View Full Version : Dreading tonight
I have got to go out to a party tonight and I am dreading it. I have had a massive row with my boyfriend over it as he said I have got to go. Now he is telling me how sick he is of it and to do what ever I want 'I don't care'. He just doesn't understand how much I dread it and when I try to talk to him about the anxiety he just gets annoyed and tells me I am being stupid. I told him from the start I did not want to go. I do like the people who will be there but I just cant face going - I just want to be on my own.
I have been on count down for three and a half weeks - just totally dreading it. I am even thinking of things I can do to myself so I can get out of it - I am wishing illness upon myself so I can have a reason not to go. Does any one think like this? Any tips on dealing with this? I get so moody as I just don't want to go.
Hi, I get this as well. Not only about going out but even daily things that involve meetings or stuff like that. Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual thing though. You can either go, take it a step at a time and maybe plan to leave early as a back up plan. You might find once you get there its okay. Or, if you dont feel comfortable at all then make your excuses and don't go. Either way its your decision and people who dont understand anxiety will never understand it. It's perfectly fine to do what makes you feel better , even if at times we let others down ( I do it on a daily basis as i get yucky anxiety) Go with your gut feeling and don't overthink it. Hope all goes well.
Thank you for your advice - I agree the anticipation is worse sometimes. I have just let the anxiety build up. I have lost the majority of my friends due to social anxiety! Take care
I really empathise with this situation k1rsty
damned if you do and damned if you dont go. Meanwhile the anxiety builds up.
Have had similar situations that have turned out both ways . Ones I have hated and ones that actually I enjoyed in the way us anxiety folk enjoy noisy gatherings :mad: But so pleased I did it. And it was fine and helpful . Always somewhere to have quiet corner and refocus .
May not be right but I always have an escape route planned in my head and enough cash in my purse for train,taxi whatever to get home .
That is enough to let me relax and know I have control . You choose when you leave if it gets too much .
I would like to think that maybe you give it a go [but understand completely if you cant ] ..........sometimes the distraction of a party helps in funny way .
whatever you decide dont beat yourself up K1rsty .
take care xxx
littleredhen
17-02-12, 17:04
Oh poor you. I know how you feel. I have had twenty years of missed parties, weddings, celebration, gatherings. etc etc. It's horrible.
I don't really have any answer, except that sometimes I can make myself go (because I know I want to really) if it break it down into small bites and rules.
1. agree with boyfriend that we will arrange travel so that if I want to leave at anytime I can - I don't need to rely on him or anyone else to get myself out and home.
2. agree that I will GO to the party, but I may not stay
or agree that we will go EARLY and leave when the crowd gets too much....or conversely, arrive late when I won't be center of attention and we can just slip in... whatever works for you.
3. agree that if I go and want to stand outside for half the night, then that's ok and he is not to fuss about it or keep coming out to check if I am ok.
4. agree that he will defend me if anyone nags about it - ie, what's wrong with her, why is she out there, why hasn't she come...etc, etc. He must have an answer that you are happy with - ie she has come down with a bug/has nausea/getting some air/taking a phone call/had an emergency to attend to. whatever works.
Of course, there be another reason why you are anxious about it, there are something that I don't want to go to something for a very specific reason - ie I don't like the host or someone who will be there and I know I won't enjoy myself in their company.
Hi K1rsty. I can totally relate to your situation as I suffer with Social Anxiety too and often dread social events. Have you seen your doctor about how you feel? It might be worth asking her/him if you can be referred for some CBT. I've had CBT sessions in the past and they helped me. I'm sorry I cant say much to help but sometimes just knowing you're not alone and others understand comes as a little comfort. K.
As others have said above, you're not alone in this, and I can relate to the "no win" situation you're in (which makes it all worse!). To be honest however your boyfriend is being less than helpful about this, you need support not conflict. Tackling your problems is going to take time and effort and won't be fixed just by going to something you don't want to, so don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to. And remember, it's only a party, life still goes on whether you're there or not :)
Thank you so much everyone - It has helped me to know I am not alone. I am in a no win situation which now is creating more anxiety! I have spoken to my Gp and waiting for CBT - pleased to hear it has helped you tisa.
