My story part one

[clear blue sky]

She had a really tight grip on my arm. I remember looking up at her scared, desperate face. She was obviously frightened to the core but the strength she found from somewhere was magnificent.
I was very very young but still remember thinking from the expression on her face 'to her she is fighting for her life'.

My house was so busy, looking around for a face I knew I began to feel very lost. I was Scared, I was confused. Who are all these people? And where are they taking my mum?
And she was gone. Her whaling voice screaming my name over and over again as she was lead outside, the army of strangers with her.

Quiet. I sat with my stepfather and cried myself to exhaustion.

That was the very first time I remember my mum being sectioned, Obviously at 9yr s old I never really understood what was going on but I do remember how sad and scared I felt.

Over my childhood growing up there were numerous occasions when I would have to stay with other relatives/friends of the family. I never really witnessed anything like that again though. I do now know the times in my life my mum wasn't there she had suffered mental breakdowns and had been admitted to hospital.
At 16/17 I began suffering with anxiety/depression. I was referred to a mental health team and received treatment and for two years I was very close to understanding what my mum had gone through. She was there supporting me of course, coming to appointments, lending advice, holding me when I had that overwhelming feeling of just wanting to be as close to her as humanly possible. When 'weird things' (normally people’s faces changing or my arm suddenly flying across the room, seeing people cry blood or washing my hair and suddenly feeling it was no longer there and that I was bald) began occurring I was then the one frightened to my very core.
I was never hospitalized though. I was a cliff hanger according to my therapist and mum has always said I'm a lot stronger than her. Now I know a great deal about mental health, I know it’s nothing to do with strength. I guess it’s just pot luck like with any other illness.

At 16/17 I battled through my depression and anxiety and won but I never realised it would be there, always.
If not obvious to the eye, it is found living in the deepest part of me.

[clear blue sky]

I could see the group of lads playing football in the field I was approaching. It was a hot sunny day and I had just left my group of friends and was heading home. As I got closer and closer I could feel myself trying to look sexier. The hips were moving more, I adjusted my cleavage and flicked my long brown hair back, I was walking with my head held high and scanning my eyes across each one of them. As a teenager seeing a group of topless lads seemed oh so exciting at the time.

As I got that little bit closer I heard one of them call out to me. "Hello, hello what’s your name?"
Suddenly I changed from feeling very confident and attractive to very nervous and ugly, I could feel my face filling with blood. Oh god I can’t go over and talk to them when I have a beetroot face!! I quickened my pace and tried to scurry past.

I could hear them shouting more "OI! OI! YOU, HELLO WHATS YOU’RE NAME???"

I'm being rude I should stop, I can blame the red face on sunburn. It’s a hot day, the sun is out. YEP its sunburn.
The closer I got the more self-conscious I became with every step. Oh dear what am I doing.

The one that had been calling was very attractive. Medium height, spiked brown hair and gorgeous bright blue eyes. His cheeky chappy smile very hard to miss.
"Hello" my voice sounded so wobbly and I was so aware of my chipped teeth being seen I was trying to talk with my mouth shut as not to flash them off.
I must have looked ridiculous. I soon discovered trying to talk with your mouth shut was near on impossible. They must have been waiting for me to reveal my puppet out of a back pocket ventriloquist style.
Could I humiliate myself anymore??
"Guess?" was my response and with that a group of half a dozen lads could be seen reciting an endless list of girl’s names.
When they finally discovered my name I was asked by Toby the cheeky chappy which one of them I liked. It was like I was a contestant on blind date only without the screen in the way.
I smiled at Toby a little more relaxed about the whole teeth thing. "You of course".
After exchanging numbers I turned to walk away tripped over my own flip-flop and face planted into the muddy ground.
Turns out I could humiliate myself just that little bit more.

That was it. That was the day I met the man I would be spending five years of my life with.
It was a passionate fiery relationship and I soon discovered Liam had not had the greatest start to life. He had been neglected by his mother at a young age. Locked in a bedroom for hours on end with no food or water. Made to steal clothes so she could look good and had witnessed his mum prostituting herself from their family home.
It was horrendous and all I ever wanted to do was give Toby my love. I felt as though I could make a difference. His comfort had been drugs though. He was a regular weed smoker and often did cocaine.

With my own mental health problems and Toby's disturbed past and current drug addiction you could say it surely was an obvious recipe for disaster. Nothing could ever prepare me though for what was yet to come.

[clear blue sky]

I could relate to Toby in some respects but not to such a severe extent.
My real father had left when I was two years old and this had caused me to become part of a step family. When my mum married her partner, I gained two step brothers. Both which abused me in different ways.

Every weekend they would stay and I was subsequently attacked.

Waking up in bed I could hear giggling outside my bedroom door, I knew what was about to happen and hid under my covers trying to protect myself.
My door flung open and I was getting bombed by wet soggy toilet paper being launched across my room.

"YEA, you little bitch have some of that!!" My brother had such an evil streak.
It was the summer months that were worse. Mum would get the paddling pool out and he would chase me around the garden with a wet towel hitting me across the back of my legs. It hurt a lot.
I think the worst memory was on our family summer holiday in Spain.
I was unable to swim and my brother knew that.
One evening he just picked me up and literally chucked me in the deep end of the pool. This was not in a playful way, the boy had real issues.
Consequently I nearly drowned.

I think a lot of these problems to some extent caused a huge amount of pressure on my mum’s marriage. She was always trying to protect me. My step dad was always trying to protect his son. Why? I’ll never know.
I do believe a lot of what happened caused mums breakdowns to some extent.

Anyway Now I was 17 and I had met Toby all I wanted to do was move out and create my own little home. I was desperate and eager to become independent. I loved my mum to bits but the excitement of having a little place of my own was so strong it was all I wanted.

[clear blue sky]

Liam (Toby nickname) and I were both very happy when we found our first little flat. I loved it. Everything was going well and I really enjoyed the housewife role. Loved all the cooking and cleaning and hosting dinner parties. I was still just 17 but felt 30.

Lying in bed one night it all went very wrong.

"Why don't you bother looking nice anymore?" Toby asked me.
"err WHAT?" I was really shocked when he said this and suddenly felt very very unattractive.
"Well you used to make a lot more of an effort and now you don't" He had a different tone to his voice that I hadn't heard before.
"What do you mean?" "What’s wrong with the way I look?"
"I just think you should wear more make-up" he replied.

That was it I was very very angry and showed my anger through sarcasm. I jumped out of bed found my make-up bag and started plastering my face in ridiculous amounts of make-up.
I was so hurt. Fighting back the tears I smothered my lips in bright red lipstick and suffocated my eyes in an array of random eye-shadow colours.
"Is this what you want??"
"Do I look pretty now??"

I looked at myself in the mirror and was just about to burst out laughing
at my reflecting clown face when Liam jumped out of bed, grabbed me around the waist and threw me across our bedroom floor. I landed onto a glass money bottle and it smashed underneath me. I guess that was the very moment my heart smashed to pieces.

Silent.
I was face down staring at the carpet and became aware of my fast heartbeat. My hands were shaking and I felt too scared to move. I didn't actually think I had the strength to even attempt to move. So I just stayed there.
Liam stared at me with hatred in his eyes before running away and locking himself in the bathroom.

He cried for over two hours and I suddenly lost all my anger and just felt for him. That was my fault, I shouldn't have gone that mad, I was acting crazy, no wonder he lost it.
All I wanted was to cuddle him. Yes I wanted to be close to the man who had just assaulted me. I just remember feeling so guilty.

When he eventually appeared from the bathroom he was filled with remorse and looked so sad.

"I’m so so sorry," "I should never ever have hurt you like that".

"You just made me so angry", "you really know how to push my buttons don’t you".

"I’m so sorry" I felt so much more guilt now I could see his face and how distraught he looked.

It was all forgotten and we were back on track. In my mind I knew what he did wasn't right but in my heart I could forgive him.
From that night it was never the same and any small argument seemed to end in me getting kicked or punched.

People who have never been in violent relationships will always ask that famous question "why do you put up with it?"

I guess my reply would be that he made me feel so low and so weak and small over time that he stripped all my confidence, and made me feel as if I needed him, just as much as I need air to survive.

My family and friends understandably hated Liam. I was always very protective of him.

The day he left me the first time was awful I was showing signs of depression and had some of my funny hallucinations back. I was under a lot of stress and it all got too much. After another regular fight ending in me being hit by a flying draw. I got in the shower and hid. It was the only time I really felt safe in that house as I knew there was a lock on the door.

Washing my hair I suddenly could hear the front door slam. I jumped out the shower and looked around for Liam, he was gone and seeing an empty wardrobe his clothes had to.

I was petrified, in the house on my own with the thought that he had just left. I could have easily drowned in my own strong emotions. With a cloudy head and racing heart I vaguely remember the next part.

It started with me opening the front door, and running after him down the road with nothing on!! Yep nothing.
If you are reading this and were one of my neighbours at that time I’d like to apologise now.
And that was that. I can’t remember much more but I know I was without Liam and absolutely devastated. And absolutely crazy for running up the road without my clothes on.
I was rescued by a cousin who collected me from the house and dropped me to my mum. Back to the therapist I went.

Liam soon came back and I soon accepted him back (I was obviously still crazy). We had given notice on the flat (or my mum had on behalf of my nutty self). So when we got back together it was for me to live at my mums, Liam lived with his Nan.

We went back to dating and it was fun and exciting, I got stronger and stronger and it was good again.

Problems occurred between my mum and me when I dropped out of college and we began arguing all the time I was a nightmare to her. I don't know why. Maybe I was letting out my frustration. It got bad and she finally asked me to leave the house. Mum had contacted my real dad and requested for me to move in with him.

That’s what happened, my dad’s sofa became my bed and I learned the hard way how bad I had been to my mum. I saw Liam as much as I could as well as working in a care home and seeing my friends time seemed to fly. I missed my mum so much, it hurt like hell. My dad never really new me so it was always awkward I felt like a lodger rather than his daughter.

Sure enough me and Liam began to have problems again, he left again and this time I had never felt so alone in all my life until I discovered I was pregnant

[Loubeelou]

Wow CBS, I am really enjoying reading these. You have a natural talent for writing hey?
I find it really theraputic to write too.

Look forward to the rest :D

[kate89]

mee too this is really interesting hun an you have a real talent at writing :) have you ever thought about writing a book?

[clear blue sky]

So I was now pregnant living on my dad’s sofa with no mum and no Liam.

I was scared, confused, alone and desperate. So what did I do??

I got dressed up, called my friends and went out clubbing. Just dancing seemed to ease the pain. For that night I put the fact that I was pregnant to the bottom of my soul and buried in with drink after drink after drink. Vodka, Malibu, brandy, shots you name it I had it. I spent the night chain smoking and just being 18 years old.

That is the biggest regret of my life how could I act in that way when I had a little new life inside me? It was and still is to this day very shameful. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for it.

By the end of the night I was so squiffed I couldn't see a thing. Walking through the town centre with friends I decided I needed to pee.
So up came the skirt and in front of everyone, I did my business.
To everyone else it was hilarious, but to me I am now so ashamed I did that. What a lout I was.
Jeremy Kyle would have had a field day with me. I can just hear him now.

"you did what?, you selfish selfish woman, you disgust me. Get off my stage!!"

The days that followed I didn't leave the house much and just felt so sad and numb. I knew I needed to tell Liam about the pregnancy.

I got myself on a bus and headed for his Nan’s house.
What if he doesn't believe me?? What if he doesn't want to know?? Oh god go home, just go home.
Only I didn't and the next thing I knew I was knocking on the front door.


"hello mate, sorry love he doesn't want to speak to you" I was greeted by his granddad.
"I am really sorry to bother you, but I really need to speak to him. It’s very important."
His granddad vanished and shut the porch door. I could hear him shout out to Liam. He reappeared shaking his head.
"I’m really sorry my sweet he just won’t come, maybe you should go home, I’m sure he will call soon".
"No. sorry I’m not doing that, can you just let him know I will be sat here until he comes to see me."

That was the moment I became some kind of freaky stalker woman.
I sat myself down on the kerb and I waited.
I waited some more.
I sat.
I waited longer.
I sat longer.
I could see the curtain twitching about the time It began to get dark.
Beeps beep beep. It was my phone. Message from Liam that read -
Go home, you mad bitch or I will call the police!
WHAT?? What a bloody cheek he has. He takes class A drugs and abuses women yet HE is going to call the police about ME?? NO NO NO!!!!! GGGGRRRR. god he made my blood boil!!

I was so angry I just replied "IM PREGNANT"

He then came storming out of the house calling me all the names under the sun. I was a liar (suspicions confirmed) and he didn't want to know (suspicions confirmed).
He walked back in and slammed the door before I had a chance to say anything.
I was left broken into pieces, I cried so much I could have filled the Amazon.
I just want my mum, I want my mum. I looked down at my mobile to ring her and saw that my battery had died. It had probably picked up on all the hurt I was feeling and had just crashed.
I made my way to the nearest phone box and found a few 5p's. It was just enough to get through to her.

"Mum???" I was sobbing like a baby; I'm surprised she could make out a word I was saying. "Mum??"

"YES? What is going on? Why are you not with your dad?"
"Mum please can I come home, please, I'm sorry, I love you, and I just want to come home. Pllllease??"
My mum sounded very harsh with her voice and without any emotion just replied "NO".
It was as simple as that "go back to your dads I am ringing him now"
She hung up the phone.

I had no more money left to ring anyone else; I had no strength left either. I felt emotionally exhausted and looking out the phone box was fixed on the fast cars driving by. I have to end it. I could run out in front of anyone of those cars and I’ll be gone. I won’t have to live with this pain anymore. It will be over.

I left the phone box and got closer and closer to the road. The sounds of the cars whizzing by getting louder and louder. Could I really do this? I have to there is no other way out.
I was eyeing up the cars looking to pick which one would end my life. It suddenly dawned on me that this was not only going to affect my family and friends but it would affect the driver. Even if I did just run out, I wouldn't want that on anyone's conscious. They are all the innocents.
Then I thought about the conversation I had had with Liam his harsh comment running
Over and over in my head. The conversation with mum and her one word answer in the search of my peace NO NO NO NO, You Mental bitch, You liar, Ring your dad, No NO. I want nothing to do with a baby especially with a fat cow like you, you liar!!!!!!

