why cant i do it?

[Wannabeloved85]

I dont class myself as a negative person. I try my best to pass on positive vibes. Apparently ive done ok at this because my mum is no longer totally housebound, she can go to the shop,my sisters house,neighbours and no longer panics at home.
But im still here! I'm constantly moaning because i dont go outside, yet i wont do anything to change it! I have a therapist who comes out every week and she tells me to do little steps etc, and yes i started fine, but i stopped and only do the odd little bit now. I dont lie to her and tell her ive done loads, i just say ive done some, and add a couple more attempts on to the list.
I wont try as i know ill panic, yet im home and still have the odd panic day. I KNOW i cant avoid panic {even though its a little late for that, im homebound!} yet i still hide from it!
I thought id be out of this mess before my 18th. im still here and in 3 months its my 21st. In 9 months its my dads 50th, I promised id be out by then a couple of years ago to take him for a big meal. He doesnt think it'll happen, but he's hoping for some occasion, outside the home as a family.
I just dont know where to turn, what to do etc etc. Im at a stand still. I know what i should do and i know what i wont do! thats proberbly my problem. Im not strict enough with myself. I just....oh i dont know. Im 20 years old for christ sakes, never dated,partied,had a massive shopping spree, had a job or been on holiday {apart from a school trip} I want my life to start, but i wont do anything to start it! At this rate, ill still be sat here at 60 years old, waiting for panic to harm me, and it never will. I KNOW THAT. yet still i wont change. [V]
Any advice? anything at the moment will do! Im so desperate. The frustration is really annoying. You'd think the frustration would get me started, get me to make that first step, but it doesnt! i know what im a afraid of, ppl and ppl and being away from home, losing my family, being alone forever....i could go on, im not alone when it comes to fears.
Im blabbing!
Thanks for reading guys
Becci x

[suzy1984]

Hi Becci
When I read your post I could really identify with your situation, im 21 and have suffered with anxiety & panic attacks for 2 years.
Its great that you were able to help your mum out by being positive, maybe you could help & support each other if you are both in similar situations?
Try not to focus on the big things you want to do like going out for your dads birthday as those kinda things seem like mountains to climb, just take one day at a time & try to push yourself if u feel you can. Set yourself little goals & focus on how much you really want to do this & the sense of achievement you will feel once you reach your goals. I think we all have a lot more strength than we realise & even though its hard the sense of achievement can be amazing.
Have you tried any meds or herbal remedies just to give you a bit of help to get started? My bottle of rescue remedy never leaves my side!
Im no expert but i just wanted to tell you whats helped me & let you know you arent alone in feeling frustrated by all this. It sounds like you know all the theory you just need to put it into practice & you can do it even though you might not believe it. Try not to beat yourself up about it as that will only make you feel worse
Hope things improve for you.
Love
Suzy xx :)

[andrew]

hi becci,
it sounds like most things are gonna make you anxious. no doubt at some point you've felt that anxiety, not liked it and now just automatically avoid the chance to feel that way again.
maybe you need to be the one running your own recovery. i think you need to push yourself harder. push yourself into anvious situations, learn that it wont kill ya, you've got support to help make sense of it all and you know alot yourself. i think you'll find a way out, tc .. andrew

[brenda]

Hi Becci
I would recommend that you read some books.
Claire weekes has some really good books and I am just reading one now.
Take small steps like just going out the door and back in.
I know where you are coming from as I was just like you.
Planning on going to a party etc is just too much.

Also its scary thinking about getting better. I am scared about it cause I think I will have to do things that I cant do at the moment.
Obviously thinking wrong there cause I will do them when I am better but I am still scared

If you want to chat send me a PM

Pam x

[clickaway]

Becci,

My advice is to not dwell on these upcoming events and be spontaneous rather than plan ahead.

Numbers like 18, 21 and 50 are just that, numbers. You will be able have a good quality of life at any age, and you have several years ahead of you of being so young. To put things into perspective, I would just love to be 10 years older than yourself again!:D

Its great that you are getting professional help and the trick is to do these things in small steps; tackle things only as far as the pain threshold but not beyond that.

At your age, I too shyed away from dating and parties, but you will progress and rediscover what you want to do, and you will achieve your goals given time.

