Anxiety and scary thoughts

[GT]

Currently i am having real trouble with high anxiety to the point of nearly being sick.

My scary thoughts started 3 years ago i was so convinced i had cancer. I would have intrusive thoughts about every twinge then i was obsessed i had aids. and the list goes on.

I thought i would share while my mind is clear what i go through and what i have learned through a lot of research and talking to others.

Firstly it is very common with anxiety to have very scary irrational thoughts. They can be from the basic worries like paying bills (although when anxious feels huge) right down to the worry you might hurt someone.

I want people to remember that these thoughts are normal for anyone, just with an anxious mind they stick like glue and seem like you are losing your mind.

I have panic and anxiety attacks just by even a word popping into my head.

The other day i saw a thing on the news which upset me. I went into a panic and thought god imagine if i did something like that?

What i have come to learn and am still having trouble coming to terms with is everyone has these thoughts but brush it off and say. Well i'm not a bad person so why would i do it. But as an anx person we think i thought it it must be true it must be me.

Try to remember that if when we see something horrible on the news unless you think about it and have a reaction which everyone has even 'normal people' how do we know its wrong? how do we know you shouldn't do these things?

Please remember that panic and anxiety is kind of like a gift in a way. It proves to us that we are more sympathetic and are more empathetic as we understand the horror of these actions and how wrong they are. just we react so hugely we exhaust our minds and become very upset.

Do you think serial killers and murders have anxiety attacks? I don't think so. These people are predators and have no empathy or guilt.

Sadly as people with anxiety we don't let our worries and thoughts just fly by like everyone else. we hold onto them for dear life trying to understand them and keep watch just incase we are crazy or psychotic.

I read an article about a psychologist that got his students to fill out a form on the weirdest thoughts they have ever had. They ranged from thinking they 'might drive there car off a bridge', down to 'kicking a baby in the head.' (WTF?) and these are 'normal' people.

so remember any thoughts you have no matter how weird or scary they may be. Everyone has them, EVERYONE, we are just so in tune with our thoughts that we remember every single strange weird thought. This is not just an OCD thing this is the product of an anxious mind tired and confused.

When i slow myself down when i panic i then realize my mind is searching for a reason for this panic. It has to find something to justify this fear. so we create the weirdest and most bizzare things.

I tested myself today as i had to prove to myself that when highly anx anything can set you off. i thought of a cushion. just a cushion. then my anx mind went into overdrive. and i thought of all the terrible things that could happen with a cushion. i came up with i could suffocate someone with it. (OMG PANIC) i could trip over it and crack my head open and bleed to death (OMG PANIC) and this was over a cushion?

I have also contacted a CBT specialist as i am going to get private therapy for these thoughts. In her description she said she sometimes works at the local hospice with patients and families. My first thought because of anx was. if i see her will i get cancer because she works at a hospice. Now how irrational and strange is that? Well it actually isnt. as hospices have cancer patients in. i'm scared of cancer so the thought poped into my head. i know i wouldn't get cancer from seeing her. but the word cancer is enough to send my anx mind on a mission to scare me.

Just remember anxiety is a hightened sense of awareness. we are exactly the same as everyone else. our thoughts just stick like glue. and can even become delusional because of the fear.

We are not weird or strange we are just more aware. The only people we cause pain is ourselves.

I will prob have anxiety over writing this but i needed too. I hope it helps other people. As we are not alone x

[jazzy14]

I love this post! I so wish that I would have known these things about a month ago, when I first began having thoughts of harming others or even myself. I was convinced that I was suicidal, a serial killer, or both. Now I know that these thoughts are normal, and everyone has them from time to time. But I'm still working on re-conditioning my mind to not see them as threatening. I'm thankful to have found this website, though. There is so much care and support!

[lizerie]

When i slow myself down when i panic i then realize my mind is searching for a reason for this panic. It has to find something to justify this fear. so we create the weirdest and most bizzare things.

This is so true. Thanks for sharing! :)

[GT]

Glad its helped. It helped to write it down. I got a few private messages also so seems like a subject that a lot of people worry about.

[neroo]

intrusive thoughts are just the pits.They can be so hard to control

The fear of harming other people is quite common its not one that i've had but can imagine its quite scary

[GT]

I thought this site might help some people not sure if its aloud but its not selling anything and its kind of a modern version on the claire weekes view of anxiety http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/ its a good site it puts anxiety in its simplest forms for everyone to understand. he has a book but he doesnt push the book at all. the site explains it all and that its ok and tells you how to move past the crippling fear. helped me quite alot. And the guy is someone that has learned how to live with anxiety to the point it no longer effects his life.