A baby?? I stopped myself from stepping into the road. It was like I had forgotten I was pregnant.
I can’t do this, I'm pregnant, and I’m going to be a mum. I suddenly felt full of strength. I walked to the nearest garage and asked to use the phone. I must have looked very very distressed as the lady came from around the counter made me sit down; I explained what had happened as much As I could.
I was very open for a suicidal person.

Just to mention people there are some VERY VERY kind people out there. The lady gave me five things that night.

1. A cup of tea
2. Use of her phone
3. A sticky bun
4. A great big hug
5. And restored my trust in the love of mankind.
She also told me to ring the person who would always be there. So I called my best friend who picked me up and took me to her house. That is where I ended up living for a time.
My head hit the pillow that night and I rubbed my pregnant tummy.

"I think you saved my life I whispered".

[clear blue sky]

Thank you both very much. I really appreciate your comments. It is very therapeutic. I have been wanting for years to let this all out. Somehow If I let It all out I think I will finally be able to move on. I'm glad It is also a good read in your opinions. That is great to hear because I have always wanted to publish a book or two :) :) :) :).

Thank you again. I'm hoping to post a bit more every day .

xxxxxxxxxxx

[lizzie29]

I was going to say the same! So sorry to hear the horrible times you've gone through, but you really are very good at writing. If you've always wanted to write a book, then go for it!

[clear blue sky]

I was living at my friend’s house. Everything was so much clearer. It was as If someone had just switched the light on.
I was determined to feel better for the sake of my baby.

I realised how much stress and heartache Liam had brought me over the 2 years and was sure that was the end of us.
I went shopping and brought a cute little baby set with a hat. The material was so soft and when I got home that night, I spent a great deal of time just gazing at it, smiling.

I was thinking back on all the times I had felt safe and comforted In my life. These Times always involved my wonderful grandparents who I was very close to.
As a single mum for a time my mum had gone back to work to financially support us and I was left in the care of my grandparents.
What magical times we had. They were the perfect pair, giving me so many beautiful memories.

Granddad was always in the garden. He could turn the most over grown, run down lawn into a paradise. It was so neat and with all the colourful flowers everywhere It was the most peaceful place for me to paint.
Nan would set me up at a table in the summer days and I would paint for hours.
It was a meeting place for all the family on Sunday. The young cousins would play while our parents sat and chatted. We had fresh lemonade as we sat on the garden swing and soaked up the sun.
The smells were supreme. That lemonade filled your nose with a zesty breeze. It smelt so fresh and alive. The red tomatoes gave the sweetest blast when we skipped passed the greenhouse.
The flowers with their own unique aromas were a powerful scent that seemed to dance around in the air.
Not forgetting the smells of Nan’s roast lamb that made your tummy churn with delight!

She was an amazing cook. I remember the times I would help her prepare a cottage pie. Putting the meat through a mincer. She would often bake with me to. And yes I always got to lick the spoon.

I have no doubt that is where I got my love of cooking from.

Granddad was also very keen for a laugh. He loved a drink and good knees up. Mum told me that on holiday once when she was in her late 20's she was going out clubbing with her friend. Granddad insisted on tagging along and danced the night away. He ended up attracting a lot of young beautiful women who felt he was the life and soul.
Nan was always his one love though.

She was a warm, kind hearted funny lady with an infectious laugh. She was so homely you always felt so safe with her.
She loved a bit of acting and was on stage in productions a numerous amount of times and was a superb actress.
I remember at Halloween once she brought herself a hideous mask and when the doorbell began ringing, each time she would open it, letting out a shriek and frightening all the kids away.

For a laugh she put a ladder up to the side of their house when granddad was going to have a bath. She climbed up the ladder to the bathroom window and hosed him down with freezing cold water. The silly woman got so wrapped up in the moment she forgot she was on a ladder and started to run away from a not so happy granddad.
She ran off the ladder and broke a leg!!!!!

And they were my darling grandparents.

I was devastated when my granddad passed away. It was just before I met Liam.

Here is the poem I wrote and read out at his funeral.

There once was a man who walked this earth,
He gave so much joy from the day of his birth.
His heart and soul a shining gold,
Through hard times he would stand so bold.

He loved a drink and he would always sing,
His prized garden being his favourite thing .

Standing in the summers breeze,
surrounded by his colourful pansies.
This man was the root of such a beautiful tree,
For him and his wife made a family.

A family that is forever growing,
And for this I know we all must owe him.

I held his hand, still so strong,
This one moment I try to prolong.
As he slipped away into a peaceful sleep,
I think of this man and begin to weep.

I love you, is all I say.
I let go of his hand, I walk away.
In my heart I feel a glow,
Telling me not to be so low.
For this man lives on.
Apart of him lives in me,
And all the members of our family tree.

The rest of him lives amongst his flowers,
Beneath the hot Sun he will stand for hours.
Watering his plants, watching them grow,
Reds,purples,blue's and some yellow.

I am so thankful to have known such a man,
A good man,
Never bad.
For you are the world’s greatest granddad.


As I snuggled down into bed that night I felt the best I had in ages. My babies little outfit hanging up on the door.

Drifting into a sleep I saw my granddad standing there in a bed of flowers.
I could just make out his smiling face through the clouds of my dream.
The clouds cleared by rays of powerful sunlight and I could see him clearer and clearer. That silly farmer’s hat he always wore made me smile.
I tried to talk to him, but my words wouldn't come out.
It was a few moments later when I realised he was holding something.
What is that?? I looked closer and his smile beamed even more.
He was holding a pink blanket. He was holding a baby.

It was all gone and I woke, it was morning. I felt warm inside. I stretched and looked at the time. I Then realised I was bleeding. A lot. Horror filled me.
I was taken to hospital by my friend. Liam did appear to.

I lost my baby at 11 weeks pregnant. It seemed unfair that she should save my life never to start hers.

[kate89]

its a shame that you went/are going through such a bad time but its amazing how you've opened up and put it into words:) an i think you would do really well if you looked into publishing all the best with it and i look forward to reading the rest x

[clear blue sky]

I had to tell my family about the miscarriage, Mum reappeared and showed her support but when I informed her of the dream I had had a few nights before she looked pale and suddenly went very very quiet.

"What is it mum?", "what's wrong?".
"Nothing love, don't worry".

I wanted to squeeze whatever she was thinking out of her mouth as it seemed to be eating her up for the rest of that day.
"Mum, tell me what's on your mind?"

"Tell me exactly how your dream went again" she responded.

We sat down drinking tea, and I relived my dream and explained it to her.
When I had finished she went quiet for a few more moments.
"I went to see Nan this morning."

"oh, OK , well how is she? She is all right isn't she?"
My mum quickly reassured me after seeing the panic flush across my face.

"yes love of course she is, It’s just she also had a dream the same night as you .which she told me about this morning and it is exactly the same as the one that you had."
"With granddad, holding a pink blanket with a baby wrapped in his arms." I was intrigued.

"Yes love. It was exactly the same story".

I guess a lot of people would put that down to coincidence but I couldn't see it that way. How could me and my nan have the same dream about my granddad who had passed, holding a baby girl the night before the morning of my miscarriage ???
From that moment on I knew something special existed within our family. I was to find out a great deal more about this as time went on.




I know exactly what you will think when I tell you the next bit. How could
you do it?
Truth Is I felt after suffering the miscarriage That In some way I would feel closer to the baby I had lost if I accepted Liam’s offer.

This was to get back together again and this time he asked me to marry him.

It wasn't the most romantic of proposals we were sat in a pub and he just lent across the table and asked me. He informed me he thought it would be best If I chose my own ring.
I was over joyed at the thought of getting married and I still loved Liam with all my heart so I accepted.
I may of lost my baby but I had my man back and my mum, when she finally asked me to move back home.

Life just plodded along as normal for a couple of years, Liam moved In with me and my family and we saved for a deposit on a new house to rent.
We moved in to our two bedrooms flat when I was 20. He was 25.
The arguments were plenty and it was as if we had gone back in time to the early days when we had our first place.
I began to lose confidence in myself again. I put on over 4 stone in a short space of time. I felt so big and ugly.
Liam would have his mates over taking drugs in my front room and I would just fade into the background.
I worked shift work as a care assistant in a care home and would be travelling around on buses most days.
I would often stare out the window of the bus and watch the people outside.
Everyone else seemed a lot happier than me. Everyone else seemed prettier than me, more successful, slimmer, and more alive.
I was miserable but I did nothing about it.

I did love Liam and he was a charmer. I didn't see my friends much as no one really liked Liam after all he had done to me.
People just seemed to stay away. I just worked, and ate.
Never got much sleep.

It was the day I bumped into an old friend in a supermarket when things began to change again.
I bumped Into Jessica while doing my usual weekly shop.
Jessica was such a stunning looking woman. She was always well dressed, In the latest fashions. Her bouncy blonde locks and dazzling green eyes would make any man stop and stare.
I had met Jessica when I was 14. Her brother Mark had been my first love. I remember the very first time I met her, I was so nervous.

Sat On Marks bed she came bursting into the room full of life, she sat straight down on Marks computer and swung around in the swivel chair and looked at me.
I was like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I felt slightly intimidated by her big personality.
"You alrite?" she boomed. But before I could even answer Mark and Jessica began arguing
It was one of those moments when you just want to vanish. I felt very awkward.
After words were exchanged she flew out the room and shut the door and she was gone.
Jessica was 19 at the Time and I think her being five years older than me just added to my worry.
My initial thoughts of Jess where "Oh my god, she is one scary girl", "beautiful but scary."

As time went by I got to know Jess really well. I would go to their home to see Mark and would end up In Jessica's room.
There was always something mad going on in her life and everything seemed so exciting when you were around her.
Jess spent much time styling my hair and perfecting my make-up. I would often get to wear her clothes and try out some of her HUGE heals.
I looked up to Her In a way and she became my older sister.

As time went on my first love relationship had its problems and at 15 I started going out clubbing with Jess. She was a real party girl and loved to dance. We had the craziest of times and random nights.
Break-dancing on the floor of a night club with everyone gathered around chanting "go! Go! Go!"
We were often a duo that became centre of attention. I always knew it was down to Jess and her attracting looks and bubbly personality. She really knew how to do "cool”. Jess also had a very scary streak she would fight battles and win. I met her other friends all different in their own way, all very unique who told me stories of Jess launching full grown men across the room. She wasn't afraid of anyone and she wasn't afraid to burst out and protect the people she loved in any confrontation.


The funniest night for me was when Jess wanted to impress an ex of hers. She came up with this idea of pretending to have her own successful business.
On this particular occasion Jess dressed up in a neat white suit and I was given a black suit to put on. We acted out our roles of Jess as a business woman and me as her P.A.

Jess had always dated older men and this particular guy ran a posh restaurant a few miles from home.
We drove there in our suits perfecting our lines the aim of the game being to show off how successful and intelligent we were. I could see how nervous she seemed. I remember thinking she must really like this guy.

Rocking up at the restaurant we must have looked like a right pair. It didn't start off too well when we couldn't find the entrance to the restaurant.

"Errrrrr mate where is the front door???" Jess looked at me puzzled.
"Um", I shrugged my shoulders. "I have no idea".
We walked around the whole building until we reached the back. To my absolute horror the back of the restaurant was a conservatory. This conservatory was packed with what looked like a co-operate event. Everyone smartly dressed in their suits, briefcases at their side, tucking in to top Michelin star food.

"Oh dear", I looked at Jess a little red faced as I could feel the entire room staring at dumb and dumber through the glass doors.

Jess looked at me laughing. "Quick come around this way mate", She gestured for me to follow.
We eventually found the door to the restaurant and was greeted and seated by a nice looking waiter.

After we composed our self’s Jess ordered the most expensive bottle of Champaign.
As the waiter brought the bottle to the table, I didn't quite understand the fact that we were supposed to gaze at it and test it so I leant forward to grab the bottle out of the waiter’s hands. He looked horrified and left our table. Jess giggled at me before gazing around the room for this man of hers.
We started our role play when we were aware we had surrounding company, getting our paper work out onto the table and discussing our plans. Wink wink.
It wasn't long before the waiter returned just as I lit up a cigarette.

I was looking at the menu trying to find something that was under £40.
Jess startled me "Claire, Claire, your cigarette!!!” she pointed to my smoking ciggy.
I looked at my cigarette, it was completely alight in flames, it burned down within a few seconds and the ash flopped down onto the table I was left with the butt in my mouth. My entire cigarette had been cremated. I had lit it the wrong way.
The waiter just smiled. "What Can I get you ladies?”

Attention turned on Jess as I swept my ash off the table.
"I’ll have a bowl of mushrooms please" Jess smiled up at the waiter.
I looked across at her looking confused. Mushrooms?!!??
The waiter coughed out a laugh and replied. "We don't do that I'm afraid madam."
Jess pointed to the menu, tapping a certain spot. "Yes you do. It says it here".
The waiter looked closer at the menu.
"That says mussels madam not mushrooms".

It got worse when Jess informed me that her ex would be out soon and he always liked to shake hands with people when he first met someone.
As he approached our table I felt a little nervous and I didn't want to let Jess down.
"This is Steve. Steve this is Claire my PA." Jess introduced us.
They chatted between them for a while and then Steve lent across me. I grabbed his hand and shook it firmly. He glared at me a little confused as he was only leaning across to put a napkin over my lap. He walked away shaking his big head.
The waiter brought out Jess's bowl of mussels. “Here are your mussels, Steve wanted to know if you actually know how to eat them?".
It was a snide remark and we were obviously being mocked. So we gave up, downed our bottle of champagne, got drunk and became us again. Leaving the restaurant laughing our socks off! What a night that was, one I’ll never forget.


It was those nights we would lay on her bed though, having our deep 'putting the world to rights conversations' that made me see the other side of her.
She had coped with a great deal in her life and had been through some harsh times. I soon discovered she wasn't as confident as she seemed and her kind, caring heart always shone through on these nights.
We got on incredibly well and developed a real understanding of each other.

When I had difficult times she would come and pick me up, Run me a hot bath, help me to unwind and give me all the care in the world. She was full of love towards me and I really loved her.

When Mark and I broke up I soon met Liam. Mark found it really hard that we had split and he was hurting especially when he knew I was with Liam.
Jess was in a very awkward position but understandably wanted to be there for her brother. So sure enough I and Jess stopped contact.
And now I was face to face with her in the supermarket she looked as beautiful as ever and I noticed her tummy. She was 6months pregnant.

"Hi you", Jess looked at me and gave me such a big hug.
I felt really self-conscious about the way I looked in my scruffy joggers and baggy jumper.