Cheers,




Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[Wannabeloved85]

Hey guys,
Thanks for your kind words. Pam, bout the books..i have a libary! wanna borrow one or 12? lol i have so many! anything from claire weeks to napolean hill! ive had to stop buying as i dont have space or cash to get any! there are loads of options available,book wise, but im sure theres a couple ive missed lol Im good at reading it all, its putting it into practise!
My mum's agreed to walk with me to get me started, sop we'll see how all that goes.
Becci x

[brenda]

HI Becci
I was watching Paul McKenna helping a lady with agoraphobia and what they did was walk a short distance and if she felt anxious turn and go back a few steps then try and go on again. Keep trying to do a little bit more.
I'm sure u will get there in the end

Hugs
Pam x

[Wannabeloved85]

hi pam, i watched that paul mckenna show. was a good one! she did really well with all that! I know i shouldnt, but i always feel silly when i turn back! i feel fine walking there, like almost normal! then i get anxious when i know i have to turn back eventually. And thats when the panic sets in. KNOWING ill look foolish for just turning around! and its not like i can think, oh theyll think i forgot somethign cos ALL the neighbours knows our family 'issues' {when dad argues, he makes it nice and loud so ALL hears, and incase anyone missed it, he shouts it twice then goes out front and shouts it on the street, i think its an authorative/power thing he has. knowing were lost without him} But i think they'll talk more if im still here in 10 years without even trying, so...ill give them sommat to tlk bout! {oooooh i think i see my positive side coming out!} HERE COMES BECCI! lol
Thnx guys
Becci x

[brenda]

HI Becci

I have stopped worrying about what the neighbours think of me.

I used to worry about it.
How much do you think about your neighbours and what they do?
Everybody lives mostly in their own little world.
They dont think about you and what you do unless it affects them in some way. Its human nature.
They wont talk about you in 10 years if you are still there.
S** the neighbours. Give them a laugh. Try and be positive and if you see them looking make a funny comment. THink of something to say in advance.
Humour helps :-)

Hugs
Pam x

[Piglet]

Becci hun I really indentified with your post I too need a bit of a push to make the effort - it just seems so much easier sometimes to give in and just stay at home.

I too have spent far too much time wondering if the neighbours are thinking what the hell is she doing walking to the end of the road and turning back - I actually give myself way more credit there - how interesting do I think I am to people with these little journeys.[:I][:I]:D

What about walking down the road at night when its dark to help start you off. Or could you walk with your mum on her little outings???

You will do it hun - when you want it badly enough, as we both will.

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Wannabeloved85]

I did actually start with the night scene. went ok. Mainly cos i had 2 friends who would sit out fronts with me, we'd chat,giggle etc and wed walk up and down the street. But then they paired off :( eventually on ma todd!
When it comes to neighbours though, its not so much the adults that bother me,they do but not as much as the teenagers! or ppl my own age. epecially guys for some reason {thats the first time ive said that!} guys...hmm just feel embarrassed. and theres a couple of girls that left school and got all the nice clothing, working,dating. look down at ya! girls have so much competition, dont we?! EVERYTHING matters! My image,to me, is mportant. but in a weird way. i wont go out looking like i just got out of bed, but i wont go out looking my utter best! strange lol i dont want ppl to notice a change. anything that will cause ppl to look!
Im just gonna have to go out and think big headed lol. impossible! so cant do that. But i can go out, thinking im as equal as everyone else!
Becci x

[Wannabeloved85]

:( still noting happening. mums promised shell get me started on walks with her, that was 2 days ago. nothing happening my sis dumped my nephew on us AGAIN and now mum wont go out cos she has baby. like you cant take a baby for a walk down street and back. like now! shes rocking hi to sleep in the pram in the room, could be down street!. builders are across road and its cold, excuses excuses!

[PUGLETMUM]

hello becci, you will do it when your ready, sometimes it takes a very long time to work out how to get yourself out of a rut, and once you have decided to it actually takes a long time to turn your life around, this stuff does not go overnight. i can make a big long list of the things i have'nt done by myself with my husband or together with our daughter as a family, and sometimes i do, but where does it get me and what does it change? NOTHING you are deciding to carry on and live your life despite the fact that you are unable to live it how you want, you have to take credit for that to yourself as a human being, it is'nt easy living like this but you are doing it so you are strong! now you need to work out how to get what you want out of life all the best emmas

[Wannabeloved85]

*just a quick update*
Things are finally back on track. Ive made a move and now go out for just that little walk atleast 3 times a day. its going really really well. ive had two lil set backs, but i not letting them stop me!
Nigel, i wanna say thanks for your posts, it was so friendly and soo true! il get back to ya with those lotto numbers!
Thankyou guys soo much for the messages.
Becci x

[brenda]

HI Becci
SO glad that you are managing to get out a bit.
I know its hard. I've been there and done that.
I still have problems going very far but am working on it.

