Janeeey
24-01-12, 19:24
Some of you may recognise my name as over the past year or two I have posted a number of times almost always regarding gynae cancers and occasional bowel (and a brief worry over breast!). I just wanted to give back a little to the kind words I have been given and to show to those suffering with this horrible illness that there is hope!
My HA started 3 years ago now, following post natal anxiety, a fixation on my sons health and then due to out of the blue problems with periods it became an obsession with mine.
I have had period problems in one way or another for 3 years, lots of tests, ovarian cyst removal at one point but no cancer found. The beginning of last year was the absolute peak of my anixety and ended with me starting medication and eventually having CBT therapy.
I spent much of my time crying and in bed and convinced 100% I would die - I know anyone reading this knows how that feels. I felt so angry that if my body could just give me a break and stop giving me symptoms that all would be ok - I'm sure many of you know how that feels!
Today I am by no means cured, I'm not sure that that can ever totally happen (though maybe in time), we unfortunately have learnt too much from google and horror stories but I feel 100% better than I did.
I still have fears of sex - the idea of blood has been my main worry and typically this month just after I stopped the tablets and the CBT I had what I most feared a random bleed in between cycles - I even spent half a day in bed and was so upset that maybe this was a set back. I had a scan all clear and am awaiting an other appointment in a month - most likely everything is ok.
But this episode has given me a valuable lesson - it is normal to worry and worrying doesn't mean you have a problem - HA is of course when that worry goes too far. As such I still have that 'feeling' of panic on occasions but not all the time as before - but I can move on now from it - I wanted my life back and honestly I just became so bored of my own voice in my head that I just told it to go away!
CBT has been so amazing for me, it has made me realise that life cannot be guaranteed and that no test will give me the peace of mind I craved so badly, that only I can do that. I always felt that if I got cancer that I wouldn't be able to cope and would feel like I do when I have a major anxiety episode every minute of every day.
I now realise that i am strong and in the end I would have no choice but to get on with it - of course I pray I don't ever get this but I have to live with this uncertainty like anyone else and I want to live and enjoy life to the full and am trying so hard to achive this.
If I have a health worry now I try hard to remember what I have learnt and think it will most likely be ok and take comfort in the fact that I have no fear going to a Dr and know pretty much every sign of every illness - I know too much (and in reality I know nothing) but at least I won't die of ignorance!
I also have given myself a break - if in a months time I have a set back and feel the need to post on here again I won't feel like I am back to square one - or maybe I will, but I do hope I will be strong enough to know that sometimes set backs will happen.
I don't know if this will help anyone, i don't wish to be patronising as nobody can say stop worrying because I have, its a journey everyone has to take in there own time - but I wanted to say I have done this and there is light. It is no cure - I want to always remember so as to try hard not to go back to where I was - I am a worrier, always will be, but I will try hard to make sure I control it now and not the other way around.
If I could recommend anything then that is medication (to give yourself a break) and CBT which i know isn't easy to get. And good luck I know how horrible this is, I know others can't really get people like us sometimes but we can at least help each other.
Sorry for ramble!!
xxx
My HA started 3 years ago now, following post natal anxiety, a fixation on my sons health and then due to out of the blue problems with periods it became an obsession with mine.
I have had period problems in one way or another for 3 years, lots of tests, ovarian cyst removal at one point but no cancer found. The beginning of last year was the absolute peak of my anixety and ended with me starting medication and eventually having CBT therapy.
I spent much of my time crying and in bed and convinced 100% I would die - I know anyone reading this knows how that feels. I felt so angry that if my body could just give me a break and stop giving me symptoms that all would be ok - I'm sure many of you know how that feels!
Today I am by no means cured, I'm not sure that that can ever totally happen (though maybe in time), we unfortunately have learnt too much from google and horror stories but I feel 100% better than I did.
I still have fears of sex - the idea of blood has been my main worry and typically this month just after I stopped the tablets and the CBT I had what I most feared a random bleed in between cycles - I even spent half a day in bed and was so upset that maybe this was a set back. I had a scan all clear and am awaiting an other appointment in a month - most likely everything is ok.
But this episode has given me a valuable lesson - it is normal to worry and worrying doesn't mean you have a problem - HA is of course when that worry goes too far. As such I still have that 'feeling' of panic on occasions but not all the time as before - but I can move on now from it - I wanted my life back and honestly I just became so bored of my own voice in my head that I just told it to go away!
CBT has been so amazing for me, it has made me realise that life cannot be guaranteed and that no test will give me the peace of mind I craved so badly, that only I can do that. I always felt that if I got cancer that I wouldn't be able to cope and would feel like I do when I have a major anxiety episode every minute of every day.
I now realise that i am strong and in the end I would have no choice but to get on with it - of course I pray I don't ever get this but I have to live with this uncertainty like anyone else and I want to live and enjoy life to the full and am trying so hard to achive this.
If I have a health worry now I try hard to remember what I have learnt and think it will most likely be ok and take comfort in the fact that I have no fear going to a Dr and know pretty much every sign of every illness - I know too much (and in reality I know nothing) but at least I won't die of ignorance!
I also have given myself a break - if in a months time I have a set back and feel the need to post on here again I won't feel like I am back to square one - or maybe I will, but I do hope I will be strong enough to know that sometimes set backs will happen.
I don't know if this will help anyone, i don't wish to be patronising as nobody can say stop worrying because I have, its a journey everyone has to take in there own time - but I wanted to say I have done this and there is light. It is no cure - I want to always remember so as to try hard not to go back to where I was - I am a worrier, always will be, but I will try hard to make sure I control it now and not the other way around.
If I could recommend anything then that is medication (to give yourself a break) and CBT which i know isn't easy to get. And good luck I know how horrible this is, I know others can't really get people like us sometimes but we can at least help each other.
Sorry for ramble!!
xxx