Again thank you everyone xxx
I would go,. might be just want you need to get out of your head for a while!
Just take enough cash for a cab home if you need it.... you can always just tell the guests your coming down with something, they dont need to know about the anxiety... even if your boyfriend wants to stay, you can still get a cab home....
I dont like stopping my hubby from doing things because of me... he shouldnt have to sit home .... ive got a big family party end march, got to travel about 4-5hrs away and stay over night... not looking forward to it, but i will go... my hubbys parents 50th anniversary...and he said he will be disappointed if i dont go.....
its not easy, but what if you actually have a good time!!!!!
eight days a week
17-02-12, 17:44
I relate to each and very word of your post Kirsty, and really feel for you because I go through all this almost every time I have some sort of social engagement (except for the Kent meets we do because I know once I get there everyone else will have been the same, and we all pour our hearts out about it and then usually feel better!!)
The anticipation is the worst thing for me. I also have this thing where, like you say, I almost pray for me to get sick or for something minor but serious enough to happen so that I can get out of going.
I think for me a lot of it is avoidance (a really unuseful habit I've had, and unfortunately developed, for all my adult life), and some of it is not ever having been strong enough to say 'no' when I actually didn't want to do something.
I'm working on both things in my life, but it's not easy! Especially the avoidance thing, where I work myself up for weeks and weeks beforehand, don't sleep properly and stuff. I know my subconscious is working against me because even when I really want to go to something (like see my friends) sometimes it seems to make my body totally revolt. Like, I have IBS and a really bad stomach (gastritis) and also retching due to anxiety and stress. All last week it was fine, but yesterday when it was my therapy group I really wanted to go to I couldn't sleep and then just when I was about to leave I was violently sick :weep:
Sorry, not sure that helps for tonight but I wanted to share.
It sounds like your mind is made up, so perhaps tell your bf again in no uncertain terms that that is your decision, and then I think he should accept it. If you change your mind later, well that is up to you :D
Best of luck and please let us know how you get on :)
Hun I feel for you , I kmow where your coming from , I tried so hard to try to be normal and to carry on and if I let the anxiety take over I would have missed out on so much , Do you have a close friend who understands how you feel ? If you do then I would go and if you feel anxious whilst there then ring your friend . I had to help myself in the end because no one understood me not even work colleagues they looked at me and thought i was ok so in the end I handed my notice in and booked myself some private councilling as cbt appointment was a years wait . I knew I had to do something soon but I was not going to let this take my life over and the same for you hunny don't let it stop you , nothing will happen to you i promise . Here for you
All my love
Zoe xxx
Hi K1rsty,
I had a situation like this a couple of weeks ago. I don't like going out, and the further away from home I go the worse I am, especially when I've never been before. My boyfriend wanted me to go to his uncles birthday party with him, it was just in a house and there wasn't going to be many people there but I really didn't like the idea. I said I'd go as I felt bad but then on the day I really didn't want to. I was scared and felt ill at the thought but I don't like people talking about me, If I didn't go his family would ask why and I couldn't cope with all the questions the next time I saw them. So I went...I cried the whole way there in the car (20/25mins) and asked to be taken home right up until we got to the door. I became even worse when we got stuck in traffic (another big hate of mine). Once I got inside I had to paint on the smile and the game face. I had told him that the longest I would stay was one hour and managed to stay for three. I kept panicking and asking to leave to which I got told 'yeah in a minute' and the time never came. I hated him for it at the time but I'm grateful that he made me stay and socialise.