Have you read any Claire weekes books? They tell you how to just let the symptoms do their worst. Its hard but when you are no longer so fearful of the symptoms that the anxiety causes it does help

I am also reading a book call THe Anxiety cure by Robert L DuPont and it is brilliant. tells you all about how your brain works and what happens to cause the symptoms.
he also says that anxitey is a disease just like any other illness which made me feel better about myself.
I know that my brain is causing the symptoms but he gives you tips for coping with them

Hope that helps a bit and keep up the good work

Hugs
Pam x

[Wannabeloved85]

im glad you mentioned my steps lol cos everytime i go, i aim to go one house further! which is good for me really. I take my lil puppy aswell,keeps me distracted!
As for the claire weekes books, i have it. i have loadsa books lol. becci x
p.s the lotto numbers, i'd go with the ones in the tv show lost! apparently they the most played numbers since it aired! which i expected!

[Piglet]

Becci - a really well done to you here - these little trips are a fantastic confidence boost and a great platform to work from.

I am gonna do exactly the same hun, to get myself out on my own too.

We will get there :D:D:D:D

Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Wannabeloved85]

Keep us up to date with hw you do piglet! Its a difficult step at first, but its easier after that! The bumps/blips in the road soon stretch out.
Becci x

[carol1969]

Try to take small steps everyday thats what i've started doing. I will nip to the local shop but its the nearest shop and i am going to try going to the one further away today because its a better shop.
Carol x

If you have peace of mind you have everything

[INDUCED REVELATIONSauthor]

Hi Becci,

Hang in there! It seems clear to me that you do not need (1) more books on anxiety or (2) herbal remedies. In my opinion what you do need is Xanax. You may have to shop around for a doctor that will prescibe it, but I think this is what you need. ASK YOUR DOCTOR FOR A PRESCRIPTION. Tell them that you have done extensive research and you want to try it.

Regards,
Chris
http://www.xanaxpanicdisorder.com/home.html

[mirry]

mmmmmmmmmm

I wouldnt lie to a doctor saying ive done extensive research asking for something I know nothing about !

mirryx

[nomorepanic]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Hi Becci,

Hang in there! It seems clear to me that you do not need (1) more books on anxiety or (2) herbal remedies. In my opinion what you do need is Xanax. You may have to shop around for a doctor that will prescibe it, but I think this is what you need. ASK YOUR DOCTOR FOR A PRESCRIPTION. Tell them that you have done extensive research and you want to try it.

Regards,
Chris
http://www.xanaxpanicdisorder.com/home.html

<div align="right">Originally posted by INDUCED REVELATIONSauthor - 09 July 2006 : 16:16:44</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Chris

I am sure you mean well but this is not a good idea.

We shouldn't be telling people what meds to take and I am not even sure if that one is available in the UK.

I also thought that you had memory problems whilst on it?

Nicola

[Wannabeloved85]

Thanks for the advice chris, but medication is something i refuse to take. i have also heard xanax to be a bad drug for many, wonder for others. it was on tv last year or so, many,many people came forth with their stories about the drug.
And nicola is right, its bigger in america, in the uk i think it is now not available, but it was at one point. Its not the first time ive been told about this drug, a friend in usa also nearly posted one to me!! i had to explain to her that i wont take and not one for tempting my fate with other ppl's meds!
Becci x

[Wannabeloved85]

I am so P'd off!! ok, jealous! But seriously, it gets to me! Im almost 21 and a neighbour, shes 17, has just got herself a car to add to her perfecto life! Shes got the bf,the job, the dog....Its so.. . . aggitating?! I have a seriously sick little green monster on my shoulder right now!
I got so angry i had to just do something! so... i cleaned :( I should have gone for a walk, but not while she's out there cleaning her lil perfecto car.
Ok, i dont know for sure that her life is perfect, but from the outside, it sure look it!
Anger/jealousy, its so motivational!
One thing that doesnt motivate me, is my neighbour who always emarrasses me! he keeps saying ishould of been a model and its so embarassing cos im no kate moss!! theres nothing to me, so i go all embarrasses and then ppl start pointing out that im red just as im trying to cool myself down, so i go even more beetroot!
*sigh* not been out much either the past few days, too hot!but i will catch up. Im tired and wanna give up, but i wanna show everyone that i can do it, that i can have my lil perfecto car and flat and doggy etc!
I know this post isnt exactly having a point, but i wanted to vent,so to speak and i didnt see the point in starting a new thread for the sake of this, so i used my old one!
Take care guys, and enjoy the sun whilst we have it! i love these 20's temperture, but gimmie a 29-30, im indoors! I dont think we have much let, this is britain!!
Becci x x x

