View Full Version : Lying #@%* of a boyfriend!!!!
Okay sorry for the title of my post but hey it best describes him!!!! So a while ago I posted about thinking my boyfriend was up to no good with other girls as he had old messages and a few pictures on his old phone of other women etc! We have been together for 7.5 years, since I was 13 so i am a little attached to him as iv'e pretty much grown up with him. Anyways so we had a chat when all this was going on and he gained my trust once again! please understand that I really love this man to pieces so it's really hard for me! he's always been a true gentleman to me (or so i thought) helped me through my anxiety and everything else which followed!
The problem is as he gained my trust I stopped 'snooping' on him (very ashamed about that) and our relationship had never been any better! So today I went to apply for a job for him..Like I usually do when he's at work if I see something good. And i signed on to his yahoo and there was a girl trying to chat to him saying..oooo long time no speak etc all that. So massive red flag and I looked under his conversations box and iv'e never felt so sick in my whole life!! loads of dirty messages to girls saying things which I can't repeat! I mean wtflip!!!! So I then snooped and found memberships to dating websites as he hadn't removed browsing history. Asking any girl who lives near him to 'meet up for fun'!
I mean am I over reacting? Even if he hasn't cheated he obviously wants to..right?? Iv'e never thought I could feel so ill as I do right now! I love him so much and every time I give him an inch he takes a mile!! I'm honestly disgusted in him. Sorry if I am rambling I am venting here lol but also every time I had a chat with him he makes ME feel bad!! and because I want to be with him so badly I just accept it. I know I shouldn't ever have breached his privacy but I did and glad I did! Please can somebody give me some advice. What should I say to him? It's becoming clear that maybe we shouldn't be together :weep:
Hannah (sorry for all that) x
---------- Post added at 12:15 ---------- Previous post was at 11:54 ----------
Really sorry if I came off a little too strong. I'm just so angry and anxious! also sorry if this is posted in the wrong place x
sickandtired
02-02-12, 11:27
im sorry but i think you already know the truth,he,s no good for you.I know you love him and it will hurt but,he is only going to make you miserable.......i,d run a mile!
you,ve got your whole life ahead of you and i wouldnt waste a moment longer with him.I know you say he helped you through your anxiety....but it sounds like he could actually be the cause of your anxiety now.
hope you find the strength in the next few months to make the right decision xxx
From a male perspective I can only say the same as sickandtired...I'm guessing he's early 20s and most men of that age want to "play the field" at some point(I know I did). Doesn't mean though that you can't stay together for the rest of your lives. Just expect more of the same if you do.
Best of luck though in whatever you do and I'm really sorry for what's happened to you.
Get out as quick as you can ! as you say, he may not have cheated on you YET, but he is actively trying to, and will when he gets the chance.
Dont discuss it with him as he will come up with some excuses about it just being fun, or his mate messing about on his PC etc..
Also, if you don't have trust in a relationship, it will never work out long term
Hannah
Im sorry, how horrible for you...
I found out about an ex in a similar way (that was 10yrs ago now) and I did get rid of him!! and so happy i did, as i am now happily married...
You have been together from such a young age, you dont know anything different, and the fear of change is scary...
And because he knows he can walk all over you, he knows how much you love him, and knows you put up with this, and he prob feels youll never leave him, so he feels he can do what he wants!
And im sorry to say a man like this wont change... Do you want a lifetime of this??
You deserve better, and deep down you know that.( i mean you wouldnt do this to him would you? inviting men to meet you for fun?)
Hes a clever man, when you question him, knows how to turn it around so your the one who feels bad !
If your with someone doing these things, with someone that makes you feel as sick as you do right now, then you are WITH THE WRONG MAN.
Someone who truly loves you would never make you feel like this.. and we wouldnt be having this conversation....
Good luck, dont let him get round you this time.x
bottleblond
02-02-12, 11:55
Nasty swine!!!! :mad:
Hannah trust me when i say, you don't NEED this man in your life. If there is no trust left in a relationship then i'm afraid the relationship is dead. You neither deserve this treatment or should allow it to continue.
Hold your head up high and bin the BLEEP!!!!!!
Lisa
xx
this will probably be my shortest and most succint advice on this site ever:
get. rid.
:)
Sorry to her this, I hope you do give him the shove! otherwise it could make you ill worrying about it all the time.
