What works for agoraphobia?

[blueangel]

Hi All

I don't make very frequent visits to NMP at the moment as I'm doing not too badly, but I'm looking for some information about agoraphobia (which I've never had myself).

I'm seeking a bit of input for my partner's mother, as she is an agoraphobia sufferer.

I gather it has crept on over many years, starting with things like having to sit at the back at the cinema so that she could "escape" quickly if necessary, but has progressed a lot over the last few years, to the extent now that she finds it difficult to go in any sort of transport. She can go out for walks to a limited extent, and does very occasionally go out in the car, but often this is only a couple of times a year, and for very short distances.

The big problem is that me and my partner are getting married in September, and we live 200 miles away. Getting married in their part of the country is absolutely not an option, as we wouldn't be able to have any guests to the wedding.

Obviously, she wants to come to the wedding, but has already found a reason to reject every way of getting there (I know this is part of the avoidance process and she is justifying to herself that it's impossible to do).

The issues to be dealt with are:

* if she can't go, she will be guilty forever more that she wasn't able to go to her eldest won's wedding, and this will most likely mean that she will never attempt any sort of journey again (therefore she will miss out on her grandchildren's major life events and wouldn't cope *at all* if anything happened to her husband
* my partner will naturally be upset and disappointed that his mum isn't able to be there
* it's actually ruining his dad's life as well - he can't go out anywhere as he doesn't want to leave her on his own. Although they're both retired, they're in very good health and he has a good pension, so there is all sorts of things they could be doing with their lives as well

I believe she might have tried some counselling a long time ago, but unfortunately she isn't the type of personality who will want to co-operate with other people. She is quite a "difficult" personality and isn't really interested in listening to other peoples' advice or opinions.

At the moment, the only ideas I can come up with are to try and have a chat with my partner's dad when we see them in a couple of weeks, and try to get to the bottom of how bad the problem is. I'm going to suggest that he tries to get her to the GP, as to be honest they are more than capable of paying for private treatment to get her sorted.

Any advice or opinions would be very welcome!

[Alabasterlyn]

It's a toughie, especially if your future mother in law has had it for a lot of years. I very nearly didn't go to my own son's wedding as I also have agoraphobia and at that time was at a stage where going anywhere in daylight caused me major problems.

The only thing that got me through the day was the knowledge that if I didn't go there was no way I could try again as it was, hopefully, a one off event. So with that in mind I just got in the car and went and I can still recall sitting in traffic on a busy Saturday afternoon wondering how the hell I was going to get through a whole day out of the house when I hadn't been to a wedding for over 20yrs before that!

However my son's wedding was only 20mins drive away and quite honestly I don't think I would be able to manage 200 miles. If I really had to push myself that far I think I would have to hire a motorhome so that I could take a 'safe zone' with me as a car wouldn't be big enough.

As for going to her GP, my experience of GP's is that generally they have very little knowledge of anxiety disorders and agoraphobia is in itself a very difficult phobia to understand as it's not specific and is basically a "fear of fear" and not a fear of going out which is what many people believe it to be.

The only other thing I can suggest, if she really can't make it, is if someone could set up a live internet link so that she can watch the ceremony from home and at least feel part of it, although I know that isn't ideal.

[thetube82]

one good thing is the wedding is a while away so you might manage to get her there if you plan this well!!

I would suggest trying a long graded exposure, and aim for her visiting you a few times before the wedding day as part of the exposure, i think the pressure of a graded exposure where the final part was getting to the wedding the day before would be very difficult!!

Either way, its all gonna be difficult if she doesnt agree with it, hope she aint that 'difficult' :winks:

thetube82

[haz]

I'm also agoraphobic. Agoraphobics tend to have a "comfort zone", assuming they can leave the house at all that is. I haven't been able to travel further than 30mins from my house for over two years now. 200 miles is a long way! I couldn't do it just now.

I really don't know what to suggest. Unfortunately, the more "pressure" you feel to go somewhere unfamiliar or out of your comfort zone, the more anxious you become about it. At least I do.

I've never tried it because I can't afford it, but would she maybe be prepared to try hypnotherapy?

Sorry, not much help I''m afraid. It's very difficult having agoraphobia.

Haz.x

[kittikat]

Hi Blueangel, sorry to hear about your dilemma. I have panic/anxiety disorder which has led to some problems with agorophobia. I've had days where I couldn't go out at all and days where I can do my 'comfort zone' with a family member or my partner. Still can't manage the weekly shop alone. Anyway, the only thing I have found to be helpful is diazepam and as stated in previous post little short journeys with someone and the option to go home if I felt uncomfortable. I can now drive to mums or work (just a couple of miles away) and that's a major breakthrough for me. Exposure therapy I suppose, but at my own pace and not under pressure.

I'm sure deep down she won't want to miss the wedding and will be feeling bad/embarrassed about it. Maybe you can bring it up in a sensitive way and say you know this or that has helped others and make her feel that you really want her there. It's a tough one but good luck & congrats in advance of your big day. Don't let all the stress ruin your special day xx

[Alabasterlyn]

Another thing you could do, which would take the pressure off her, is to just say you and her son would love her to come, but you understand it may be too much for her, so you are fine with her not going. That way she won't have the added guilt of letting her son down if she doesn't go.