What were you like before you became ill?

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Generally, I was lacking in confidence, very quiet, not really involved in very many things, socially awkward, moody, passive, bright. I'd had a couple of spells of quite bad depression, but they disappeared within a couple of months. I'd had panic attacks, but I had no idea what they were and I thought that I must be strange or a bit mental and I should keep it to myself.

I'm a lot more proactive and outgoing now even though I'm in the middle of a very severe depression and I have daily feelings of panic.

One of the worst things for me is feeling that this is just the way that I am and that I will always suffer from depression and panic attacks.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[janie]

Hiya - interesting thread. I was very easy going and laid back - not much bothered me (or so I thought). I was happy and content.

I have had a difficult time, even from childhood (my father was alcoholic) - we moved all over the world. Interesting but unsettling for a child. I've looked after myself since I was 16/17.

The daft thing is I'm happier now than I have ever been so it's a bit of a mystery why this has happened now. My therapist thinks that I have just shut things out for so long, over many years, it's just reared it's ugly head. I don't like to dwell or blame the past but I suppose I can see where she's coming from.

Hope you are feeling ok Janie xx

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Hi Janie,

I think travel is a big issue for me. I've never been out of Europe. I did go to Tenerife once, not realising where it was. Once I found out I felt sick. daft, eh?

I'd love to go to America but the thought of crossing the ocean and being on the other side of the world raises panic in me. I can't really get my head round the world.

I think being so passive has also been a problem for me, I've had trouble asserting myself.

And growing up I used to split time between my mum's, my dad's and two different gran's, so I was a touch nomadic myself, nowhere to really call home.

I've been reading a book and it says that the typical panicker is a "conscientious worrier". I've certainly always been a worrier- when I was a kid I was in floods of tears because I thought I had AIDS because our baby sitter was camp!! I am conscientious too, but that's tinged with an element of me that thinks 'it's not cool to try too hard' and 'it's endearing to be late' and also 'if you seem like you don't care people will think that you're really laid back instead of tense as hell'. That part of me normally sabotages my best intentions.

I've got to say that in some ways, even though I'm in the pit of despair, I'm a lot happier than I have been for years.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Gregor]

Hi,

I was probably a mix between both of you. I've always been quiet and not very outgoing - that's just me - but i was also always very content, laidback and nothing ever bothered me. I was completely the opposite of how i am now - except i'm still very quiet!

Gregor

[Coni]

Hi,

I've always been fairly quiet....not quite antisocial but fairly awkward in social gatherings. Never liked being in a big group much, as I too have never been very assertive.... I'm always being told at work that I need to assert myself more and to stop being a shrinking violet! I've always been plagued by insecurities and self doubt, only difference is that until this last year I could control it and pretend to be 'normal'.

I've always been really conscientious and have always been meticulous about living by the rules (dead boring I know, but it really worries me if I so much as accidentally run through a red light on a deserted road). One of my major faults has always been the need to be early for everything....I get really stressed if I'm late for anything and I drive my friends and my husband mad.

God...I dont think i ever realised I was as uptight as I am lol!

Coni X

[Daisybun]

I always was a worrier, even as a child. What people thought about me? Lacking confidence, but you'd never have guessed it! Hating confrontation, full of fears but able to get on with life and enjoy myself a lot of the time. I think just all caught up with me, all that stress and anxiety hormone down the years just did my body and mind a lot of harm, but at least i know now what I'm dealing with.

Take care
Daisybun

'This too will pass'

[Rennie1989]

I was quiet and not confident before I started getting attacks. But since I started meeting new people and started to make new friends my confidence has boosted and I'm not as quiet as before, still have anxiety though.

Scooties Back

[Paddington]

ooh i was the same as daisybun!And also as a small child painfully shy.Became a worrier and had no self esteem or confidence.I too hate any kind of confrontation,When i hit my 30's i was fit and slim and had more confidence, then wallup,panic disorder hit.I think it was my past catching up with me..troubled chilhood etc.It seems we are all very similar!love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[pinkpenny1uk]

i was a worry before i started with anxiety and pancis attacks. i've always been shy and lacked confidence in myself.
i'm actually worse now then i used to be. i always worry about what others think of me....if i'll do something stupid. i hate going out cos i worry about having an attack or being taken ill.
everyday is a struggle cos i fret that the slightest thing is a terminal illness.

it took me ages to pluck up the courage to join this site and start posting on topics. but its a start in the right direction...so i'm proud of myself for that.

[giddy]

I was very quiet, shy, lacked confidence in social situations, low self esteem about people likeing me, a worrier and a perfectionist, especially at work. I'm still like that now!
Love Helen

[Wenjoy]

I was and still am to some extent an extrovert - loud, bubbly and always tells it like it is. Since my PAs came back I have quiet spells when I just want to sit and cry at the injustice of having PAs again - what did I do to deserve this???
Wenjoy x

[clickaway]

Gosh! So many of us are so similar!

Let me add myself to the ranks of those with low self-esteem, shyness, no confidence and an unhappy childhood.

