Fear of suicide . . . Relapse again!!!

[Scared_11]

Hi all,

I have posted in here before about my intrusive thoughts about self harm. I started having these about a year ago, thoughts like 'what if I crash my car on purpose or have an urge to stab myself?' these thoughts terrified me and I would never want to do that to my family. I have always had a fear of dying and I think this just ties in with that. These intrusive thoughts do not bother me as much any longer.

They did develop into 'well what if u can't cope and I want to do it?' or 'what if I never get better and want to die' and 'I suffer anxiety and this is a mental illness and some people commit suicide when mentally ill.

I hate these feelings and they scare me so much and I love my family and boyfriend and the fact that I might eventually ruin their lives makes me feel so low. I know I am not or ever have been suicidal but I worry that I will become suicidal. I worry that I won't get help of I do because I will want to die.

Does anyone else have these fears? I have feared other things in the past like allergic reactions and sudden death but this feels the most scary to me because it's something that I can effect.

I know I need to just see these thoughts as just thoughts and worries but it's so hard sometimes .

Anyone?

[br19893]

I too have a huge fear of death! I think about every possible way that I could die all the time. This has lead me to have thoughts of suicide, for example one time I had a sudden urge to jump out of the window. For me I think I fear death because I can't control it, however suicide is something that I could control.
However I would NEVER actually do it, much as I know you wouldn't. The fact that you fear these feelings tells me that you would never do it. Although anxiety can make you think your going mad, nobody has ever "gone mad" because of anxiety alone. So however unsettling these thoughts may be, just remember that they are just thoughts and that you are completely in control of your actions.
Good luck, if you're seeing a counsellor you might want to share these thoughts with them :)

[Scared_11]

Thank you for your reply, sorry u go through something similar.

It does all tie into my feat of dying and the point you make about suicide being something I would contol definitely makes me worry more.

I love my family so much and I think I am just worrying I will hurt them. I have had councilling last year when it was at its worst which helped but I don't know if I should go back or just keep trying to remember everything she told me.

I am a huge worrier as most of us are on here an I worry about worrying! It's very hard to control sometimes as I am sure u can relate to.

I am terrified of death an hurting myself so this fear that I will eventually want to kill myself is so confusing. I have this constant battle everyday about different things and I worry that's it's all going to get too hard for me to handle and I will crumble.

[theharvestmouse]

I share the same thoughts Scared_11, when I was in a bad way the thoughts were the worst I have had, I'd almost resigned to the fact that at some point I would kill myself, even though I had not actually ever thought about doing it, the thought was just there. At one point the only thing that really stopped me was knowing how much it would destroy my parents and siblings and other family.

Since I have improved and got my life back on track the thoughts are not as bad, I still think about suicide and I do get scared that if I have a bad setback or something goes wrong then it will make me think about suicide again. I just fear that if I ever go to a low point again then it could be the final straw, my breaking point.

My CBT helped me a bit, I have learned that writing things down can really help, it gets things into perspective. I don't know what other advice I can give because I know what its like, when you have those thoughts there is nothing anyone can say that makes them go away. Just know that you are not alone in thinking these things.

[Scared_11]

I was at my worst last year as i worried myself so much about this. At that time I never felt like I wanted to die, I felt like I didn't want to get out of bed and just wanted to sleep. I was always so worried that I would eventually want to die.

It is terrifying and I am sorry that others are going through the same thing.

I think I just want a guarantee that no matter how bad things get for me that I will NEVER do it.

I felt reassured from my councillor when she said anxiety is not a risk of suicide and it effects more people with chronic depression and she confirmed that I do not suffer with this.

It's all just a fear of dying and hurting others.

[br19893]

I agree with your counsellor, I think unless the anxiety causes you to become extremely depressed you aren't at a high risk of suicide. Although this is clearly distressing you so if I was you I'd consider therapy again. This may stop you before you go deeper into a negative thinking cycle.

[Scared_11]

Thanks abs,

My anxiety does make me feel realy low at points but I don't think I have ever actually considered suicide, I have always just wanted to get better so that I didn't do that.

I am thinking about going back, I finished my course last september and felt fine at that point so do I just see this episode as a relapse and work through it or do I go back to continue treatment?

[dabrucru]

hi there, i was going ok, but since 2 weeks its back, maybe the bad weather, i don t know, that is my worst tought too, i sometimes wake up at night to go to the bathroom, and the tought emerges from nowhere, 'what if i loose control and do it?' but i try to relax and think on something else. i do meditation and a lot of exercise, it helps a lot, i have always noticed that these tought come when i am alone...so i ll try and get busy, reading a good book, some gardening, take the dog for a walk...anything relaxing and that gives me pleasure...there are some days that nothung lifts me up though, but than i say to myself, its JUST A BAD DAY.

:hugs: