View Full Version : Acceptance and love (and self-acceptance)
eight days a week
18-02-12, 17:55
Do you think if you had someone in your life who accepted you completely and utterly, anxiety and panic and faults and all, and still loved you dearly, it would help you?
I don't feel accepted unconditionally by anyone (there are few people in my life anyway). My close family of course accept various parts of me (most parts probably) but since I lost my mum five years ago I don't have anyone I feel accepts me for every part of me. I think that may be my problem (it was when my mum was sick with cancer that I started having panic attacks).
I am also super self-critical, and always have been. When I've had girlfriends who loved me dearly I think I couldn't accept their love properly because I am always unhappy with myself - how can someone care so much for me when I do not like so many aspects of myself (my weakness, my sensitivity, my lack of confidence and fighting spirit, and more!)?
I've been very depressed recently, so sorry if this thread reads as self-pity. It probably is. I would just like to be happy and comfortable, and to have something to look forward to in the future, but I really feel that I will never have that again...it's been so long (maybe ten years).
I don't want this thread to be about me and my situation. I'd like to hear any thoughts you have about acceptance of the weakness of others, unconditional love, and self-acceptance despite the faults you see so clearly within yourself.
Thank you :hugs:
Sorry you are feelin bad at the moment. Try to take life just one day at a time, none of us know what tomorrow will bring.
My partner is my rock, loves me 'warts n all' and has been so supportive over the past few years with my anx/panic/agoraphobia etc. I really don't know how he puts up with me sometimes, but he does and that is such a big help to me. He and I have both come to accept the way things are and our relationship has evolved despite my condition and lack of confidence.
I don't think we can ever accept every part of eachother, we all have faults, we just have to learn to accept them, put up with them or surpress them.
That special person will come for you one day, maybe when you least expect it, but for now, don't put yourself down, your family and friends love you so brush yourself off and hold your head high :hugs: x
My boyfriend has been my rock from day one with this. When I first met him u didn't tell him about anxiety as u hadn't suffered it for some time but the pat 12 months have been realy hard for me and he has been brilliant. He doesn't understand how I think atall because he is the opposite but he tries us best and has always been there for me. I tell him every thought that I worry about.
However, I struggle so much to accept that this is me. Basically because I don't want it to be. I don't want a life with anxiety OCD and depression. I know no1 does tho.
Today has been particualilly bad for me and I have told my boyfriend everything, all the stuff I have been through before. He ha been with me all day and even dropped plans he had with friends. I feel bad about this. He has got very frustrated with me today and I can see in his eyes how much I have affected him today by being so depressed. He has just gone the gym for an hour to relax himself. This is the first time I have ever known him to get mad at me for anything and although he won't say it I know he is angry with me today. Totally understandable, I have been so depressed today.
depressoin is a lifelong battle, not a mood
You probably couldnt accept girlfriends love because you dont love yourself, and feel you dont deserve to be loved..... so you need to STOP that !
They obviously see things in you that you dont right now thats all... people that suffer anx are usually sensitive gentle natured people... thats a trait to be loved surely?? If someone loves you, you should just accept that they do! and be thankful !
My hubby is an angel... wouldnt know where id be without him... i am truly blessed to have him... and like to think he is blessed to have me!! ha ha
So sorry you have had a rough time recently :hugs:
I often ask myself the same thing as I don't feel I have ever had this. It may help if they understood as it would cause less arguments and would make me feel understood but I agree with Stormysky's comments - I don't accept anyone's love because in the end my insecurities and anxities override and consume everything. I think we have to learn to love ourselves before we can accept the love of others - easier said than done xx
theharvestmouse
18-02-12, 20:40
I don't have anyone other than my parents and siblings, I'm fine with who I am as a person but the anxiety is killing me, I don't know how much longer I can take.
eight days a week
18-02-12, 21:15
This thread HONESTLY wasn't meant to be about me. I am sick of 'me'! I really want to know if people have someone who loves them, faults, anxiety and all unconditionally, and if they don't do they think it would help them!
But:
You probably couldnt accept girlfriends love because you dont love yourself, and feel you dont deserve to be loved..... so you need to STOP that !
They obviously see things in you that you dont right now thats all... people that suffer anx are usually sensitive gentle natured people... thats a trait to be loved surely?? If someone loves you, you should just accept that they do! and be thankful !
