Incongruence

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I'm reading 'The Anxiety Toolbox' by Gloria Thomas and it's really good. I've just come to a bit about 'incongruence' having conflicting views about the same thing, which makes decision making very difficult and causes added stress and anxiety. I know that I suffer from this a lot.

I'm living in my home town and I find it boring and drab compared to London where I used to live, but I know that I need to be near my family to help me to be stable and settled. I really am trying to make the place more entertaining and homely with my voluntary work as a Social Coordinator. I guess I just need to make that breakthrough with people that I associate with and turn them into genuine friends.

I don't really want to live here though and I spent most of my life before I became ill trying to get as far away from the place as possible. That is a difficult thing for me to reconcile.

I also hate my job. I've got A levels and I went to University, after which I started off working in TV. After 4 years I decided to leave because I couldn't establish myself and make a living out of it. At the moment I work in the warehouse for a supermarket. I try telling myself that it is only temporary and that I have got plans (which i have), but I do find it hard not let that get me down.

The other thing is my relationship. I'm not totally sure that I'm happy with things. We seem to have very different outlooks and temperaments, but I know that without her I'd feel very alone and isolated. My last break up has caused a lot of my current depression and anxiety (4 years worth!), so I don't want to add another break up to my troubles.

Another example of incongruence is saying or doing one thing while thinking another. For example, I'm due to get married next year (!), whenever it is brought up I have the most terrible body language, my head shrinks into my neck like I'm trying to get away from it, but I go 'yeah', 'what about that one?'. Or I might have made plans for us to go out and she says she's going out with her mates. I say 'alright then' just because I don't want a row, but really I'm upset about it.

Right, now I've had my moan I want to try and sort things out for myself.

First I have to find out what the 'higher functions' are of my conflicting parts.

Why do I live at home? Because it's safe, because I have less responsibility. Why do I want this? Because I'm afraid of failing, of getting into (financial or relationship) trouble and having to move back home again and my family thinking less of me. I'm also afraid that if I move out that they won't want me back again.

Why do I want to move away? Because I want to grow, I want to feel excited, I want to have a life or my own, I want to invent a new me. Will moving away change that much in me? I will feel less reliant on my family and less 'stuck' in my small town. If I move away I will feel 'free' of the fear of being away from home. Why don't I feel at home here? maybe part of it is because I want to be in the centre of things, not on the periphery and everything is centred around London. So, it's my fear of being excluded? I suppose so. Even though I was on the outskirts of what was really happening in London, I was a lot closer to things. It did give me a buzz working in TV because I felt special and included. I had anticipatory excitement that I might meet someone there who could really inspire me and help me to get involved with things. How could I feel included where I am now? I am doing the right sort of things, I've got several sports teams. I guess I need to drop my guard a little and be patient and let those realtionships develop naturally. I do actually feel like I'm surrounding myself with a lot of good people.

I have the 'movie' in my head and we're in a pub or restaurant and I've got all these really good mates around me. I guess I have to accept that that is actually the exception to the norm and most people only have a couple of close friends. I do feel though, that I'm in a great position to make a lot of new friends and that this opportunity will g

[polly daydream]

Hi, I'm sure you will get everything you want and more in the end!


Best wishes

Polly

[EebyJeeby]

Hi W.I.F.T.S,

I know exactly what you mean about the home town thing. I escaped from mine for 10 years and then, after a marriage break up, I found myself back there again. I always hated it and still did. I spent 5 years there and in that time I made no attempt to make real friends and I could see no way forward with my new partner who lived there (and always had). He didn't want to move away ever.

So without really realising it, I deliberately isolated myself and dug my heels in. I kept saying to people that I didn't like it there, like some kind of affirmation. I split amicably with my partner. Six months later, I was struck down with anxiety, panic attacks etc. I was off sick from my really good job which had gradually become unfulfilling and stressful. Things couldn't be any worse. My only beacon was starting a relationship with a friend from work, who has been a total lifesaver.

So as part of my recovery plan, I vowed to leave my job and move back to where I was happy. This is what I have done and I love it. We are here together and life is good, even though I currently have no job lol.

The overriding lesson for me was that before I could have a hope of recovery from the anxiety etc, I had to identify what was wrong in my life and proactively deal with it. I would not have made such progress had I not changed the negatives into positives (i.e. moved to where I wanted to be, got a new partner, resigned from my job etc). Some may call it bailing out and avoiding things, but I say why run a marathon if you don't even like athletics????

Eeb x

[peteb11]

hi peeps hope ur all ok,
i was thinking wen i seem to go out of my home town and somewhere else my anxiety seems to diminish and i have no problems with it, but wen im at home or in the town area its bad, does any1 else have this? do u think its linked to all the bad things that have happend while im there? and the place makes my anxious?

Carter

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I think i'm the same actually Pete. I get really nervous or anxious before a trip especially if I'm driving other people because I visualise having a crash or something and being responsible. But, there have been times when I've been in Manchester and felt great.

I think, in some ways, the problem that I have is that my fiancee expects me to do so much for her and to look after her and I can barely look after myself. If we go anywhere and I have a panic attack it is likely to set her off having one, so I don't feel reassured.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.