Connor_cbt
19-02-12, 11:56
I apologise in advance for the length of this thread, the last couple of months
has been a bit of a revelation to me and I just wanted to share some thoughts.
Anxiety has cast an ugly shadow on my life for a while now, its difficult to
pinpoint exactly when it started as it was a gradual process but its safe to say
that at least half of my 33 years has been troubled by anxious thoughts, panic
attacks, and mild depression.
When I first began to suffer from panic attacks i became a housebound
recluse and spent my mid-teens mostly alone at home afraid to even to as
far as the front gate, even anticipation leaving the house would bring on a full
blown panic attack. I began to self medicate with drink and drugs to give me
confidence and take the edge off of the anxiety, but thankfully realised that
this wasn't the right thing to do and went to see my GP. After a course of CBT
i began the process of expanding my comfort zone gradually, street lamp by
street lamp, to the end of my road, then to the local newspaper shop and
eventually got a part time job cleaning a local pub in the mornings. I then took
a daytime shift behind the bar when it was really quiet and then began to
work in the evenings and at weekends when the bar would be packed!
Although it was a massive leap, i never completely shook the anxiety and still
lacked confidence.
I didn't want to be working part time in a pub for the rest of my life so i
started looking for work. Having been through quite an ordeal myself I
thought that my caring nature and new found people skills would stand me in
good stead for a caring profession, so I applied for a position in a local
mental health clinic as a healthcare assistant. I cant really explain the
feeling I got from working there, but it was great. I was completely in over
my head but did well in training and formed some good relationships with
my workmates but also some unforgettable ones with the service users.
I met people that forever changed my view of mental health and those
that are troubled by it. That being said, it was an incredibly stressful job
so not really that conducive to someone already with high levels of anxiety!
After a couple of years there the NHS announced the closure of the unit,
a housing estate had been built around the facility and the new neighbours
we're shocked to find that it was a mental health facility that housed
killers, rapists and pedophiles that was at the end of their gardens.
I couldn't accept the transfer they offered me because i was still restricted
by anxiety and couldn't travel 15 miles on public transport and didn't drive,
so I left and looked for other work. I did some temping in bars and a
summer season working on a golf course (all jobs chosen by the distance
i would have to travel from home.)
Then I found an advert for a position as a support worker, working for a
company that was the complete polar opposite of my previous care job!
The clinic was an institution, the clients gradually became institutionalised
but worse than that so did the staff.
This new exciting company (still as part of the NHS) believed in person
centred care, dignity, independence etc. So I applied.
The job was a short cycle ride from home, but unfortunately the interview
was an hour on a bus to a town i didn't know well, so my anxiety went
through the roof! I have no idea how i did it but i managed to get the job.
The clients i would be looking after were two autistic gentlemen in their
50's-60's that had been in an institution since their childhood. Both were
non-verbal and one had severe OCD. It all began very well, the staff
were up-beat, positive and generally lovely people the clients appeared
to be settling into their new home very well but soon, cracks began to
appear. Gradually the client with OCD began to display signs of high
anxiety, increased ritualisation and agression. His whole life in his old
facility was one big ritual, but one that he took comfort in. His
predictable day was his comfort zone and he was able to cope for a
while in an unfamiliar situation but not indefinitely. We tried to
accommodate him as best we could but it was never going to work, the
whole thing came to an abrupt end when the management decided to
have a team meeting in the guys home and when a member of staff
went to fetch a chair from upstairs, he followed her upstairs and
assaulted her quite badly.
That meant that he had to be transferred to another facility and i was
again transferred to a position i couldn't accept because of my anxiety.
So again i found myself unemployed and unable to pursue the career i
really wanted.
Having taken a massive blow to my confidence after witnessing that
assault, I decided to take a break from care work and went back to
the golf course full time. I worked there for a while always intending
to go back to care work at some point. My anxiety became worse and
i started to drink quite heavily which started to affect my work and
my boss began to get tired of me not showing for work or turning up
feeling ill. So i thought i better jump before i was pushed and found
another job working as a plant machinery operator, a job where i
worked about 2 miles from home on my own in a tractor/loader for 9
hours a day. It was good money so i pretended to take it for that
reason when really i took it because the thought of not having to face
people at work was like a dream come true.
I ended up staying there for over 7 years, gradually becoming more
reclusive, losing my friends, and becoming more and more restricted
in life.
If it wasnt for my partner, our daughter and my family i would have
no-one at all. i would wake up, drop my partner at work and daughter
at daycare, then go to work, then after work drive to collect them
and we'd all go home, eat, watch tv/go on the computer then bed, on
the weekend my partner would take our daughter out and i would
just sit on the computer all day and most of the night.
