Feeling lonely even though I'm doing things

[theharvestmouse]

Since the new year started I have started doing a lot more social interacting. I've started doing yoga and an art class and I'm starting other sports classes next week. I know its early days and its been hard enough just going to these things and getting through without having an anxiety attack.

But my impatience gets the better of me, its because of a lot of time spent not doing things like this and because of my frustration. Even though I am doing these activities, as yet I just do not really talk that much to people, I just find it hard these days. In certain situations I'm ok, but when I'm in these classes I'm usually so focused on just getting through it that thoughts of trying to make conversation is hard.

My therapist said that it will take time, and that to begin with I should just be happy with going to these things and then work on improving my interacting later on. I think my deep fear is that I will just remain at a level where I go to things but never really open up and make friends. It just my nature to be shy and reserved and I often just feel that I can't talk to women of my age in certain situations. On one on one I'm ok but its like if there are any more people around I feel pressured.

I've been feeling partly good about the fact I'm getting out there, and enjoy the things I'm doing, but often when I'm driving home I just feel that I am just as lonely because I get home and get into an empty bed. I try to be positive and think that if I keep doing these social activities then one day I might meet women who are nice and want to spend time with me.

I know I am not alone in having these social problems, but sometimes it makes you feel so alone. I get days when I tell myself that if I'm still alone in 6 months time then I'll kill myself because I can't take it any more, its destroying me. Its horrible and on the good days I do see hope and a future but I worry that a day will come when it pushes me over the edge.

Sorry for a negative post but just feel down tonight.:unsure:

[sickandtired]

sending u a big hug.....:bighug1:
you sound a little like me at the moment....
now my PA,s have stopped and my anxiety has calmed,ive started to think.....would if this is a 'false sense of security' ? would if i dont get better? am i on the correct dosage? would if something else happens and im suddenly in turmoil again?
its hard to think positive after what you,ve been through...but try and give yourself some credit for what you HAVE acheived.......im sure the rest will follow......
when you,ve hit rock bottom.....the only way is up xx
take care

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks, at least it's not just me feeling like this, I have just referred to my CBT relapse notes and its helped make me feel a bit more positive.

I'm just impatient, and expect everything to happen quickly when I know it will take a lot longer and a lot more effort.

:hugs:

[snowgoose]

Hi :)

I get exactly what you are saying Harvestmouse .........so sending this :hugs:
BUT we are our own worst critics .....your determination and courage to challenge fear and go out and join art,yoga ,sport classes is something to be very proud of .........all of us here know that strength takes huge effort .
I agree with your therapist . You need to consolidate and build on the huge strides you have already made . I could not do it .
I truly believe that the social interaction will follow naturally . Time allows us to say hello one week ,smile the next .........maybe anyone fancy a coffee next week ? sort of progression .
Also a lot of us sensitive souls are loners at heart which does not mean we dont need company and love ..........but that we prefer one to one communication.
You are not alone in feeling shy in group chats :blush:........there are those that wait to talk and those who listen . no contest the listener wins .
You will find a lady to share your life with ......who will love you and admire your skills and kindness .
The places you have joined sound a good starting point for that .
If you can please look back at how far you have come already .....it is TRULY
the way to go and you did it !!!!

patience my friend ..............patience .

and please never ever get so low you dont post here or contact Samaritans .
or I will send out the no panic hounds to find you :hugs:

snow xx

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks snowgoose, that's good advice, you are right, I have made big strides and have come a long way.

I just want to say that to anyone who thinks "I couldn't do that", then you are wrong. Trust me if I can do it then so can anyone, you will find strength from within, I'm not saying it will go perfect but you will be able to go out there and do it. We all get setbacks but I'd rather have setbacks from trying and failing than not trying at all.

Thanks again.:hugs:

[Stormsky]

Thanks snowgoose, that's good advice, you are right, I have made big strides and have come a long way.

I just want to say that to anyone who thinks "I couldn't do that", then you are wrong. Trust me if I can do it then so can anyone, you will find strength from within, I'm not saying it will go perfect but you will be able to go out there and do it. We all get setbacks but I'd rather have setbacks from trying and failing than not trying at all.

Thanks again.:hugs:

There you go, youve said it yourself...thats the spirit, keep it up xx

[lauz_lea]

Harvestmouse - you've taken the first steps along the long bumpy road, and those are the absolute hardest. I hope you're really proud for what you achieved. I know how difficult it must have been for you, so I'm sending you a truly heart felt "Well Done".