[RunsFromBugs]

Hi Becci,

Hope venting helped you feel better. It really helps me sometimes. This might sound too pollyanna but have you talked to this neighbor girl? She's close to your age, mebbe you could then have a friend who lives right next door. None of my friends have anxiety probs and sometimes I get jealous of them for not having to work so hard just to drive down the street. But I know, as you also stated, that they probably have their own set of issues which they might feel are worse than anything I'm dealing with. And try to remember that panic is a fixable mental illness. It's not easy but you can get there. Do you have any friends who can walk with you since you're having trouble getting your mom to do so?

[Wannabeloved85]

Hi runsfrombugs,
I have actually spoke to her before! She used to go out with my brother, we dont really get on, she's too snotty for my liking lol. sound evil i know! But she's just not my kind of friend! she's just "its all me!, me! , me!"
I did have friends, i used to sit out with them and have a little wonder but, to cutt a long story short, they paired off, moved in together, broke up, made up, we were all friends again, then they fell out, now shes run off to stockton or some other place! And the other dude, is a neighbour and i can only just manage a hello to him, cos hes a handfull!
Oh well!
Becci x x x

[Shadowwin]

It's something I've noticed about Anxiety Sufferers.. We are abolutely wonderful at helping other panic sufferers through their attacks.. but we absolute suck at helping ourselves honestly all of us in our own ways are experts on attacks, thesteps tp get through one.. and we are a great support network and cheerleader for everyone else.. but whenit's our turn even though we know all the information.. have studied every piece of information.. talked to the doctor, helpedothers we can't seem to keep ourselves from being overwhelemed.

I think in a way it's because we end up frustrated..because we do know so much about it.. we do everything we would tell someone else to do but for some reason it never or rarely works.. maybe what we are lacking is our own personal cheerleaders to help us along or giveus that push we need when we are scared..or maybe I'm totally off base..

I know the two things that help me when I'm anxious.. is handwriting in a book it takes so much concentration and I always find myself following the natural curves and lines of the words I pen because lets face with the advent of computers the handwritten word is not something we do every day anymore.. in fact when you think about it unless you have a job that requires it the only time most people ever write by hand anymore is when they are faced with something requiring a signature.

The other thing that helps is distraction.. word games and puzzles seem to do it best for me at least gets my head off the what if's and on to the hmm this is a challenge.. immediately seems to put me in control of the situation and myself.

But I think the most important thing about recovering is being your own cheerleader.. when the voice in your head is saying Helllll no I can't do it.. or I'm just going to panick.. or what if what if.. of course it's going to be a negative expierence..

Other than that don't give up.. I've tried and ended up back at square one 4 times now (Including what just brought me back to the board tonight) being the 4th time) Eventually we will figure it out.. we will find the way to over come it.. and hey even if we don't at least we can feel good about helping others.. and for giving it our best shot.

*hugs* Good Luck to You
~Shadowwin

[net]

don't try to run before you can walk i suffer panic attacks and have done since i was 17 i am now 41. someone said go out the front door and back in thats what i did then it was down to the gate. i have set backs but at the moment am doing ok when i feel an attack coming on i do deep breathing my mom helped as i couldnt leave the house alone so she would go everywhere with me and my friends did the same. dont give up

[Wannabeloved85]

Thanks for the replies guys!
Sadowwin~you are SOOOO right! i can say it all,even write it all down and say, IM DOING IT! Then you get that overwhelming stab of fear!
Net~ Small steps, lead to bigger goals, You are so right with your post!
Sometimes ill wake in the morning remembering a dream i had, being out in a market shopping or on holiday etc etc, and ill sigh and feel hopeless, cant do it etc. Then ill look at my positive notes on my bedroom mirror, small steps can take you places!
Becci x x x

[Piglet]

Becci,

Hi hun - I just wanted to tell you where I am up to since I last posted.

The day after that last post I decided to take myself in hand. I started off by walking 2 houses away (by daylight as you already know I manage fairly well in the dark) I did this for a few days and then kept building it up house by house over the next couple of weeks.

I have now got to being able to go practically to the top of my road one end (about 20 houses) and right to the end of the road the other way (about 8 houses) and around the corner (another 4 houses)!!!

Lol - do you get the feeling I am counting alot of the time :D:D:D

I have done this now consistently since we last spoke.