But the biggest let-down was my self-perception. In adolesence, I surely thought that it was easy for everyone bar myself to go through that stage. And when I didn't have a girl like all the others, I started to wonder about myself a lot. But that was because didn't have the confidence to speak to anyone socially.

My confidence came in the end - I learnt to swim at 38 lol. In fact, quite a bit came right at that age, but my panic attacks started about the same time!

In the months preceeeding my GAD, I began to feel tired every morning, but neither me nor my manager at work realised what was happening.

Ah well,


Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[eeyorelover]

I was and am loud, bossy, perfectionistic, bit@@y (sometimes .... well ok alot of the time -lol)
but I have also always been the first person to stick up for another, a good listener, and wear my heart on my sleeve.
The only difference between then and now is - then I drank and socially was a huge pot smoker but now I feel dizzy, tired, hungry, and paranoid on my own so I don't need them - lol

Sandy
(eeyorelover)

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

- Elenor Roosevelt

[kate H]

This is very ineterseting, reading everones personalities. I am very much like Eeyore,infact almost indentical, except for the pot lol!

Im still very out going but have my quiet days where i just want to be with myself and not talk to anyone. I still sometimes wonder if I use my outgoing personality to hide how I feel about myself and my anxiety.

I love life, wear my heart on my sleave and love to love people, i'm not a bad person but sometimes think that i am being punished by having to deal with anxiety x

.......Is your past barging in on your future? Make a better 2morrow 2day.......

[darkangel]

i was a quite, timid child, lived in fear of my mother (still do and im 40)
done well at school - but never good enough in her eyes!!
had good job but stressful - loved the adrenaline rushes!!
could only truely relax with alcohol
loveless and abusive marriage



........life is for living not just for surviving

[ShirleyM]

Hi

I was the same a born worrier as a child used to worry when it was too windy, worry about Thunder & lightning stupid things when I think now I too was brought by my grandparents and then i got married young which did not work.

Had my first panic attack at 16 but did not know what it was then.

Now I have a good job, nice house, lovely kids and lovely partner and am quite a outgoing person whn I feel good but still can't shake this anxiety thing (have for a few years) and then it comes back but the moe I'm learning about it at least I have some of he answers.

Shirley

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Some really interesting replies. I heard someone say that confidence is feeling comfortable in your own skin, so I guess you could still be loud and brash without being confident. It could be to cover up for insecurities.

I always used to think that I'd get to a certain point and feel grown up, but I'm 30 now and I still feel like a kid. I still want someone to look after me. Paradoxically, I often feel patronised and like I'm not treated with respect and that will no doubt be to do with the fact that I act like a kid.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Coni]

Hi,

I totally agree with you. I wish someone would tell me the secret of feeling comfortable in your own skin!
like you I still dont feel grown up and I'm 38. Not so much in the sense that I act like a child but I feel very easily intimidated by people and always feel inferior....maybe I do give off child like vibes and I dont realise it.

I have always felt like this even with my own family. I was always a bit overawed by my mum who was everything I'm not, and even my siblings who were all much older than me.

I'd just like to get to the point where I can accept myself....and maybe one day I might even like who I am lol!

take care

Coni X

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I know what you mean Coni. Other people could look at the mountains and the sea and think 'wow, how beautiful', but I feel really intimidated by it. I can be very easily overawed and overwhelmed.

I look at other people and think 'why don't you feel the same as me or why don't I feel the same as you?'. People go to America and I think 'to do that you have to get in a plane and fly over 3000 miles of water, which is really deep and full of sharks and whales and when you get there you are on this vast continent'.

I'm trying to get myself to look just at the surface of things and to take things at face value. People who fly alot probably don't even think about crashing, they probably take everything just as they see it not thinking any further than what's right infront of them.



Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[Tanya]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Generally, I was lacking in confidence, very quiet, not really involved in very many things, socially awkward, moody, passive, bright. I'd had a couple of spells of quite bad depression, but they disappeared within a couple of months. I'd had panic attacks, but I had no idea what they were and I thought that I must be strange or a bit mental and I should keep it to myself.

I'm a lot more proactive and outgoing now even though I'm in the middle of a very severe depression and I have daily feelings of panic.

One of the worst things for me is feeling that this is just the way that I am and that I will always suffer from depression and panic attacks.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

<div align="right">Originally posted by wishidfoundthissooner - 14 June 2006 : 11:16:27</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

This pretty well describes me to an extent. For example when I was in grade 7 or 8 there was this girl that rode the bus with me and I never talked to her. She was a few grades behind me. For some reason that I can't quite remember now, we started talking one day on the bus, I guess we ended up sitting in the one seat or something, and we became friends.

She started calling me and we hung out for a while. You know what she told me? She said 'Tanya I can't believe how friendly and nice you are. I hate to say this but I always thought you were so stuck up.'

I laughted at her and said, "Nope just shy."

So I know I was always standoffish, uncomfortable around people, even though I had plenty of friends through school I was always wondering if they really liked me or not. I was always afraid I'd do something wrong and on the other side of the coin I was always afraid I was letting someone take advantage of me because I was quiet.

