Please help!

[yvonne_uk_98]

Hi,

My nephew dad has passed away, my nephew is around about 12 to 13 years old, he would like to see his dad in the coffin.

My sister and I now have a hard decision to make, we would like some advice please if you can help in any way. we would very much appreciate this, thanks.

if this was you in this position would you allow your son to see their dad in the coffin, do you think this would help them in anyway?

Please respond, we would be very grateful, thanks.

Yvonne

[nomorepanic]

Sorry to hear this Yvonne

If I am honest then I would say no as he is very young and it could be his lasting memory of his dad and he should remember him when he was alive.

[suzy-sue]

Oh so sorry to hear this Yvonne .:hugs:I am inclined to agree with Nic here ...I wouldnt let mine ..T/c Luv Sue x

[eeyorelover]

I was 11 when my Grandfather passed and I did go to the funeral and went up and viewed the body.
Somehow, I convinced my mind that he was breathing!
To this day I can remember seeing his chest rise and fall with each breath!
Now I know that isn't possible but I do think that because my mind couldn't accept his passing and being so young in such a stressful situation as the funeral and viewing, I saw what I wanted to see!
It has stayed with me though.
I can only speak to my experience.
I wish I hadn't been there or seen him!
I was too young and it did leave me with a scar that I still fight.
xxx
Sandy

[yvonne_uk_98]

Sorry to hear this Yvonne

If I am honest then I would say no as he is very young and it could be his lasting memory of his dad and he should remember him when he was alive.

Thank you very much for your advice, very much appreciated, thanks and your kind words:hugs:


Oh so sorry to hear this Yvonne .:hugs:I am inclined to agree with Nic here ...I wouldnt let mine ..T/c Luv Sue x

Thank you for your advice, and your kind words, very much appreciated thanks. :hugs:



I was 11 when my Grandfather passed and I did go to the funeral and went up and viewed the body.
Somehow, I convinced my mind that he was breathing!
To this day I can remember seeing his chest rise and fall with each breath!
Now I know that isn't possible but I do think that because my mind couldn't accept his passing and being so young in such a stressful situation as the funeral and viewing, I saw what I wanted to see!
It has stayed with me though.
I can only speak to my experience.
I wish I hadn't been there or seen him!
I was too young and it did leave me with a scar that I still fight.
xxx
Sandy

So sorry to hear that Sandy, thank you for your advice and kind words, very much appreciated, thanks. :hugs:

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, we very much appreciate this, thanks.

I would agree with you. just need to convince my sister and her son. that's gonna be hard on to do. thanks.

Yvonne

[empowered]

Yvonne - so sorry to hear of your family's loss:weep:
However, I do agree with the other replies - I would say your nephew is far too young to see his father in a coffin - in fact, I'm not sure that any age is good unless one needs to "bring closure" to a relationship or situation that has occurred. My mum died 2 years ago aged 83 and my dad wanted to know if my sister and I wanted to see her in the funeral home - we both said a resounding no, and he saw her and totally regretted it and wouldn't talk about it - apparently she looked nothing like herself but at least I can remember her the last time I saw her in hospital. Take care love Debs:hugs:

[sickandtired]

im afraid i agree too
i was 27 when i saw my grandma.....it really upset me,and they didnt even do her make up correctly.....her lipstick had worn away and her lips were black.....her hands were cold (i know i should have expected that,but it was still a shock)
i think 12 is too young....my daughter is same age......i wouldnt want to put her through that,but if she specifically asked??.............if your nephew is asking to see his Dad then thats a tough one.......he may resent you if you say no......
im sorry,no real answer here....im sure you,ll make the right decision

[yvonne_uk_98]

Yvonne - so sorry to hear of your family's loss:weep:
However, I do agree with the other replies - I would say your nephew is far too young to see his father in a coffin - in fact, I'm not sure that any age is good unless one needs to "bring closure" to a relationship or situation that has occurred. My mum died 2 years ago aged 83 and my dad wanted to know if my sister and I wanted to see her in the funeral home - we both said a resounding no, and he saw her and totally regretted it and wouldn't talk about it - apparently she looked nothing like herself but at least I can remember her the last time I saw her in hospital. Take care love Debs:hugs:

empowered,

Thank you for your kind words and your advice, we very much appreciate them, thanks.:hugs:

sorry to hear about your mom. :hugs:



im afraid i agree too
i was 27 when i saw my grandma.....it really upset me,and they didnt even do her make up correctly.....her lipstick had worn away and her lips were black.....her hands were cold (i know i should have expected that,but it was still a shock)
i think 12 is too young....my daughter is same age......i wouldnt want to put her through that,but if she specifically asked??.............if your nephew is asking to see his Dad then thats a tough one.......he may resent you if you say no......
im sorry,no real answer here....im sure you,ll make the right decision

sickandtired,

Thank you for your kind words and advice, we very much appreciate them, thanks. :hugs:

so sorry to hear you had not good experience.:hugs:yes my nephew is requesting to see his dad, that what makes the decision difficult, and reading all your advice and seeing it, now to try and put it into correct words and let him know it's would be best he dont go and see him, and try to remember his dad when he seen him last. which would have been such a long time ago. though he did see his dad on a regula basis, only when his dad was sober.