The WORST thing about that last paragraph, was that I had come to
believe that was normal and that i was HAPPY living that way! I had
adapted to living with anxiety for so long that i actually thought that
was ok and that some things were just beyond me.
The urge to leave my job became stronger and stronger the longer i
worked there. I was doing a job that required little skill so i was
treated like an idiot, and working for so long on my own i had lost
what little confidence I had in my people skills. When my daughter
reached school age it was clear to me that this was my opportunity
to change. Our jobs wouldn't be flexible to accommodate her school
hours and we couldn't afford private care so I quit! I thought with
over 5 years of care experience i would be able to walk into another
care position and pick up where i left off, unfortunately it didn't work
out that way and i have been unemployed for much longer than I
ever would have wished.
So I decided that at 33 I dont want to be going back into care at
the same level i did when i was 19 so i re-sat my maths and english
GCSE's so i was eligible for the course i wanted and applied to train
in counselling at a nearby college! I have since had an interview
and been accepted on the course.
The challenge now, is to find work and get myself ready to go to
college, I dont expect to undo all that learned behaviour in six
months but the course requires 80% attendance and personal
counselling as well so I at least need to get myself prepared for
that and the huge workload im going to have. :scared15: :wacko: :blush::yesyes:
---------- Post added at 11:56 ---------- Previous post was at 11:22 ----------
I actually forgot to post the main point of that ^^ I found that most of what I
have read on here and from my GP and the courses i have done, seem to
focus at function rather than quality of life. Up until now the help i have got
has been aimed at just managing to get by not at solving the
problem.
There's a thing called the
johari window (http://www.chimaeraconsulting.com/johari.htm) and it illustrates different aspects of our personality and how
some of it we aren't aware of and some of which we keep from others,
I think that dealing with anxiety by treating the symptoms is like a gardener
trying to get at weeds by trimming the leaves, its in those hidden parts of
ourselves that we keep the roots of our anxiety and its not until we explore
those parts that we can really get rid of the causes of our anxiety.
And from personal experience, the longer i've been anxious the bigger those
hidden parts have become, I'm ashamed of my fears, ashamed of my
limitations, and guilty for the way it effects those around me, all feelings i
dont want to share with those close to me.
Going to the doctor was a massive thing to me last week because it was the
first step in this process of opening up. I cant wait to see the counsellor, I
might end up having a massive panic attack and crying for an hour but it
feels like exactly the right thing to do.
has been a bit of a revelation to me and I just wanted to share some thoughts.
Anxiety has cast an ugly shadow on my life for a while now, its difficult to
pinpoint exactly when it started as it was a gradual process but its safe to say
that at least half of my 33 years has been troubled by anxious thoughts, panic
attacks, and mild depression.
When I first began to suffer from panic attacks i became a housebound
recluse and spent my mid-teens mostly alone at home afraid to even to as
far as the front gate, even anticipation leaving the house would bring on a full
blown panic attack. I began to self medicate with drink and drugs to give me
confidence and take the edge off of the anxiety, but thankfully realised that
this wasn't the right thing to do and went to see my GP. After a course of CBT
i began the process of expanding my comfort zone gradually, street lamp by
street lamp, to the end of my road, then to the local newspaper shop and
eventually got a part time job cleaning a local pub in the mornings. I then took
a daytime shift behind the bar when it was really quiet and then began to
work in the evenings and at weekends when the bar would be packed!
Although it was a massive leap, i never completely shook the anxiety and still
lacked confidence.
I didn't want to be working part time in a pub for the rest of my life so i
started looking for work. Having been through quite an ordeal myself I
thought that my caring nature and new found people skills would stand me in
good stead for a caring profession, so I applied for a position in a local
mental health clinic as a healthcare assistant. I cant really explain the
feeling I got from working there, but it was great. I was completely in over
my head but did well in training and formed some good relationships with
my workmates but also some unforgettable ones with the service users.
I met people that forever changed my view of mental health and those
that are troubled by it. That being said, it was an incredibly stressful job
so not really that conducive to someone already with high levels of anxiety!
After a couple of years there the NHS announced the closure of the unit,
a housing estate had been built around the facility and the new neighbours
we're shocked to find that it was a mental health facility that housed
killers, rapists and pedophiles that was at the end of their gardens.
I couldn't accept the transfer they offered me because i was still restricted
by anxiety and couldn't travel 15 miles on public transport and didn't drive,
so I left and looked for other work. I did some temping in bars and a
summer season working on a golf course (all jobs chosen by the distance
i would have to travel from home.)
Then I found an advert for a position as a support worker, working for a
company that was the complete polar opposite of my previous care job!
The clinic was an institution, the clients gradually became institutionalised
but worse than that so did the staff.