She looked as stunning as ever, I glanced down to see her 6month pregnant tummy.
I had heard that she was pregnant but it was strange to see. I suddenly felt really old and I was only 20.
We had a brief chat and moved on. But it was the start of us relighting our friendship.
I began visiting Jess In her new home and it was so nice to have her back in my life.

Jess wasn't my only friend. I had others. I guess I never really had a huge amount of friends but the ones I did have were the very very best. They are the type of friends you keep for life. The ones that would always be there no matter what. The type of friends that you could rely on and the type of friends who knew me inside out. Sometimes more than I knew myself.

Sarah was my very first and my soul mate. We had met when I was just four years old.
Living In the same street we became an inseparable pair. Two peas in a pod.
Sarah was a bit of a tomboy and loved being outdoors. We spent our childhood running around that street getting up to all sorts. She had a natural beauty and such a lovely smile that would show off her sweet dimples. Her light brown hair always blowing around her face.
We went to the same primary school, were in the same classes, and had the same teachers. Even used to buy the same shoes in the summer holidays when we would be out shopping with our mums for the new term. We didn't often shop together so the shoe thing was incredible really. Honestly, at the start of each year we would meet at hers to walk across the road to the school, within a few minutes notice we had done it again. Snap. Same shoes again.
After school we would either run to my home pestering my mum "can Sarah stay for tea please?” or pestering hers. “Can Claire stay for tea please?” We were so content with each other. We didn't need anybody else. We were so close

Teachers would muddle are names often getting us confused. We were like twins.
So when a new girl Becky joined our school in year five I was not very happy about the amount of times I would find Sarah talking to Becky. I was riddled with jealousy and spent my time taking the mick out of Becky. I'm sorry Becks.
Becky was a quiet girl. Very very shy and reserved. She never really spoke much and dressed strangely.
I remember laughing at her 'Michael Jackson' style shoes with her white socks pulled up to her knees.
Like all my friends though she was also very beautiful. Her clear skin so fresh. She had the face of a model but it was hidden under her small round glasses and masked by her shy personality. She was the perfect candidate for me to attack.
I wasn't a horrible person I was just so overwhelmed with jealousy when Sarah spent more and more time with her. I could see how well they got on and I felt really left out and abandoned by Sarah.
It wasn't long though before I got to know Becky and discovered she wasn't as shy as she had seemed. She was, as I said very strange but in a funny way. She made me laugh and soon saw what a fantastic friend Sarah had found.
The two little peas in a pod became a delightful Trio.

Sarah and Becky were the greatest friends ever and whoever said that three was a crowd was wrong. We worked really well together. I was the girly girl and a little bit dizzy at times. Sarah was the loyal tomboy who would have done anything for her friends and Becky was the strange girl, very intelligent but very funny. She actually turned out to be rather bossy to. And Sarah have always loved her for it though.

We spent most of our time as kids together and at the end of primary school were really upset when Becky went to a different school to Sarah and myself.
Sarah and I ended up yet again in the same classes, in the same groups and yes even still accidentally buying the same shoes. We still saw Becky all the time. Becky had gone to an all-girls school. She met new friends and Sarah and I became the jealous ones.

It didn't affect our friendship though we were a tight little group and on leaving school and college Becky moved to a different city to go to university. Still our friendship remained the same.

All of these girls are my strength. They are the girls that have picked me up so many times. They are the girls that have given me so many memories and made me laugh until I cry. They are the girls who have been there throughout my life and eased the pain of difficult times.
They are the greatest of friends.

To Jess Becky and Sarah,

I love you all more than you will ever know. If friends were flowers I would pick you three every single time. Thank you for all you have done and all you are.

all my love
Claire
xxxxxxxxxxx

[clear blue sky]

Thanks kate. Thats really great to hear. I would love to publish a book but have always thought Its a bit of a far fetched dream and I have no Idea where I would start??.
At the moment It just feels good to let all these memories go!! I hope you keep reading and I hope in some way my story can inspire you xx

[clear blue sky]

I was so glad to have Jess back in my life and spending time with her made me remember the times when I felt so confident In myself.
Jess had changed in herself a lot. She was not such of a wild child since giving birth to her baby girl Elice.
Jess had set up home with her first love and her new baby. Sarah had moved in with them as a lodger. I started to leave Liam at home and visit Jess and Sarah. My confidence began to grow again and jess's crazy side would make an appearance and we would sit and have a good laugh together.

After a few months I think Liam noticed the change In me and I'm not sure he liked it. Liam liked me best when I was down and low so he could walk all over me.
A room came up to live with Jess her partner Dave baby Elice and Sarah.
We all thought It would be a great Idea for Liam and myself to move in so we did.
Before long Sarah's boyfriend also Dave moved In.
The house turned into big brother and became very full.

There was Jess and Dave, Sarah and Dave, Liam and me, Baby Elice. two of my kittens, a tank full of fish and two birds.
It was cool at first and we had some good times. Liam never touched me when we lived there I think he was aware that Jess would of gone crazy!!
It was like a great big student house full of never ending excitement.
Don't get me wrong there were times when the mood of the house didn't bounce with joy, especially when Jess and myself had money go missing.

That was when things went drastically wrong!!

We new money had been taken and everyone was left feeling on edge.
We started to not trust anyone and I found myself feeling quite isolated again.
I felt guilty as if it was me and yet I felt suspicious of everyone else.

It was new years eve 2008 when we were going to be hosting a party. I was now 21.
I went to collect the money I had put on the kitchen side to go and get some more shopping for the party.
It wasn't there, I was 100% sure where I had left my £70.
I looked around the kitchen Jess and Sarah helping. Liam and Sarah's Dave were at work. Baby Elice at her nan's.It was just us girls and Jess's Dave in.

Hunting around everyone was claiming they hadn't seen It. In my heart I knew Jess and Sarah wouldn't do that to me but then I couldn't think of anyone In the house who would of done that. I was upset so went to visit my nan.

This was the very first time I witnessed my nan as a real psychic. What happened that night was purely unbelievable and just cant be explained.

[yvonne_uk_98]

Hi Clear blue Sky,

Thank you for sharing, so sorry you have went through such a rough time, and there are good times in your life story. I look forward to reading more. you are a good writer. maybe one day you will publish it. Yes it really does help to finally get your story out there and tell people about it, plus really does helps us move on in our lives.

this really does help. Once I work through my life story and put it away for closure, I will publish mine too. :hugs:

At present I have written my book, just working through it right now. and will finally get it published.


Yvonne

[clear blue sky]

Thank you. I really really appreciate your kind words. Wow that's amazing that you have written a book. I really agree that Its a great way to put the lid on the past and move on to the future. :). Let me know when you publish would love to read it. thanks again x

[yvonne_uk_98]

Thank you. I really really appreciate your kind words. Wow that's amazing that you have written a book. I really agree that Its a great way to put the lid on the past and move on to the future. :). Let me know when you publish would love to read it. thanks again x

Clear Blue Sky,

Your very welcome. Yes I will let you know. hopefully this year. :)

cant wait to hear the next part of your story.

Yvonne

[clear blue sky]

I buzzed my nan's door and from the moment I walked in I felt a lot calmer. I gazed around at the family pictures and spotted my one of granddad. In my mind I said a little hello. I still got a lump In my throat the moment I thought about him.

"would you like a cup of tea love?"
"yes please nan".

I watched nan making the tea In the kitchen. I noticed she was looking older. Still a beautiful woman but older. Her shaky hands delivered me the tea, of course with a few yummy biscuits. Nan always got It going on.

"So what's up now love?" Nan let out that famous infectious chuckle and I couldn't help but smile.
I opened my mouth and out came the story of the missing money.

"Who lives In that house now with you Claire?"

"There is Jess, Sarah, Dave, Liam and another Dave."

"Its Dave" nan blurted out. I let out a chuckle.

"There are two Dave's nan, which one?" I felt mad for asking her as if she would know!! what on earth was I doing? but somehow I knew deep inside that she had the answers.

"Its Jess's Dave love. He took your money. That is not the only thing he has been doing. He is in a lot of debt and has been stealing for ages. He has been taking money from work." I lent in closer to nan so I didn't miss a word, this was exciting!

"does he drive a white van Claire?"
"no he doesn't have a license, he doesn't drive". At this point I thought my nan had gone a bit bonkers. I felt bad for expecting her to know the answers. This was crazy.

"You have your money anyway"
"No I don't nan, I never found It"
"yes love, he has just found it."

I was really confused. Nan pointed at my phone just before It rang and told me to act surprised and be very grateful.
I felt like my head was going to explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then my phone rang It was jess's fella Dave.

"hi claire. Panic over, I just found your money".
Nan was mouthing at me to sound over joyed and be really thankful.
"Oh wow!, thanks Dave that's great, I will be home soon."
"where did you find It?"
"under a rug". I had to hold my nose as not to crack up laughing. Under the rug?? for a start we had looked there and does he really believe I'm thick enough to think that a rug just flew up into the air and a wad of cash walked under it??. This wasn't Aladdin's cave, we were not filming a Disney movie.

I hung up my mobile and nan smiled at me. "he has been at this for ages".
"shall I tell the others what you have said nan?"
"You wont need to love, they will come to you when you get back".

I left my nan's feeling better but still confused and a little scared. How on earth did she know that? how on earth did she know I was getting that phone call??
I brought myself back down to reality by thinking well she cant be psychic, she thought he drove a white van and he doesn't.

When I arrived back to the big brother house It was Jess who came straight up to me.
We went outside and she asked me what My nan had said.
"I cant say anything mate, thing is Its not a fact, I cant prove anything."

"She said Its my Dave didn't she?"
"mate I don't want to say, you cant take something someone has said as the truth unless Its a fact".
"well I know Its Dave". "under a carpet?? come on Claire he is so guilty".

A few weeks later Jess came home and told us all how she found out Dave had been stealing money from everyone. He had been taking all our rent money and hadn't paid it to the estate agent.The estate agents had been In contact and were not happy. We were In trouble.
It came out that Dave's job, working for his step-dad, had enabled him to pinch money from his parents account. He also drove a white van often, illegally .

my god my nan had been spot on!!

---------- Post added at 16:56 ---------- Previous post was at 15:55 ----------

Obviously We all had to then leave the house. Liam and myself moved back home with My mum, step-dad and younger half sister Sammy.
I really had led a gypsy life moving from home to home. My step-dad Kev always referred to me as a bouncing boomerang always coming back home.
Things settled down again and all seemed to be going OK until the night I was In bed playing with Liam's phone. We had got into a game of squares and as he passed over the phone for me to take my go a text message flashed up from a girl. I didn't open the message but I could see what It said.

"are you still up gorgeous??xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

This message had been sent at just gone midnight. My heart began to race and I felt myself getting very anxious. I could of quite easily vomited.

"who Is that?" I asked.

now first I got the story of "I don't know"
that changed to "Its a friend but I don't speak to her, ever."
It then changed again to "yes ok Its a girl I have been speaking to lately, She is really obsessed with me But I have told her I'm with you and I'm not interested." god he was like a dripping tap giving out tiny pieces of information.

"Right are you sure that's all??? you don't need to tell me anything else??".
Liam cried. He seemed so good at turning on the water works when It suited.

"There is nothing more to tell Claire, I promise you."

so I figured rather than feeling all this pain all over again I would trust what he said and ignore it. I couldn't help myself but email the girl telling her to back off.
Why do us girls always attack the other girls involved and not our men??.

Anyway what a delight this girl was she responded In a very threatening way, informing me of how Liam had been to her house and how he had been ringing her everyday telling her how much he wanted to sleep with her. The girl was Vile. Common as muck, her language disgusting, what a great big trollop. I glared at Liam before running out of his nans house on her 60th birthday and driving like a complete maniac to my mums. I had my foot down on that pedal and I was In a rage. I felt so emotional just like the day he had left me pregnant sat outside on a kerb. How many times will this man break my heart??.
I arrived at Mums a complete mess, The pain I felt was so overwhelming, I struggled to breathe as I tried to tell her what had happened. Mum went to put her arm around me and the strangest thing happened. We felt a huge force. You know when you touch something like the car door or a piece of clothing and get a little shock? It was like that but X100. I was like a human pylon. The sound was deafening as mum placed her hands over my back you could hear the electricity coming from my body. just pure crazy stuff.

I was so upset but still I forgave him. He came over to talk. I told him how everyone else new we were wrong together, how He had put me through so much and how despite everything there was a tiny tiny piece of me that still couldn't give up. I explained how This would be his last ever chance and how I was taking a huge gamble and how hard It was to trust him now.
Liam talked me to the sky's that night and I got a glimpse of the man that was good. He proclaimed how much he loved me, how I had helped him over come his past. How much he wanted to marry me and have kids. I have no doubt In my mind that he loved me. I know he always did. It may sound mad considering what he had done but he loved me In the only way he knew how. It wasn't real true love but It did exist.

As far as I was concerned It was for a fresh start and we would be moving forward.

That night I had a dream that he left me for another girl. Not surprising considering the days events but after he had expressed his undying love I knew that wouldn't happen. I was still very upset about the dream and told Jess all about it over coffee. Liam and I were due to go to spain the two of us for a holiday, It was all booked up and just a week away. I went to pay a visit to nan a few days before I was due to leave.
Mum tagged along and we had a good natter. Mum mentioned Liams name and nan clammed up.
"whats wrong nan?"
"Liam is going to leave you love, I can see him packing his bags."

I obviously didn't like what nan said and replied shortly with "well of course you will see him packing his bags, we are going to Spain nan."

"No love he is gone this time."

I ignored what my nan had said and went home.

---------- Post added at 17:56 ---------- Previous post was at 16:56 ----------

A couple of days after that it happened. I picked Liam up from work as usual and on the drive home I noticed he was a lot more quieter than usual.
As we pulled up to mums drive Liam stopped me from getting out of the car. "Wait a minute,there is something I need to say".
He looked very pale and drained as he turned to me. "Im really sorry Claire, I don't love you anymore."
what on earth??? It was only a few days ago he had expressed how much he loved me!!?? He had made me give him another chance. What is going on? We have a holiday to go to in a couple of days.
"Liam?" I stared at him while he blurted out how he felt and at the end of the day he just didn't love me.
Can you believe the cheek he had ?? I will never forget these words.
"Im so sorry Claire but we can still go on holiday together and see how things go, but at the end of it I probably still wont love you."

What a nasty nasty guy. He ripped my heart out and spat all over it. As he packed his bags like nan had predicted I sat in front of the bedroom door with my arms out blocking him in. Yes I was still clinging on to a guy, who you can quite clearly see wasn't very good for me.

