View Full Version : Is this relationship anxiety?
VioletWings
23-01-12, 16:32
Ok.. this was sparked by reading another post on here about relationships .. my fiance and I got engaged just before Christmas. We've been together 2 years and he's the best guy I've ever met -we have grown a lot together and he's my best friend. He deals well with my anxiety too and has been a complete star. I am sure he's the one I want to marry, though I have struggled with 'feeling' as I think I should feel. When he proposed I didn't feel excited, and I barely wanted to tell anyone as I didn't feel as excited as I knew they would be. We have told family members and a few others, but it's not totally public knowledge yet.
Logically, I do want to be with him, it's just my feelings, and it dawned on me that this could be related to my anxiety??
I've dreamed of getting married and finding the right man for years, and it seems now it's happened I'm all unsure! Does this sound like it could be related to my anxiety? I also have trouble feeling 'in love'. I basically haven't felt that since my first serious boyfriend 7 years ago!
anxiety does stem a lot of feelings but you should be 100per cent sure you love him before getting married . i think you should know deep down though
morning_blues
23-01-12, 19:00
Anxiety is a fickle thing! It messes so much with your confidence and self esteem that you struggle to know what you want/deserve/can cope with and doubt everything. Not quite the same but..I've wanted a horse all my life, and finally at the age of 35 got to buy my very own. Which sent me into total meltdown! I decided I didn't want him, couldn't cope, didn't want the responsibility etc. It was nothing to do with the poor horse, but your confidence is so shot it's hard to handle things in a proportionate way.
It sounds like this is a really good thing for you, but anxiety is a bugger for making you over analyse everthing instead of just enjoying it! To give yourself a bit of space you don't need to do anything in a hurry..take your time, relax and enjoy it!
VioletWings
23-01-12, 21:27
Thank you to both of you :hugs:
And morning_blues, that's good advice I plan to take! I definitely don't need to be rushing at this stage.
I had this exact same problem. My last girlfriend was beautiful, kind and we got on brilliantly. I started thinking but how do I know if Im in love? I got myself into such a state about it. It was the point I realised I needed therapy. After working with my therapist I realised I was happy and learnt to stop questioning every little thing and let myself just be happy and stop worrying about the future.
She left me about 6 months later and I was absolutely devastated. It was only at this point I realised how much I really did love her. So I guess what Im saying is just be careful and dont do anything rash! :winks:
I understand where you're coming from Violet Wings. Getting married is a big and, dare I say it, stressful thing. You probably just don't want to get yourself too excited in case in makes your anxiety worse.
Morning Blues - Again, I understand. I had to do this with a dog and felt really pathetic about not even being able to cope with looking after a dog.
Joe C - I have a wonderful boyfriend but I'm not sure if I love him? He also suffers from mental health problems and is very supportive of mine. I don't know how he puts up with my mood swings to be honest, he usually bears the brunt of them but recently I've been wondering if I would just be better off on my own?
Its perfectly normal with anxiety to feel detached from people, detached from any emotion... we are so wrapped up in worrying about ourself...Ive read many threads on here about people saying they dont feel 'love' for their partner or anyone for that matter...
you do obviously love your partner, and he sounds like hes a great support and a great guy fullstop... you KNOW you love him, so stop worrying, and just except this is part of your anxiety only....
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/nmp/misc/progress.gif
it depends I guess Haz, I am by no means an expert! This is going to shallow but, without being crude the physical side of things were mind blowing for me and I found her stunning at the beginning of out relationship. But because i "got used" to looking at her I found I didnt get those butterflies anymore and started panicing I didnt really love her etc. But when I was calm I knew that she was stunning and I realised how happy I truly was! My mum has since criticised me and said we werent right for each other and I only loved her because she was beautiful to look at. Ive had a couple of relationships since and realised I have to feel those butterflies at first and if I dont then its not the girl for me.
However everyone is different and like I said I am by no means an expert!:)
---------- Post added at 22:50 ---------- Previous post was at 22:47 ----------
Its perfectly normal with anxiety to feel detached from people, detached from any emotion... we are so wrapped up in worrying about ourself...Ive read many threads on here about people saying they dont feel 'love' for their partner or anyone for that matter...
you do obviously love your partner, and he sounds like hes a great support and a great guy fullstop... you KNOW you love him, so stop worrying, and just except this is part of your anxiety only....
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/nmp/misc/progress.gif
Spot on advice in my opinion! If your feeling anxious you just have to look back to the beginning of your relationship and realise just because you feel detached from your emotions, it doesnt mean you dont love them. It just means your anxiety is kicking in! :blush:
it depends I guess Haz, I am by no means an expert! This is going to shallow but, without being crude the physical side of things were mind blowing for me and I found her stunning at the beginning of out relationship. But because i "got used" to looking at her I found I didnt get those butterflies anymore and started panicing I didnt really love her etc. But when I was calm I knew that she was stunning and I realised how happy I truly was! My mum has since criticised me and said we werent right for each other and I only loved her because she was beautiful to look at. Ive had a couple of relationships since and realised I have to feel those butterflies at first and if I dont then its not the girl for me.
However everyone is different and like I said I am by no means an expert!:)
---------- Post added at 22:50 ---------- Previous post was at 22:47 ----------
I've kind of lost interest in the physical side of things recently but that could just be down to the way I'm feeling. Winter months are not my best. I don't get the "butterflies" anymore but I suppose after a year, maybe that's normal??
Maybe it's my age, I'm 43!! Lol. :)
Spot on advice in my opinion! If your feeling anxious you just have to look back to the beginning of your relationship and realise just because you feel detached from your emotions, it doesnt mean you dont love them. It just means your anxiety is kicking in! :blush:
I've kind of lost interest in the physical side of things recently but that could just be down to the way I'm feeling. Winter months are not my best. I don't get the "butterflies" anymore but I suppose after a year, maybe that's normal??
Maybe it's my age, I'm 43!! Lol. :smile:
I've kind of lost interest in the physical side of things recently but that could just be down to the way I'm feeling. Winter months are not my best. I don't get the "butterflies" anymore but I suppose after a year, maybe that's normal??
Maybe it's my age, I'm 43!! Lol. :smile:
I agree on both counts! Men are full of testosterone therefore I would assume the physical side of a relationship is important to us and we can perform whether we're stressed or not. The likelyhood is its down to how your feeling :)
After a year Id say thats completely normal! :yesyes:
Lol! Yeah, I'm sure things will be back to normal come the Spring!! If he hasn't left me with my mood swings!!
Cheers. x
Sorry Violet Wings, we've kinda hijacked your thread here. x
Im sure it'll be all good haz :winks:
This is so current for me right now! I'm getting married in May this year and at 36 it's my first engagement, wedding etc. I never thought I'd even get married (as I was never bothered about it) so it's pretty huge. I know, unequivocally that I love him with all of my heart but every now and again the little demon pops in and tells me that I don't want to marry him. When we have a row I always want to call it off. These feelings have made me question if I REALLY want to be getting married several times.
However, I believe that it is down to our anxiety. I still get the butterflies in all honesty but equally get the 'AAAARGH' as though we've been married for 20 years!
Nothing is concrete when it comes to our feelings and that's for non anxiety sufferers. We're really stuffed! I say go along with it all until something in your heart tells you otherwise. You always know deep down if it's what you want. Don't ever be ashamed of your feelings and if it happens that you decide it's not right, well, just know that that's alright too.
Good luck xx
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