hi from a concerned girlfriend

[pixydust87]

Hi all I don't suffer with panic attacts my self but I am on hear because I would like some advice on how to support my bf who suffers with them.

We met 7 months ago and he had them befor he met me and when we got together he never had any, I stupidly broke his trust by talking to a guy at work behind his back and went round the guys house, it was all inocent and I would never cheat on my bf because I love him far 2 much, but since thehis panic attacks have come back on and its all my falt. I'm trying my best to help him but because of what I did, he feels that eveything I do is me being sneeky. He is a parinoid person but I've made him wose. We make a great couple. And he is attractive, funny, caring and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just want to help him in to trusting me and becoming less parinoid and stop haing so many panic attacks. Any advice would be very grateful and well apprechiated.

Thankyou
Pixy xx

[nomorepanic]

Hi pixydust87

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[Carys]

Hi there Pixy,

I presume that you have told him everything above, i.e. what you think of him, how much you love him, you want to spend the rest of your life with him etc. ?

I don't think you have really broken his trust have you...you only talked to someone and nothing romantic happened between you ?

[pixydust87]

No nothing happend but because I didn't tell him he keeps saying that I've slept with this guy and keeps brining it up in arguments and about my past ( because I wasn't faithfull to my previous partner he thinks I've done it to him) and can't understand why he's so special, he won't leave me at home to go to the hosp either, he goes quite alott because he gets anxious about his health and when I say I won't go he gets stroppy and thinks its because I have. People coming round and I'm trying to get rid of him, of course I bite back at come out with "theirs nothing wrong with you", " ur wasting the doctors time" which I know I shouldn't do because it just makes things worse.

I've told him on man occasions that he's the only one I want and that he's changed me for the better and I'm not the person I used to be, he's amazing to me and I wouldn't want to be with any one else, I want him to be the father of my baby, that should say alott to him.

[Stormsky]

First of all its not your fault hes having panic attacks , no matter what you did... he has to take responsibility for the way he reacts to things.... I recall years ago when i finished with a boyfriend, he took an overdose and blamed me.... How can i be responsible for the way he chose to react... I AM NOT... we have to be responsible for our own actions...
Your relationship wont go far if this is the way hes going to react everytime you even talk with someone of the opposite sex... you love him now , i mean you are in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship where nothing can put you off..and his reaction hasnt phased you in your feelings for him....but if this goes on for months, years, you will soon resent him (as someone who is not actually up to anything can only take so much) - he needs to deal with his feelings and anxiety... its hard to be in a relationship as a sufferer and hard too for someone being with a sufferer of anx...
Bringing up your past isnt a good sign for a future either... its your past, nothing to do with him...
You need to get this issue sorted and nipped in the bud now..
I know you want to hear positive feedback of how to reassure him, but to be honest with his anx/panic , i doubt you can reassure him im afraid... Its something he needs to get help with...

[pixydust87]

Yer I know he has to deal with his anx and parinoia but he didn't have it with me untill I spoke to that guy, yer he can't react the way he does but I just want to help him in some way. Admitadly we have more good times than bad and things are getting better. Yer I know he can't blame me and bring up my past like he does but its only ever in arguments. He's not a bad person and I want him to go to get therapy alone and together like couples councling. Reason by he can't trust me is because I told him their was 3 people thir at this guys house because I know he wouldn't let me go if it was just us 2, I've always had guy mates as I find guys better toget on with but because of that he keeps thinking I'm lying to him, ie who am I speeking to, why and I looking at this persons profile.

From not having anxienty my self I don't know what its like to live with that and I guess I just want to understand more.
I used to have depression and self harm so I kinda get a little bit about mental health isuses but I think its all about helping your self and I fort for 6 months to prove I was sain and to get my job back and I've not harmed since.