The bit I put in bold - well the first bit I already know, I wrote it in my post! The second bit ('you need to STOP that!') I understand too, but isn't it easier said than done? If it's not, please tell me how to do it!!
I think I think too deeply. I analyse everything, but I can't stop it, it's the way my brain works. How can I accept the love that someone offers me when they tell me I am perfect or wonderful, when I feel and know my own faults so keenly that they keep me up at night?
I think we have to learn to love ourselves before we can accept the love of others - easier said than done xx
I think you're absolutely right mate.
I don't have anyone other than my parents and siblings, I'm fine with who I am as a person but the anxiety is killing me, I don't know how much longer I can take.
Hang in there please my friend, it doesn't last forever and your family obviously love you so much, and need you :hugs:
Sorry for those I haven't replied to - I'll do it tomorrow, I only have a brief few minutes online now. I really appreciate all your comments.
hello eightdaysaweek :)
you are so not being selfish asking this question and I do realise it is not about you per se but a general ponder .
This illness we all share is a lonely one I think, no matter how accepted we are by loved ones . They make huge effort and love us, but it is without real knowledge and thank goodness so . I sense irritability and badly hidden frustration by my own family all the time bless em .............
Unconditional love ? again it is in the interest of the species that we have mutual needs met and looked out for . Even our beloved dogs first sought out man in the long distant past, for the warmth of the fire and the scraps he was fed ...in return man was protected .
So no I dont believe in unconditional love . You and I and everyone here have something very special to offer another person who will also have their demons and we will find it hard to understand them sometimes also. But it is mutual support and love . YOU WILL find the one .
You are so worth loving . The one thing we all share here is being sensitive to others and huge empathy for suffering ...kindness and sharing .
Damn it in todays could not care less world ......you mate are a diamond .
So now look in the mirror and see yourself as someone unique and very very valuable .
Love may be conditional [just my take on it ] ........but not in the way you read it .:hugs::hugs:
The second bit ('you need to STOP that!') I understand too, but isn't it easier said than done? If it's not, please tell me how to do it!!.
Years ago i had a boyfriend who was always compliamentry to me, always telling me how wonderful i was, etc etc... i never accepted it, because of my low self esteem of myself...and i guess didnt believe it.... he taught me to accept compliaments, he meant them, he saw things in me that i didnt.. (or didnt want to see for some reason)... what i am saying here is , that these girlfriends werent making it up, they werent saying these things just to make you feel good... if they see things in you, then its time you try accepting they may be true... that there are plenty of good things to see... not everyone out there is lying to you! so STOP IT means just that. and start appreciating the good in you and the good they see in you...
everyone knows the sayiing...you can receive 10 compliaments and 1 insult, and the only thing you remember is the insult... time to start concentrating on the compliaments !!!!
eight days a week
18-02-12, 23:35
Snowgoose, thank you so much, I can't reply properly right now, but you made me cry. You have also brought me closer I think than I could ever hope to the answer to the question I asked...I will post more soon.
Years ago i had a boyfriend who was always compliamentry to me, always telling me how wonderful i was, etc etc... i never accepted it, because of my low self esteem of myself...and i guess didnt believe it.... he taught me to accept compliaments, he meant them, he saw things in me that i didnt.. (or didnt want to see for some reason)... what i am saying here is , that these girlfriends werent making it up, they werent saying these things just to make you feel good... if they see things in you, then its time you try accepting they may be true... that there are plenty of good things to see... not everyone out there is lying to you! so STOP IT means just that. and start appreciating the good in you and the good they see in you...
everyone knows the sayiing...you can receive 10 compliaments and 1 insult, and the only thing you remember is the insult... time to start concentrating on the compliaments !!!!
I understand that my friend and I have had enough years with loving partners to try all that you have said, over and over and over again. It just doesn't work for me, and I think there must be a lot like me. Our brains just don't allow us to, for whatever reason, even if we are educated and informed and pointed very firmly towards the right direction (just as you are doing). It's like an on/off switch in my head but the off doesn't work, it just leaves it on. There is no dimmer switch for me in this, or many other things :( It is just the way my mind works...