I think I really knew this time it really was the end and I fought to my very last bone to keep him. As he left the house I chased him up the road (this time with clothes on) begging him not to leave me. I was filled with desperation I would of clung on to his leg until the day I died I was that broken hearted. As he got on that bus and It pulled away I felt like he had taken my soul with him.
There I stood at the end of the road and as I watched through my tears that bus get further and further away I knew I was saying goodbye to my whole life as I knew it.

---------- Post added at 18:30 ---------- Previous post was at 17:56 ----------

Change Is a very hard thing to except and change can bring feelings of not quite being in control. Its a scary place is change and we go back to the fear of the unknown. We are removed from our comfort zone, pulled away from what we know and left to either sink or swim.

I sunk. I mean I really sunk. I sunk to the very bottom of the lowest hole you could imagine. One that just got lower and lower and didn't EVER seem to end. I was falling, screaming out and I couldn't see a way out.

My whole world had changed. I had no feelings left any more. I created my own arm bands with booze and night clubs. I never really felt a thing. I chucked myself at any man who showed any interest and thrived on the attention when My weight shot right down. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I was grieving and It sent me crazy. I was living off this mad energy that made me feel really high. My behaviour was out of character as I added a few more men to my "how many" list. I formed a huge crush on a guy who was just as crazy as me and together we played a love game. He kept me on a string And I loved it because while he was on my mind Liam and reality wasn't.

I was referred to a therapist again as my GP expected I was Bipolar. I had an assessment for this and they concluded that I wasn't. I was given leaflets on the A A meetings and told to watch my drinking intake.
Work were always involved and my managers had wind of my drinking. It was a little out of control I admit.

My manager was the aunty of the love game guy who had made me fall head over heels for him. The sad thing was he also took me for a ride and embarrassed me at his aunts wedding when he spent the night drooling over another work colleague and not me. He was a real player and I just had enough of men.

Fuelled with anger I hated men with a passion. My dad had left, My step brothers had abused me, Liam had broke my soul and now I was humiliated by yet another man.

I was angry and I was on a mission.

[hallam11]

Wow is all I can say! I have been absorbed reading your story for the past hour!
You have been through an enormous amount and I know that feeling of sinking lower and lower and it seeming to never end! That's a very hard thing to deal with!
Your story is very compelling and you've helped me quite a bit - I don't know how because you're story isn't similar to mine but it took my mind off my own stuff for a while if that makes sense?
Writing down your issues, past and story can really help.
Soldier on Claire! xxx

[clear blue sky]

Hi hallam11,

wow is all I can say back. The comments I have had just keep encouraging me on to keep writing. I'm really happy with the feedback and It is helping me to feel better about everything.

It does make sense what you have said, I am really so glad because that was the other aim.
If I can help someone to feel better for just a few minutes by distracting their thoughts to my story then that is a massive achievement and just adds to me feeling better also.

I'm sorry you are not having such a good time and have had to have suffered with that lower and lower feeling. Life can be difficult at times and I guess we show our strengh through battling through things. We will always get there :).

I hope you keep reading and I will keep writing.

Thank you a million times
xxxx

[ZD]

Wow cbs i started reading and half way through i thought she could write a book not one book lots of them , your an amazing person to be able to write what you have been through tells me you are one strong lady ,you are inspiring and could help others you should be proud of your self what you have been through and to write it all i m overwhelmed i m so proud of the courage and strenth you have shown you make me want to cry.
lodsa love for you hunny
zoe xxx

[clear blue sky]

well Zoe you just made my eyes fill up, that means so much I cant even find the words to describe it. A little cheesy I know haha sorry about that, all I can say is thank you thank you thank you. xxxx

---------- Post added at 20:33 ---------- Previous post was at 18:06 ----------

The trouble was, I couldn't understand what mission I was on. I knew I was fed up of men at the time and I felt like I needed to get some kind of revenge.
Again this was out of character for me. I have been told by a great deal of people that I have the kindest caring nature so I guess seeking revenge and wanting to get back at men In a cruel heartless way wasn't really my style.

However I was willing to give It a go. I wanted to take all that hurt that was deep in me, let It out, so I could at least began to feel again and then launch It back at a candidate of the male species.

I knew exactly who would have some idea as to what I could do and Jess was more than happy to give her advice.

This was the day my Little red book would be created.

It was a book designed to basically rate men. The book would rate them on

their looks, personality, their job,car, sense of humour,enthusiasm,shoe size. Actually I don't know why I bothered listing these things, cause in fact I just rated EVERY single thing about them. I had gone a bit loony again so I can see how this sounds crazy but at that time It made me feel so good. I realised how shallow this was but I felt in control, like I had the upper hand and It was so rewarding to see numbers down In my book.

Jacks eyes=2/10
Bens bum= 1/10
Gary's car = 0/10
Adams eyebrows= minus a thousand/10

It made me see men as just a statistic and gave me some power.
Jess and I also came up with an idea of doing 7 dates in 7days. This turned out to be so funny. I got my 7 men and acted like a complete cow winding them all up. I even left one guy standing at a bus stop, me and Jess drove past soaking him with the huge puddle as we drove through it laughing at him.

It was funny, It really was and I began to feel as high as a kite. The thing was though there were glimpses in the day when I would feel a huge pang of sadness, I would drift off In my mind to old places. The day I met Liam, the car journey to mums, that moment I watched that bus pull away. My baby I lost. It seemed no matter how hard I tried I couldn't let go. night times were the worst.

I discovered that Liam had got into a new relationship a couple of days after he had left me (talk about healing period). I couldn't help but have a quick peek on Facebook to see what he had left me for. Surprise Surprise It was that girl who had been In my dreams, the one he left me for. This psychic dreaming thing was becoming regular. Was I some kind of alien species?? Was I some kind of freak?

I stared at the girls face and realised how beautiful she was. GREAT!!!! Not surprisingly It didn't make me feel any better. I did however notice I didn't care as much. It was love game guy who had been In my thoughts. It was the love game guy I wanted. why? again I don't know, I guess sometimes you just cant help who you fall for.

The last time I had seen love game was at that wedding. It had turned out to be probably the most humiliating night of my life. I had been approached by work colleagues during the days before informing me of how much Mr love game liked me.
Leading up to my managers wedding had been so exciting and everyone was convinced It would be the night we would get together.
Jess spent hours doing my hair, I borrowed my mums black dress that sparkled with silver gems over the low cut chest area.
I spent money on new shoes, dedicated an hour to painting my nails (I had to do this over and over again until I mastered how not to smudge it).
Jess looked at me by the time I was ready to leave "you look stunning darling, he is a fool If he cant see what an amazing woman you are."

I stayed and drunk a bottle of wine before I left , mistake number one.
I ripped my tights on the way in the car, mistake number two.
I arrived and ignored him, mistake number three.
I insisted on buying everyone drinks for most of the night,£400 gone, mistake number four.
I drank, I drank and I drank, mistake number five.
I snogged one of my female work colleges and then tried to snog the older receptionist lady. Mistake six.
I danced the funky chicken on a empty dance floor to FIVE!! Mistake seven.
I walked out of the loo with toilet paper stuck to my new shoes, number eight.
I launched myself at my work colleague in front of everyone trying to punch her when love game kissed her in front of me. mistake nine.
And finally for the big FAT number ten I was dragged outside of the party by a friend booing my eyes out, I chucked myself on the floor crying like a baby, make-up streaming down my face while Mr love game and his lady stood outside for a cigarette watching the show.

I am not making any of this up, If that is what you are thinking, it is all absolutely true and I looked like an absolute donkey.

why did my life seem to always be about men?. I don't know If it has something to do with dad leaving when I was a baby or just the fear of being single, something I had never been since I was 13.

Anyway like I said, love game was good for me In a way, and really did help with letting go of Liam.
My red book kept me going for a while and I started to slowly feel happy again. I think It was mainly due to my 4 stone weight loss. I felt I was getting more confident. However I still wanted to be on the wind up with men. Nan had some new news the last time I visited her, Apparently I was going to meet my prince charming. She described a guy to me In great detail. I didn't really know what to make of it and was still sceptical with all this future predictions stuff.



I was on the internet one night when match.com started flashing up. It caught my eye and something powerful was drawing me to It. Maybe It was just good advertising by match.com or maybe miss psychic had returned.

I tried to sign up, not because I was looking for love but I guess because It was a way to get to more men. When I realised you had to pay I decided against it.
That night though I woke up several times, I kept thinking "you have to join Claire, you have to."
It was bizarre, I didn't even really know much about computers, I was never one for technology and all its glory. Join a dating site?? really??

I guess It would add to my little red book, numbers had been short lately. So with a glass of wine in my hand I set about creating a profile of myself. It was fun. I was gob smacked by the response I got. I received over 100 winks In 3 days and was bombarded my emails of single men looking for llluuuuuurrrvvee!!!

WOW did it boost my confidence even more. I spent my evenings in replying to emails with complete crap. Some guy asked what I was in to and I just replied "ham".

Some guy asked what films I liked and I replied with " I don't like films I just love watching cheese melt on toast all day, It makes me smile".

The rubbish I came out with over a few weeks was ridiculous. I lied about my job, claiming I stuffed dead animals for a living, I was also a female pilot and a caretaker for someone's goldfish. It went on and on and then someone winked at me and sent an email That completely got me intrigued. I checked out his profile. He actually seemed nice, I felt pulled towards him, I stuck him to my favourites box and called my family over to the pc to see what they thought.

There was Kev, Sammy and mum staring at the screen at this man. We were flicking through his pictures and through his glasses you could see these beautiful green eyes, His eyes looked kind and his smile showed off his nice teeth.
His email to me had been full of humour and he had reduced me to tears through laughing so much. I felt absorbed. As mum expressed how much she liked his profile, my step dad expressed how he was no good because he was a Spurs fan. Sammy just laughed the whole time, I think she just found it so funny that her big sister and parents were sat all together On the match.com website checking out the hundreds of members.

Even though Tommy was a spurs fan we started exchanging emails regularly. I felt like I had known him my whole entire life, It was so strange. Tommy lived in Surrey, Woking. I was a Berkshire girl, Reading town.

Tommy had the most funniest sense of humour and for some reason I didn't want to wind him up. After two weeks of being on the site I actually became me and emailed Tommy as me.

It was so fun, we soon swapped numbers and our emails turned into phone calls.

It seemed something was blossoming.

---------- Post added at 21:03 ---------- Previous post was at 20:33 ----------

It felt right. We spent nights on the phone and Tommy had such a caring way. He was also very very grounded and calm. It seemed as though nothing phased him. He was constantly a happy man and always so optimistic. It was like I was chatting away to Jess, Becky or Sarah. He was so good at listening and gave great advice when I lost my way.
He made me feel safe just by speaking to him and after a month, although I was a little dubious we arranged to meet.

I was so nervous firstly for my own safety. You hear of so many story's of bad things happening when you meet people you have met online. I even told him I wanted to meet in a public place in case he wasn't who he really was and he was going to chop me up. He just laughed down the phone but told me how he understood and respected me for wanting to be safe.

So I told mum and the girls I was planning on meeting Tommy. Sarah took me In her car, we got to the restaurant car park nice and early so we could get there first and check him out . Time ticked on and I was getting increasingly nervous I found myself asking could I really put myself through another relationship?, I had only split up with Liam six months before. I realised I was going full steam ahead again. I hadn't even met the guy, this is just going to be a fun date.

As a car pulled up I slid off the passengers seat on to the floor in front cocooning myself in to a tight ball, keeping my head low. My heart started thudding.

"can you see him?,Is it him??, is it him? is that him?" I was acting like a scared but excited puppy. Sarah looked down to me from her higher up drivers seat, she was scanning her eyes across the car park. "eeerrrrr, yep I think thats him. hold on he is getting his phone out."
"whats he doing now??" I was too scared to look.

BEEP BEEP. my mobile went off scaring the life out of Sarah and me,It was a txt from Tommy that read "I am here xx"

The trouble was ten minutes had passed before I realised he had parked right opposite us. I couldn't get out the car now, I would look like a right stalker, he would have seen the car parked when he arrived. Oh god, I really didn't know what to do. It did cross my mind to ask Sarah just to put her foot down and drive off but when I eventually poked my head up to look out of the screen I saw how nervous Tommy looked, he was looking around fiddling with his pockets. He was very tall, I hadn't realised that from his photos. I saw those kind eyes and worried face and It was more than enough to get myself out of the car and over to greet him.
"good luck" Sarah whispered as I braved the walk of shame.

[clear blue sky]

We hit it off straight away. He was exactly as I expected and I really did feel as If I had seen him before. I felt relaxed and at ease from the second he smiled at me. We spent the evening in the restaurant in constant conversation.
He told me about his friends and family and I told him about mine. We spoke about our jobs and what we felt we wanted out of life. We laughed a lot. It felt unusual for me to be In the company of a man and not feel threatened.
I asked him why he joined Match and he explained how he found It hard In pubs and clubs to approach women, he also said It was something he wouldn't of normally done but he had felt drawn to sign up.

As the evening came to an end we stood outside of the restaurant waiting for Sarah to pick me up. I lent in to give Tommy a goodbye hug and suddenly realised I had the heal of my shoe completely stuck In a small crack of the pavement.
I secretly tried to release it, pulling at my leg but the shoe was not budging. I was so embarrassed when Tommy discovered what was going on. He knelt down facing my legs and began pulling at the shoe.
I felt so self concious. It got much worse when Tommy informed me I would have to take my foot out of the shoe. I was panicking that my foot would smell like a bag of wotsits and Tommy would just run off down the road screaming.
I took my foot out of the shoe wincing as I did it, Tommy then grabbed the shoe and started trying to twist It out of the crack.
After a while he succeeded and gently placed the shoe back on my foot.
I suddenly felt like Cinderella and remembered what my nan had said, maybe this guy is the one.



After that night of our first date we continued dating, trips to the cinema, meals out, bowling, poker nights with his friends, drinking nights with mine. We had fun and I didn't feel under any pressure to be anything but myself.
I couldn't believe how well things were going. I had never felt like this before, life was really picking up and I was living again.

It was a good 3weeks after my first date with Tommy when I was at home getting ready to go out on another date with him to the cinema.
I got back from work and said hi to mum, I told her I was going out with Tommy. Mum just smiled at me "Ok darling".

