Feel like I'm in the social abyss

[theharvestmouse]

Feel like its difficult to meet people my own age and make new friends. I'm 30 now and its a lot harder than when you meet people your own age at college or uni. I moved away from my home town 10 years ago, I did make some new friends but when the anxiety came and I cut myself off from them it changed everything.

Most stopped bothering to contact me, well nigh on all on them did. So now I'm looking at ways to meet people my own age. I've tried doing things like volunteer work, but when I went it was full of mostly retired and older people. I also did an evening class and it was exactly the same, full of older people. Every time I try a new thing and its like this I just feel like its pointless.

I want to do something where theres a good chance I'll meet people around my age and who are not into just going out getting drunk. I've been there and done that and now I want to so more worthwhile things.

Seems the norm to just go out every weekend getting legless, and I am struggling to know what to do anymore.

I suppose I just get fed up at being like a social outcast. I used to have a great social life and play football every week but now I'm like a recluse.

When I did meet people my own age, because it was on a course where I had to sit in a room and my anxiety was awful, I felt so embarrassed that I didn't ask to keep in touch with anyone.

I had one day last summer where I met a really nice girl and spent the day with her, we met by chance and my anxiety was ok that day. But she was from London and we were meant to meet up again but she went travelling and that was the end of it. ONe day of feeling fantastic and it was over.

I'm just feeling very low tonight, I'm trying to find out about things I can do but I get fed up with it all.


:unsure:

Its not like Im in the middle of nowhere, I'm in north Essex.

:shrug:

Suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself again.:lac:

[Carys]

This is such a shame that you feel this way, especially after you have taken proactive steps to 'get out there' despite feeling anxious and low. Don't give up on finding a social activity that could forge friendships, I think you've just not found the right one yet. It is hard at 30 as many people are settling down and moving on with partners, and this can leave you feeling alone irrespective of anxiety problems.

Now, bear with me here, What about joining a choir ? There are bound to be some in your area, community choirs (they are all the rage right now), some are quite funky and do show songs and have modern repertoires. Look up the 'Rock Choir' they are a national group and there will be one near you and you don't need any experience or ability to read music it is just about having fun. The great thing about most choirs is that there are a large number of women to men :winks:, they are crying out for men to join, and the range of ages will be nearer your own. It would also help your confidence and self-esteem.
OR, what about a drama group ? Local small groups can be great fun and people build real friendships through working together on projects.

---------- Post added at 21:06 ---------- Previous post was at 21:04 ----------

Are you interested in wildlife ? Local Wildlife trusts are crying out for people to take part in active/physical voluntary work.

OOoo, see, you've got me thinking now ! :roflmao:

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks for your reply Carys, they are good suggestions, I hadn't thought about joining a choir but I'm not sure that I would be able to, I can't sing and I would probably feel very uncomfortable in that setting. But I might look into it anyway because I am willing to try it if it helps me meet people.

I did some volunteer work for a conservation group and for the RSPB but I got fed up because all the people were older than me.

[mikewales]

There are other hobbies that tend to attract younger people, amateur dramatics is one, you dont need to act, they also need people to help make scenery, do lighting etc... also fitness classes, or non team sports like martial arts normally have a wide range of ages, and are more likely to have people who arent into getting hammered all the time as they are keeping their fitness up.

It is harder once you are over 30 though as people start settling down, taking their jobs more seriously so arent out so much, having kids, getting mortgages so tightening their belts etc...

You just need to look around your local area and see what sort of things are going on, and then think which ones would appeal to someone your age rather than older retired people.

My parents actually first met when they both did Judo together in the same class, and are still together over 40 years later

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks for the advice Mike.

I have a very defeatist attitude at times, which obviously makes things more difficult. I sometimes feel like I have been worn down by the waves like a pebble on the beach.

[robinbrum]

I think you are at exactly the right age now to branch out socially. I was in a very similar position to you 15 years ago and wish I had taken the plunge back then and done more things. Don't sit on your laurels, loneliness and isolation feed upon themselves. I didn't have the internet 15 years ago and that opens up so many possibilities to you.

[sickandtired]

some of the nicest,kindest people are older.One of my best friends was 65 ,alot of my friends who are in their 40's still want to go out every weekend and get drunk.Dont get me wrong,I like a good night out now and again,but there is more to life.
keep your options open and try befriending 'oldies',you will be surprised!

[theharvestmouse]

I know what I have to do but I'm scared of doing it, I've overcome the fear in the past to do things but now I'm just come to a point where the prospect of doing it again fill sme with dread.

Sick and tired- Yes I agree, I often get on well with older people and have learned a lot from talking to them, they are really nice people to work with and get to know.

