jaspergrumfuttock
16-01-12, 02:08
Well I'm new here, recently wrote small intro. Strange isn't it that even after 30 years of panic attacks and anxiety you can still feel embarrassed about telling other people in case they think you have mental problems. Advice over the years has ranged form "Pull youself together" to "well you'll just have to learn to cope" to great advice from a doctor who took the time to explain that I wasn't going mad, it was extremely unlikely I was going to die withing the next 5 minutes and that panic and anxiety were very common, it was like a safety valve for the body and I was not the only person in the world to have these attacks.
I think I have always been a bit nervous but of course being a male covered it with false bravado. However being alone didn't use to bother me in my teens, I enjoyed my own company, but this was probably because my parents were at home and all was safe and well.
After my 1st marriage split this changed literally overnight, I didn't like being alone, especially in a house and more especially at night with no or little light. I would sit up, read, watch TV and try to snatch some sleep on the setee until dawn came, but managed to cope - just. No real panic attacks at this stage but definite anxiety which was very hard to control. I didn't go to the doctor as i thought he might think i was "losing it" and I didn't want anyone at work to know that I might be a practicing "loony"
I met someone else and we got married, settled down, moved to a new town and all was well for several years until one day when I was walking the dog in the park - my first and most terrible panic attack. I was convinced I was going to die and the journey home was a blur. I tried to explain but it is really hard unless you have experienced this feeling.
I panicked in the house, I panicked in the street, I could not go into shops and all the time I was convinced that something terrible was going to happen to me. I felt dizzy, light headed, not totally on this planet and one night, in the early stages became convinced I was a pawn in a struggle of good and evil. I said (outloud several times) that I choose good because I know that is what I am really. The only place I felt safe was in the doctors waiting room or at the hospital when I went to have tests for the dizzy spells.
Work was really suffering but eventually I was given some tablets which were amazing - they turned panic / accute anxiety / depression into a feeling of total happiness and I felt great. I cannot remember what they were but was told they were addictive and I had to come off them. OMG this was terrible. The panic attacks returned worse that before, the anxiety returned together with the dizzy spells, feelings of being spaced out and slow to understand what was happening around me.
It was a long long time before things started to settle down but I was starting to get life back together, working in a job that I enjoyed, living in the country, not much money but happy (so I thought) when I returned from work and found a note from my wife one evening saying she had gone abroad with another man who I thought was a friend. Back to square one. Twenty years later and I'm back where I started. Except now I've lost 2 houses and 2 people I though loved me. My self-esteem was minus 100 and the panic attacks were unbelievable. There must be something seriously wrong with me and yes, suicide did cross my mind several times. I even tried to find out a painless way of doing it.
However life has a way of picking you up and I met a lady who also suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and we found great peace with each other.
we eventually got together and I worked for a college for a few years but decided to retire early and move to Brittany. We have no money but made some lovely friends. My new partner paints and the dogs love the garden. The panic attacks? Yes they are still there, bad as ever at times especially if I am in the house alone or in the night and yes my partner still gets them as well. We support each other as best as we can and manage to get through things.
So in a nutshell my advice is to find a soulmate/friend/partner who understands, know that you're not going mad, know it's extremely unlikely you will die in the next 5 minutes and that you will understand these attacks better and learn to live through even if they never go away completely. Some do, some don't but I find that talking to someone of trying to do something else can actually make them go more quickly, if you lose concentration on what is happening to you in the attack and something else takes your attention you might be surprised to find the attack has gone away. Doesn't always work, nothing does, but you find that by talking to other people you find little "tricks" to help you to cope.
Well, that's it. I have never spilt the beans like this in public before but if it helps someone a little then I glad I did. Hope to see some of you in chat in a few days.
Take care, all the best :)
I think I have always been a bit nervous but of course being a male covered it with false bravado. However being alone didn't use to bother me in my teens, I enjoyed my own company, but this was probably because my parents were at home and all was safe and well.
After my 1st marriage split this changed literally overnight, I didn't like being alone, especially in a house and more especially at night with no or little light. I would sit up, read, watch TV and try to snatch some sleep on the setee until dawn came, but managed to cope - just. No real panic attacks at this stage but definite anxiety which was very hard to control. I didn't go to the doctor as i thought he might think i was "losing it" and I didn't want anyone at work to know that I might be a practicing "loony"
I met someone else and we got married, settled down, moved to a new town and all was well for several years until one day when I was walking the dog in the park - my first and most terrible panic attack. I was convinced I was going to die and the journey home was a blur. I tried to explain but it is really hard unless you have experienced this feeling.
I panicked in the house, I panicked in the street, I could not go into shops and all the time I was convinced that something terrible was going to happen to me. I felt dizzy, light headed, not totally on this planet and one night, in the early stages became convinced I was a pawn in a struggle of good and evil. I said (outloud several times) that I choose good because I know that is what I am really. The only place I felt safe was in the doctors waiting room or at the hospital when I went to have tests for the dizzy spells.
Work was really suffering but eventually I was given some tablets which were amazing - they turned panic / accute anxiety / depression into a feeling of total happiness and I felt great. I cannot remember what they were but was told they were addictive and I had to come off them. OMG this was terrible. The panic attacks returned worse that before, the anxiety returned together with the dizzy spells, feelings of being spaced out and slow to understand what was happening around me.
It was a long long time before things started to settle down but I was starting to get life back together, working in a job that I enjoyed, living in the country, not much money but happy (so I thought) when I returned from work and found a note from my wife one evening saying she had gone abroad with another man who I thought was a friend. Back to square one. Twenty years later and I'm back where I started. Except now I've lost 2 houses and 2 people I though loved me. My self-esteem was minus 100 and the panic attacks were unbelievable. There must be something seriously wrong with me and yes, suicide did cross my mind several times. I even tried to find out a painless way of doing it.
However life has a way of picking you up and I met a lady who also suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and we found great peace with each other.
we eventually got together and I worked for a college for a few years but decided to retire early and move to Brittany. We have no money but made some lovely friends. My new partner paints and the dogs love the garden. The panic attacks? Yes they are still there, bad as ever at times especially if I am in the house alone or in the night and yes my partner still gets them as well. We support each other as best as we can and manage to get through things.
So in a nutshell my advice is to find a soulmate/friend/partner who understands, know that you're not going mad, know it's extremely unlikely you will die in the next 5 minutes and that you will understand these attacks better and learn to live through even if they never go away completely. Some do, some don't but I find that talking to someone of trying to do something else can actually make them go more quickly, if you lose concentration on what is happening to you in the attack and something else takes your attention you might be surprised to find the attack has gone away. Doesn't always work, nothing does, but you find that by talking to other people you find little "tricks" to help you to cope.
Well, that's it. I have never spilt the beans like this in public before but if it helps someone a little then I glad I did. Hope to see some of you in chat in a few days.
Take care, all the best :)