Meggy
12-06-06, 01:42
I typed this once but erased it so an overview: 3 years ago I was raped/sodomized/severely beaten by 7 men. They also made me watch them nearly kill my dog. In fact I thought they had until 3 days later when I was in the hospital. Since then I have had extreme problems with anger, rage, and hatred at times of some people in my life. I've felt like they failed me. They could have helped me which in some cases is true, but chose to ignore cardinal signs something was very wrong in my home. I have grouped my husband as one of these people. Instead of talking, I've been punishing. I thought I was talking but I was lecturing, not listening. I got help, but he hasn't. I saw no reason why he should either, it didn't happen to him.
But now I'm getting better help which has forced me to sit down with him over a series of conversations and hear how all of this impacted him because there are many facets to this debacle. I can barely believe the things I'm hearing him say because how could I have not intuitively known these things? It's so obvious. His reasons for not helping are undeniably believable. I just so badly minute by minute waited for him to rescue me for hours maybe I wonder I counted on that fantasy so much it became my only hope, a potential "reality" that couldn't have existed. He had no idea. Now I'm also finding out how traumatic it was for him to come home at the end of the day and find me gone, blood everywhere, our dog half dead and our house trashed. The hospital staff told him almost nothing so when he picked me up and saw how banged up I was he had to sit down, he nearly collapsed. I saw NONE of this until we just talked, and talked. It is such a relief to know all he told me, much more than I could put in here. I asked him why he never told me all this before tho. I was always so angry. I'd outshout anyone at the beginning. Get extremely agitated plus he had so much guilt and still confusion about some things but I've become such a firecracker about the last thing anyone in my family wants to happen is have the topic brought up. For 3 days I've been asking myself how in the world I couldn't see this. I would have before, I know it.
I feel such a load off of me. I'm still angry at some but after seeing all this from his point of view, seeing he was wounded too, he's been grappling with this, each of us in our own corners, I've realized those who really did fail me are creeps. They were before, still are, always will be but it was easier to put up with it because they weren't dangerous creeps - just creeps. And then they became dangerous to me, they could have helped me and didn't. I can actually understand that a lot and blow them off, today anyway.
But now that we've been going thru all of this? I've become immobilized. I'm not cooking, I'm dragging myself to do the wash, I feel innert and I should be feeling I think great, wonderful but I feel oddly let down in a way. I wonder if anyone knows why or has felt like this. I get relieving information and feel worse! If that's true I don't want to hear anymore "good" information. I'll wallow in the misery I was in, this is horrid. Any auggestions/information?
Meggy
But now I'm getting better help which has forced me to sit down with him over a series of conversations and hear how all of this impacted him because there are many facets to this debacle. I can barely believe the things I'm hearing him say because how could I have not intuitively known these things? It's so obvious. His reasons for not helping are undeniably believable. I just so badly minute by minute waited for him to rescue me for hours maybe I wonder I counted on that fantasy so much it became my only hope, a potential "reality" that couldn't have existed. He had no idea. Now I'm also finding out how traumatic it was for him to come home at the end of the day and find me gone, blood everywhere, our dog half dead and our house trashed. The hospital staff told him almost nothing so when he picked me up and saw how banged up I was he had to sit down, he nearly collapsed. I saw NONE of this until we just talked, and talked. It is such a relief to know all he told me, much more than I could put in here. I asked him why he never told me all this before tho. I was always so angry. I'd outshout anyone at the beginning. Get extremely agitated plus he had so much guilt and still confusion about some things but I've become such a firecracker about the last thing anyone in my family wants to happen is have the topic brought up. For 3 days I've been asking myself how in the world I couldn't see this. I would have before, I know it.
I feel such a load off of me. I'm still angry at some but after seeing all this from his point of view, seeing he was wounded too, he's been grappling with this, each of us in our own corners, I've realized those who really did fail me are creeps. They were before, still are, always will be but it was easier to put up with it because they weren't dangerous creeps - just creeps. And then they became dangerous to me, they could have helped me and didn't. I can actually understand that a lot and blow them off, today anyway.
But now that we've been going thru all of this? I've become immobilized. I'm not cooking, I'm dragging myself to do the wash, I feel innert and I should be feeling I think great, wonderful but I feel oddly let down in a way. I wonder if anyone knows why or has felt like this. I get relieving information and feel worse! If that's true I don't want to hear anymore "good" information. I'll wallow in the misery I was in, this is horrid. Any auggestions/information?
Meggy