richtaz33
06-02-12, 17:00
hi thankyou for reading this deeply greatfull.
i have had depression for 6 years now and it has been fairly under control with medication. last year was really bad for me as i had a bad spell and went extreamly down hill. just before that i had been going through a fair amount of stress from work and buying my flat. Before i went down hill i was totally in love and engaged with a beutiful girl. First time i actually genuinly felt this way about someone etc. well last year out of no where my depression struck hard i woke up and had this thought 24/7 that i did not love my fiancee any more, i got upset and started crying i was numb. after 4 months it was still there and it was convincing me to break up as well. in the same period i was changing medication a fair few times as the original one had lost its effect. I talked to my fiancee as she new smething was bothering me and she found it hard to cope with. anyway in august i couldnt cope so i decidedto call our relationship a day, i was devistated i was even worse. Well 3 weeks later my new medication had started to kick in and it had felt like someone flicked a light switch on. I totally had fellings again for my family and my fiancee i knew what i wanted i wanted her and a life with her. So i asked if we could start again. Over the following months it was hard going she was understandably very cautious i just wanted everything to return to how it was. I was getting really frustrated as well, my parents were not helping by saying if she loves you then she would be over it by now. everyone else says no she is cautious because you have hurt her heart and it will take time. anyway all this and my work again stressing me out went on up to xmas. i still felt love and so just wanted things to be how they were and i was getting stressed and frustrated because of the parents and work and not being back to normal.
Two weeks before xmas i could feel something was wrong i could sense me going down again like tears brewing. a week later my fiancee punced on me with passionate kisses, great yeah? nope i went numb i started to cry because i didnt understand. From that day on my depression got worse and my automatic thougths started again that i did not love her. First i just felt numb again for a few weeks then 24/7 the thoughts started again that i didnt love her i was finding all her faults and reasons why i didnt lve her. I kept getting upset it was distroying and distressing me badly. xmas we called the doctor as i was going seriously off the rails. Well ever since right up till today i feel numb towards everyone and the thoughts are with me 24/7. I saw the specilist and she is changing my meds again. But i dont understand i can laugh with her and be ok being with her but the thoughts and feelings are there and wont go away even if i am not around her they are there.
I get panic attacks and cry mixed occasionaly but mainly upset, my back aches and i get occasionally head aches, i am in the loo loads. I get other symptoms mixed from one day to the next/ moment.
I am confused and fed up. last night we went to pub and had a laugh i was really laughing but i couldn t feel the connection there of that i loved her. the thoughts started again. i dropped her off and the thoughts had gone i wanted to feel the connection and love again but it wasnt there she kissed me and i felt nothing. she said dont worry its ok you will get there. so i drove home and it all started again i wake up this morning and it all starts again. I wake up depressed and feel tearfull, no appetite paulpertations and anxiety etc the thoughts start again on everything with her. It lasts all day but i can laugh at work and appear happy but i am crying in my head at the same time. I get home from work and i am not really interested or care about my family but i act and come accross as if everything is ok. almost as if i feel normal but i am not becasue of all day. I feel tearfull when i get home i feel light headed etc and not really interested. So i am confused and fed up because it always happens to me. I lost my last relationship because of this. Now i feel convinced i dont love her anymore but i feel upset etc. Please help and help me find clarity. and that its my depression and i need to wait to get my meds straight etc and i am like this because my depression has kicked in because of all the stress from my parents and work etc from last year and my meds were not working. I just want to go back to how i was 2 years ago before all this started.
was last night just my brain having a rest from full on depression.
between xmas and now i have been lacking in interest in work i had changed jobs twice as well. i am tired allot and irritable allot and get angry easily as well.
please help i dont know what to do anymore i am confused and fed up. has anybody else been like this.
I just want to be normal again and everything to go back to how it was before last year.
any thouthts thanks for reading
i have had depression for 6 years now and it has been fairly under control with medication. last year was really bad for me as i had a bad spell and went extreamly down hill. just before that i had been going through a fair amount of stress from work and buying my flat. Before i went down hill i was totally in love and engaged with a beutiful girl. First time i actually genuinly felt this way about someone etc. well last year out of no where my depression struck hard i woke up and had this thought 24/7 that i did not love my fiancee any more, i got upset and started crying i was numb. after 4 months it was still there and it was convincing me to break up as well. in the same period i was changing medication a fair few times as the original one had lost its effect. I talked to my fiancee as she new smething was bothering me and she found it hard to cope with. anyway in august i couldnt cope so i decidedto call our relationship a day, i was devistated i was even worse. Well 3 weeks later my new medication had started to kick in and it had felt like someone flicked a light switch on. I totally had fellings again for my family and my fiancee i knew what i wanted i wanted her and a life with her. So i asked if we could start again. Over the following months it was hard going she was understandably very cautious i just wanted everything to return to how it was. I was getting really frustrated as well, my parents were not helping by saying if she loves you then she would be over it by now. everyone else says no she is cautious because you have hurt her heart and it will take time. anyway all this and my work again stressing me out went on up to xmas. i still felt love and so just wanted things to be how they were and i was getting stressed and frustrated because of the parents and work and not being back to normal.
Two weeks before xmas i could feel something was wrong i could sense me going down again like tears brewing. a week later my fiancee punced on me with passionate kisses, great yeah? nope i went numb i started to cry because i didnt understand. From that day on my depression got worse and my automatic thougths started again that i did not love her. First i just felt numb again for a few weeks then 24/7 the thoughts started again that i didnt love her i was finding all her faults and reasons why i didnt lve her. I kept getting upset it was distroying and distressing me badly. xmas we called the doctor as i was going seriously off the rails. Well ever since right up till today i feel numb towards everyone and the thoughts are with me 24/7. I saw the specilist and she is changing my meds again. But i dont understand i can laugh with her and be ok being with her but the thoughts and feelings are there and wont go away even if i am not around her they are there.
I get panic attacks and cry mixed occasionaly but mainly upset, my back aches and i get occasionally head aches, i am in the loo loads. I get other symptoms mixed from one day to the next/ moment.
I am confused and fed up. last night we went to pub and had a laugh i was really laughing but i couldn t feel the connection there of that i loved her. the thoughts started again. i dropped her off and the thoughts had gone i wanted to feel the connection and love again but it wasnt there she kissed me and i felt nothing. she said dont worry its ok you will get there. so i drove home and it all started again i wake up this morning and it all starts again. I wake up depressed and feel tearfull, no appetite paulpertations and anxiety etc the thoughts start again on everything with her. It lasts all day but i can laugh at work and appear happy but i am crying in my head at the same time. I get home from work and i am not really interested or care about my family but i act and come accross as if everything is ok. almost as if i feel normal but i am not becasue of all day. I feel tearfull when i get home i feel light headed etc and not really interested. So i am confused and fed up because it always happens to me. I lost my last relationship because of this. Now i feel convinced i dont love her anymore but i feel upset etc. Please help and help me find clarity. and that its my depression and i need to wait to get my meds straight etc and i am like this because my depression has kicked in because of all the stress from my parents and work etc from last year and my meds were not working. I just want to go back to how i was 2 years ago before all this started.
was last night just my brain having a rest from full on depression.
between xmas and now i have been lacking in interest in work i had changed jobs twice as well. i am tired allot and irritable allot and get angry easily as well.
please help i dont know what to do anymore i am confused and fed up. has anybody else been like this.
I just want to be normal again and everything to go back to how it was before last year.
any thouthts thanks for reading