Is it bad not to go to this funeral because of severe anxiety?

[Libby950616]

I get really bad anxiety which I am working on.

At the moment the most adventurous I can be is to get a bus with someone to the local shopping mall but I'm getting family telling me I HAVE to go to my grandad's funeral which is over in Ireland and I live in the Midlands.

I have agoraphobic tendencies and the thought really petrifies me but I'm going to get guilt tripped by my family. I don't think I can do it, does it make me
fish?

I'm worried any progress I've made will be destroyed.

[flossie]

Hi. Firstly, my condolences to you and your family on your loss.
I can't make your decision for you but I can tell you my experience.
I was unable to attend either of my parents funeral. Nor have I ever been to the places where they are laid to rest. They both knew and understood my problem so I didn't allow myself to feel guilty about it.
I said my goodbye in my own way. The decision not to go was, and still is now, one that I am happy to live with. I do not regret it in any way.

[Libby950616]

Hi. Firstly, my condolences to you and your family on your loss.
I can't make your decision for you but I can tell you my experience.
I was unable to attend either of my parents funeral. Nor have I ever been to the places where they are laid to rest. They both knew and understood my problem so I didn't allow myself to feel guilty about it.
I said my goodbye in my own way. The decision not to go was, and still is now, one that I am happy to live with. I do not regret it in any way.

Thank you, he hasn't died yet but he's been giving about 4/5 months, it's hanging over me and I just don't think I can do it, I don't think I could've before my anxiety flared up to be this bad.

It's nice to hear that you have so much closure and security, I'm sorry about your parents.

[theharvestmouse]

I went to my Grandma's funeral and it was not nice, I would rather have not gone but I only did go for the sake of other people. Having said that maybe the anxiety would have dictated a decision not to go rather than me not wanting to go.

Try to make a decision without anxiety making it for you, I know its hard but you may feel better for going.

[flossie]

Is this something you could talk openly to your grandad about? If you can then perhaps the two of you can come to an understanding between you that doesn't involve opinion from any other member of the family.

[Libby950616]

I know he'd understand and be kind but the rest of my family wouldn't let it slide, he's too nice. Also, I know he'd be disappointed so I don't want to ruin the last months of his life. And yes, even without anxiety I feel at peace with the situation and I have closure so would like to remember my grandad in a hay way rather than at his funeral.

[Mindful]

Aww what an awful dilemma for you. :hugs:

Personally i think only you can really answer the question though, some people miss funerals and not because of a nervous illness, some just cant cope with funerals which i think is fair enough, they are not exactly enjoyable.
I think its a little unfair of the family to pressure you like this. :huh:

You could always light a candle for your grandad when the time comes and just take a moment or maybe play one of his fave songs, or something that reminds you of him, make it personal and your own way of saying bye. :hugs:

[Libby950616]

Thanks, yeah, I'll just have to see how the family react.

[Anxious_gal]

It depends really on your situation.
If you can't go , be prepared for back lash from your family.
I personally stopped all contact with some of my family.
It's so nice not having the added stress of dealing with nasty people who bully me for having anxiety.
There's no winning or talking to some people.
Just because people are related to you doesn't give them the right to bully you.
Family are just people at the end of the day , they won't always have your best interest at heart.

Please don't feel guilty. It's not like you choose to have anxiey x

[Libby950616]

They're not bullies I think they just think I need to be tough in this situation.

Thanks for the sympathy :)

[eight days a week]

My short answer is - it is completely understandable. If you feel you can't do it, you feel you can't do it.

Unfortunately of course, family or any other person who has never experienced what we go through often find it hard/impossible to understand. I would at first talk to them and try to help them see - maybe pick the most understanding person in your family and explain and explain until they really understand, then they can back you up.

If there is nobody like that maybe speak to your GP and psychiatrist if you have one and pour your heart out. They could, for example, give you an official letter from them that says that you are not fit to travel due to your medical conditions. Your family can't argue with that.

By keeping in touch with your GP and other medical people they might consider other things e.g. giving you enough diazepam to help you make the trip.

Please please please try to spend as much quality time with your grandad while you can, that is the most important thing here in my humble opinion.

Best wishes :)

[haz]

I get really bad anxiety which I am working on.

At the moment the most adventurous I can be is to get a bus with someone to the local shopping mall but I'm getting family telling me I HAVE to go to my grandad's funeral which is over in Ireland and I live in the Midlands.

I have agoraphobic tendencies and the thought really petrifies me but I'm going to get guilt tripped by my family. I don't think I can do it, does it make me
fish?

I'm worried any progress I've made will be destroyed.


If it makes you feel any better I couldn't go either.

I didn't make it to my Aunt or my best friend's Mother's funeral, both last year because they were too far away.

I did however attend the funeral of two other aunts, one a few weeks ago and the other last year but they were close by and in a "familiar" place.

Best Wishes.

