past couple of weeks ive been down to the shops on my own something i really thought id never be able to do again but the little steps ( they are huge leaps to me really) i make are really helping and the more i do the more positive i feel for the future.
It was reading a claire weekes book that has really helped me,it gave me such comfort and reassurance and took away alot of this fear,i really hope that she can help you as much as she has helped me understand this illness and see that recovery is possible!!

I found a claire weekes audio download on the internet,if your interested in hearing it pm me and ill give you the link,i would post it on here but i was unsure of all the legalities of downloads(???) and dont want to get this or the other site in any bother.

And i agree with Kate taking time out to practice some sort of relaxation tecniques is essential!

Take care and hope you feel better soon!!! xx