[sickandtired]

yes i think youre coming to the right answer.....better for your nephew to remember him at his best
ive seen a few family members and people always comment on how 'well' theyve looked.....what a good job the undertakers have made".......i know it sounds harsh...but inside im screaming....'no they dont! they dont just look asleep.....not in my experiences anyway.....i think its something people say to comfort everyone

[Carys]

I might not help here, but I disagree with most others. I don't think 12 is too young, actually I don't think many ages are too young...providing it is dealt with in a very careful and sensitive way.

It all depends, ultimately, on what your nephew wants to do. If his wishes are ignored, and he does not have the chance to follow his own heart on this one, then he may feel deep regret and resentment in later life. I was once stopped from viewing the body of a family member, despite wanting to do so and say goodbye, and it has stayed with me to this day that I was denied the opportunity. Since then I have viewed bodies of other family members and not regretted it. It is painful, and will need lots of discussion both before and after, but it may be that what he wants has to be the way to go on this one.

Edited to add - I have just seen from earlier in the thread that he IS requesting to see his Dad, then I believe that he simply must. It is us adults who get ourselves incredibly worked up about death, dead bodies and find the communication surrounding it very difficult to deal with. Often children are more matter of fact and accepting. Even if he sees a very different person to the one he knew in life, then that can open discussion about the leaving of the soul of the actual person and the body that remains (depending on your beliefs of course).

Deep condolences at this difficult time for you, take care.

---------- Post added at 13:17 ---------- Previous post was at 13:11 ----------

Here is a short little BBC article that might help a little ?


http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/bereavement/bereavement_helpchildren.shtml#top


I believe, as I've said above that the child themselves can make the decision on this one and we should not be making the decision for them.

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Yvonne I'm sorry that your family have to make this difficult decision. As you know my Dad died last April and my son who is nearly thirteen insisted on coming to see him in the hospital. He was very very poorly and barely conscious but I'm glad that we allowed him to come. When viewing my Dad's body they allowed a thin gauze sheet to be placed over his face.My son did not come or ask to come. They asked if we wanted it removed and we said to leave it in place. He looked considerably better as our lasting memories in the hospital were not good. I think that this young man's Mum will have to decide whether he sees his Dad for the last time or not. He might be very distressed or he might be comforted by it. Only she can decide as he is under age he is not able to make that decision himself. Take care. EJ.

[Magic]

Sorry for your loss Yvonne,
In your first post you said your nephew requested to see his dad.Thats fine,but if he changes his mind at the last minute,then thats fine too.
It's the choice that he has.
I remember when I was about the same age as your nephew, I was dragged forcibly
to look at a relitive in there coffin (thank goodness those days have gone)
Still haunts me though.
All the best and take care

[macc noodle]

Very sorry to hear of your family's loss Yvonne.

This is a tricky question to answer since there are always pluses and minuses to any difficult situation and unquestionably everyone brings their own personal experience or opinion to the table when replying.

First of all, I think that your nephew at 13 is old enough to be allowed to see his father one last time if he wants to - the very fact that he has asked should be sufficient for his mother to help him achieve his request.

To deny him his request could damage his grieving process which ultimately will be the key to how he handles the loss of his father.

I wish his mother all the strength and courage in the world to be able to handle this as her son wishes and to give him the ability to say one last goodbye.

Macc Noodle
xx

[Tish]

So sorry for your family's loss Yvonne.

I'm with Carys on this one, totally agree with everything she said. x

[yvonne_uk_98]

I might not help here, but I disagree with most others. I don't think 12 is too young, actually I don't think many ages are too young...providing it is dealt with in a very careful and sensitive way.

It all depends, ultimately, on what your nephew wants to do. If his wishes are ignored, and he does not have the chance to follow his own heart on this one, then he may feel deep regret and resentment in later life. I was once stopped from viewing the body of a family member, despite wanting to do so and say goodbye, and it has stayed with me to this day that I was denied the opportunity. Since then I have viewed bodies of other family members and not regretted it. It is painful, and will need lots of discussion both before and after, but it may be that what he wants has to be the way to go on this one.

Edited to add - I have just seen from earlier in the thread that he IS requesting to see his Dad, then I believe that he simply must. It is us adults who get ourselves incredibly worked up about death, dead bodies and find the communication surrounding it very difficult to deal with. Often children are more matter of fact and accepting. Even if he sees a very different person to the one he knew in life, then that can open discussion about the leaving of the soul of the actual person and the body that remains (depending on your beliefs of course).