I am however very grateful indeed for your advice, not only for myself but for others. I'll bet that for every one of me there are 99 others who your suggested way forward will work for, and I'll also bet a lot of people will read this thread, so thank you :hugs:
always telling me how wonderful i was, etc etc... i never accepted it, because of my low self esteem of myself...and i guess didnt believe it.... he taught me to accept compliaments, he meant them, he saw things in me that i didnt.. (or didnt want to see for some reason)...
everyone knows the sayiing...you can receive 10 compliaments and 1 insult, and the only thing you remember is the insult... time to start concentrating on the compliaments !!!!
So very true Stormsky.....you always write so eloquently, have you ever thought of using your experiences to help others ie. counselling or therapy?
Hi Eight,
It's an interesting question you have posed and I've had a bit of a think about it before replying. I've been in a relationship for 8 years. I have never explained explicitly about my anxiety but left him to get to know me for who I am, good points and bad. I know he accepts and loves me, but I would hope not unconditionally which I don't think is healthy in a relationship (maybe in a parent/child relationship but I don't have kids so not for me to comment). He clearly sees my faults but recognises that the good outweighs the bad. When I say good, it's what he sees, not me as I sometimes struggle to find any positives in my personality. I had the worst period of anxiety since we've been together last month and he has been a star and very understanding and supportive, whilst giving me a kick when I needed it.
To answer your question, I don't think there's any doubt that a loving and supportive partner who accepts the good and the bad helps us to cope and find more enjoyment in life when sometimes there seems little to enjoy. Having someone else there gives an added purpose, something which is often lacking when you're at your worst. It also helps if that someone is strong enough to challenge you when all you want to do is stay at home and become totally absorbed in your anxiety. I'm not allowed to take to my bed when I'm feeling really bad. I get dragged out for a walk or downstairs to watch tv. I'm always presented with food too when I really don't feel like eating (my appetite is always the first thing to go). I hate it at the time but know I feel better afterwards.
Having said all that, I know that it's possible to live a fulfilling life without a partner. Family are very important (more to some than others, of course) but the most important thing is understanding yourself and accepting your own faults whilst recognising the positives. This is the most difficult thing of all but the one thing which makes the biggest difference, partner or no partner.
Not sure I've quite answered your question but thank you for raising it as it has made me reflect on a few things which I haven't thought about for a while.
Look after yourself
Pip
So very true Stormsky.....you always write so eloquently, have you ever thought of using your experiences to help others ie. counselling or therapy?
aghhhh thankyou kittikat....my friends always say i should be a counseller! and i have looked at courses...
aghhhh thankyou kittikat....my friends always say i should be a counseller! and i have looked at courses...
So what are you waiting for....go for it :D
I am however very grateful indeed for your advice, not only for myself but for others. I'll bet that for every one of me there are 99 others who your suggested way forward will work for, and I'll also bet a lot of people will read this thread, so thank you :hugs:
thankyou for your kind words...
i truly hope you can learn to accept the love you so obviously deserve.xx
gah, it's hard not to sound cheesy when i say this but self-compassion and self-acceptance changed my life.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-compassion
"Research indicates that self-compassionate individuals experience greater psychological health than those who lack self-compassion. For example, self-compassion is positively associated with life-satisfaction, wisdom, happiness, optimism, curiosity, learning goals, social connectedness, personal responsibility, and emotional resilience. At the same time, it is negatively associated with self-criticism, depression, anxiety, rumination, thought suppression, perfectionism, and disordered eating attitudes"
this is an excellent book on the topic http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Path-Self-Compassion-Yourself-Destructive/dp/1593859759/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1329638094&sr=8-2
Connor_cbt
19-02-12, 09:21
There is a thing Karl Rogers (the founder of humanistic therapy) called
unconditional positive regard, he believed that for a therapeutic relationship to
be effective the therapist should make the client feel completely accepted warts
and all. He called it a kind of non possessive love, and after seeing an old video
of him counselling a women as part of a demonstration I couldn't help but think,
I wish you could teach people to do that to themselves and i would be right at
the front of the queue!
Maybe we are living with unrealistic expectations of life/ourselves and the fact
that reality doesn't match up with what we believe it should be, it causes pain?
Ever since I started to experience anxiety, I started to want to figure out how
and why i was feeling this way so i took an open university course in
psychology (knowing that i could never sit the final exam.) and later a course
in social science and it really opened my eyes... but i barely scratched the
surface and I think learning about it but not actually experiencing it, left me
with more questions than answers unfortunately!
