A Little Shy Or A Little Crazy?

[robinbrum]

I was chronically shy as a small child so much so that at one point my mother was going to seek professional help before I gradually came out of my shell. But I believe I was born shy and I know when he was younger my dad said he was always suffering bouts of shyness and embarrassment, often for no discernible reason.
I believe he passed this gene on to me. I have managed to control my shyness and some people don't realise I am shy. But I am still shy inside and sometimes I find it really debilitating and there is no doubt it has held me back in life because I do not have very good social skills.
Jeremy Vine on Radio 2 recently broadcast a item in response to this article in the Telegraph http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/9073596/Shyness-could-be-defined-as-a-mental-illness.html. You can hear the Jeremy Vine broadcast here :http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b01bmllz
It would be interesting to hear what others have to say on this matter.

[happycamper]

Hi robinbrum,
I'm trying to get my head around it after reading the Telegraph and DM articles...
Don't know what the authors of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders ulerior motive is...financial gain to drug companies is one suggestion and I would have my suspicions.
It seems ludicrous to define shyness and post bereavement depression as a mental illness. Unless of course it affects a persons ability to live a 'normal life' over a prolonged period of time, which could be attributed to anything such as GAD.
What I can't see mentioned are to what degree of shyness would a mental health professional consider to fall into the category of mental illness, would be interested to see.
Anyway, I'm very shy and struggling through bereavement 7 months after my Dad died, but no-one would know it...therefore I don't know how professionals would unless the person approaches them for help, thus the possible need to medication etc.

[keta]

Hi
I don't think shyness is a mental illness, that's load of rubbish. I'm naturally shy too and i think it's more of a confidence issue than anything else, in my case it also started in childhood and perhaps it has a connection to my child and upbringing and they way my parents acted around me.
Do you think your life would be any different if you weren't shy, because i 'm not sure mine would. I just think that's the way i just wish i had more confidence sometimes.

[robinbrum]

Hi Happycamper and keta,
I think we live in a society where there's some kind of "syndrome" for every human flaw and weakness and yes there's probably a drug that's been made to cure it too! There is a fine line between being a little bit shy and lacking in confidence to being so fearful of human contact that you lock yourself away like a hermit and can not even look at someone without blushing. That is then termed social phobia and that can then be classified as a legitimate psychological illness for which there are various treatments and or medication( I was prescribed seroxat - big mistake).
I am socially phobic but I live with it and in my case it's made worse by my depression. But I do function socially because I don't give in to it. However, I would liken it to a handicap and yes, I do feel my life would have been much better had I not been born like this or if my environment growing up had not somehow caused this trait in me.

[keta]

ok well yes if you put it that way...that a person is a socially phobic and can't even go out then yes that would affect their life big time, but in that case i wouldn't call it a shyness. I think it's probably the environment and people who surround you as i think when we are born we have no fears or anxieties, you learn them through your life

[robinbrum]

To a certain extent I agree and I guess shyness is partly learned behaviour...I don't think you can unlearn it totally though...it's too engrained...

[theharvestmouse]

I have always been shy in certain situations, but having now reached my late 20's I have started to use my life experience to think about things more. My shyness has made me miss out on opportunities as well Robin, and in part my anxiety was to do with that. Its torn me apart inside at times, the whole thing of shyness and sometimes the whole confusion with women.

Take today for instance, I've been at work and have come into contact with several young attractive women, and one of them I have seen before and she smiled at me last time, and today she seemed pleased to see me and she sort of blushed when I was talking to her. I had no anxiety at all and was fine, but the sad thing is that its a situation where I will never do anything about it.

She'll be another who goes on the very long list of girls that I probably have a good chance of going out with but it will never happen because I will never do anything about it for fear of making a fool out of myself.

Yet I do all these other social activities and all the women I meet are already spoken for, it really gets to me.


Robin I agree with your last quote about learned behaviour, I think its possible for a shy person to change, I am starting to realise that more and more. Some things may remain but you can learn social skills to a certain extent.

[robinbrum]

Well as they say harvestmouse, nothing ventured, nothing gained...inevitably at some point you will have to make that dreaded first move...The fear of rejection is awful but with experience you acquire knowledge and I pretty much know instantly if a woman is interested (although some are hard to read). The point is, if they do reject you, don't feel like it's the end of the world because it isn't.
A smile is a good start and blushing is a good sign too. Try and get to know her a bit first, if it's at all possible. Finding out whether she's single or not would be a good start.
Best of luck. All these things are agonising for a shy person...

[theharvestmouse]

Yes Robin, I have to be careful because I know how things can turn for the worse over a woman. Rejection is a part of life but when you have anxiety/depression it can really affect you as you probably know as well.

I'd rather meet a woman through doing one of my social activities, where I can get to know them gradually, its the only way for me. I've never been one of those blokes who can just get a girls number just like that, as I said in the past I've run away from opportunities because of my shyness.