You should go, try and face it and have some fun. If you don't want to stay as other people have suggested have a reason to leave. Go for you though, don't go because you feel like you are being made to.
x
Thanks Stormsky - I also never stop my boyfriend from going out either. I encourage him to go out so I get some peace and quiet! I don't think he is helping as he has just phoned me and told me he is going and will tell everyone that I cant be bothered to go and that I need to consider what he wants. In the past I have also dreaded social events but they have not been as bad as I thought they would have been. I hope your family party in March goes well - let me know how it goes.
---------- Post added at 18:03 ---------- Previous post was at 17:53 ----------
Thank you Zoe and lost L - I hope the counseling has helped you Zoe?? Are you any closer to getting CBT? I have tried counseling in the past and it did nt help at all. I think it is the anticipation and a confidence thing with me - worried about how others see me, also when in conversation with people I start to panic and think they think I am weird, then I think I am weird!
Thanks Stormsky - I also never stop my boyfriend from going out either. I encourage him to go out so I get some peace and quiet! I don't think he is helping as he has just phoned me and told me he is going and will tell everyone that I cant be bothered to go and that I need to consider what he wants. In the past I have also dreaded social events but they have not been as bad as I thought they would have been. I hope your family party in March goes well - let me know how it goes.
Thats a bit unfair of him using emotional blackmail...it will come to the point that you wont go just out of principle of the way he is now reacting, and the tactics hes using..
I get that he wants you to consider what he wants , but hes not going the right way about it!
So question is, are you going?
No I am not going to go - I am 'very disappointing' .......................
eight days a week
17-02-12, 19:40
You are standing up for how you feel mate as far as I'm concerned - and all power to you!
rosieposie
17-02-12, 21:50
Poor you, its one of those situations where you can't win. GRRRR.
Hi. I'm just like that too. I try to avoid lots of things like parties, funnily enough i have one of the to go to tomorrow, well it's my BF's dad's b'day it will be the first i meet him so i feel double anxious about the travel and meeting bunch of new people, i just hope i get through it .
Good luck tomorrow Keta - let me know how it goes. I truly dread any party I am invited to go to. I am ok meeting up with one person if I feel comfortable with them but more that that I begin to dread it and usually avoid it. I am meant to meeting an old friend next week who is a lovely person but because I have not seen them for ages I am now starting to dread that.
I will. you know i even turn down if somebody offers me lift in the car, or booking tickets to go to cinema as i always want to have isle seat so i want to book it myself, it's nuts i tell you :wacko:, i have developed so many unhealthy habits like that (i mean emotional ones)
kashameets
17-02-12, 23:28
Hi ya sorry your going through this :bighug1: My middle name is avoidance so i totally understand :roflmao: Don't beat your self up about it, you cant help how you feel.
I think its really hard to try and explain how people like us feel to someone who has never felt like it.... i always say to them remember how you felt when you took your exams? driving test? got married? had to stand up and talk in front of people at a meeting? job interview? first day at school? well now times that by 100 and thats how i feel :wacko:
Maybe try saying that to your boyfriend :)
Hey Hunny , for one your not weird hunny , don't ever think that , it's ok you didn't go to the party , I m sad your partner does not understand , because you need all the support you can get right now . Cbt for me never rang me back , that's why I ended up having councilling and you know you said it didn't work for you , I ll be honest the first councillor I went to was a woman and I found I did not bond with her so I never went back but then I had to go have some bloods and the nurse that took them told me she worked with a councillor and I should try making an appointment so eventually I got in touch and he was the best thing that ever happened to me . I could not get passed the day my daughter died and his first thing he asked me to do was write down six things I wanted to get rid of in my life and six things I wanted for the future he also recommended a book my Rhonda Byrne (the secret) so out I went and bought it along with other books to help with my fears and started to retrain my way of thinking .
Sad to say 3 years of councilling my beautiful councillor Alan passed away but I have promised him I would never go back to those dark places that I had been too . I just want to say I m here if ever you need some one to talk to any time of day or night and never think your alone and that your weird because your not . Tell your self what we think about we bring about so try thinking positive and what you want for the future and go get it don't ever let anything hold you back . All my love
Zoe xxx
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