Just think you could have a fresh start and take some time for yourself and do some nice things. Then one day when your ready you will find someone that appreciates you xxx
Part of you might be thinking "But I shouldnt have been spying on him, he's everything ive ever known, things wont always be like this" and another part is probably saying the opposite. Thats why its so confusing when we love someone who hurts us, it often isnt black and white.
Ask yourself what you should do, and you will know deep down what is the right thing to do, it will feel like an inner gut reaction.
Ditto to all the other replies ! as for the 'spying on him', well, people tend to start doing that when they already don't trust people for valid reasons.
eight days a week
02-02-12, 20:26
Yes, as a sensitive person you might very well have picked up on 'guilty' signals from him that led you to be suspicious, it's completely understandable. I had that with my first love. Found a letter in her room about her messing around with another guy (we were only together a year and were only 15/16 so in the grand scheme of things it didn't make any long-term difference probably). I bought her excuses (silly me) but we split up not long after.
On the other hand I am very ashamed to say that (later on) I was also that guy who had a great girlfriend, but still couldn't help flirting (and, yes, playing around) :( I was too selfish, too insecure (attention from ladies made me feel good about myself) and also it's natural for many young people to want to try different experiences.
The challenge once you have put all this behind I think you is finding a relationship where you don't automatically assume or worry about the same thing. You might benefit from an extended time being single and feeling that you've grown stronger before your next relationship, I reckon, especially after so long with the same person.
Best wishes to you :)
hes already cheated on you hon, by doing the dirty messaging.
like the others have said you already knew this was going on and your suspisions have been confirmed, i caught my ex on a site called adult friend finder, and i bought his excuses.
dont fall for it, if he loved you he wouldnt make you feel guilty for trying to find out the truth. dont waist any more time hon i know you love him but look at what he thinks its okay to do you, do you really think he loves you?
:hugs:
Thank you all for such fantastic advice! We spoke yesterday and he understands that I am now deciding whether to end our relationship. Or whether to make another go of things. I'm just so hurt by his lies and I honestly don't know if I could forgive him and I certainly couldn't trust him again..well not for a very long time anyway! Thank you all so much again your advice had been very much appreciated x x
theharvestmouse
03-02-12, 17:41
Sad that he feels he needs to cheat on you, but you are better off without him.
Thank you all for such fantastic advice! We spoke yesterday and he understands that I am now deciding whether to end our relationship. Or whether to make another go of things. I'm just so hurt by his lies and I honestly don't know if I could forgive him and I certainly couldn't trust him again..well not for a very long time anyway! Thank you all so much again your advice had been very much appreciated x x
Lots of advice , but doesnt sound like you will be taking it!
Which i understand, love is blind after all... and youve spent most of your life with him, so change would be scary...
but believe me ONE DAY you will find the courage to see him for what he is and realise you deserve more... good luck though...x
If you can't trust him, then how can you 'make a go of things' ?
Hello,
I don't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do because only you can make that decision however the only thing I can say is this. My aunty found out about 2 years ago now that her husband was having an affair with her friend from work. He moved out and moved in with this lady, my aunty was needless to say devastated. Anyway about a month or so later he asked to come back and she took him back. She has never been the same, she doesn't trust him. She has looked through his phone etc I think and found he was still in touch with this other woman and even is giving her money. My uncle doesn't pay anything towards their house and my aunty is in debt now, maxing out credit cards. She has had to take another job just to afford everything. It's hard to see someone fall apart like that, she's a shadow of her former self. She doesn't trust this man and they have no relationship.
I guess what im trying to say that even though its hard to think of a life without your boyfriend isn't perhaps worthwhile thinking ahead and seeing yourself one day with a guy who will treat you right and not someone who will do this to you? It's hard now but in a few years you will look back and think you'd done the right thing because whether you are with someone or not you will be happy that you don't have someone in your life who doesn't respect you.
I hope you find the right answer for you xx
It never is the same once the trust has been broken once. You may think things are OK, but it will always be in the back of your mind, and anything he does will make you suspicious. For someone who is already anxious, this is going to make you worse.
dancinginthedark
05-02-12, 11:11
Hi Hannah
So sorry that you are being treated this way by your (supposedly) boyfriend? IMO guys that treat their SO like that are so disrespectful and creepy also they will never change.