I tried realllllly hard to get invovled in things. YGA, swimming lessons, skating lessons, piano lessons, I went to camp for a week and thought I was going to go crazy, church choir. In 7th grade I went on a school trip with my friends. I tried really hard, but it never made any of the insecurities and anxieties go away.

I had a hell of a time going through adolesense and hated everything and everyone. But yes quiet, no self confidence, socially awkward, moody, passive, bright.

I've been told by many people I'm an introvert. I internalize everything. I don't like to cause scenes and stay far away from anything that might do so. Even though if I have to I will fight for my thoughts. But only if its absolutely necessary.

So now I'm an adult, I'm still all of those things but with a different perspective on them.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Tanya,

I'm very much like you. People have said that I'm arrogant, aloof, morbid. Basically, I've always been very shy and quiet and didn't say very much.

I used to think that everything I said was so important and that I didn't want to do chit chat or small talk, that if I didn't have something important to say i would say nothing at all. Thankfully, I'm not so much like that any more. I realise that relationships are built over time and that small talk is actually very important.

i used to internalise everything. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 22 and I used to fixate and obsess about different girls, but have no confidence to talk to them at all. I suppose with that it's because i thought that there was something wrong with me and I'd be very lucky to get a girlfriend, so I channelled everything into that 'mission' and made far too much of a big thing out of it, beating myself up about it and making myself miserable.

i suppose I am actually quite obsessive. I used to write fantasy CVs, listing all the jobs that I wanted to get.

I feel like I am deconstructing myself and, hopefully, I can rebuild myself in such a way that I understand myself much better, I am truer to the way i feel and I am more confident, relaxed and focussed.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[PurpleRain]

This is an interesting thread!!...Thought i may as well add a bit about me!

I was always quiet as a child but confident and secure in myself,i think the problems started in my teens when my hormones went haywire and started to live dangerously,smoked way too much and lost any motivation. Met a man in my late teens who although i didnt realise it at the time over the years destroyed my confidence. Had a lot of other upheavels in my life and grief to deal with without the support and guidance i needed.

Anyway although its been a tough ride i believe what ive had to face has made me a stronger and better person and i now truly appreciate life and all it has to offer....looking forward to the day my old confidence returns though. :D

[KatiePie]

Wow, reading some of this is like reading about myself - how odd that some of us are so similar...

I really worried when I was little (and still do). Both my parents were heavy smokers and I thought I was going to 'catch' cancer from it (this was about 25 years ago now). Consequently I spent hours at my friends house to 'escape'.

I then went through a really bad period when I was about 14 - I've only recently realised that I was depressed. I felt really 'square' at school and hated the fact that I wore glasses and didn't think I was as pretty as everyone else. I didn't want to hand around the amusement arcade with the boys every evening so 'my friends' dropped me and I went through a really difficult time until I made new friends.

And I really associate with the comments about feeling like a big kid still - I'm 33 and keep wondering when I'll be strong!! My sister lives in America and the last two times I've visited her I've been on sertaline (for panic and anxiety). I'm going to visit again soon and am quite scared about it doing it without meds in case I lose the plot!!

I feel quite different when I'm not on meds - I feel I worry about things too much and take things far too seriously. I wonder whether it's because deep down life is such a fantastic but scary experience. You can never be truly 'safe' or predict bad things around the corner. Some things about life are so unfair and hard to live through and I wonder whether at the bottom of things is a fear of being able to cope with it all.

Apologies for getting too deep!

;) KatiePie

[florence]

I was normal, rational and without phobias ( apart from spiders but I can live with that ).
I 'd give anything to feel that way again.

Florence.

*** Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.***

[heavymind]

Generally, I was lacking in confidence, very quiet, not really involved in very many things, socially awkward, moody, passive, bright. - i could have written this

Ram

[PanickyPolly]

I was confident, beautiful, 10 pounds heavier and had a life. I'm now a shivering wreck and a recluse.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I can remember a few occasions where I had an urge to throw myself off a ferry or a high building when I was younger. I didn't know that they were panic attacks at the time, I just thought that there must be something wrong with me and that I should keep it to myself. I wasn't even sure if they were the first signs of madness!

Looking back I can also see that I had a very depressed childhood. My parents didn't especially get on and I think they were both unhappy themselves. I was bright at school, but socially very awkward especially because I had a very poor upbringing and I was embarassed about it.

I think, at the moment, my general depression comes from feeling that I'm not on the right path. I lived in London for a little while and I did love that lifestyle, I felt at home even if I was very poor. I think that the lifestyle image that I had for myself drugs- alcohol-sex was very bad for me and brought out all the worst things in my personality.

I'm living back up north in the countryside now. It is pretty boring, but I'm giving myself better role models and ambitions and it's giving me a chance to repair bridges with my family. I want to be the sort of person that stretches myself and lives life to the full like James Cracknell or the reformed Sophie Anderton rather than a waster.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.