She seemed a little odd though, I couldn't quite figure it out I just shrugged it off and started getting ready. As I applied my make-up sat at the dressing table mum came into my room.
"you look beautiful love."
I felt good and It was nice for her to say. "thanks mum, you know I get my looks from you." She sat on my bed just smiling at me for ages. "you look beautiful love."
I wondered why she was repeating herself but just assumed she was In a really loving mood.
I started banging on about Tommy and how nice he was when she interrupted "you look beautiful love".

I started to feel really uneasy, something wasn't right. I left the room and she followed me downstairs, she didn't say anything else just smiled at me. I grabbed my handbag and stood at the door for a cigarette, I was getting really edgy.
"He will be here In a minute mum, why don't you go in?" mum was stood at the door shaking . It wasn't that cold I thought.

(this next bit is so hard to write as I'm trying to remember things that I have tried so hard to forget because I was so so scared at this time, having to think back to this very moment just brings back all those feelings I faced and had to feel, my hands are actually shaking right now and my heart is thudding just recalling this time)

I stood with mum waiting for Tommy to arrive. My mobile started to ring as he pulled up to our drive and my mum suddenly burst out screaming. "DON'T ANSWER IT!!!!, DON'T ANSWER THAT,THEY ARE COMING THEY ARE HERE. COME ON COME WITH ME,COME WITH ME NOW." mum grabbed hold of my arm and pulled me into the house. She was absolutely terrified and so was I, It was as if I could feel what she was feeling, I wanted to vomit. I couldn't feel my legs. "mum, its OK you are safe, we are safe, don't worry its all OK." Mum looked so confused and she seemed so vulnerable. My training as a carer assisting with people with dementia seemed to pay off. I concealed my own fear and spoke calmly to mum, It seemed to do the trick and she calmed down.
She walked into the back room where my step-dad was and sat on the sofa next to him. Kev obviously hadn't heard the commotion but I could tell he knew straight away something was up. "are you alright love?" he looked concerned. "yes, yes , yes, yes of course I am, why are you saying that?" "you just look a bit distressed."

I was perched on the arm of the sofa behind mum and managed to attract kev's attention. I shook my head from side to side mouthing to him"no she really isn't alright, we need to get help".

I had to run out to the car to tell Tommy my mum was Currently having a breakdown and I couldn't come out. There was no point in lying, I had no energy to be sensibly thinking about how to handle everything, I just blurted out the truth and at that time what he chose to do with it was his choice. I was giving him an option to run a mile, I felt sad at the thought I might loose him but that night my heart was there, all of it but only just for my mum.

By the time I returned to the house mum had forgotten her name, where she lived and what she did for work. She was holding herself completely different to how she normally did and her robotic responses to things just made her seem like a stranger.
She was crying out and mumbling to herself, We contacted the out of hours GP and they just prescribed her sleeping tablets. My step-dad looked drained after a few hours and his health was not the greatest so I suggested he get some sleep and I spent the whole night up with mum.
The sleeping pills did nothing, There were times she really started to scare me and I felt threatened. I rang Jess early hours of the morning and she came over to sit with us for a while.
I think Jess just assumed mum was feeling sad and didn't quite grasp the concept that mum had literally lost it. Jess placed her arms around mum talking to her in a kind way, telling her about nice things and how much she loved us all. Jess looked so startled when mum just shouted and obviously had no idea what was going on.

I couldn't bare to see mum like this, It was weird. Mum had been my rock my entire life, I know there were times she couldn't be there for me but as she always said two people with broken legs cant help heal each other. With mums depression and anxiety and my own symptoms It was like we were playing a game of emotional tennis with each other. If she was good,I was bad and If I was good she was bad. We were just hitting that little ball of mental health illness back and fourth to each other.

We both tried to be strong for ourselves to protect each other. My mother Is such a strong lady though and despite everything she had to face in her life she still knew how to have a good laugh. I admire my mum and the strength she has shown so many times just grows and grows and grows.
I love her from the bottom of my heart and couldn't of wished for a more inspirational lady to give birth to me. She had been my protector and now it was my turn to become hers.

---------- Post added at 01:48 ---------- Previous post was at 00:15 ----------

That night passed by so slowly, I thought It would never end. I was willing her to fall asleep but she didn't.
She was so distressed and she squeezed me so tightly just like she had done when I was 9.
If I went to the toilet she followed me and If I had a cigarette she followed me to.
I don't know how I managed to cope, I just did. It was mum who was having the real trouble.
When morning finally came I arranged for a call out from the doctor. My sister Sammy grabbed hold of me when she realised mum wasn't right. She was only 14 and as she clung to my shaking body she said "mums not well is she?" and then burst into tears. It was too much for me to handle and I couldn't hold on any longer. I let myself cry.

When the doctors arrived they prescribed more pills and contacted a mental health team to get involved, We had so many strangers coming in and out of the house. Mums sisters visited but nan wasn't able to cope. Nan would ring and speak to mum on the phone but she never saw her like this on this occasion, I never asked my nan why, but bless her at over 80yrs It would have been a lot to take in. Nan had seen mum have these breakdowns before and when I spoke with her on the phone she commented on mums robotic voice. She did have a little giggle, I didn't know if it was through nervousness or because nan was trying to lighten the load.

I must admit there were a few funny things that happened. I'm not one to ever judge or laugh at anyone with an illness ever but mum did a few things during this time that made me smile. Things I have been able to tell her and she has laughed about herself.
The thing is without these little moments in between the despair I don't think any of us would have got through it.

I had to take time off work to stay home with mum. After a week had passed I was starting to feel the strain. I was trying to keep up with the housework/washing cooking meals and caring for mum. She wasn't really getting any better and I was getting worried.
I was asked how we were coping and I was certain that I would not allow them to take mum into hospital. I was going to carry on looking after her. I knew it would be Ok. OK, I convinced myself things would be OK.

Trouble is It wasn't OK, mum was getting worse.
I think It had been about two weeks when mum told me a story, a story that is too terrifying to tell but all I will say Is that it was to do with spiritualism. Mum felt she had been taken over by spirits and she was telling me they wanted me to.

Now I know I have mentioned stuff about psychics and my nan and my auntie claiming she was a healer. But lets face the facts my mum was having a breakdown, this is a common thing to think in your own head when the wires are crossed around. I never ever ever wanted to get involved in anything like that, and mum had always warned me against it. This is why I choose to ignore the feelings that I get at times. This is why I don't act on my dreams or practise what I know is there.


Mum was just extra sensitive and so was I. I don't believe we have anything different to what anyone else was born with. Ever heard of extra sensory perception?. Well that's what It is. I have found that most people I have met who have anxiety issues or depression tend to have much more of a sensitive nature.
With ESP Its like your a walking sponge sucking up on everyone else's emotions and feelings. Actually feeling how someone feels. Having that real strong gut instinct about things and it happening.
The difference is We were involved with the living and not trying to conjure up the dead.
I believe that everyone was born with ESP. I believe it is like a 6th sense, but as I said for the living.
Its just like a form of communication with a bit more power behind it, similar to body language but this was like 'inside body language'. Sorry If none of this makes any sense and I'm rambling again.

So anyway mum was not good. I went to bed one night after finally getting mum to go to sleep in her room with Kev. I was just drifting off into a sleep when my phone started ringing, It was vibrating so load on the bedside cabinet It made me jump.

I answered It. It was Kev ringing from the other room. "can you come In Claire, I need help?." "whats up?" I was a little dazed still. "Its mum."

I ran In to their bedroom and was confronted by mum on top of kev wrestling him down so he couldn't move. God she was sooooo strong It didn't seem natural. She was yelling at him and getting mad. I sat on the bed and tried to calm mum down. It had gone too far. She didn't listen to me and I promised myself the moment she could cause real harm to herself or others was the moment I would have to give in.
I had spent my time as a carer a number of times comforting distraught family's when they had to make that horrific decision to put their loved ones into permanent care homes, This normally happened when people became too dangerous to themselves or not able to provide for themselves with all aspects of daily living .

You had to be sensible about these kinds of things and although It broke my heart I knew mum needed to be admitted. I really really really didn't want this to happen but I also wanted my mum back and maybe, just maybe they can help.
When Kev was finally released by my exhausted mum he ran downstairs and called an emergency line that we had been given. I tried to soothe my mums pain, but nothing seemed to work.
She was holding my head so close to hers just repeating my date of birth over and over and over again. I couldn't take It any more, I banged my foot hard on the floor to get some help and my step-dad came running up in the room.
I had been so strong up until now, and now I had crumbled, I started having a panic attack, I ran downstairs and grabbed a bottle of gin and just started drinking, I had had a few glasses by the time the room full of strangers appeared. It was like I had gone back in time. This time though I was old enough to drink and that night I don't know what I would of done without it.
I packed mum up her bags. She refused to go herself so after a couple of hours of going through all the paper work she was sectioned and taken away.

As I watched out the window the ambulance pull away I felt so guilty. I wanted to protect her, Iv failed. I was scared for my mum and As Sammy was fast asleep upstairs I just drank my gin and smoked a pack of 20 cigarettes until I eventually passed out.

For my mum it must have been the most scariest thing in the world to go through and I have the up most respect for anyone that has had a full breakdown. There is so much judgement in this world its sometimes hard to swallow.
We are all individuals the world is full of diversity, nobody has the right to label or judge any other human being. My mum wasn't a crazy person, she was just having a very hard time. My service users that I cared for at work were not just dementia patients they were people to. Joan is a lovely lady who has dementia. Not Joan is a lovely dementia person. You cannot label people by there illnesses or disabilities, by their skin colour or by their gender.

It suddenly dawned on me what I had done. Just because Liam was a man and other men had hurt me, It didn't mean all men are bad. I had been labelling people, It was time to forgive.

[clear blue sky]

I realised I had to forgive Liam. Yes I was happy now with Tommy, who had chosen not to run a mile but deep inside I knew if I continued to feel bad feelings towards Liam for what he had done it would end up destroying me.

I thought about the love he did show me over the five years of our relationship and finally realised we were just not meant to be. Thinking of things that way made it so much easier to put it to bed and really and truly move on.
As far as I am aware at this time Liam is still with the girl he met not long after breaking it off with me. I wish them luck.
I do occasionally find myself thinking of him. Especially when something reminds me of the times we had but I no longer feel any resentment. Holding on to any anger toward another human being as far as I am concerned just creates even more pain for yourself. Forgiveness really does set you free.

Over two years later after that bus pulled away I have never seen or spoken to Liam again and I don’t think I ever will.

My mum spent a few weeks in hospital and we visited as much as we could, almost every day. I was absolutely amazed at the progress she made, and so were the nurses that worked there.

She was back to herself within a week, and although very venerable she managed to start smiling again.

My mum is such an inspirational lady and a true fighter. Yes she had battled depression and I guess in a way it had won by completely taking her over but as they say it’s not the going down that makes somebody weak It is how you get back up.
I had been so afraid of being like that myself with all the anxiety I had felt over my life. Having to be hospitalized, as far as I was concerned that was the worst possible outcome that could ever exist.

As I sat in the visitors room with my mum I realised my fear had been crippling me. If that ever did happen it wouldn’t be the end of my life. Look at my mum a few weeks ago she didn’t know her name or where she lived and now? Now she was back and stronger than ever. Things in life do not always turn out nicely, bad things inevitably happen and fear will always remain to some extent in everyone’s life. I think the point though is to recognise that more than half of our fear is unnecessary. We are all victims I’m sure, of worrying about something In the future that never actually happens. You go through all that anxiety for nothing.
I obviously understand that anxiety can cloud your thoughts and make it virtually impossible to see the clearer picture, it can cause confusion and really make you feel like you will never climb out of the other side.

My mum is a proven example that there is hope and you can come through even the most distressing times as long as you keep that hope and let your fight kick in. Changing all the negative thinking patterns into positive thoughts will carry you through the bad times. Keeping your head high when you feel so down and remembering once you beat this you will have the power to grow will help to take back control.

When mum fully recovered from her breakdown everything seemed to improve. Sarah got engaged to an old friend, Jess met a wonderful man and I moved to surrey to live with Tommy on a beautiful farm land.

Everyone noticed the change in me, I guess it was all that country air.
No I know It was Tommy’s influence. I really started to settle and enjoy life without any pressures.
Tommy was such a different man to Liam. I didn’t feel the need to be with him all the time, I didn’t feel threatened or ever abandoned, and I just felt loved and cared for. I know it sounds a bit far-fetched but parts of me believes that it was my Nan who prayed for someone to take care of me and If angels really did walk the earth Tommy was certainly one of them, He became my protector and my friend. I had never connected with any other man on such a level.

I stared out of my front door up at the dark clear sky, a thousand stars could be seen twinkling in the night.
I listened to the sound of silence and gazed at the shadows of the dancing tree’s , I had found my peace and It felt incredible.


A Year later things were still very very good. I felt I had been dealt the lucky cards for once. I realised how much I had changed for the better as I had settled.

As I have previously said though you never know what life will bring and February 2011 I started often thinking about nan. I always had such a strong connection with her and visited her often but I was experiencing feelings that I didn’t like.

I kept asking mum How Nan was, of course her reply was always absolutely fine. Nan was such a strong woman She was 87 but seemed early 70’s . Her doctor visits for her regular Mot’s always came back perfect. The woman was fighting fit, extremely independent and would still get onto the buses and go to the town centre for a grand shopping trip. She was full of life any never complained of any old age pains.

So why did I have this sad feeling in the bottom of my stomach that I couldn’t understand.
I kept imagining I would receive a phone call from mum informing me that Nan had been taken Ill.
I didn’t know what to do, I remember sat in the car with Tommy and randomly crying my eyes out expressing that I wanted my Nan at my wedding. “Of course she will be there, your Nan has years left, and you have nothing to worry about”. Tommy smiled at me trying to reassure me that I was being over imaginative.

So why did I feel like this???? It was driving me crazy. I decided to push It away and just put It down to having silly thoughts. I felt like I really needed to visit her though so the next day set off back to Reading.

I buzzed that buzzer and heard Nans voice, she sounded great, happier than ever and full of beans. What have I been worrying about I thought?

“Hello you, come up love.”
I got outside nans door and It had been left open for me, as I walked in I spotted Nan sat at her dressing table putting some lipstick on. Bless her.

“Hey Nan” I gave her the biggest cuddle you could ever imagine and we went through to the lounge.
“I had a feeling you would come In today. I have scrabble at 15.00, how are love?”