I believe we need to educate ourselves on the subject as much as possible. Knowledge is power. And i mean real knowledge not the knowledge that is completely made up by our tired anxious minds.

also a fab little 10 minute movie on there made by an anxiety sufferer its so real and i understood and associated with every second of it.

http://youtu.be/YLrO6gGtDD4

Hope this helps.

---------- Post added at 16:44 ---------- Previous post was at 16:35 ----------

In response to Neroo yes it is sooo terrible.

But you would have had intrusive thoughts as everyone on the planet has them. Intrusive doesn't just mean weird psycho stuff and can be as small as thinking about giving someone a slap as they annoyed you.

You think it but wouldn't do it. Sadly certain people with anx really pay attention to these everyday frustrations and once you set an anxious brain off. thats it it will search and search until its found something to really cripple you with fear.

But the fact that you haven't had this part of anx effect you and you can still empathize with others is wonderful. And a great comfort x

[LAURA48]

Very good post GT - thanks for putting in on - anxiety is just awful - it spoils everything - if you let it! Regards Laura

[theharvestmouse]

Thanks GT.

[janetxx]

GT my wonderful amazing friend this actually almost made me cry !! i want you to look at this post every day (maybe a few times ) and keep reminding yourself of the things that you have written and know that every word you have written is completely and 100% honest and true you are one of thee most talented and lovely and kindest people i have met in a while and dont you ever forget that !!

i think your amazing

stay gold xxxx

[oh no_1]

thanks for this :)

[Helen1985]

You no what you are a strengh to everyone that nos you, amazing GT just amazing. xxx

[GT]

Thanks friends for your support i appreciate it. nice to know i'm normal just with a tired anxious mind x

[Bill]

I have also contacted a CBT specialist as i am going to get private therapy for these thoughts. In her description she said she sometimes works at the local hospice with patients and families. My first thought because of anx was. if i see her will i get cancer because she works at a hospice. Now how irrational and strange is that? Well it actually isnt. as hospices have cancer patients in. i'm scared of cancer so the thought poped into my head. i know i wouldn't get cancer from seeing her. but the word cancer is enough to send my anx mind on a mission to scare me.

Illness has always made me anxious and still does but when my father became ill I had no choice but to support my mother care for him until we lost him and then again last year I had to support my mother alone when she became ill.

I eventually had to take her to the hospice and I can remember that day so clearly. When I woke that day I immediately felt anxious but I honestly believed as I had also told her that it would be temporary while they sorted things and she would soon be home.

When I collected her, we had just left when right in front of us was a hearse. I still feel bad about it but there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to slow down or turn off to get it out of view because I didn't want my mother to get frightened by it.

When we arrived at the hospice I had to wheel her to her room. The nurse asked if she had any preference and I immediately remembered the room my father stayed in so when she offered another room I felt relieved. However, this room was rather large and dark.

As I sat there with her she very quickly started to feel ill and she grasped my hand. I told her I needed to get a nurse but she was so frightened she wouldn't let go. I'm sure she was terrified by these feelings but also because of having to go in. I felt torn but I knew she needed help so I eventually got hold of a nurse who reassured my mother that it was a panic attack.

After that day she moved rooms 3 times, includng to a room next door to where my father had stayed. She said she actualy liked that room because it was light and had a lovely view.

After two weeks she was feeling better and I was organising things for when she got home. The next day though she suddenly got very ill and we knew then she wouldn't be coming home. A week later she passed away.

In all I visited her daily for 3 weeks and the nurses were wonderful. We had good fun together. I used to bring in cakes for them and flowers for my mother. One day a nurse joked I'd need to bring in our own vases so I found a charity shop in town and bought 3 for the hospice. The nurse was so surprised but it was her who gave me the idea.

Since losing my mother I have been going back weekly to see a counsellor but I still find it very hard because of the memories and due to my anxiety, and yet, while my mother was in there, I was happy to visit and stayed there for hours until I had to come home. Even after losing her, I didn't want to leave until they had carried her out. It didn't feel right and even then I still didn't want to leave because I didn' want to come home without her.

When I got home I sat alone at the top of the stairs and sobbed. I don't feel I've stopped crying since.:hugs:

[320504]

sounds terrible

[Poke]

Thank you, GT. This post has given me a lot to think about.