I find quite a lot of this resonates with me. I chose to be on my own these days not because I want to but because the anxiety and depression prevent me from getting really close to anybody. I've found a lot of the women I have been with to be pretty needy people too and I tend to attract these kind of women when the truth is I have too many problems of my own to be somebody else's rock. For years I always put them first at the expense of myself.
Anxiety, when its really severe, isolates you from the people around you. It can make you very egocentric too, constantly obsessed with your own thoughts and feelings. I like to think I am considerate of others but the thought of a relationship is not something I could contemplate at present, the responsibility of it is too much for me.
And that makes me sad...I guess others feel the same way too.
kashameets
23-02-12, 20:39
I also dont think its healthy to have unconditional love in a partnership as we do have conditions like they must treat you right, not cheat, dont lie and so on, i think the only time unconditional love is ok is between a parent and child, a child may do something that is terrible and a parent might not be able to forgive the child or even like the child but they do normally still love them:)
As you already know Pete i have a husband that accepts me for me, i met him in a chat room and told him straight away about my anxiety, agoraphobia, social phobia and ocd even before i met him as they are part of me so i saw no point in pretending.
Yes he accepts me and my 'faults' but i also accept his.... no one is perfect, we all have are own baggage that we carry..... if you were to meet someone she too will have things shes not happy with but you would love her no different...... If you met someone who you really liked and she was caring, thoughtful, loving, understanding but she had depression or ocd or some other mental health issue would you not accept her and walk away? would those things out weigh all the good you could see in her? NO :lac: you would accept her for her and see past all the other stuff :)
So as i know you think logically, if YOU could see past faults then so could someone else see past what you think yours are :bighug1:
self acceptance I have found one of the hardest things to do and probably havent, I sat and thought today very hard about this site, In hindsight, I met it wholely with attack as thats my defence, probably took on to much to soon as I'm not a great people person, then I looked back over the last say 20 years, kids have gone, many things to have to say ;hey you can do it.
I have thought alot today and have kind of liken myself to my staffie.
Rescued for over 20 years of fighting or neglected dogs, but a few years ago thought, ok, did all that, Im buying a puppy that no one has corrupted and make him my dog. I walked him for miles socialised him carefully, many people live with the 'staffies are fighting dogs' but they realy arent under good hands, with the upbringing of my dog he got attacked so many times that now his train of thought is to attack first, not from aggression but nerves, hes a cracking dog, my very best freind, he had a fall a couple of days ago and seemed fine but collasped on his walk today, hes got my bed, hot water bottle and try and get him checked tomorrow, hes six stone I only weigh 7, it is hard to find the positive, but I hope you do x
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things people say, I was always brought up with 'what you got to whinge about, people are starving'
eeyorelover
24-02-12, 20:48
At this point in my journey through anxiety, I don't feel like I need people who unconditionally accept my anxiety. I have loads of people in my life who say, "don't just sit there and let it rule you", which I desperately need!
I don't believe that anxiety is part of what defines me as a person. It's an over-exaggeration of brain chemicals in certain situations. I refuse to let it define me one iota!!!
I sat in my house for 4 years, scared of the world. Afraid of what others would think of me if I had an attack in public! I really worked on that and finally got enough self-acceptance to say this is who I am and #$%@ those who don't or can't understand that!
Still, now and again I worry about what others think but like all the other symptoms from anxiety, I counter them with positive affirmations and then move on with my thoughts of something else!!
xxx
Sandy
I feel really positive about being around special people that want you to heal. The problem is walking out your front door into a world filled with ignorant/belligerent/inconsiderate people. It's hard to be better when people don't want to understand you. They would rather do what is easy to them. It's very selfish. I think that church is a place of healing not only spiritually but all aspects of ones self. It's because of love we can reach our full potential. Hate is a dark hole and easy to crawl into. I am surrounded by people that hate me. I have not gotten any worse but i haven't gotten any better. Any thing could happen at this point. If the people around me cared about my health an sincerely wanted me to become better and supported me I probably wouldn't be typing this to be honest but i love all that love others that don't look for the bad in someone but try to find what's good and make them better.
I find acceptance a very big thing Im not great with people as, well for whatever reason, I my biggest critic, I coped with so much why fall apart now? Im crap at anything right now, going out, being with people, for fear of being' you only post about yourself and not others' I'll leave my rant but wish you all the very best in fighting your demons x
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Shine stay around nice people they make you feel better :)
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