Halcyon
11-01-12, 15:28
I have a habit of having irrational thoughts that I recognise as irrational, yet recognising that they are unreasonable does not stop me from treating them any differently to 'normal' thoughts, particularly with jealousy.
I've got a bad anxiety about medical problems which never goes away and as much as I try to rationalise these thoughts, something stops me from accepting that my fears are unfounded. This way of thinking appears in a few other parts of my life too, so I constantly worry that my family and friends are going to become very ill or simply drop dead based on the slightest thing or nothing whatsoever. These things are totally internal to my thoughts but I also find that I'm prone to irrational jealousy and that sometimes makes me act out. This cost me a fair few friends in my teenage years and while I think I've grown out of some of the more paranoid tendencies I had, the whole jealous attitude remains even though I know my thoughts are irrational and I do not have the right to feel jealous over trivial situations.
A while back, I dated a girl who I quickly became very attached to. We kept seeing each other and when we couldn't, we'd be in constant contact by text or online chat even though we hadn't know each other very long. Early on, I went on holiday for a few days and I couldn't stop thinking about her the whole time. A few weeks later, she went away and ended up meeting a man. When she got back, I found out about it through pictures she'd put on the internet of them kissing (I now have a strong aversion to kissing pictures which has stopped me from being able to chat online to a friend of mine - there goes another friendship for no good reason). I reacted very, very badly and ended up saying some very heartful things to her and while her behaviour was unjustified, we hadn't been going out for very long and I didn't have the right to say what I said. Since then, I've had a real setback.
A few months ago, I met a very beautiful young woman on my course. It turned out we had a mutual friend and so we started talking and I realised that she was exactly the sort of person I really connect with. As often happens, I became infatuated with her. Seeing her sometimes sends me heart racing and makes me go dizzy, almost like the feelings I got when I was about to have a panic attack. I asked her out in a clumsy fashion before Christmas and she politely declined but we've determined not to let that affect our friendship. Unfortunately, I've not been able to shake this infatuation with her and seeing her just seems to make things worse.
Having not seen her for about a month, she sent me a message saying she would see me in our lecture. Part of me was apprehensive but I was mainly looking forward to seeing her again, although I felt lightheaded when I got her message. She came in but didn't sit by me as she said she would. Instead, she sat by this guy I've never seen before. She and I are nothing more than friends but I felt very depressed to see this, and I started to imagine how he would start talking to her and end up asking her out with his superior confidence (he might not even have superior confidence - I don't know him) and they would end up having a relationship. It led to all kinds of thoughts about myself as well.
She is a very attractive woman and it is doubtless that lots of people think so, so I'm likely to have to deal with more of this stuff in the future and I'm just worried that I will not be able to cope and will end up acting out as I have done in situations where I have felt jealous before. How can I learn to take this knowledge that my jealousy is irrational to another level and manage to stop feeling it altogether? There is nothing wrong with feeling things, of course, but jealousy is simply destructive.
I've got a bad anxiety about medical problems which never goes away and as much as I try to rationalise these thoughts, something stops me from accepting that my fears are unfounded. This way of thinking appears in a few other parts of my life too, so I constantly worry that my family and friends are going to become very ill or simply drop dead based on the slightest thing or nothing whatsoever. These things are totally internal to my thoughts but I also find that I'm prone to irrational jealousy and that sometimes makes me act out. This cost me a fair few friends in my teenage years and while I think I've grown out of some of the more paranoid tendencies I had, the whole jealous attitude remains even though I know my thoughts are irrational and I do not have the right to feel jealous over trivial situations.
A while back, I dated a girl who I quickly became very attached to. We kept seeing each other and when we couldn't, we'd be in constant contact by text or online chat even though we hadn't know each other very long. Early on, I went on holiday for a few days and I couldn't stop thinking about her the whole time. A few weeks later, she went away and ended up meeting a man. When she got back, I found out about it through pictures she'd put on the internet of them kissing (I now have a strong aversion to kissing pictures which has stopped me from being able to chat online to a friend of mine - there goes another friendship for no good reason). I reacted very, very badly and ended up saying some very heartful things to her and while her behaviour was unjustified, we hadn't been going out for very long and I didn't have the right to say what I said. Since then, I've had a real setback.
A few months ago, I met a very beautiful young woman on my course. It turned out we had a mutual friend and so we started talking and I realised that she was exactly the sort of person I really connect with. As often happens, I became infatuated with her. Seeing her sometimes sends me heart racing and makes me go dizzy, almost like the feelings I got when I was about to have a panic attack. I asked her out in a clumsy fashion before Christmas and she politely declined but we've determined not to let that affect our friendship. Unfortunately, I've not been able to shake this infatuation with her and seeing her just seems to make things worse.
Having not seen her for about a month, she sent me a message saying she would see me in our lecture. Part of me was apprehensive but I was mainly looking forward to seeing her again, although I felt lightheaded when I got her message. She came in but didn't sit by me as she said she would. Instead, she sat by this guy I've never seen before. She and I are nothing more than friends but I felt very depressed to see this, and I started to imagine how he would start talking to her and end up asking her out with his superior confidence (he might not even have superior confidence - I don't know him) and they would end up having a relationship. It led to all kinds of thoughts about myself as well.
She is a very attractive woman and it is doubtless that lots of people think so, so I'm likely to have to deal with more of this stuff in the future and I'm just worried that I will not be able to cope and will end up acting out as I have done in situations where I have felt jealous before. How can I learn to take this knowledge that my jealousy is irrational to another level and manage to stop feeling it altogether? There is nothing wrong with feeling things, of course, but jealousy is simply destructive.