A relapse!

[Acidomoduso]

Hi all,
I used to frequent this forum a couple of years ago but went through 6 months of CBT and thought i'd kicked my health anxiety into touch. Thought is the operative word here! I seem to be regressing back to my worrying days and losing sleep over small things again.

Well, since i hit 40 i've had a few things happen to me. Firstly, at the start of 2011 i was diagnosed with a degenerative neck disorder. Everyone gets this - it's just it normally appears around 60 or 70 years of age. Around June time i went blind in my left eye. This was discovered to be Central Serous Retinopathy, where the retina tears and the serous fluid seeps behind it and causes a bubble. No treatment needed - just rest. It is a stress related condition but it now means i cannot touch steroids or cortizone creams.

So, through all of that my health anxiety was pretty good (i had a dodgy moment when my eye was getting worse but i controlled it). Zoom through to this last couple of weeks and i'm back to not being able to sleep and unwelcome thoughts entering my head.

I have had what seems to be a cold for 3 or 4 months now and it's not really a full blown cold, just a day or two of feeling rough - then better - then rough. I have had a cough for pretty much that length of time. Kind of like a tickly throat cough coupled with a dry throat. On top of this i seem to have a constant aching pain around my xiphoid process (tender to touch, like a bruise) and in my back (the same feeling i had with the beginnings of pneumonia i suffered from several years ago) and side (again, tender to touch between the ribs). Finally i have the "lump in the throat" condition. I do feel like it's the "about to cry, but hold it back" pain but i also feel like i've been running in the cold and it's going all the way down my gullet/windpipe. This one is getting to me the most. It's only on the right side and it's always in the same place - sort of behind and to the right of my adam's apple.

I'm kind of putting the xiphoid pain down to the fact that it cracked really badly when i stretched a few years ago and has been doing that ever since, but i can't for the life of me shake the bad thoughts about my throat. I've done the usual google-the-symptoms thing and found the plethora of cancers and the like (annoyingly, there was also a story today in the news about a woman who coughed up a cancerous tumor from her throat - why do you find these things when you worry?!), then suddenly had the idea of coming back on here. I know i shouldn't be concerned but it's just the length of time i've had these symptoms that niggles me. Internal soft tissue problems and glands are my achilies heel!

Apologies for the length of this and for only coming back when there's something wrong but i know it was useful to me the last time i felt this way. Not sure what i'm expecting from you guys but it helps to discuss with like minded people!

Thanks for listening.
Acid

---------- Post added at 15:06 ---------- Previous post was at 14:52 ----------

Oh, another thing worthy of note is that my neighbour and friend was diagnosed with melanoma last year. The mole was over 8mm deep and anything over 4mm is considered advanced. The good news is... she had some lymph nodes removed and tested and now she is clear of cancer. brilliant, but the whole thing was very close to me. That may be another possible cause for my setback.

[vicky23]

Well done in conquering the health anxiety the first time! so you know you can overcome these anxiety feelings again!
I smiled when I read your statement about not knowing what you want from us in way of replies. I often feel like that, I know the people here aren't Dr's or therapists and are dealing with the same issues but that's sometimes makes us the most qualified to answer with empathy and understanding.
I hope that just writing down and knowing people who understand will read it helps to bring comfort and peace of mind
best wishes

[Acidomoduso]

Thanks for the big-up Vicky. It can be difficult expecting people to read and empathise with your situation - only you can feel your own symptoms. Even describing them to a doctor can be difficult.

Anyway, talking of doctors, i went to see mine today and she advised me that my issue is almost certainly musculoskeletal. She asked lots of questions (some of which i knew she was trying to rule out and kind of cancer or gastro issues) and then had a prod around. She said that my xiphisternal area (what i know as the xiphoid process) was not as long as she was expecting, suggesting that it may have been bent back. She asked if i'd had any accidents when i was younger (which i hadn't).