Robin-sorry to hear that you have regrets, but if you are like me then I know how hard it is to go out and try new things and meet people. But you are never too old, and could you make it your goal now?

[Adam Thompson]

can totally relate to this.

Im just gone 30, i have a gf and 2 kids, but havent had a friend in over 5 years. Had dozens of friends at school. After school i lost touch with a lot but still had a few close friends, anyway gf and kids happened and i lost touch. For the past few years ive felt so lonely it drives me to tears. See i was always a joker, with loads of attention. Im a normal lad, into music, cars,football etc. Its hard, really hard especially lookin on facebook seein everyone going out on the piss or hols etc. Ive trued martial arts classes etc, but ive just become so shy now i cant even hold a conversation, ive no chance of ever finding a friend....scared im gonna go the rest of my life in this empty void. Cant believe how ive become so depressed and fed up with all. My social anx is crazy now.

---------- Post added at 22:50 ---------- Previous post was at 22:45 ----------

just to add, its ok having older aquantances...the blokes at my work are all ok, but there all about 50 years old, its not the same as having friends your own age...people who grew up on the same things you did etc

---------- Post added at 22:51 ---------- Previous post was at 22:50 ----------

can totally relate to this.

Im just gone 30, i have a gf and 2 kids, but havent had a friend in over 5 years. Had dozens of friends at school. After school i lost touch with a lot but still had a few close friends, anyway gf and kids happened and i lost touch. For the past few years ive felt so lonely it drives me to tears. See i was always a joker, with loads of attention. Im a normal lad, into music, cars,football etc. Its hard, really hard especially lookin on facebook seein everyone going out on the piss or hols etc. Ive trued martial arts classes etc, but ive just become so shy now i cant even hold a conversation, ive no chance of ever finding a friend....scared im gonna go the rest of my life in this empty void. Cant believe how ive become so depressed and fed up with all. My social anx is crazy now.

---------- Post added at 22:51 ---------- Previous post was at 22:51 ----------

can totally relate to this.

Im just gone 30, i have a gf and 2 kids, but havent had a friend in over 5 years. Had dozens of friends at school. After school i lost touch with a lot but still had a few close friends, anyway gf and kids happened and i lost touch. For the past few years ive felt so lonely it drives me to tears. See i was always a joker, with loads of attention. Im a normal lad, into music, cars,football etc. Its hard, really hard especially lookin on facebook seein everyone going out on the piss or hols etc. Ive trued martial arts classes etc, but ive just become so shy now i cant even hold a conversation, ive no chance of ever finding a friend....scared im gonna go the rest of my life in this empty void. Cant believe how ive become so depressed and fed up with all. My social anx is crazy now.

[robinbrum]

To Harvestmouse and Adam. I understand how you both feel because I've been through it nyself for the last 15 years. Friends are really important in life. I have several older, female friends but no male friends of my own age, not really good friends anyway.
http://www.meetup.com/ is a site I have joined. There are social anxiety groups, mental health groups etc. It may be worth you having a look if you haven't already. I am thinking of stepping in to save my local mental health meet up but a lot of people seem very apathetic and I'm not a natural born leader. Sometimes you have to try and make the effort though.
Try and keep your spirits up and remember, you're not alone.

[theharvestmouse]

I want to go to a yoga class but I'm dreading it so much, I keep putting off phoning up or going there. I keep thinking, what if I'm the only man there, I will feel really pressured. Then I think what if I go all red and have a panic attack. And I think I will be the only one on my own, I bet all the other people are regulars and I'll be like a spare part.

I'm so fed up of this anxiety, its ruining my life, It makes me feel so self obssessed and hopeless. My therapist has told me I have to start doing things and I am still struggling. TOnight I feel completely anxious about it all.

I was doing better but tonight I feel like I've gone back 2 steps. So sick of this its driving me mad, know I have to push through the fear and do it but I'm so dreading it. Partly because if it goes wrong I will feel worse than I do now.

I honestly do not know how I am going to cope. Hope I feel better tomorrow because I can't take much more of this. Wish I could speak to my therapist now and tell her how scared I am, I didn't feel like this the other day when i saw her, now I feel like I have things to say to her. I need to read this before I go on Thursday because I need to remember how scared I am right now of the prospect of having to go out and do things again.
:unsure:

---------- Post added at 19:37 ---------- Previous post was at 19:36 ----------

sorry for this ramble, I'm just not feeling good tonight, so on edge.

---------- Post added at 21:41 ---------- Previous post was at 19:37 ----------

Just watched Arsenal vs Leeds, feel a bit calmer now, tomorrow is another day and I will not give in to the anxiety.:)