[Harribo]

If you lied to him saying there were 3 people there when there was only you and him of course he is going to ask questions and question what went on its only natural. If things are getting better even slowly then he is trying to control himself and let go of what happened, I don't agree with him bringing up your past though that's just him trying to hurt you. You sound like a lovely girl who is trying to help there partner and I'm sure he will get over it in time. Just be honest with each other enjoy each others company and have fun. That's what life is about. I hope he learns to let go and you are both happy.

-Harry x

[Carys]

but he didn't have it with me untill I spoke to that guy...or the next guy you talk to, or the next, or the next.....

50% of the population are male, and you can't avoid all of them incase he has panic attacks.

I think Stormsky is right, in his current state of mind there probably isn't much that you can do within the relationship to calm his fears. What about some relationship counselling to mediate ? Jealousy and paranoia of this kind is very harmful in a relationship, I can tell you adore him, but it will stifle you if the accustations continue and he doesn't trust you. Saying that, maybe going to this other guy's house, just the two of you, was pushing his ability to trust, especially so early in a relationship. You've said all you can say to reassure him and I think ,especially if he is going to the hospital with his anxiety, then it is time to go with him to the GP for some help ?

[pixydust87]

Thanks, I hope he let's go 2 because he is deffinatly the one for me. He knows how much I loves him so I hope he reads this post and takes note of the fact I went on to hear to find a way to help him and for our future.
Yes lying to him was the wose thing I have ever done and I will never forgive my self for that, I just hope that in time he lerns to trust and love me again like he did when we first got together because I miss that person he used to be sometimes.

[Carys]

Yes lying to him was the wose thing I have ever done

.....but you did it because you were worried about how he would react and you knew he would be upset/think the worst of you. Have you told him that ?

[Stormsky]

I do wish you the best of luck... having problems like this so early on in a relationship doesnt bode well in my opinion... but i can see how much you love him, and hopefully where there is love ,theres a way!

[pixydust87]

Yer I have loads of times but he said I should of told him the truth from the start and not lied to him. I totally get that he's anoyed with me and I know I can't change what I did, I just want to make it right with him

[Harribo]

.....but you did it because you were worried about how he would react and you knew he would be upset/think the worst of you. Have you told him that ?

Sorry cary you don't lie to protect someone in that sort of situation because I would of been the exact same to question her. Relationship is built on trust which means you don't lie or decieve someone simple and I'm sure if he went round a girls house where he said there were ''3 other'' people there she would of questioned it also. Simple. I hope your relationship works out as you seem lovely :) x

-Harry.

[pixydust87]

Thanks stormsky and every one else for ur advice it means alott that people give their advice to me :) and yes ur right where their is love their is a way, or wherw their is love their is a fight lol

[Carys]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carys http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/nmp/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?p=933809#post933809)
.....but you did it because you were worried about how he would react and you knew he would be upset/think the worst of you. Have you told him that ?

Sorry cary you don't lie to protect someone in that sort of situation because I would of been the exact same to question her. Relationship is built on trust which means you don't lie or decieve someone simple and I'm sure if he went round a girls house where he said there were ''3 other'' people there she would of questioned it also.I'm not agreeing with the principle of telling lies ! I'm not saying it was the right thing to do at all, but she KNOWS it was wrong and has made a mistake, and now that she has lied to him she needs to explain to him why she did it (which she has done). She needs to come clean, otherwise he will think she lied so that she could sleep with/have an affair with this other person.

[Harribo]

I'm not agreeing with the principle of telling lies ! I'm not saying it was the right thing to do at all, but she KNOWS it was wrong and has made a mistake, and now that she has lied to him she needs to explain to him why she did it (which she has done). She needs to come clean, otherwise he will think she lied so that she could sleep with/have an affair with this other person.

And what about if she has already told him and explained this? Things play on peoples mind and it takes a while for trust to be rebuilt its not an over night thing.

[Carys]

Sorry, I don't get your point here ?


Things play on peoples mind and it takes a while for trust to be rebuilt its not an over night thing.Yes, I am aware of that.


And what about if she has already told him and explained this?

I asked the question about if she had told him the real reason for lying earlier in the thread, before I knew she had already told him.