She reiterated that she didn't think it was anything serious and certainly not to do with my internal organs but sent me off to have a thoracic spine x-ray anyway (which i am going to tomorrow - well, this morning actually).

Still... after all that, i'm still awake until the wee small hours with the "uncomfortable-ness" of it. My worry has abated somewhat after the visit but i don't think it will go completely until i see an "all clear" from that x-ray!! :D

[Acidomoduso]

Well, my anxiety is really going through some ups and downs... I really struggle to get to sleep at night and wake myself up most nights feeling a little panicky. I did sleep quite well yesterday but i'd had a few drinks (which i don't normally do, and wouldn't rely on it to solve my sleep issues).

It's like i'm subconsiously looking for the smallest detail to kick off my anxiety again. I'm currently worried about my glands and throat (even though i'm probably just run down from lack of sleep and i seem to be picking up a sore throat every 2-3 days).

It's strange how your body plays tricks with you. I know there's nothing seriously wrong and yet my mind is racing, probably right up until i get my x-ray results (of which i am in no doubt they will be clear of anything serious!). The lump in my throat has subsided somewhat but has resurfaced tonight - it is only a mild case of it but it is there. I'm a little put out that i'm going back to my anxious days after all that help i received. I think that's what's upsetting me the most.

Oh, and on top of that... due to the stress and worry my body is going through at the moment, i think my CSR is returning! I spotted another blip in my vision yesterday so i may have to return to the Eye Clinic to get it checked out. They told me after my first occurance of it that it wouldn't return but IF it did i must get in contact with them immediately. Not sure what they can do, but there you go!

My diet has been pretty bad this week so the weight i'm trying to lose isn't shifting. Two days of chips, a McDonalds yesterday, cake, roast dinner. All of this is giving me indegestion so THAT'S keeping me awake too.

Man, i'm a mess at the moment!! :D

Ayway, that's the current situation at the moment. I'll post more when something changes (or doesn't, as the case may be!).

[Acidomoduso]

So, the continuing saga of my HA....

I seem to now have a fixation on my lymph nodes again. It's normally around my neck, chin and collarbone that i have my worries. I posted this in someone elses thread so i thought i'd post it in here as the update (with minor relevance changes)...

I seem to be constantly poking the nodes around my neck and under my chin. They feel swollen, but the reason i started to prod them was because they kind of ache and sometimes twinge a bit when i turn my neck in a certain way. They also make me feel like my mouth needs to salivate (sort of a prickly feeling under the jaw coupled with an ache) and yet my mouth is dry (that's probably the anxiety!). It's hard to describe and i struggle to pinpoint it, but i just don't feel right. You know what i'm saying?

I've also convinced myself that my glands in my neck and above my collarbone are swollen. Kind of like down where the tendon of your neck goes and then halfway along the collar bone. I know that this is psychosomatic and my worry is exacerbating the feeling. I was in Tesco last night and i felt very spaced out and a little dizzy so it's getting to me a bit.

Waiting for these x-ray results and having the cough for ages with no real signs of fever or colds (just little bits here and there) has pushed my stress levels (and my HA levels) to the limit! Stress and HA do not go together so i've got to try and eliminate stress to try and calm my HA.

---------- Post added at 12:48 ---------- Previous post was at 09:33 ----------

Oh, and another thing... My CSR has returned. I have a new patch which was examined by the eye specialist on Monday. It would seem i have something called Multiple CSR (i think that's what he said) where the CSR can re-occur in other parts of the eye. I will be going for a Flurocein Angiogram (i think that's the spelling). That's an injection of dye to see where the leak is. If that shows up then they may give me laser treatment to stop the leak (this can cause complications in itself as the laser can scar the retina, leaving a permanent mark.

Strangely, things like this do not bother me because i know what's going on and it's not life threatening... at worst i could lose the sight in my eye.
It's just the "life threatening" and "painful death" issues that get to me!

