dont know who i am anymore

[richtaz33]

hi, since december when i had a real bad episode of depression i havent been right hard to put my finger on it. I am currrently under going a medication change and currently beeing weened off citalipram. since december i have suddenly gone numb and convinced i dont love my fiancee anymore at first up untill i started too be weened off drug i was really botherd by it. Now mostly i am not. I suppose if i really really think hard i think i have lost interest in my family and work, but when i am at working talking to others i seem ok which is confusing, but actually doing work i am not really interested. I wake up every day feeling sad i think and allot of the morning i feel tearfull inside all the time but cant cry. I feel sick allot and in the loo allot. I just seem to be a person that really doesnt care about anything or anyone and everyone close to me annoys me and i appear to be not botherd by it. I think i get irritable a fair few times. I think i feel tired allot as well.
The reason i say think allot is because i cant actually remember and i am not sure if its me or making it up because everything seems like its all blurred together so i cant seperate anything.
Can anybody help at all. am i depressed and having side effects with drug change and having a small personality change until my new drugs work and kick etc and ill go back to the real me if i can remember what that was now. as i seem allot of the time i am ok with like this. I struggle to cry. end of the day now i go all feeling sick and cant eat and my head feels a bit strange. or am i just a cold hearted :wacko:

---------- Post added at 09:38 ---------- Previous post was at 08:13 ----------

anyone ? please help

[ems73]

Hi, I understand completely xx
It's just so bewildering isn't it, this horrible illness makes us feel like we don't even know who we are, what we want, how we are supposed to cope. Everything you've described are symptoms of depression. The loss of interest in things, the loss of feeling for your finance (I get this and it's very distressing). I felt better while at work too but that's just because you're being kept busy and it's a distraction which can help.
Accept that the way you're feeling is due to the depression and that once your medication is sorted out hopefully you'll start to feel a bit more like yourself again. One of the cruelest parts of this illness is that it takes away everything we like about life, it makes us doubt ourselves and our sanity and makes us worry that we'll never be the same again.
You'll get through this bad part, try and stay strong, see the doctor regularly and get back on track with those meds...

Best of luck x

[Stormsky]

Its all caused by anxiety, the lack of any feeling...for people or things you used to do... you are not cold hearted.... your memory will feel like its not functioning, you may feel 'not with it'... this is all symptons of anx...
just dont go making any rash decisions while you feel like this... i replied to your other threads, so dont know what more i can add...

[gary_2.0]

Depression can do this. Make us strangers to ourselves.

I don't think you're cold hearted, it's doubtless the depression and medication. It's all to do with the chemicals trying to adjust themselves in our head.

There's nothing in what you describe that I've not experienced myself. It's all part of the illness.

Because I'm still in limbo between good and bad days I can't articulate as well as I would wish to at the moment, but wanted to let you know that what you're are experiencing is 'normal' for those of us with depression.

The best coping mechanism for me is to accept the condition for what it is and not be harsh on myself for the things I can't control.

Don't blame yourself for not feeling yourself. You're not alone in this.

[BossBozz]

That's exactly how I felt, like I wasn't enjoying my relationship anymore because I felt so deeply unsatisfied. I didn't just feel that way about my relationship but also about every other aspect of my life. From my perspective it felt like it must be everything around me that had changed but really it was me that had changed because of this illness. Feeling unable to give or receive love is the worst feeling and makes you feel like a cold person but ask yourself is that really true of yourself when you were well? Now I am getting better and understand what happened to me and I feel so proud to have a partner who stood by me despite the awful things I said and did while I was ill. I nearly lost her during that time and that made me take stock of my feelings, thoughts and behaviours which is how I realised that something wasn't right with me. These negative thoughts, paranoias and anxieties are not a part of me and they don't define who I really am. It's easy to isolate yourself and push love away while you feel so deeply unsatisfied but it's important to realise that the way you feel is just a symptom of your illness and when you are better you will miss that love in your life. Imagine it was another type of illness, say one that made your hand go numb and paralysed, cutting it off would seem to solve the problem but then you'd also guarantee that you'd never be able to use it again once you got better. Keep at it and keep your loved ones close, be open about how you feel and think and reassure them that it is the illness and that you can't wait to feel like your old self again and reclaim those happy days. Try to remember the good times and look forward to those feelings returning someday!

[richtaz33]

thankyou so much everyone for replying it just helps to have some kind or reasurance i do say to myself its all because of the meds and depression but i dont feel conviced. so all i am doing is just plodding on trying to keep going. Good luck to everyone and thank you all once again

[mashedbanana]

Can I just say "me too"? I also feel that I've lost interest in absolutely everything. It sometimes makes me think of the high-profile people who have suffered depression or even killed themselves. People always say "what have they got to be depressed about?" and they might say that about me too. Although I'm not rich and famous I have everything I need - house, partner, ability, and I did have interests but now I'm not interested in anything at all.

I'm guessing it's the old black dog come back for a visit and I guess I'll just have to ride it out. I'm concentrating on just staying safe, clean, fed, unharmed. I'm thinking of going back on Citalopram as it helped before but I realised that I couldn't think straight with the drugs and I want to look for answers this time.

Also you say you feel sick - I have had very real bouts of sickness - shaky, nauseous, dizziness, tiredness. I have looked for answers and no one can put it down to anything so I have to put it down to anxiety. If you look for anxiety sickness and symptoms on the web you'll find they are linked.

Hang in there and be kind to yourself.
xx

[dallas11]

To all of the above, my husband suffers from this. He goes through stages of begging me to stay with him and support him through his depression and anxiety, to saying the most horrible things to me and demanding divorce. It is not the man I love talking, it is an awful sickness. Having watched my sister go through the exact same thing I do understand that it is not him, but his illness. If any of you could assist with any strategies, words, or anything else that would help as he is booked into a wellness centre for two weeks but can't find the motivation to go, that would really be appreciated. I love him dearly and understand that this is scary and horrible for him, but I know that I can't help him with the illness he has. Any assistance from people who have been there would help.

Also, please don't make a judgement on your fiancee while you are not well. You clearly have the capacity to judge that you aren't alright at the moment, but if there are true issues in the relationship they will come to light once you are better. While your fiancee may be struggling, as you are struggling, please don't get angry with that person. Seek help, actively, and speak to your GP if the meds aren't working. I wish you all the best.

Lex.