I laughed to myself bless her again I always seemed to turn up when she had something going on. Nan loved her soaps and I seemed to always buzz her buzzer when Emmerdale was on, or ring her during Coronation Street. I glanced at the time it was just turning 14.00. We still had an hour.
“Yes I’m really good Nan”.
I had just returned from a trip to Scotland with Tommy and had brought Nan back a gift of different jars of preserves in little glass jars.
As I handed it over she smiled, her eyes were so bright. “Oh Claire, you shouldn’t be spending your money on me.”

“Well it was probably with the money you lent me Nan, so I didn’t, you kind of brought yourself a present.” We had a good laugh.

Nan had dressed up the October before for Halloween and had wanted to roam the corridors of her sheltered accommodation property, they were supposed to be holding a Halloween party there to but I’m sure I remember telling me it had got cancelled. I think someone had persuaded her not to though and when I saw the photos of my Nan as a dead bride I realised why. She could have ended up giving every one of her neighbour’s heart attacks, she looked absolutely horrific.
Nan had taken her teeth out for the full effect and had somehow made her skin look dead it literally was evil. Nan was so proud of herself for looking so scary she was adamant I picked a photo to keep. As I chose a photo I smiled at her. “Wow, thanks Nan”. It was like receiving a Christmas present that you didn’t really want, I shuddered as I quickly shoved It In my handbag.
She laughed so much and set me off giggling too.

We spoke about other things and I mentioned the fact I was starting to put weight on, Nan gave me lots of advice on how to lose weight and what has worked or not worked for her in the past. We were chatting when I suddenly glanced at the time it was 14.50. Time had gone so quickly .

“Did you say scrabble was at 15.00? Because its five to three now.”
“Yes it’s at three, but don’t worry Claire I don’t mind not going today, why don’t you stay longer?”
I knew how much Nan loved her scrabble meetings in the communal lounge and I was sure there would be plenty of people who would miss her if she didn’t attend. After all she was a popular lady and devoted much of her time caring for her neighbours who were not as able as she was.

“No, it’s ok Nan, you go, you will be missed if you don’t. I have got a pile of ironing to get through anyway before work tomorrow.”

“Ok Claire If you are sure.”
Nan walked me towards her front door and I suddenly got that feeling back again, as she opened the door to let me out her eyes scanned my body. “You may of put a little bit of weight back on love, but you are looking so beautiful, you have always been beautiful and you always will be remember that won’t you love?”

“Thanks Nan I could feel myself blushing, well I have still got to work on the tummy.”
“So next time I will see you, you will be like this then.” Nan put her hands on her hips and sucked her tummy in posing like a model.

I burst out laughing and gave her a kiss, as I walked up the corridor I stopped at the end and looked back. I stayed still for a minute at least, just in time to see her close her door.

[ZD]

What happens now , what happens with nan , omg your truly amazing is there more there has to be ,what I will say I can relate to a lot you wrote about the gut feelings and the spiritual side . I want you to write lots of books and I m going to be your number 1 fan . I am so lost for words .
Huge hug
Zoexx

[clear blue sky]

thanks so much :) I really appreciate your comment. Yea there is more. Its really really helping to get me over some things. I really have a massive passion for writing and would defiantly LOVE to publish. I wont be trying to publish this though out of respect for some of the people in it. Even though I have changed all names It doesn't seem right to exploit certain people In it.
I didn't intend on this even happening, It just started and I couldn't stop!!

I'm hoping If people do read It though I can somehow give them a bit of hope through my own experiences and how I have got over them.
I'm also hoping to write some other novels which I have some ideas for.

So I take it you have some spiritual stuff going on then to???? Thank you once again.
xxxxx

p.s will be updating story very soon

take care of you
xx

[clear blue sky]

As I made my way down to the car park I began recalling memories of my visits to Nan and granddads. I thought about my toddler days in the garden to the baking in the kitchen when I was that little bit older. I thought about the amount of times Nan had made me smile. I thought about the card games we all played and how granddad and I would bet all nans pennies away between ourselves.
I thought about those magical family Sundays. I recalled the time when I was a teenager sun bathing in the garden, Nan gave me a gold brass bell to ring if I needed a top up of a drink or anything else. I was treated like a queen that day but Granddad had joked, mocking me like I was little Miss Spoilt.
Thing is I was spoilt, but with buckets of love and not possessions.

I thought about the time Granddads trousers fell down as he stood up from his chair after watching Frost on TV. Nan and I had laughed for ages until I couldn’t breathe.
I thought about the time they took me to the cinema to see Titanic, after the film had finished we went to go home. Nan got lost in the car park and couldn’t find the exit. We drove around with them bickering about where the exit is.

“It’s over there you stupid bloody woman.” Granddad had boomed.
“Well where? I can’t see It. This is silly, and don’t call me a bloody woman you bloody Idiot.” Nan was getting flustered.
“You are the idiot we have just passed the exit again. Look woman go over that way.” Granddad pointed to what he thought was the exit. Nan followed his instructions. I knew they were completely wrong instructions but just stayed silent.

I was giggling so much to myself in the back. I had never seen them argue before and never ever expected they did. I was shocked but found it so funny as we drove around and around and around in complete circles for more than 15mins In that small white fiesta.


The following evening Tommy and I were enjoying a relaxing sofa, duvet evening, watching TV and snuggling down for the night.
My phone began to ring. “Claire, Its mum. Listen love, Nan has had a stroke we are at the Royal Berkshire Hospital, she is just having some tests. Is Tommy there love? Claire? Are you there?.”

I was unresponsive because I had been sucked into this strange world. My vision blurred and I was so aware of my pounding heartbeat. I could feel every pulse in my body pounding and pounding. My ears were ringing. My mouth turned into a dry sandpit and I suddenly forgot how to even swallow. I felt like I had lifted out of my body, I had no control.
My eyes fixed on the clock as Tommy shook me.

“Claire?? What’s wrong?”

It felt like I had been stuck like that for an eternity, in fact it had been less than a minute.
I began to feel a huge surge of adrenaline as I returned to myself. Right come on Claire pull yourself together, what’s happened?. Nans had a stroke. Right, ok well that doesn’t mean she is really bad. I have cared for lots of people who have had strokes and some of these people have made a full recovery. She is so fit and healthy, it can’t be a bad one. She will be fine. Poor mum, she sounds bad, right got to get keys, got to go. It’s going to be fine. Nan and mum need me.

“CLAIRE!!” Tommy was now shouting and I could hear mums muffled voice from the phone. I put my fingers to my lips gesturing for Tommy to be quiet, “wait a minute.” I coughed to clear my trembling voice before holding the phone back up to my ear.

“Yes, sorry. Right ok. Don’t worry mum, Tommy and I are on our way. Just leaving now.”
I hung up the mobile and Tommy had already grabbed the keys and put his trainers on. I guess he had figured we had to go somewhere and now.

As we jumped in the car I told Tommy Nan had had a stroke.

I couldn’t believe myself when I said those words, everything seemed so surreal. The journey to the hospital was a complete blur, I can’t remember much. I know I phoned Sarah who agreed with me that of course Nan would be fine and it just might be my turn to look after her for a while now until she makes a full recovery. I was so grateful for my experience as a care assistant, I could really use this now to benefit my nan.
Mum text on the journey telling us to go to her house as they were leaving soon and Nan was resting.

As we pulled up onto mum’s drive the house was in darkness, I opened the car door to get out and buckled, my legs were like jelly. Sitting in the lounge I found out nans life story that she had written and began to read it out loud to Tommy it was giving me comfort and reading it I felt closer to her. I was sure she would be ok, and then all of a sudden I knew.

I was just getting a glass of water to try and replenish the sandpit mouth when I heard Nans voice. In my own head I mean.
“It’s not ok love, be prepared.”

It was so strange I said it out aloud to Tommy “it’s not ok.”
Tommy looked at me with his loving eyes “Of course she will be ok.”
“No she isn’t Ok. I know it.” As I said those words the light in the kitchen flickered. Tommy looked a little spooked.

I went back into my mind to reply to Nan. “Nan, Nan please please, I need you. We all need you. Please be ok.You have to be there the day I get married, I want you there so much, Please Nan I love you.

“Oh Claire, of course I will be there. I will out shine you, I will be wearing that brides dress I wore at Halloween.” I could hear her infectious giggle. You have Tommy now, he is the one love, and he will take good care of you. Everything will be ok, you’ll see.”

Mum and Kev walked in the room, they were back from the hospital. I took one look at my mums distraught face and realised I would have to hold it together. As mum flung her arms around me, Kev shook his head behind her mouthing to me and Tommy “It doesn’t look good.”

Mum informed me that Nan had gone into town to change some trousers. On the way home She had got on a couple of wrong buses so had obviously been confused and wasn’t herself. Nan would have been feeling awful but she was so independent she wouldn’t have asked for help or rung any of us as she wouldn’t have wanted to cause worry. Nans stroke had probably started about then. She had made it home eventually probably with just pure determination and one of the residents and wardens had seen her come in the building. They had seen she didn’t look well and contacted my auntie and an ambulance.

Nan suffered a major stoke that wasn’t due to a clot but a bleed of the brain. It was the more serious type. Mum told us how she kept holding her head and couldn’t really talk. Nan did manage to say though that she had seen me and I was getting fatter (thanks for that Nan) and asked how my auntie’s vegetables were doing in her new allotment. After that she could no longer talk.

The days that followed were hard. Nan never spent one moment alone in that hospital. My auntie would sleep in a bed next to her every night. My mum, uncle and other aunt would visit in slots. I went with mum every time. Tommy came with me. My cousins came in and we would all cry a little outside her room.
I had suggested taking in a cd player and playing some music which we did and my auntie would put nans lipstick on her every day. We would spray the room with her favourite perfume and just sit holding her hand.
She didn’t look too bad at all to me compared to those awful Halloween pictures. I had a little chuckle to myself thinking maybe that’s why she did it, so when she was really Ill she would actually look quite beautiful. Nice plan.

Each day that went by was different, I knew it wouldn’t be long. She looked so peaceful and comfortable. I had spent a few evenings on the phone to my manager who is a nurse asking what I could do? I knew deep down There was nothing I could do and I guess that’s what made it even more painful. Above her bed on the board read her name, date of birth and then it just said TLC.

It had been four days since Nan had gone into hospital when Tommy came with me for a visit.
Tommy sat in the chair at the end of her bed and I sat next to her holding her hand and stroking her hair.

I didn’t know what to say. I told her some funny stories and spoke about granddad. I told her Tommy was there to and I was so very happy with him.

I laughed about her ugly photos and told her I was going to post them in a magazine and enter her as the craziest Nan In the world.

And then I said thank you, I thanked her for everything she has ever done for me and expressed how she truly is the most incredibly amazing Nan I could of ever have wished for. I thanked her for my mum who is so inspirational and for our close nan/granddaughter relationship that I had cherished and will cherish for the rest of my life.
I kissed her on the forehead and glanced at Tommy his eyes were streaming with tears.

“I love you my NAN, I really love you. Goodnight.

My Nan passed away 15th March 2011.

She is missed beyond belief by everyone she ever touched with her kind nature and huge heart. There isn’t a day that passes when I don’t think about my wonderful Nan. I still can’t believe she has gone but I guess in a way she hasn’t because she will stay in my heart and in my memories forever. Reunited with her husband Harry may they rest in peace.

---------- Post added 08-03-12 at 00:34 ---------- Previous post was 07-03-12 at 23:06 ----------

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived



You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left



Your heart can be empty because you can't see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared



You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday



You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on



You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.



written 1981
David Harkins 1959 -
Silloth, Cumbria, UK

[clear blue sky]

I guess looking back now It is easy to see how I went downhill again. I began thinking the worst In everything. If my cat didn't come home that meant he had been attacked by a fox or run over and was lying dead somewhere. If Tommy was late home that meant he must have been In an accident. I would play out scenarios In my own head as to what could happen and how I would handle It. I started to worry about everyone I loved, worried that they would develop some kind of illness. I also worried about my own health and when I was diagnosed with IBS and an OAB I was convinced It was more than that and I had a tumour growing In my bowel or bladder. With all these thoughts running through my head It was no surprise the panic attacks reappeared.

I began to loose all my confidence and became fearful of "loosing control".
For two months I felt like a scared, vulnerably child. My whole body would just shake at times and I felt as though I was living In a nightmare. Time didn't seem to exist and It was as though I was stuck,half living In just "one long day".

I became paranoid that people thought I was a liability and a pain. That I was overreacting and attention seeking. I worried that Tommy would see what a nutter I really was and run for the hills.

I was useless and incapable.


It reached a head the day I drove to work. I had tried to hide the way I was feeling and just carry on because really what else could I do?.
I was running late and I had to be at a clients house for 10.00am. It was now 10.00am and I still had a 15min drive to go.
My breathing started to quicken and my heart began thudding. I felt so edgy and started to question myself...... How on earth can I look after another person when I feel like this?. I always put 110% into my job. There is no point being a carer If you don't, you have to put your everything into it and do your up-most to attend every need of your client. Someone is relying on you to assist with things they may not be able to do any-more and it is YOUR job to do It in the most safest,respectful and caring manner.

I hit a set of red lights and became lost In a full blown panic attack. I switched off my mobile phone as I was too petrified to ring In sick at the very last minute. I drove (somehow) just around the corner Until I found a hiding place. There I sat in my car and cried. I cried until I felt numb, I felt useless and worried what I would do for work once I was sacked??!! I was too scared to move, I couldn't focus on anything I just felt trapped in my own mind.

---------- Post added at 12:40 ---------- Previous post was at 11:37 ----------

I was unable to see a way out or the clearer picture. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. I felt ashamed of myself for not speaking to my manager and letting her know I wouldn't be able to make it to the ladies house. I switched my phone on and the cowards way sent a txt saying "cant work today,so so sorry."

I then switched it straight back off. I didn't want to have to explain myself and I didn't want to speak to anyone at that point. Sarah also worked for the same company and had just been promoted as a senior team member. My work sickness levels had been high my entire working life and It always prevented me from reaching my full potential. I was always ashamed of that to, and often wondered how my various managers had put up with it and me.

It had caused problems In mine and Sarah's friendship at times as she would often have to cover me with my sickness. Sarah said she always found It hard to separate our friendship and the fact she felt responsible for me at work. This time though I thought that would be the end of my career as a carer. My anxiety had taken it. My anxiety had won. Rather than cause all these problems at work I would rather just not work at all, I couldn't manage It, I was crap at my job and I was very very unreliable.