This new exciting company (still as part of the NHS) believed in person
centred care, dignity, independence etc. So I applied.
The job was a short cycle ride from home, but unfortunately the interview
was an hour on a bus to a town i didn't know well, so my anxiety went
through the roof! I have no idea how i did it but i managed to get the job.
The clients i would be looking after were two autistic gentlemen in their
50's-60's that had been in an institution since their childhood. Both were
non-verbal and one had severe OCD. It all began very well, the staff
were up-beat, positive and generally lovely people the clients appeared
to be settling into their new home very well but soon, cracks began to
appear. Gradually the client with OCD began to display signs of high
anxiety, increased ritualisation and agression. His whole life in his old
facility was one big ritual, but one that he took comfort in. His
predictable day was his comfort zone and he was able to cope for a
while in an unfamiliar situation but not indefinitely. We tried to
accommodate him as best we could but it was never going to work, the
whole thing came to an abrupt end when the management decided to
have a team meeting in the guys home and when a member of staff
went to fetch a chair from upstairs, he followed her upstairs and
assaulted her quite badly.
That meant that he had to be transferred to another facility and i was
again transferred to a position i couldn't accept because of my anxiety.
So again i found myself unemployed and unable to pursue the career i
really wanted.
Having taken a massive blow to my confidence after witnessing that
assault, I decided to take a break from care work and went back to
the golf course full time. I worked there for a while always intending
to go back to care work at some point. My anxiety became worse and
i started to drink quite heavily which started to affect my work and
my boss began to get tired of me not showing for work or turning up
feeling ill. So i thought i better jump before i was pushed and found
another job working as a plant machinery operator, a job where i
worked about 2 miles from home on my own in a tractor/loader for 9
hours a day. It was good money so i pretended to take it for that
reason when really i took it because the thought of not having to face
people at work was like a dream come true.
I ended up staying there for over 7 years, gradually becoming more
reclusive, losing my friends, and becoming more and more restricted
in life.
If it wasnt for my partner, our daughter and my family i would have
no-one at all. i would wake up, drop my partner at work and daughter
at daycare, then go to work, then after work drive to collect them
and we'd all go home, eat, watch tv/go on the computer then bed, on
the weekend my partner would take our daughter out and i would
just sit on the computer all day and most of the night.
The WORST thing about that last paragraph, was that I had come to
believe that was normal and that i was HAPPY living that way! I had
adapted to living with anxiety for so long that i actually thought that
was ok and that some things were just beyond me.
The urge to leave my job became stronger and stronger the longer i
worked there. I was doing a job that required little skill so i was
treated like an idiot, and working for so long on my own i had lost
what little confidence I had in my people skills. When my daughter
reached school age it was clear to me that this was my opportunity
to change. Our jobs wouldn't be flexible to accommodate her school
hours and we couldn't afford private care so I quit! I thought with
over 5 years of care experience i would be able to walk into another
care position and pick up where i left off, unfortunately it didn't work
out that way and i have been unemployed for much longer than I
ever would have wished.
So I decided that at 33 I dont want to be going back into care at
the same level i did when i was 19 so i re-sat my maths and english
GCSE's so i was eligible for the course i wanted and applied to train
in counselling at a nearby college! I have since had an interview
and been accepted on the course.
The challenge now, is to find work and get myself ready to go to
college, I dont expect to undo all that learned behaviour in six
months but the course requires 80% attendance and personal
counselling as well so I at least need to get myself prepared for
that and the huge workload im going to have. :scared15: :wacko: :blush::yesyes:
---------- Post added at 11:56 ---------- Previous post was at 11:22 ----------
I actually forgot to post the main point of that ^^ I found that most of what I
have read on here and from my GP and the courses i have done, seem to
focus at function rather than quality of life. Up until now the help i have got
has been aimed at just managing to get by not at solving the
problem.
There's a thing called the
johari window (http://www.chimaeraconsulting.com/johari.htm) and it illustrates different aspects of our personality and how
some of it we aren't aware of and some of which we keep from others,
I think that dealing with anxiety by treating the symptoms is like a gardener
trying to get at weeds by trimming the leaves, its in those hidden parts of
ourselves that we keep the roots of our anxiety and its not until we explore
those parts that we can really get rid of the causes of our anxiety.
And from personal experience, the longer i've been anxious the bigger those
hidden parts have become, I'm ashamed of my fears, ashamed of my
limitations, and guilty for the way it effects those around me, all feelings i
dont want to share with those close to me.
Going to the doctor was a massive thing to me last week because it was the
first step in this process of opening up. I cant wait to see the counsellor, I
might end up having a massive panic attack and crying for an hour but it
feels like exactly the right thing to do.