[Acidomoduso]

Well, another night of no sleep. Tonight is the worst night so far. I've had lymph issues, liver cancer, pancreatic cancer, lung cancer and have finally settled on Intercostal Neuralgia. Had a long chat with the wife last night and although she understands, she is getting a little bit fed up with my worrying. So am i, to be fair!

I went to bed but as soon as i lay down i got the nervous ache in my stomach - like a cross between a burn, an ache and a rush feeling. So, i start feeling around and can feel a lump at the top of my abdomen (not the xiphoid process in case you're thinking of suggesting that). So that brings on worries about liver cancer and possibly pancreas. Up i get to google (i know, i know). 3.20am i go back to bed but as soon as i get horizontal, the feelings come again. It now feels like my right side is filled with something, so thoughts of lung tumours raise their ugly heads. Up i get again to try and divert my thoughts. TV on and general web surfing begins. Lay on the sofa about 4.30am and i'm still worried and feeling the pain. So, here i am trying to write it out once again.

I know what my wife says is true - the doctors are checking, there's no point worrying until you have something to worry about, just get on with your life (JFDI :D), it's affecting everyone around you - it's just getting those thoughts out of my head again. It's tough. Even though i'm ignoring what the doctor said (that it is musculoskeletal and nothing to do with the soft tissues in the body). You'd have thought that at almost 41 years of age i would stop worrying like a child! I'm not losing weight dramatically, as i'm sure i would have already done this if the pain in my side was a huge tumour or cancer so i shouldn't be fretting about it.

So, i'm currently trying to convince my mind that it's Intercostal Neuragia as my symptoms are very similar. I think the reason why i'm so worried is that it doesn't seem to be going away. I've had the pain in the xiphoid area for a few years and it's getting worse - spread to my sides and back (only on the right side though).

Anyone know what Intecostal Neuralgia feels like? Anyone know what sleep feels like??!

---------- Post added at 05:48 ---------- Previous post was at 05:21 ----------

Oh, and another thing.... 223 views and nobody has commented (aside from vicky23)? Am i an HA outcast even to those fellow HA sufferers!! :scared15:

:D

[Dreamalittledream]

Hi

I am new here but I had a thought, that perhaps another round of CBT wouldnt hurt you - with a particular focus on working it through with actual existing/ongoing illness?

I know it is that fine line that keeps me on the edge - that I have several ongoing illnesses' as does my husband. But getting to that point that I don't worry - that is much harder.

[Acidomoduso]

I did think about CBT again but i just want to see how i am after this one has blown over. I did notice something about "Talking Changes" but on further investigation it seems to be just Portsmouth and County Durham coverage. I don't know. Let's just see,eh? I could do with a good night's sleep though!

[vicky23]

Not sure if you're taking anything already but there's a tea blend available at asda and holland and barrets the range is called Dr Stewart's and there's a one for night time that contains valerian which is a herb that has powerful sleep inducing properties.

[Acidomoduso]

Interesting. Thanks vicky... i'll give that a go.

[Acidomoduso]

Had a good night last night...slept all night and didn't have any symptoms at all!! Strange. These symptoms have been with me for months and months. Yet, last night the pain that had been in my right side for over two years slipped over to the left side and then disappeared! The pain in my back went and my side pain was very distant.

Unfortunately, i have coldy symptoms today but my pain is hardly there at all. Maybe it IS anxiety after all!! :roflmao:

Tried to get my x-ray results yesterday but they are not back yet. Suppose that's a good sign that it's been a week and they are not back. If there was any indication of any problems they'd have it shipped through a lot quicker i guess.

Well, i feel a little rough tonight so i think i'll try for an early night.

[happycamper]

Hi Acid,
Just wondering if the 40 year old mark has made HA worse for you...?
Certainly I feel it has for myself because I never had any of this 10 years ago and it concerns me that if it's age related will it continue getting worse?
What are your thoughts, or am I worrying for the sake of worrying....?

[Acidomoduso]

Hey Happy...