---------- Post added at 12:58 ---------- Previous post was at 12:40 ----------

I couldn't speak to Sarah as I knew she would probably be out covering my care calls. I couldn't speak to my mum as I was scared It would set off her own anxiety. I was too scared to phone Becky and didn't want Tommy to have to listen to this pathetic excuse of a woman.

Jess was who I turned to at this point. Only when I got there she wasn't In. It was Jess's lovely boyfriend who had become a great friend of mine who was in at the time.
He had suffered with anxiety/depression at times In his life so I knew he understood, He also knew how crippling panic attacks could be . He took one look at me and I guess my face read a story as he knew how distraught I was.

We sat down and chatted, He made me tea and I slowly but surely began to feel calmer. Jess phoned to speak to me and gave me lots of support as usual. She had been cutting her grans hair and would be home soon. The doorbell rang and Sarah arrived. She had been driving around Reading looking for me. "Oh Claire, what are we going to do with you?"

[clear blue sky]

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know.” I could feel myself blushing with embarrassment, I felt like a naughty school girl who had done something naughty and just ran away to hide and now the headmistress had found me and I had a lot of explaining to do. The trouble was I couldn’t really explain anything because I was so confused by my drowning amounts of anxiety.

“I love you Claire but I think you have forgotten how strong our friendship Is, That bond we share. You never seem to ask for help and never want to take advice. We are all here you know, we all love you, we all want to help.”
“I know,Im sorry” I must have said that word a thousand times that day “I’m sorry”. It seems to be the most used word in my vocabulary. I don’t really know what that says about me as a person but I do tend to say sorry ever so often. Sometimes without any purpose and sometimes without knowing I’m saying it. I’m the kind of person who apologizes when someone else bumps into me. I’m the kind of person who just seems to love the word sorry. I guess It emphasises my lack of confidence and certainly oozes venerability.

“I think a doctors trip is in order don’t you Claire?”
Sarah softened her eyes and revealed her concerns.
“Yes I think your right. I’m just afraid to go on any medication Sarah, It’s all they will do and you know It, Try and put me on happy pills. You know I have a fear of medication. What If they make me worse? What If I never get any better?”

“Well you are not going to know unless you try are you? If you don’t go on medication you may well end up feeling worse. You know yourself you are not right Claire and whether the doctor tells you to take medication or shave your hair off and do the tango it’s time to start listening to what the doctors have to say, following their advice is a must If you want to try and overcome this. I’m here I’m with you.”


As we climbed the stairs to my surgery I felt a sense of dread “Oh here we go again”. I was never in the best of health and always seemed to be at the doctors. Everyone would joke about how much time I would spend there “You might as well ask for a permanent Room hadn’t you Claire!!!” was the regular remark that I would hear often.
It was so bad the moody receptionists knew me by my first name. Sometimes I wouldn’t even have to bother signing in as soon as those surgery doors opened and I appeared I would begin walking over to the front desk and before I even had the chance to say anything a glaring eyed, power hungry, obviously, underpaid, busy, disrespectful receptionist would mumble “I have signed you In Claire, Take a seat.” Pointing to the seating area her voice really not concealing how fed up she was with working there. A smile might have been nice.

Anyway this time was different I hadn’t had to phone up and beg for an appointment like a dying woman when they would Never have anything available until 8weeks time. I hadn’t had to of diagnosed myself to know whether a nurse would be able to help today instead of those very busy doctors. I hadn’t done anything. As we walked up to the front desk I knew I would never in a million years get an appointment on the spot like this. Then I remembered I had Sarah with me.

Sarah told me to sit down and went up to the desk. I was relieved she would be taking the plunge for me. I sat down and began tapping my foot through nervousness, I felt people staring at me playing the “what’s wrong with this person game”.

Through my ringing ears I could just make out the conversation between Sarah and the lovely receptionist.

“Hi we need an emergency appointment as soon as possible please?”.
“We don’t have anything.” Short and sweet I guess.
“What are we supposed to do then? Claire really does need to be seen.” Sarah was insistent.
“All our doctors are out on home visits at the moment, what exactly is the problem?” Mrs beady eyes glanced over at me.

“My friend has been having panic attacks and is not herself.”
“Well take a seat.” The receptionist picked up the phone and hushed Sarah over to sit down. It seemed this woman loved the power. She held all the keys to the realm of G.P’s.

Ten minutes must have passed before I clocked my aunt Jane walking into the surgery.

“Shit!!, Sarah Jane has just walked in. Don’t look, don’t look.” I put my head to the floor in the hope of not getting spotted.
Sarah on the other hand instinctively turned to face my aunt.

“SARAH!!!” I let out a little groan. “What am I going to say? Why are we here? My Aunt will ask. I don’t want mum to find out, I don’t want to worry her.”

“We are here for me yea?”.
Sarah spoke out of the corner of her mouth while smiling at my aunty Jane as she made her way over.

“Hey girls, what brings you here??” She had the same infectious chuckle as my Nan. “What’s wrong with your eyes Claire?” So many questions already, my head started to hurt that little bit more.

Sarah cut in “Err um errr Yes. We are here for me.” Sarah obviously wasn’t as good at lying as she was at getting last minute doctor’s appointments.

“Oh right Ok I thought you lived the other side of town?” My aunty was not letting this one go. A very inquisitive woman although I loved her dearly. Aunt Jane knew my friends well as they had been around most of my life.
“Yea I just never registered to the surgery in my area.” The lying spiralled into more lies and I was praying the receptionist wouldn’t call me over and blow our cover.
I started to get panicky a little and without thinking blurted out. “They are puffy puffy aren’t they?” what on earth was I chatting about??

Sarah and Jane looked at me puzzled. “My eyes I mean. You asked what was up with my eyes, I’m pretty sure it’s hay fever.”

“You want to watch them” Jane giggled. Another one of Aunt Jane’s quick witted responses. She was just about to turn to leave taking her cackling giggle with her when Jess came rushing over to us puffing away and gave me a huge hug. “Oh my mate, are you OK? I love you girl you know that?” She paused for a second when she spotted Aunt Jane. Sarah had been trying to hush her up mouthing to her that it was her we were all there for. I think by now my psychic aunty had twigged something was going on. I guess some things are better left unsaid.



Something magical happened next.
It was incredible but a G.P appeared to be in surgery and available to see me. She must have flown through the walls after coming back from home visits as I certainly didn’t see her walk into the surgery. Anyway I was relieved to be seen, and over joyed when I realised I had a slot with the very best G.P. She was the softest, kindest doctor you could ever wish for. Dr Brink had always been in high demand at my surgery as everyone always requested to see her. Her caring nature and wide range of medical knowledge were such wonderful traits that made her such a fantastic G.P. She was a G.P that genuinely cared and gave 110% to all her patients.

Dr Brink had taken care of my Nan and seen my mum on several occasions. My aunts had also had her before and praised her for the time she devoted to them.

To see her face on that day put me at ease within minutes. Jess had gone to the café for a coffee and wanted to wait to see that I was Ok. Sarah came into the surgery with me. As I sat in the chair and faced Dr Brink I began Spilling out everything. I was wired up to the max as I explained about all these thoughts I had been having and how panic attacks had occurred. I informed her of how physically and emotionally drained I felt. I had no energy, I Just wanted to crawl into a nice soft comfy bed and sleep for an eternity. I had no fight left.

Dr Brink understood and with a soft voice explained what she had planned for me. Yes It did involve medication, Yes It did involve Talking therapies and yes I needed all the support I could get at that time and I was so grateful for the tremendous amount shown.

“I don’t know if I can do it though! What If I’m allergic and they kill me?
What If they make me go mad and I become someone else?” “I’m going to die.”

The anxiety levels that presented its self the day I went to take my first sertraline tablet were incredible. I spent the entire day pacing the kitchen up and down. I knew I needed to take the tablets. I had to at least try and give them ago. I had avoided medication as much as possible throughout my life I’m all about the natural healing. Could I now break that rule????????

[clear blue sky]

For me I guess it was a huge gamble. The way my mind was working back then I was certain they would kill me off and petrified of feeling out of control. I hated the thought of feeling high as I had been scarred by a bad experience of drug taking when I was younger.

I must have been around 14 the night I tried drugs. It was a school friend’s birthday party and we had been left with a free house. A few lads from school had arrived and Sarah a few other girls and I decided to play “traffic lights”. This game involved everyone sitting in a circle and passing around a joint. We would all have a couple of puffs and then have to hold your breath until it came around to you again. I had never taken any drug in my life and had no idea what to expect and I guess at 14 I was unaware of any consequences so really saw no danger In what I was about to participate in.
I did feel a little nervous but felt an enormous amount of peer pressure and I guess that took over.
I sat on the edge of the garden pond next to Ralph the geekiest guy in school who since he had begun taking drugs became popular and respected. He had changed dramatically from a shy, reserved, wimpy boy to a loud, proud rocking festival goer.

I guess part of me admired him at that time. He had turned his life around and maybe I could do the same. Maybe I could become cool and well respected and put my old school days of being bullied behind me. Yes I had been a victim of bullies.
I had been pushed up against a filling cabinet and verbally abused. I had been surrounded by a group of school boys in the local park and spat at from all directions. I had been told everyday by one particular lad that I was a fat cow. I had been laughed at and spitefully shunned by the group of popular girls. Every school has them and I’m sure you know who I’m talking about. That bunch of girls (or pop tarts as I liked to refer to them as) who think they are better than everyone else. The girls that look plastic and plaster themselves in make-up and hair spray every day. All they care about is image and being popular and pretty. God they got on my nerves so much. I often asked myself if I was just jealous of them but in reality I knew they just made me cringe
The strange thing was at the start of school I had befriended a few of these girls and so had Sarah. One of them was even very close to us and for a while even classed as a best friend. That all changed when I began to realise what type of girls they were. And when they started to bully a sweet little girl in school I stuck up for her and consequently became disowned by the pop tarts and became a new target for them to pounce on.
I always stood my ground and gave back as good as I got yet secretly the harsh comments and sniggers stripped tiny pieces of my confidence to shreds as the school years passed by.
So here I was staring at Ralph McKenzie and the giant spiff he held in his hand. I glanced around the circle at everyone else that had taken their share and were all currently holding their breath. Sarah looked blue. I better take my go. I puffed on the harsh roll of cannabis and felt the back of my throat burn and tickle “god don’t cough don’t cough that will look wimpy, come on Claire”. I ignored the strong sensation to start choking my guts up and just held my breath following the traffic light rules.
A few minutes must have passed; I couldn’t quite tell you how long it had been as I started to lose the plot. I turned my head to look at McKenzie and began to freak out as his face changed into something resembling a china doll. My head began to spin and my vision distorted blurring in and out of focus. Everything seemed to hit slow motion button and every few moments I felt an adrenaline rush flitter through my fuzzy body. Within seconds I started to fall backwards into the pond. The next thing I can recall is lying face down in the back garden and hearing an ambulance next to my ear. I had died.
I looked up to see a crowd of faces laughing at me. “No you are not dead Claire.” Sarah was in hysterics.
I had been hallucinating and freaking out, shouting out a random array of things.
“Come on, come and sit down.” Sarah ushered me to a sofa where I must have sat for a good few hours gazing at the Blank TV. Repeatedly asking “When will it stop?”
I had also panicked about a tray full of oven baked potatoes that were in the oven on high. Trouble was there were no potatoes and when I saw Aunt Jane come in and start hovering I realised I was on a different planet. Sarah had spent the rest of the night trying to convince me there were no potatoes in the oven and Aunt Jane was not in the room before she ended up flat down in the garden herself.

So that was my terrible experience of drugs and In a way I guess It was good as I swore I would never take anything like that again. I had experienced the power of cannabis and even felt the long lasting effect of the drugs the following day at an outdoor concert we attended. Looking back now I’m not even sure it was cannabis in that spliff from the reactions I suffered I’m pretty convinced it must have been something much stronger. It is frightening to think of what the outcome could have been and I’m lucky and a firm believer in a no drug world!! Anti-drugs!!

Pacing the kitchen opening and shutting the draw I imagined having the same effects from the sertraline tablets. I know it’s a crazy thought to have that Sertraline would make me feel like that but I was thinking it over and over again. I fort with myself all day trying to find the positives and thinking well? What’s the worst that could happen? After a quick and short encouragement call from Sarah I quickly opened the top draw pulled out the packet of tablets popped open a blister and swallowed my first tablet in the hope I would remain alive.

Tommy finished work and came home to find me scrubbing the house like a mad woman. “I took a pill” I smiled at Tommy shoving the leaflet in his hands. The information leaflet that I had not read on purpose. I knew if I sat there and read it I would panic about all the side effects it could cause. I would convince myself I was suffering from all of them. I knew it would be the best idea to let Tommy take control I asked him to read the leaflet and stick it somewhere safe and be my monitor. If I experienced any effects I wanted him to be aware. I was best left in the dark.
Tommy gave me a huge hug and congratulated me on taking the first step. He was a mick taker but I have always loved his sense of humour He really was the perfect man for me. Laughter is the best cure.

I relaxed by the evening and my worries of taking any medication vanished I realised I had been causing myself more stress sticking in the limbo land not sure which path to take. As soon as I had chosen my path and swallowed that little white pill I did relax. What’s done is done. I was still unsure how things would pan out and this always increased my anxiety. But I learned something that day. A valuable lesson that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

While we are all pottering around not going forward or making decisions because we are frightened of the outcome we are contributing to stress in our own lives. We are getting a sore bum sat on that fence when we can see the people either side relaxing on a sun lounger with a cool drink and smiling face. We have the power to make the decisions and changes and whether it is the right or wrong choice and whether it’s for better or for the worst we never lose because any way is the right way. We are born to learn and to survive and that we do. I had chosen to take a tablet thus giving me control and the ability to jump off the fence and join the sunny side.


It turned out I had made the very best choice after a few weeks side effect free I began to feel a small change. My emotions didn’t seem to be so overpowering and I was able to see the clearer picture. I felt as though a cloud had lifted and left a scene of peace. My emotions no longer controlled me and for the very first time in years I began to feel normal.

I know there is a lot of stigma surrounding SSR’s and that over asked question. Do you think they just shut out the real problem and mask your emotions transforming you in to a living zombie? My view is this….
I have an anxiety disorder and suffer with deppresion; I take medication to control this. Does it work? Yes. Am I still me? I certainly am.

Take Liz for instance. Liz had a terrible head ache. Liz took some headache pills and the pain went away. Was Liz masking her headache by covering it up with painkillers? No. Liz was taking the pills for her head pain. She was hardly going to be able to get to the core of the problem, give herself a bit of brain surgery and straighten out her own headache was she?

