87beki
03-02-12, 04:53
Hi guys,
I started experiencing health anxiety 3 and a half years ago following the death of my mum and then witnessing my sister have her first ever seizure (she was later diagnosed with epilepsy and I was the only person with her at the time). From that moment on I became a totally different person from the one I was before, from never worrying about anything to the extent that I would do stupid things like taking drugs and climbing over balconies, to worrying about every single thing. I'm sure you all know what I mean so I won't go into details, suffice to say that since then I have been tested from brain tumours, heart diseases, cancer, you name it. Anyway, recently my anxiety has taken a frightening turn in that I am now alternately afraid that I am dying of something OR that I am goin to harm myself in some way. I must stress that I DON'T want to hurt myself, self harm, kill myself, anything like that. It is that I am afraid that I will, which makes no sense to a logical person. The upshot of this, and the reason that I am posting on here at almost 5am, unable to sleep through the state I have got myself into, is that on Saturday night I went out with friends and drank a lot more than I would usually do. I don't rememeber coming home or going to bed etc, very unusual for me. As I can't remember, my brain has decided to fill in for me and I am now petrified that I came in and took an overdose of something. There is a packet of Anadin, untouched, in my drawer, that I am aware of because I get headaches sometimes so that's why I bought them. However, having gone rummaging this evening, at the back of the drawer, under a pile of stuff, I have found a packet of paracetamol with 13 tablets missing. I have no idea how long they have been there for, and it is obvious even to me that it is HIGHLY unlikely that I came in drunk, went rooting in my drawer, ignored the obvious packet sitting there, found a packet that I wasnt aware of, randomly took 13, then put the box back again and hid it, before going to sleep. As I write I am aware of how ludicrous this is. And yet I have managed to convince myself that I am going to die of an overdose any day now. It is now 5 days (over 120 hours) since this would have occurred, and as today I have been feeling nauseous and had some right side pain I am absolutely convinced that this is the start of my body shutting down and dying. I would like to point out that it is not uncommon at all for me to feel nauseous or have pains in my side, its something I've been meaning to see a doctor about for some time, but as it is intermittent I haven't got round to it.
I apologise for the insanely long post but I am at my wits end, I don't know whether to stay up and ring the doctors first thing for an appointment, but if I did what would I even tell them? How can I reassure myself that I am going to be ok? I know nothing short of a normal liver function test will do, so my mind is telling me to get to the doctors asap and get one done. Help, I'm going insane :(
I started experiencing health anxiety 3 and a half years ago following the death of my mum and then witnessing my sister have her first ever seizure (she was later diagnosed with epilepsy and I was the only person with her at the time). From that moment on I became a totally different person from the one I was before, from never worrying about anything to the extent that I would do stupid things like taking drugs and climbing over balconies, to worrying about every single thing. I'm sure you all know what I mean so I won't go into details, suffice to say that since then I have been tested from brain tumours, heart diseases, cancer, you name it. Anyway, recently my anxiety has taken a frightening turn in that I am now alternately afraid that I am dying of something OR that I am goin to harm myself in some way. I must stress that I DON'T want to hurt myself, self harm, kill myself, anything like that. It is that I am afraid that I will, which makes no sense to a logical person. The upshot of this, and the reason that I am posting on here at almost 5am, unable to sleep through the state I have got myself into, is that on Saturday night I went out with friends and drank a lot more than I would usually do. I don't rememeber coming home or going to bed etc, very unusual for me. As I can't remember, my brain has decided to fill in for me and I am now petrified that I came in and took an overdose of something. There is a packet of Anadin, untouched, in my drawer, that I am aware of because I get headaches sometimes so that's why I bought them. However, having gone rummaging this evening, at the back of the drawer, under a pile of stuff, I have found a packet of paracetamol with 13 tablets missing. I have no idea how long they have been there for, and it is obvious even to me that it is HIGHLY unlikely that I came in drunk, went rooting in my drawer, ignored the obvious packet sitting there, found a packet that I wasnt aware of, randomly took 13, then put the box back again and hid it, before going to sleep. As I write I am aware of how ludicrous this is. And yet I have managed to convince myself that I am going to die of an overdose any day now. It is now 5 days (over 120 hours) since this would have occurred, and as today I have been feeling nauseous and had some right side pain I am absolutely convinced that this is the start of my body shutting down and dying. I would like to point out that it is not uncommon at all for me to feel nauseous or have pains in my side, its something I've been meaning to see a doctor about for some time, but as it is intermittent I haven't got round to it.
I apologise for the insanely long post but I am at my wits end, I don't know whether to stay up and ring the doctors first thing for an appointment, but if I did what would I even tell them? How can I reassure myself that I am going to be ok? I know nothing short of a normal liver function test will do, so my mind is telling me to get to the doctors asap and get one done. Help, I'm going insane :(