Not sure whether hitting 40 has made the HA worse. I had it bad a few years ago and, to be fair, have always been a bit of a worrier. It just seems that since i've hit 40 i've had more physically wrong with me. As i've said recently, i have the degenerative neck disorder and am now on my second bout of CSR since last June. Maybe i'm more worried about my eye than i'm letting myself know about and am channeling that worry into random things. Not sure... i feel my symptoms are strange and i can't relate them to my HA but i'm also sure that they ARE HA as my symptoms keep moving about. I suspect that you have a combination of things going a bit topsy-turvy and your HA kicking in - i don't think it's a "I'm 40 - lets freak out" thing!

Take tonight, for example. Tonight i have what seems like a massive lump in my throat, my tendons or lymph nodes down my neck hurt right down to the collar bone,the glands under my chin feel swollen to me (my wife had a feel last week and said they felt normal), i have indegestion (probably the hot chilli i had for tea, though). When i lay down to go to sleep i get hot and prickly, my heart pounds and it feels like the lump in my throat is bearing down on my windpipe. If i get up again, i feel a little better. I have felt a smidge better over the last few days, hence the lack of posts but today was a stressful day so that's probably not helped.


So, yet again i'm sat here thinking... "cancer? lymph cancers? tumours? thyroid? bubonic plague? being slowly eaten from the inside out by care bears?". Well, maybe not the last two but they are just as feasible in my head as the first four! :blush:


Even after all these years, i still can't get to grips with the fact that HA gives you real and physical symptoms. I tried explaining to the wife tonight that i don't start panicking until i feel a symptom (and not the other way round as my wife thinks it is - "you panic and it creates the symptom"). Although she tries, bless her, she just doesn't get it. I don't blame her - any "normal person" (read this as "a person without HA" and not an insult!) doesn't worry about things that a HA sufferer does so wouldn't understand it, would they? I mean, even doctors get a little exasperated when we walk through the door... AGAIN!

Talking of doctors, it's been 11 days since my x-ray was taken and the doctors haven't contacted me in a blind panic saying "FOR GOD'S SAKE... GET YOURSELF IN HERE NOW.... WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO SAVE YOU!". Thankfully. :D In honesty, i'm sure that they would have contacted me if they spotted anything untoward in the x-ray (although they scanned my thoracic spine so i don't know whether they'll capture my throat region). Maybe i'll get the doc to have a good rummage around my gullet when i go back for the results on Monday.

Right, that's all for now. I'm off to try and divert my thoughts untill i can't stay awake anymore! :)

[Acidomoduso]

So... yet again I am up with the dreaded lump in the throat thing. Its getting beyond a joke now. I had a couple of days of feeling good and its back again. I phoned the doctors yesterday to see if they had my x-ray results and they still don't. I asked if that was a good or bad thing and I was advised that's if there were any issues then I would have heard quite quickly. So, that's good and its eased my worry a little but I still feel rubbish. Oh well... doctors on Monday. Ill get her to check it out!

[swgrl09]

You know, I've had a lot of the symptoms you are describing. Just this fall I felt like I had a constant cold, but I never actually felt sick ... just occasional congestion and very often a sore throat. It turned out I had indoor allergies to dust and my cat. It took me 4 months to figure that out once I got the courage to go to the doc.

I also get the pain around the xyphoid process, I never knew anybody else who did! I attributed it to muscle pain, I get a lot of tension in my back and shoulders and sometimes it spreads to the front of my chest .. sometimes even to the top of my stomach, and I get similar feelings to those burning ones you are describing.

And to finish it, I am currently nervous about a lymph node too. I'm seeing a doc tomorrow. Mine is about grape size, maybe a little smaller but in the groin area.

Anyway, I'm not a doctor, but I really don't think you ought to be too worried. It's crazy the symptoms that this HA can bring on and really and truly make you feel sick. I hope you feel better.