And take John who broke his leg. Surely sticking it in a cast is just covering up the real issue here of broken bones rather than dealing with the real problem? Obviously not. What a mad idea. So why is it any different with any tablets used to treat a range of mental health conditions?

I lack a certain chemical in my brain which is replaced by medication. I don’t believe they are masking any problem just filling in something that is missing and I have no problem admitting I love these pills. They have contributed to my recovery and enabled me to live a more satisfying life.

---------- Post added at 12:02 ---------- Previous post was at 11:00 ----------

After several weeks I began to feel such a big improvement and managed to get myself back to work after three months at home, I had come across the no more panic site and without even meaning to began to let it all out in a story form. I would just sit here on days and without even thinking type and type away. My fingers tapping resembling a river dance without my brain registering what is coming up next. I have found it so therapeutic and energizing. I have mentioned things here I didn’t even think bothered me anymore, I guess It did. I was able to see I’m not alone and there are so many other people who suffer with anxiety/depression. I could relate to so many of you and I guess it gave me some strength and enabled me to get through.
For a few months I was happy and anxiety free, I was full of advice and really believed I could help others. I realised I had turned my pain into creative writing and got carried away with rushing ideas of becoming the next Danielle Steel or female Stephen King.

It is quite amusing when you think about it. I am after all just average Joe Blogs who has had some hard times in my life (certainly not the worst) but who has also been blessed with so much. I have such a wonderful loving family, the greatest friends you could ever wish for and a life full of happiness.

Today I am pyjama girl who is looking out the window watching the world go around but tomorrow I could be anything.
And I guess that is my point. Life really is full of ups and downs. It is sad to think that happiness is not constant as I once believed and in some point in all of our lives we come face to face with the lows.
Each and every one of us will have to face pain whether we lose someone we love, suffer an illness or fall upon hard times, life will inevitable jab your heart. However life will make you smile and bring so much love if you let it in. I chose to look for the happiness. Like today for instance, today my tummy is the size of Britain and I am in constant pain with IBS. I can’t fit in any of my clothes and I seem to be stuck on the loo.
Yesterday I had enough, I had enough of looking like a beach whale and feeling isolated yet again stuck in this little barn house while everyone else is out living. But today, yes I am Ill, yes I am in pain but look at this lovely barn house I am living In. Look outside the window and see the beauty of nature, take the time to really look at your surroundings, the birds, the sky especially is actually so peaceful whether it is an exciting colourful shade of patchy grey or filled with fluffy pure white pouches or the favourite peaceful colour, that clear blue sky. The sky reminds me of life ever changing, moving, sometimes dark and sometimes bright but whatever and whichever way it go’s it’s a beautiful natural miracle. We can’t control the sky like we can’t always control certain outcomes of life yet we can chose to look at It in a way that makes that clear blue sky the most prominent colour.

[yvonne_uk_98]

I can understand what its like to be bullied, its so horrible. took a long time to stand up and over come being bullied. I over came it through true friends.

looking forward to more of your story.

[clear blue sky]

You were up to date with me, that's where I was, Happy with Tommy age 24 and feeling rather positive considering how ill I had felt . I wondered where my life would lead and what would happen next?!. Would my anxiety return? What could happen ?
However nothing in this world could prepare me for what actually took place over the following weeks.
I was thinking up to this point. My story is going end soon but It turns out its just the beginning.

---------- Post added at 22:35 ---------- Previous post was at 22:24 ----------

Over the following days after the last few pages of my gabble talk on changing life, My life changed. In a HUGE way.
As you well know I had been feeling Ill for a while, down to your IBS the doctor had said.

"You are full of gas, try getting some charcoal tablets and avoid fibre foods"
The doctor was prodding my swollen tummy.

I always felt deflated and questioned whether my doctors always knew what they were on about. I then convinced myself I was suffering with health anxiety and worried to much. Its just IBS.

A few days passed and I realised my body didn't feel normal, I had a terrible ache in my lower back and I knew something wasn't right, My swelling tummy resembled that of a pregnant woman.

---------- Post added at 22:46 ---------- Previous post was at 22:35 ----------

My breasts where extremely sore and I suddenly had a sense that I had felt like this before. That was It, I have felt like this before, I turned to Tommy "I think I'm pregnant"

"Hahaha what? don't be daft You have the copper coil fitted. Its probably the combination of your IBS and PMT."

"Yea, I know of course I'm not, I just feel pregnant." I looked up at Tommy looking for some kind of reaction to see how he would react If it were to be true. He was still laughing. Hugging me tight he stated "Anyway Hun, You say that nearly every month before you are due on."

"It hasn't been every month you loon, just a couple of them." I defended myself before deciding Tommy was right and there was no way I would be pregnant. I wasn't sure on period dates as since I had the coil fitted they had been irregular and sometime came every 2 weeks.
I decided it was time to do everything by the book to control my IBS.

---------- Post added at 23:18 ---------- Previous post was at 22:46 ----------

Have you ever thought about a song and then in comes on the radio? Or been thinking about someone you maybe haven't seen for a while and then bumped into them?
You know those little odd spooky moments in life when its as if little signs have been sent down from somewhere to remind you of things or make you think. You break up with a partner and suddenly you seem to see their name everywhere, On a registration plate, The name badge of the guy at the till, a TV advert, a new song released with their name in it.

Well that's kind of what happened to me. BABY Baby baby. Everywhere I went something was screaming to me baby. Suddenly the only adverts I ever saw on TV were for baby products. Everywhere I went I would end up passing a pregnant woman or two or three or four. It got to a point of me thinking is anyone not pregnant??!!!. Walking in the park I found a baby hat, Walking down the road I found a dummy. The new realise of the film "what to expect when your expecting" caught my eye as I drove passed the cinema near my mums home.
I saw babies everywhere and they all seemed to gaze at me like they new something I didn't. "Yes love you have got one of us growing in that tummy of yours."
It was bizarre and I was sure something was trying to tell me something. So I guess after a week or so I decided no harm would be caused If I just did a test to see.

[yvonne_uk_98]

thinking of you, how are you? now canny wait until the next bit of your story.

[clear blue sky]

Hey my lovely. Not so great how are you doing??? xx

---------- Post added at 22:00 ---------- Previous post was at 19:31 ----------

Saturday May 19th 2012 was the day I brought a pregnancy test. Tommy accompanied me as I reached up to the shelf and grabbed the nearest one. As I walked up to the desk test clutched In my hand I wondered what the lady behind the counter would think.
I always worried what people thought of me, worried how I came across and it always had bothered me what people thought, even strangers.
The lady smiled at me as she took the test from my shaking hand to scan through the till, I half smiled back while gazing at the floor nervous beyond belief.
As Tommy and I drove the drive home It felt like we were on a never ending road ,we were Never ever going to get there. My mind began racing with the thoughts of being a mum. Would I be good enough? can I handle the stress of parenting? What if, what if ,what if.
I visualised my child and what he/she would look like, suddenly a whole lifetime of images raced through my mind of birthday party's,family days out, family nights in, being a mother being a grandmother it was overwhelming. I had been doing my usual gazing into space when Tommy interrupted my daydreaming. "Are you going to get out of the car?" I was brought down to reality and realised we had made it home.
Within seconds Tommy and I were standing in the kitchen, Tommy holding the test in his hands, me glaring at him for any reaction. It had been way too much for me to look at it myself and see the results and I wanted Tommy to tell me so I had launched the test at him after I had done my business.

And now we wait, Tommy glares at the test, I glare at him. My heart is pounding so fast and I feel like I'm about to faint, My jelly legs cant hold me up any longer, just breath, just breath god that's what someone might be telling me to do in "YOUR PREGNANT" Tommy screamed. "HUh?" I stared at the test and read the result PREGNANT and I was over 3 weeks gone according to the test so I could have been really far gone and not known?? 3 weeks is how far the test go's up to. So that was minimum. "Oh Im pregnant, I'm really pregnant? really I am I am I'm pregnant, what do I do? what do I ? errr I'm pregnant PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!
I have the coil, I cant be ,what about the coil? I have a coil I'M PREGNANT!


My words were coming out like bullets fast and scary. Tommy rested his arms on my shoulders looking down at me "Relax, its OK. Isn't this what you have always wanted? are you happy? I am."

"Yes of course I am happy I'm just in shock." Tommy was as cool as a iceberg, didn't even flinch. Even life changing situations like this he remained on the same level. I am glad one of us is able to control our emotions otherwise this would be a right nut house.

Anyway as I was pregnant, I had a copper coil fitted and I had been having cramps I was seen by the emergency out of hours clinic in Reading. The G.P there confirmed my pregnancy and booked me In for a scan first thing On that coming Monday morning.
Mum had come along with Tommy and I , she was concerned for me but over the moon at the idea of being a nanny.
After a few hours of complete emotional chaos It seemed things were settling down and sinking In. I was going to be a mummy.


I couldn't wait for Monday to come around but was also filled with dread of all the negative what ifs again. I was still scared to think I conceived on the coil when It is 98% effective. It was all rather a lot to take in.

As Monday arrived Mum, Tommy and myself made our way to the Royal Berkshire hospital. As we arrived into the emergency maternity clinic I recalled the last time I had been in there when I had lost my first baby. It only made me even more nervous.

I was that sucked up in fear I cant remember all events but what I do vividly remember will stay with me for a lifetime.

It was the sound of my babies heartbeat. As the lovely sonographer greeted me I felt at ease instantly, I wasn't aware this was the actual scan part as I had been in and out for various things for the past hour "just you we need" so unfortunately Tommy or mum what not able to share in the magical experience . I was given an internal scan and there on the screen a little dot of a baby shape could be seen along with a loud and proud pounding heartbeat. I was 7 weeks gone and 3cm away from that beautiful little miracle baby the copper coil could be seen.

The sonographer smiled down at me as tears streamed down my cheeks "This baby was obviously meant to be, baby has a really strong heartbeat congratulations ,"


I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life It is hard to find the words to describe it. I came running out of the scanning room grinning from ear to ear as I updated mum and Tommy on the news.

The excitement was short lived as I remember there was an obstacle in the way and It came in the form of a little copper coil. After speaking with the specialists I had a huge choice to make. I could continue with the pregnancy keeping the coil in or have it removed. Both held risks of miscarriage.

Mum Tommy and myself were sat in a tiny room with a team of medical staff giving me pages of statistics. There was a slightly higher risk of miscarriage if i had the coil removed but If I left It in not only was there a chance of miscarriage but also infection.

As mum asked a million and one questions I sat back In the chair In deep thought. I know me I am terrible at making decisions If I leave it in its going to worry me everyday.

"You don't have to make a decision now, You can have It done at your regular doctors surgery at a later date" One of the woman stated to me.
And pro long this agony ? I don't think so. So before I changed my mind and talked myself in and out of it for the rest of the night. I stood up, dropped my jeans and jumped over onto the bed "DO it please, just get rid of it!"


I lay back and I picture sat in nan and grandads garden on a glorious summers day and after a few swear words came popping out my mouth as I felt the sharpest pain I had ever felt in my life It was over and done.

The coil was out, I was OK and no complications followed I didn't even bleed a few spots which I was told to expect. At last I could celebrate this pregnancy all was looking so well.

I had occasional cramps which I was told was down to everything stretching and I felt nauseas everyday vomiting only once. My back ached and my breasts were so tender but I felt like the most blessed woman in this world and as the news got spread excitement and happiness was in the air. This baby would belong to not only us but all the members of both our family's bringing so much well needed joy after the death of our wonderful Nan, mother , friend Vera. My mum had lost her mum and now she would be a nanny herself for the first time.

As I stated earlier though life doesn't always bring the greatest of events and we are tried and tested in so many ways.
I thought that was it only happiness would remain.,we had over come the hard time. I was eager to have me 12 week scan and excited for Tommy to experience what I had 5 weeks earlier.

As I lay on the bed for my second scan baby could be seen. It had grown so much but was not "playing ball" according to the sonographer who could not get a proper reading as baby kept chucking his/her head back.
After several attempts I was told I was actually 13 weeks a five days. We were all laughing at the fact our baby was a pain before it was even born and when the women sent me off jumping up and down the hospital to try and get the baby to move I was in hysterics .When I returned baby hadn't budged and remained in its favourite awkward position so I was sent off again this time for a fizzy drink. On returning again I was told to cough and then jump up and down on the spot. I was laughing to myself at how stupid I must of looked.

"I wouldn't normally give it so many attempts but I have got a nuchal translucency reading which is coming up abnormal. You must not worry a lot of babies are given a high NT reading and our born healthy"

I was confused. I was aware that nuchal translucency was when they take the measurement of fluid from the babies neck to determine the likely hood of any chromosomal disorders such as down syndrome or any heart defects. A normal reading was around 2mm. as the number increases so does the likely hood of the baby having a disability.

The readings go as follows 2mm 2.1 ,2.2 .2.3, 2.4 , 2.5.ect .3.5 was in the abnormal zone so when I was told my baby had a reading of 4.5 I realised it was a rather high and concerning number. I had a blood test to check for any signs.

When I was booked in for another emergency scan which would be performed by a doctor the following week It was hard not to start thinking worse.

So now I play the waiting game. I wrestle with the ideas that my baby could or could not be disabled. I worry and I worry. I read up on everything concerning down syndrome and other disorders.


I'm stressed out and I'm heartbroken but I'm remaining as positive as I can be for the sake of my unborn baby.

---------- Post added at 22:18 ---------- Previous post was at 22:00 ----------

I only have 3 more days to wait until I will receive more results form the hospital and have my fate announced. I will be given another probability and if the risk is high enough offered diagnostic tests to confirm any disability my baby may have.


I do know that my decision as to what I do with that information will be based on the life my baby will have.

My decision will not be made for my own selfish reasons but for the quality of life our child will have.
As far as I am concerned If baby has downs but will lead a relatively happy life , I will be honoured to be its mother.

I understand our life's will be harder and baby will need special care and constant attention but isn't that what being a parent is about anyway? I will not love my baby any less or let others influence my decision.

I obviously hope and pray for a good outcome that I am carrying a healthy baby but if worst comes to worse and I am still left with a HAPPY baby who can still have a good quality of life then I'm a winner in all ways and will dedicate my life to being the greatest mummy I could ever be.

[yvonne_uk_98]

sorry to hear your not feeling great, hope you feel better soon.:hugs: Congratulations thats wonderful news and hope everything goes well.

I'm doing good. been busy really busy.