Some things that have been helpful for me

1. The Nopanic telephone course and the support from some of the people I met on there - as we now keep in touch by telephone cos the course has finished. One of these people is a new member on here called ghandi who you may identify with as he is near to your age. This course got me out the house and very happy to spend hours in the front garden. The initial stepping stone - if you like!

2. Hearing someone say that no one gets good at anything without putting the practice in - this is so very true, they likened it to David Beckham when he first kicked a ball, if he hadn't endlessly practiced he wouldn't be nearly the talanted footballer that he is. I now view my daily outings as practice sessions.

3. I take a stepometer with me to measure the amount I do.

4. It has also been suggested to me to get a walkman/mp3 player etc - listening to music etc can be fantastic distraction. Thats one I aim to do as soon as I have some spare cash.

Keep at it hun - I will keep you posted on how I go.

Baby steps and no time limits being the theme.

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Wannabeloved85]

That is fantastic news!! WOW! WELL DONE!!! youve done unbelievebly well.
I have an mp3 player, it does help. I have a pretty expensive one at the minute, i got it at christmas, but my favourite mp3 player i bought from netto at £11!!! lol i loved that lil thing!
Im so glad your doing well! I think ill have to try myself somemore, this hot weather put me back, as well as that vertigo a couple of weeks back. I have therapy again tomorrow and she always manages to raise my spirits.
Another thing though, do you find if you see anyone you know or walk beside someone else, you panic? im used to going alone, and when someone walks beside me or stops to chat i sorta freak! im just not used to it!
Becci x x x

[Piglet]

Well I am working on the speaking to people when I am out too!

For the first week or so I didn't see anyone but last week I did a few times and managed to have conversations both times. I think it helped that I had quite made my mind up that should I feel panicky, then I am actually going to say so. Half the problem for me is the trying to hide how I feel, so now I am not going to.:D

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Twila]

Hello Wannabeloved, Glad you are doing better. I liked your idea about taking your puppy with you on your walks. My little dog is my best friend she follows me everywhere, when I am having Panic Attacks, she is right there to comfort me. Try not to worry what other people think of you. you seem to me to be a great person. As you can see alot of us of some kind of problem. I go outside and give myself a pep talk when I am scared, to heck with the neighbors. This forum will help you. Everyone is so great. Have faith in yourself. Good luck!!:D:D:D Twila

[Wannabeloved85]

Piglet~ i actually got stopped by a neighbour the other week, she wanted to see the dog, she's old so she like to talk to anyone for company, problem is, she can talk for hours! Bless her! I paicked at first,then relaxed. THEN! bout a week later, i was walking past her house and heard knocking, i was determained not to look, thinking it isnt for me, no one knows me really! i heard the knocking 3 times and ended up looking, there she was, waving from the window! GREAT.... IM BEING WATCHED! i was a nervous wreck! i managed back to the garden, i sat there and played with the dog so i didnt look like i was hiding! 4 days later she comes round to say how proud she was of me! felt a lil embarrassed though.
I blush aswell, big problem! i get paranoid! Especially with the neighbour over the road, he's like 40 and looks like that chap who sung that song"im too sexy for my shirt.....!" He was one of the main reasons i stopped going out front. He always pulled moonies in the window and everyone would point to me and say, awww she blushing. WHAT YOU EXPECT!!! But seriously, i HATED it. I found it vulgour{dunno if that spelt right, or even right word lol} He doesnt come across as a guy who would be like that, A family man with 2 childeren. He always messes about with my dad, saying he's gorgeous etc {its like a joke thing they have} and then he'll go on about how i look soo much like my dad and should be a model, its embarrassing, then i blush and everyone points saying "your beetroot" I HATE IT! it makes me panic like crazy. I know its a compliment, but i think its a crossed wire in my head! i must be linking the moonie and the compliment together! lol I avoid the guy all the time!
WOW! im rambling!
Twila~ Thanks for your post. Dog's really are mans best friend arent they?! I was reading claire weekes book earlier and i found a section that explains about props, apparently a dog on a leash is a prop and it shouldnt be used. i am fully aware that im using cassie {my puppy} as a 'distraction' but seriuously, if we all 'listened in' on our anxiety, wouldnt we all be fleeing zombies?!! i listen in on my anxiety now, its like a bad habit, because its all i know! so if i can distract myself to actually think of something else, im gonna!
Sorry its long and blabby!
Take care guys
Becci x x x
P.s My mum had a lovely chat with our neighbour the other day aswell, she was talking bout how she had washed all 25 pairs of her new bloomers! and they were all out the on the line as evidence!