Haz.x

[Tish]

Hi Libby,
I've looked at some of your old posts before replying to you and I see that you're only very young.
It seems that you're giving into this anxiety instead of trying to 'beat it' and it would be such a shame at your age. You have so much living to do.
My advice would be to get professional help in the form of CBT and maybe medication. If you went to your gp now you might feel much better in a few months time when the inevitable happens.
Maybe your family are trying to cajole you as they can see the bigger picture.
I had a spell of acute anxiety and agorophobia when I was younger and got help for it. I made a pretty quick recovery and was well for many years before a traumatic event brought it back over 20yrs later.
I wish you well, T x

[Carys]

I'm actually with Tish on this one. I had some acute anxiety episodes at your age Libby, and it was only by challenging the situation and really pushing myself (and have my family push gently) that I got over them. I was OCD, agoraphobic for many months, terrified to be alone, to go different places etc. etc. etc. I too would have thought it impossible to even think of going away somewhere to a funeral, but...you have to remember that avoidance of situations is what leads to the problem becoming a bigger and bigger one. I have to say that you are also concerning yourself about something that is a long way off yet, and your Grandad is still living, things could really change by then in a positive way for you. You could make it a goal, for your Grandad's sake that you start working on dealing with your problems with CBT ?

[Libby950616]

I am working on it and exposing myself but it's too big a jump! I don't want to run befpre I can walk, I can see this goal being at least a couple of years off yet.

[Carys]

I can see this goal being at least a couple of years off yet. Why ? People have 'breakthrough' experiences all the time, something can happen and change their thinking overnight and there could be no turning back. 2 years is a long time to be stuck at home at your age (well at any age!) I know you are scared, terrified, I know you would do anything in the world to avoid leaving your home and going a distance, but I do think that working on a two year plan of recovery is another example of avoidance. Maybe there are some recovered agoraphobics here who could offer advice ?

It may be too big a jump; and when it comes to the time you may find you can't go, but having a positive attitude, that you are working on it and 'might' get there, will be more beneficial than constantly reinforcing to yourself that you won't be going...period.

[eight days a week]

I am working on it and exposing myself but it's too big a jump! I don't want to run befpre I can walk, I can see this goal being at least a couple of years off yet.

A very valid point!


Why ? People have 'breakthrough' experiences all the time, something can happen and change their thinking overnight and there could be no turning back. 2 years is a long time to be stuck at home at your age (well at any age!) I know you are scared, terrified, I know you would do anything in the world to avoid leaving your home and going a distance, but I do think that working on a two year plan of recovery is another example of avoidance. Maybe there are some recovered agoraphobics here who could offer advice ?

It may be too big a jump; and when it comes to the time you may find you can't go, but having a positive attitude, that you are working on it and 'might' get there, will be more beneficial than constantly reinforcing to yourself that you won't be going...period.

Also a very valid point I think!

[Carys]

Hey '8DAW' (can I call you that for short ?lol)

Are you a Libran by any chance ? :roflmao:

[eight days a week]

Hey '8DAW' (can I call you that for short ?lol)

Are you a Libran by any chance ? :roflmao:

You can call me what you like (as long as it isn't too rude!!) Carys is a lovely name I think - that's my little niece's name (she's just one, and just adorable). As for being a Libran, on balance what do you think?! :roflmao:

I think both points of view are very valid. It's right that Libby should be trying to push herself little by little, but as one big step I agree it's almost certainly too much, especially at such an emotional time. Inevitably the focus is all on that one, terribly stressful event.

So, I think she can try to prepare herself bit by bit, but without too much pressure on herself that she must be ready and must do it. A big part of that I reckon is preparing her family (but not necessarily, for me, her grandad). If she works on her family they should also, imho, begin to understand little by little before that awful day comes. Then when the time does arrive, ideally she'd be able to contemplate going, but her family would also be understanding. So, a bit of both approaches for me, without the 'extremes' of either one. I think us sufferers often box ourselves into a black and white 'yes I can/no I can't' but actually we should be concentrating on the 'grey' areas - the 'maybes', the 'I'll try but it's not the end of the world if I can't'.

What do you think?

Btw, I'm a Leo. Basically, a big roar that hides the pussycat within! :roflmao:

[haz]

I am working on it and exposing myself but it's too big a jump! I don't want to run befpre I can walk, I can see this goal being at least a couple of years off yet.

I agree. I am also exposing myself gradually, ooh that sounded rude :D ! You know what I mean.

I have personally tried to run before I could walk and set myself back as a result.

It's important to set yourself achievable goals, if you set yourself unachieveable goals and fail, it can send you back to square one!

Be gentle with yourself, keep on walking, hopefully we'll both soon be running, or at least jogging soon. :) x

[Carys]

What do you think?

I think a mid way point between the two opinions is probably very valid :D

[DesperateDaisy]

I think that whatever you decide to do it's important to remember that when the time comes you may be able to say goodbye and grieve without going to the funeral. You must do what's best for you at the time. My brother died in December and I wasn't able to go to his funeral because of severe anxiety and agoraphobia. At first I felt guilty but I realised that I would have been in an awful state if I had gone, and therefore made it worse for the rest of my family.

Sorry you have to face this situation and good luck whatever you decide.

[haz]

I think that whatever you decide to do it's important to remember that when the time comes you may be able to say goodbye and grieve without going to the funeral. You must do what's best for you at the time. My brother died in December and I wasn't able to go to his funeral because of severe anxiety and agoraphobia. At first I felt guilty but I realised that I would have been in an awful state if I had gone, and therefore made it worse for the rest of my family.

Sorry you have to face this situation and good luck whatever you decide.

That's one of the reasons I didn't attend the funerals that were out of my comfort zone. The last thing I wanted was to have a hugh panic attack and have all the attention focussed on ME at someone else's funeral.