[Acidomoduso]

You know, I've had a lot of the symptoms you are describing. Just this fall I felt like I had a constant cold, but I never actually felt sick ... just occasional congestion and very often a sore throat. It turned out I had indoor allergies to dust and my cat. It took me 4 months to figure that out once I got the courage to go to the doc.

I also get the pain around the xyphoid process, I never knew anybody else who did! I attributed it to muscle pain, I get a lot of tension in my back and shoulders and sometimes it spreads to the front of my chest .. sometimes even to the top of my stomach, and I get similar feelings to those burning ones you are describing.

And to finish it, I am currently nervous about a lymph node too. I'm seeing a doc tomorrow. Mine is about grape size, maybe a little smaller but in the groin area.

Anyway, I'm not a doctor, but I really don't think you ought to be too worried. It's crazy the symptoms that this HA can bring on and really and truly make you feel sick. I hope you feel better.

Blimey... are we twins?! :D I don't know of anyone with the xiphoid symptoms either. You sound like you had exactly what i'm going through.
That helps me a little.

You may be onto something with the allergies. I am mildly intollerant to fruits but it may be that i've suddenly got an intollerance to something else. My wife mentioned allergies the other day so you may be right.
Yes... i know i've got nothing to worry about. That's the ball breaker, right there... i know, and yet i still do worry! I need to live my life because it makes me grumpy and a little bit snappy so it's no fun for anyone around me.

I'm feeling quite rough again today. A cold without the cold symptoms! Chesty, achy, dry throat, pain in ribs, eyes feel puffy, sinus area feels full but no runny nose - y'know... the usual! :D

And as for your lymph node... my groin ones feel like that so i say "right back atcha".... worry not. You will be fine. Good luck today. Tell me how it goes.

[Acidomoduso]

Well, i had the results of my x-ray last night.... nothing found. At all. No bone problems, no internal organ problems... nothing. The doctor thinks that the xiphoid process has been damaged and it has affected the nerves there so there's nothing more she can do. She has put me on antibiotics for my sinus issues. Once i've finished those then i move onto and indegestion tablet (omeprazole ?) and she has also put me on a second lot of blood pressure tablets as my reading is still high. I have to have a blood test to make sure my kidneys are up to taking the tablet as it is a diuretic. I have to go back in 5-6 weeks to check how the indegestion and BP tablets are doing.

So, it's another pain i have to live with - just the perils of getting older i suppose!

My anxiety has calmed down somewhat since the docs (and a chat with the wife). I also bought a book for the kindle... Overcoming Health Anxiety by Rob Willson and David Yeale. It's definitely helping me so i would recommend it. My anxiety comes in waves and i get really bad moments that last weeks. It looks like this was one of those moments!

Anyway... we shall see what the future holds in store for me. Keep watching the skies! :)

[kinnygirl1]

Hi Acid, glad you are doing a bit better now and that you at least have some answers and a plan of action from the docs. I think it's the constant wondering what's wrong that messes with my head! Defo gonna try that book... thanks for recommending. Good luck.

[swgrl09]

Hey, I am glad everything is working out for you! Sorry for the late response, but glad the x-ray went well, a nice weight off your shoulders. My lymph node was a benign one acting up due to muscle sprains in the area, still there, but the struggle for me is to stop touching it! hah, easier said than done.

That also sounds like a great book, maybe I'll look into it.

[Acidomoduso]

Thank you for your support guys. Unfortunately, today is another bad day - convinced my glands by my collarbone are swollen and getting a rushing sensation around my neck and shoulders if I touch them. Also
the antibiotics don't seem to have made my sinuses any better and I keep getting sore throats and colds. You'd think that after the X-ray and bloods I'd be satisfied but I'm convinced some sort of lymphoma has been missed. I hear that standard blood tests can't detect it but I also know that I would have some sort of dodgy reading on the bloods if there was something going on in my body. It does seem that the constant niggling is what gets you, isn't it? Oh well, I'm going away for a long weekend today. Lets see if I can forget about it for a while and see what occurs from that!