Unable to sleep with shame thoughts

[capricorn234]

Hi everyone, despite doing reasonably well lately, for some reason tonight some triggers have made me start ruminating about things from the past I am really ashamed of. I have written it all down to show my support worker on Monday and trying to tell myself it's my OCD head but thought I would also send a post as helps to type out.

I won't go into too many details but I went through a phase of having loads of flings because I was needy and lonely, behaved in ways I am not proud of. I am the total opposite now; however I met a guy last night, got on really well and at the moment just friends. I keep thinking though, if he knew about my past and mental health issues....would he just run for the hills. I know I am projecting but it is a real fear. The fear that I will be rejected again. Just helps to share get it out of my head maybe then I can sleep.

[Stormsky]

Everything, even a second ago, is now the past.... We all have a past with things we would rather forget... Its your past, leave it there... its not how you are now.. you said yourself you are the opposite now to what your were... Leave the past in the past, and concentrate on the new you... just go with the flow and enjoy your new friendship with this guy... dont try to sabotage it before its started...

[robinbrum]

You past is the past - leave it there. You don't have to tell this guy everything, a date is not a confessional. Let it build slowly. If the guy is anywhere decent and likes you for who you are then he won't hold your past against you. Same with your mental health issues - he'll see you for more than that. If not then he's not for you.
Good luck:)

[capricorn234]

Thankyou so much for your replies has meant a lot. Bit emotional this morning and tired of all this stuff going around and around in my head. I know we cannot change the past and yes it can sabotage if you let it. Going to sit tight and remember your words. Many many thanks to all the lovely people and caring people on this wonderful site:)

[suzy-sue]

Theres a saying . ".Dont judge me by my past ,I dont live there anymore " .

Youve changed and we all do things in our lives at some point we regret ..Dont look back ,its not who you are now ..T/c Sue :D

[capricorn234]

Big hugs to everybody:hugs:

[Horse]

I once wrote on here sometime ago, most of us are probably on this site because of our past!

Something that we have either done or something that has been done or happened to us is normally the result or root cause of our Anxiety in the first place.

Personally speaking, if I could undo my past, I would!
However, regardless of how our history comes back to haunt us, there is nothing we can do to change it.

One of the most crippling symptoms of Anxiety is regret and/or guilt!
I doubt if there is a single person on NMP who has done something they wish they hadn't or not done something they wished they had. I know that certainly applies to me.

What we have to realise is that when we come into this world, there is no handbook available (apart from the Bible) on how to live our life! Therefore, we live each day doing what we believe or think to be right at the time.

Because our mind prefers pleasure rather than pain, we are naturally tempted to experience things which we believe will benefit us either mentally or physically even though we know they are wrong!

I always think that the fact that we regret doing these things at least shows some remorse and teaches us that we were wrong. Sadly, the guilt feelings that follow are not quite as forgiving and can end up rulling our future if we are not careful!

I'm sure if you look back there are also times when you done things to make yourself proud!

Ironically, the mind of the Anxiety sufferer is like an old newspaper.......It only remembers the bad stuff!

You take care now.

Horse.

[sickandtired]

SO SO TRUE!!
ive had all those feelings lately...guilt ,remorse ,shame,anger.....such a longing for things to have been different....things i should have said or done,things i feel ive really been cheated out of......anger that nobody helped,that we suffered for so long....
but im still here and,ive got the opportunity to give so much to my family and more....and i have some lovely close friends
im so lucky that i have found someone who takes me for who i am,knows my innermost secrets and its even more amazing that we,ve now got 3 lovely children....
its hard but i think im doing a good job,considering what ive been through....and instead of reminding myself of the past i should be counting my blessings and looking to the future....
capricorn.......if anything does develop from this new friendship and you do happen to open up a bit about your past (which i did with my husband) im sure,if he,s worth knowing.....he will understand and embrace your honesty....this would ultimately give you that bond and strength you need for the future
everybody has something in their past,nobody's perfect....please dont let it hold you back :hugs:

---------- Post added at 12:13 ---------- Previous post was at 10:43 ----------

and i was very promiscuous too.....i know exactly how you feel,but dont let it spoil future chance of happiness x

[hallam11]

Hi,

Meeting someone and feeling like I have to tell them about myself which includes who I am now to what I've experienced is not a situation I am in at the minute. However it does worry me for the future so i know what you are feeling and how scary it is.
However when I start to think like that I just think to myself " so what? If he can't handle what i've been through and who I am then he's not the one and its not worth it."
Its the only way I make sense of it all. I think there are people out there who understand and who will take the good with the bad so for now I'll keep looking!

Take care xxx

[Vanilla Sky]

Who says this guy is going to judge you anyway ? I think because we judge ourselves we think everyone is going too also , but that is not the case xx

[capricorn234]

Thanks for all the helpful and kind replies I really appreciate it. It is true that we are our own worse enemy. I would never judge anyone the way I do myself. I spoke to my support worker today and also written lots down it has helped so much. It's just fear...I care so much about what people think, I know that is part of anxiety and the OCD, BDD issues that affect me. I am just going to try and go with the flow, keep busy and as positive as I can, it's the only way forward. We can't change our past only learn from it and try to accept that we are human and make mistakes, though it is easier said then done. Thankyou again everyone.