[Piglet]

Oh Becci hun that post had me chuckling away.

I love it when you describe life in your street - you do it so well, very dry. Don't know bout being a model hun (alhough I expect your gorgeous) but you deffo have a way with words, so perhaps you should write instead.

Wishing both you and your mum every success in dealing with your different stages of agoraphobia.

Love Piglet xx



"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Wannabeloved85]

Lol piglet, i could write a whole novel on my neighbours! Heck, i even know theyre shopping days! {its called neighbourhood watch! i do the watching part } I live on a coucil estate, its way better than it was when we first moved up here 8 years ago. We have the 17 year old across the road who insists on being a virgin even though shes 5 months pregnant, the jackyl and hyde up the street who flips out if you didnt see her whil your head was down mowing the lawn, the neighbours who dont get up till 3pm and let theyre 3 dogs out at 7pm { those dogs can really hold their bladders, must be a bladder dog breed} the ex agoraphobic next door who was housebound for bout a year or so i think, dont really talk to her though, she just wont talk to me, only my parents! who else we got? . . . . hmmm. . . oh yeah the couple bout 2 doors down over the road, who like to make out at the front door, lovely to see on a sunday morning!
Dont think our family house perfect though! ours is probebly the wierdest of all!
Becci x

[Piglet]

:D:D:D:D:D

You could write a sitcom like The Royale Family - did you ever watch that a couple of years ago.

Piglet x

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Wannabeloved85]

never seen the royal family,no. Not really a tv fan. well, not british stuff, more american sitcoms. I did watch that series about a council estate, er forgot what it was called, but was bout a typical council estate, ofcourse it was WAY over exaggerated, we dont really take wondows out and sit on a settee with binculars and 12 carling, nor do we sleep with the drug dealer to get a 'hit'. Not on thursdays anyway!

Ive just spent all morning cleaning mums cupboards out! my OT was due at 2pm, she never turned up. Its got really hot out there and im sweltering! Need heaps of water in this weather, oh well, guess i best go hang with the cross dressing crew down the road before i go and see walt, the drug dealer!
Becci x x x

[Wannabeloved85]

Ive lost it again. [V] I cant do it. I feel so overwhelmed at the idea of just trying.
Im waking up and imaganing going down town, all really well then just a huge panic attack! and im not even there! I think i should just face the fact that im never gonna have the guts to go out and do it, when the going gets tough, i back off and hide away again. They might aswell take me and shove me on a pschiatroic ward and strap me to the bed. white van n'all. Im losing it, i really am. Yes, im still young, but i was young when it all started 5 years ago. I know everything, i know i wont get hurt,wont die or go crazy, yet still here i am, hiding.
Im terrified of people, esp guys. Dunno why, i just go all embarrassed and crazy. girls my age or lil younger, i envy! Im just gonna finally accept that im just meant to be this way. Do you knowm sister doesnt really acknowledge me? oh no! only when im holding her son or she wants a drink of tea. No random chat or "how r u?!" NOPE, NUTTIN. we used to be close. Im not a peoples person, im a panic person, thats me, panic person becci, panicky person becci who wont leave the house. All i know is panic, i have to concentrate to watch tv. I dont even watch lost no more, im too interested in panic. I spend more time at this site doing 'panicky writing'. i paid over £30 for a new hobby, painting,sketching. Im too interested in panic to draw. I cant get out of it. I cant escape, i cant hide, yet thats all i do.
I give up. I dont want to be here anymore.:( I just want to let go and pass away and have peace at last.

[Piglet]

You will get out of this spiral hun - honestly you will.

Our anxiety levels never stay the same forever. Until the last month I just seemed to go right off the idea of even trying to go out but somewhere someone or something will spark that interest again.

It was the whole, you only get good at something if you practice at it thing, that has given me a kick up the backside recently. Its funny what can motivate you - sooner or later you will get that spark.

In the meantime don't be hard on yourself - if you don't feel ready to start going out leave it and don't put a time limit on it. We are the worst people for saying to ourselves, 'we should be doing this, we should be doing that etc etc'. The word should would be better not to be used at all!!

Go back to caring for yourself abit mate - do your relaxation.

Have a go with your paints - even if its lots of splodges of colour or just black on a page - terribly theraputic!!!:D

Love Piglet xx

[Wannabeloved85]

Im leaving the forum for a while, not sure if its indefinetly or not. Thanks for all your advice piglet, i hope you keep on doing really really well x