I have experienced the heartache of finding a guy I was involved with chatting and arranging to meet other females online.
You are still young and I bet there is someone out there just waiting for you, to treat you as you deserve.
Hope this finds you a little better in yourself:hugs:
sickandtired
05-02-12, 11:39
dont waste anymore time with this idiot!
to think where I,d be now if I,d stayed with my ex......ugh....it makes me shudder!
Now Im with someone decent who I can trust 100% and we have 3 children.I heard allsorts of stories how my ex treat his new girlfriends after I threw him out.
Get some respect love.....find some strength,get rid of him and dont look back.....the ideal man is out there waiting for you.
Hiya
I was in exactly your situation a few years ago myself, I was with the person for 9 years married with two kids, he was my first real boyfriend and I thought the way he treated me was normal, after the birth of our second daughter he went on a fishing trip, I went to use the comp to submit a short story, my computer was being laggy so I used his, I typed in www.s (http://www.s) for the site and loads of sites come up including dating sites that he had visited, so I checked them out, I was sitting with my newborn on my knee and reading through his messages, some were dated the night my girl had been born so I had a look, it turned out he had met with a girl the day after my daughters birth, I had a c section and he didn't come to the hospital for two days after, his excuse was tired after a long day at work, now I knew differently, so what did I do about it? Not a thing, we argued and I took him back because despite his promise to be a better hubby, I had armed him with the realisation that he could do whatever he wanted without consequence.
After a few more years I got wise and left him, but it was really to late, I was a shell of the person I used to be.
I honestly do think that this situation that you are going through is worse then, say, meeting someone in a club etc, the fact that he has planned to have sex with someone else is so unfair to you, mistakes happen but searching the net is not a mistake although he will try to convince you, probably along the lines of, he was just curious, or you wasn't paying him enough attention and it just happened, he will never admit to you that if a girl had fallen for his charm than he would have met up with her. The problem you will now have is because he maybe hasn't had skin to skin contact he will not see what he has done wrong.
sorry for the long winded reply but you sound like me 8 years ago, I really hope you find the strength to leave because it will not get any better, he will just become better at hiding it.
If you need a chat pm me.
Jai x
Greenman50
06-02-12, 08:57
Thank you all for such fantastic advice! We spoke yesterday and he understands that I am now deciding whether to end our relationship. Or whether to make another go of things. I'm just so hurt by his lies and I honestly don't know if I could forgive him and I certainly couldn't trust him again..well not for a very long time anyway! Thank you all so much again your advice had been very much appreciated x x
My two pence worth .....
A quick mans perspective:)
If you do stay with him you need to fix what was broken first (if it was ?)
Ie....if you had a good all round relationship ,and plenty of nookie it wasn,t broken he is just a git and greedy for extra .......he won,t change .
If the physical side is not ok , you havn,t been getting on then you could work on this and things might be ok ..
fearlesswannabe
06-02-12, 09:48
Dear Hannah,
you are not overreacting. The guy is definitely not worth trying. I had the same with a guy for 7 years, we were on and off all the time but I finally told him to F*** off last year. It was sooooooooooooooooooo hard and sometimes I still think about calling him even though I have a great boyfriend but it was worth it. I finally have someone who treats me the way I want to be treated.
I am really sorry to hear that so many of you have had the same experience! I didn't realize how common this can be. The thing with my boyfriend (and please don't let this sound as though I'm standing up for him, because i'm not, actually I think he's a..... at the moment) but I know he really loves me, I've always known and that's why I have trouble accepting what he has done to me! I know he's done it and at the moment I have trouble looking at him i'm so disgusted with him. He's broken all trust and I'm still very unsure about what to do. My head is calling me a fool but I honestly love him to pieces. This is the worst situation and I honestly think all those ladies who have been brave enough to do what i'm struggling to do are amazing and I will try to be strong like them! Again thank you to everyone who had given advice x
The only person who can make this decision is you. I personally would not be able to trust him again, and that paranoia would be too much for me to take. There are good men out there who would not do that to you. Even if you are right and he does love you, that does not mean it is enough to stay with him. Do what is right for you. I would want some space from him if I were you, get out there, see what else is around. You are young. It must be so hard growing up with somebody though, as he is probably like family to you. Be good to yourself, as he hasn't been.
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