Deep condolences at this difficult time for you, take care.

---------- Post added at 13:17 ---------- Previous post was at 13:11 ----------

Here is a short little BBC article that might help a little ?


http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/bereavement/bereavement_helpchildren.shtml#top


I believe, as I've said above that the child themselves can make the decision on this one and we should not be making the decision for them.

Carys,

Thank you for you kind words, your advice and helpful link very much appreciated, thanks.:hugs:




Dear Yvonne I'm sorry that your family have to make this difficult decision. As you know my Dad died last April and my son who is nearly thirteen insisted on coming to see him in the hospital. He was very very poorly and barely conscious but I'm glad that we allowed him to come. When viewing my Dad's body they allowed a thin gauze sheet to be placed over his face.My son did not come or ask to come. They asked if we wanted it removed and we said to leave it in place. He looked considerably better as our lasting memories in the hospital were not good. I think that this young man's Mum will have to decide whether he sees his Dad for the last time or not. He might be very distressed or he might be comforted by it. Only she can decide as he is under age he is not able to make that decision himself. Take care. EJ.

ElizabethJane,

Thank you for your kind words, advice and very much appreciated, thanks.:hugs:

yes I remember last year when you lost your dad, Im thinking of you and still praying for you ElizabethJane. I will pass on your advice and condolances to her, thank you.


Sorry for your loss Yvonne,
In your first post you said your nephew requested to see his dad.Thats fine,but if he changes his mind at the last minute,then thats fine too.
It's the choice that he has.
I remember when I was about the same age as your nephew, I was dragged forcibly
to look at a relitive in there coffin (thank goodness those days have gone)
Still haunts me though.
All the best and take care

magic,

thank you for your kind words, and words of advice, very much appreciated, thanks.:hugs:


Very sorry to hear of your family's loss Yvonne.

This is a tricky question to answer since there are always pluses and minuses to any difficult situation and unquestionably everyone brings their own personal experience or opinion to the table when replying.

First of all, I think that your nephew at 13 is old enough to be allowed to see his father one last time if he wants to - the very fact that he has asked should be sufficient for his mother to help him achieve his request.

To deny him his request could damage his grieving process which ultimately will be the key to how he handles the loss of his father.

I wish his mother all the strength and courage in the world to be able to handle this as her son wishes and to give him the ability to say one last goodbye.

Macc Noodle
xx

macc noodle,

thank you for your kind words, very much appreciated for your advice too, thanks.:hugs:


So sorry for your family's loss Yvonne.

I'm with Carys on this one, totally agree with everything she said. x

Tish,

thank you for your kind words and your advice too, very much appreciated, thanks.:hugs:

---------- Post added at 03:02 ---------- Previous post was at 02:57 ----------

Hi everyone,

I will be passing on all your kind words and advice to my sister, and for the link, I spoke to my sister to let her know about all your lovely kind words and very much appreciated advice that you all have given, my sister Maria wanted me to Thank you all very much for your kind words and very much appreciated advice.

Thank you very much for the link, which has been a great help too.

My sister and I have been praying about this, we both didnt know what was best, with your kind words and advice will help us to come to a decision together. we will keep you posted in what we decided is best for David. I will give my sister my advice on what I think. the rest is up to her, and I will support her in what she chooses for her son. Thank you all again, very much appreciated, thanks.

Yvonne

[macc noodle]

Yvonne,

Just wanted to say what a lovely caring sister and aunt you are and how Maria and David are very lucky to have you around.

:hugs:

Macc Noodle
xxxx

[yvonne_uk_98]

Yvonne,

Just wanted to say what a lovely caring sister and aunt you are and how Maria and David are very lucky to have you around.

:hugs:

Macc Noodle
xxxx

Macc Noodle,

Thank you very much for your kind and sweet words, very much appreciated, thanks.:hugs:

I just love my sister and my nephew so much and do anything for them. I support my sister at school and any appointment David has. just love them both to bits.

Yvonne

[yvonne_uk_98]

Hi everyone,

My sister wanted you all to know that, there was no viewing, as his dad's body was badly decomposed. Her Son David only has the memory of his dad and when he seen him the last time.

Maria sends her appreciation of all your Kind words and advice , she says a VERY BIG THANK YOU! very very much appreciated, thanks.

Her decision was to allow David to see his dad if there was a viewing and found out today there was no viewing. Today was the funeral. as things turned out, I couldnt go. because of taking dizzy spells. I promised Maria I would pass on her message to everyone to say thank you very much.


Yvonne

[Magic]

My thoughts are with you Yvonne
Take care xx

[yvonne_uk_98]

My thoughts are with you Yvonne
Take care xx

Thank you Magic for your kind words, very much appreciated, thanks.


you too take care xx:hugs: