Hope

[Janeeey]

Some of you may recognise my name as over the past year or two I have posted a number of times almost always regarding gynae cancers and occasional bowel (and a brief worry over breast!). I just wanted to give back a little to the kind words I have been given and to show to those suffering with this horrible illness that there is hope!

My HA started 3 years ago now, following post natal anxiety, a fixation on my sons health and then due to out of the blue problems with periods it became an obsession with mine.

I have had period problems in one way or another for 3 years, lots of tests, ovarian cyst removal at one point but no cancer found. The beginning of last year was the absolute peak of my anixety and ended with me starting medication and eventually having CBT therapy.

I spent much of my time crying and in bed and convinced 100% I would die - I know anyone reading this knows how that feels. I felt so angry that if my body could just give me a break and stop giving me symptoms that all would be ok - I'm sure many of you know how that feels!

Today I am by no means cured, I'm not sure that that can ever totally happen (though maybe in time), we unfortunately have learnt too much from google and horror stories but I feel 100% better than I did.

I still have fears of sex - the idea of blood has been my main worry and typically this month just after I stopped the tablets and the CBT I had what I most feared a random bleed in between cycles - I even spent half a day in bed and was so upset that maybe this was a set back. I had a scan all clear and am awaiting an other appointment in a month - most likely everything is ok.

But this episode has given me a valuable lesson - it is normal to worry and worrying doesn't mean you have a problem - HA is of course when that worry goes too far. As such I still have that 'feeling' of panic on occasions but not all the time as before - but I can move on now from it - I wanted my life back and honestly I just became so bored of my own voice in my head that I just told it to go away!

CBT has been so amazing for me, it has made me realise that life cannot be guaranteed and that no test will give me the peace of mind I craved so badly, that only I can do that. I always felt that if I got cancer that I wouldn't be able to cope and would feel like I do when I have a major anxiety episode every minute of every day.

I now realise that i am strong and in the end I would have no choice but to get on with it - of course I pray I don't ever get this but I have to live with this uncertainty like anyone else and I want to live and enjoy life to the full and am trying so hard to achive this.

If I have a health worry now I try hard to remember what I have learnt and think it will most likely be ok and take comfort in the fact that I have no fear going to a Dr and know pretty much every sign of every illness - I know too much (and in reality I know nothing) but at least I won't die of ignorance!

I also have given myself a break - if in a months time I have a set back and feel the need to post on here again I won't feel like I am back to square one - or maybe I will, but I do hope I will be strong enough to know that sometimes set backs will happen.

I don't know if this will help anyone, i don't wish to be patronising as nobody can say stop worrying because I have, its a journey everyone has to take in there own time - but I wanted to say I have done this and there is light. It is no cure - I want to always remember so as to try hard not to go back to where I was - I am a worrier, always will be, but I will try hard to make sure I control it now and not the other way around.

If I could recommend anything then that is medication (to give yourself a break) and CBT which i know isn't easy to get. And good luck I know how horrible this is, I know others can't really get people like us sometimes but we can at least help each other.

Sorry for ramble!!

xxx

[Beyonderz]

Thank you very much Janeeey. It is really an encouraging post.
I managed to get over 90% of my panic attacks with a short term treatment, but for some reason healing my HA seems to be impossible.

I do not get freaking panics maybe, but I do bother other people around me by asking billions of stupid questions and talking about these stuff. One day I found myself talking about my health concerns, non stop the whole day. That is how it goes for me.

I guess one should remind self (if they are lucky enough not to have any serious disease story in the family) that there is a low chance for them to have a very serious issue, which is actually really a low chance. At least that is what my father's doctor said.

My father had throat cancer, had that area fully removed (he can not eat normal food and talk right now), then he had a part of his colons removed (polips, in any case), then while they were on it, they removed his spleen and gallbladder which already turned in to stone itself -.-' ... He even made joke about it saying "I'm glad they left my heart inside" :) He has super morale, he doesn't even think of a chance of his cancer coming back. I would give anything, ANYTHING, to be able to think and act like he does.

I guess it comes with age. But even though we know the amount of stress we are having is possibly going to create a REAL sickness someday, we can not help it.
I hope everyone can solve their HA issues.

Good luck!

[Acidomoduso]

That is awesome Janeeey! A real, positive post from a real, positive person. I'm so glad you have changed your mindset. I hope that your influence and inspiration can help many peaople (me included) to overcome their fears).
Thank you for posting.:yesyes:

And Beyonderz... i know exactly how you feel when you say you wished you could be able to think and act like your Dad does. Although not in the same leage as your Dad, mine was once stabbed in the back with a shoe repairers sole blade and walked to the hospital with it still in his back (when he was very young). He also dislocated his little finger at work so he popped it back, had it checked by the first aider and then continued to work. Dads are legends, aren't they?!

[Ivory]

WOW! Thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration. Just reading your post, you have helped me set my goals. Although it feels at times we are alone with our anxiety and fear and worry, always remember we are all in this together. Only worriers can relate to other worriers. I have HA, but HA does NOT have me. God Bless!