Maybe an activity like a joining a walking group could help with socialising. In yoga, art classes and the gym people often stay quiet or keep themselves to themselves for one reason or another, but a local walking group (if there is one local to you) encourages natural social interaction. I've been looking for one in my area cause I love walking, it's great exercise and you only need to be as socialable as you want to be. If you don't feel up to chatting, you can put some headphones in and pretend you're listening to music ;)

[snowgoose]

Harvestmouse - you've taken the first steps along the long bumpy road, and those are the absolute hardest. I hope you're really proud for what you achieved. I know how difficult it must have been for you, so I'm sending you a truly heart felt "Well Done".

Maybe an activity like a joining a walking group could help with socialising. In yoga, art classes and the gym people often stay quiet or keep themselves to themselves for one reason or another, but a local walking group (if there is one local to you) encourages natural social interaction. I've been looking for one in my area cause I love walking, it's great exercise and you only need to be as socialable as you want to be. If you don't feel up to chatting, you can put some headphones in and pretend you're listening to music ;)

Lauz lea

that has struck huge chord with me .thank you.
not hijacking your thread Harvest but in times past I loved it. You are not face to face and somehow it is easier to chat side by side ......or just walk and enjoy the countryside and the birdsong. If you take binoculars or are silent people understand .

Through this thread Harvest you have helped me . funny old world and a fab forum .
xxxx

[sickandtired]

you,ve helped me too Laura x
i,d been toying with the idea of joining a walking club for ages.....but still done nothing about it....
a friend rung me earlier and told me about a big sale at 'go outdoors' where i can get some good cheap hiking boots
like i said in an earlier message Lauz...i need a new hobby.....this could be it?
the local walking club always go for nice walks through countryside.......i love this but am far too afraid to walk alone....i wont even go to the park alone.....
i need to join this club...... soon!!!! xx

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks Laura, thats a great idea, I find it much easier to talk to people outside and in a more relaxed environment. I've just found a walking group near me. :)

[robinbrum]

Hi Harvestmouse, seems to me you've done really well and I think your therapist is right in what she said. The longer you do these activities hopefully you'll become more accustomed to your surroundings and it may be easier for you to let your guard down and interact more with other people. As for the subject of women, us quieter guys have to try harder to compete with all those alpha males out there, I'm afraid...Have you considered the dreaded dating sites?

[theharvestmouse]

I've been on them in the past, not a big fan really, a few times I wasted time in emailing someone for a while and then they suddenly stopped. I'd rather meet people face to face.

---------- Post added at 08:18 ---------- Previous post was at 08:17 ----------

How about yourself Robin? any success on them?

[robinbrum]

I have tried them, with mixed success. If you're a bit shy it's a good way of making that initial contact, which is much easier I find than just approaching somebody in person. In real life life it can sometimes be harder to read the signals but online you know what you are both there for so to speak.
Anyway I am settling for the single life right now because dating can be stressful too!

[Danii]

I was in the same situation as you about 5 years ago. I lost my entire social life due to anxiety. I got it back after months of feeling completely alone, but the thing was it just kind of crept back in, when I wasnt expecting it or looking for it.

It's hard, but just being in public is a big step. I'm now the kind of person who will just walk right up to someone who's alone or quiet because I was there once, and I know how bad it is.

Maybe you could try to add on a solitary hobby in a public place. I made many friends through starting habits. I would go a bookstore every wednesday in the evening and sit and knit. Maybe you could get a coffee somewhere and read? I came to know the woman working at the register of the bookstore, eventually we went out for drinks and she introduced me to her friends.


Until that happens to you, just know you arent alone, even though you feel it. Someday you'll look back on today and feel that much stronger because you know you got through it. *hugs*

[Haybee]

am i right in assuming you never used to be able to go to any of these activities at all? but now you can? it sounds to me like you've come along loads from where you once were, and it looks like you are just going to keep progressing... you arent actively making much conversation at the moment, but not so long ago you couldnt even go to the class, and look at you now :) dont expect so much of yourself, i think going out and mixing with people is a great thing in itself, and the conversations and friendships will come in time. all the best to you and well done on your progress so far :)

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks Danii&Haybee, Great advice Danii, I'm a little way off being able to do as you suggest though, thats actually one of the things I find the hardest, something like sitting on my own in a cafe is near the top of my anxious moments.

Haybee, its a long story, I once was very social, went away to uni, had loads of friends, did lots of things, then everything changed when I developed bad anxiety/social anxiety. So all the things I am doing seemed impossible for me a few months ago.

That said I don't think I ever would have gone to a yoga class on my own even before I had developed the anxiety so now in some ways I am a more rounded person.

I am very hard on myself and impatient and expect everything to happen quickly, which is unrealistic, however I have felt much more positive since the new year and I know that if I keep up with doing what I am doing then I am bound to start making friends and hopefully meet someone to share my life with.:)