View Full Version : Very difficult conversation - any advice?
I've been doing quite well recently with my CBT and I feel much better about things but something is really bothering me.
In October I met a wonderful girl online. We met immediately both felt comfortable with each other, had fun and things have really developed. I guess you could say there is chemistry between us and she is such a beautiful person. At 40 its something I'd been waiting so long for and I think she has as well - we are both very happy.
Trouble is that while all my friends can see this and like her as well my parents are being very unreasonable. I think their concerns are based on a number of things. First she is South American, so all sorts of negative press. (She has a british passport and has lived here for many years.) Second I met her online (lots of scare stories there if you choose to believe them!) Third my Mum especially is very traditional and believes in no sex before marriage (We've had a physical relationship for the last two months - we didn't exactly jump straight into bed together, we waited until we knew that we felt strongly about each other.) Fourth, I've not had many relationships previously (and so I think they are struggling to adjust.)
I've always been very close to my parents and it really hurts me that they won't even meet someone who makes me happy. They've judged her based on pre-conceptions and out dated moral standards before they even have a chance to find out that she is none of those things which they think. Now it is really worrying my girlfriend as well - she says that she doesn't want to come between me and my parents.
I tried to speak to them on two or three occasions and had to give up. My Dad said he thought I was 'selling myself short' (ridiculous - how can he know that when he won't even meet her?!?!) My Mum looked like she was about to burst into tears and said didn't I think I was being very stupid about 'this girl'? (they won't even call her by her name!!). I think my Dad has been worrying her about the relationship with what he's said. So despite my best attempts to avoid it they seemed to be spoiling for an argument so thought I'd keep quiet for a while and they will mellow a bit given a few weeks. Wrong! On Saturday I went to their place and my Mum said she was 'depressed' and wouldn't even tell me why! My Dad told me it was probably about my girlfriend. This means I can't even mention places I'm going etc with my girlfriend without it being an issue!!!
I'm at my wits end (and it isn't helping my anxiety) - any ideas what I can do? Anyone had a similar experience?? I definitely won't give up someone who I'm falling in love with (and vice versa), but its so hard because my mum especially has been very supportive until this. Help!!! :shrug:
Its a very difficult one... and i have had similar myself with my mum....and i also met my now hubby through a dating section in a local paper.....
I dont know your past, and whether anything in your past relationships has caused their concern maybe?
But even saying that, You are 40 years old, you are not a child... and whilst you appreciate their advise, they have no right to use emotional blackmail...
What we have to remember as well, is that unfortunately one day our parents will be gone... and if we have lived our life to please them, then what happens then? Youd be all alone...
You have to think of yourself , thats my thoughts on it.... if you are happy and in love then thats great, isnt that what we all strive for in life!
You can only hope in time that they come round.... Surely they want you to be happy?
Hello Baz,
First of all, I have to say I’m a believer in the potential of meetings that happen on the internet. I have good reason for saying this. I met my partner in a chat room in 1998 and we are still together and very happy. It is a great way for shy people to get to know each other initially without awkwardness getting in the way.
You sound like a very caring concerned son and it is nice that you are taking your parents feelings into consideration to such an extent.
But the thing to bear in mind is that it is YOUR life. When your parents are sadly no longer around you will still have the rest of your life to lead. As you are forty, my own view is that they are interfering way too much. You are a grown man who knows his own mind and can manage his own affairs.
I do understand what you say about their outdated value system. They can’t help holding those views. I am actually gay but came out after my parents had died. They were quite a bit older as parents go and I’m not sure if they would have been able to accept that so easily.
I think your parents are acting out of fear. Fear of losing you and a bit of jealousy as well. They are also using subtle emotional blackmail.
If I was in your position I would write them a long heartfelt letter explaining just how much you care for your girlfriend and what a wonderful person she is. Tell them that you have a right to happiness, just as they had a right to find each other and fall in love and make a life together. Reassure your parents that your love for them remains unchanged and say how much it would make you happy if everyone could get along. You have written very eloquently here on the forum so I’m sure this would be a great success. You can say so much in a letter without being interrupted and you can be sure you are really heard.
I believe if you allow them to spoil everything you will regret it later. Be kind but firm.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.
You are 40, your parents shouldnt have any influence over your decisions in life, and you dont need to try and please them.
Do what you want, and what feels right to you, it is up to them to adjust to whatever changes you make in your life and accept them.
sickandtired
20-02-12, 12:46
Goodness me....how disappointing you must feel...in your parents !! I cannot believe that they do not trust the judgement of their 40 year son !! Im sorry,I dont mean to belittle your relationship with your parents....its just that surely.....they can see you are happy and I cannot for the life of me understand why they wouldnt be happy for you as well? like Rain said...perhaps they are just scared of losing you.Maybe if you try again and sit them down and explain.....that you will always love them and be there for them,but this is your life and you have chosen this lady....be firm,but kind.
Grab this chance of happiness with both hands,and do what makes YOU happy.....your parents will come round.
bless you ,, its wonderful your considering your parents in all this,,sit them down tell them you love them dearly,, but you need this lovely lady in your life right now,,she may or maynot be the one,,but if they love you then cant they just be happy for you,,tell them you refuse to fallout over this as you need them in your life too,,thus letting them know they still are needed which being a mum myself means everything lol,,tell your mum if she cant like your lady can she at least be polite its all your asking ,,because the stress of loving them and your lady and them not accepting shes in your life is tearing you apart,,buy your mum some flowers its hard for some mums to give up their chicks,,my youngest met a young lady and now lives in denmark,,sighs and i had to accept that and his only 23 but i now love his girlfriend like shes one of my own,,she,ll come round mums do,,and then dad will follow suit
Guys, thank you so much for all your replies. Its nice to have more confirmation that I'm really not doing anything wrong (although I pretty much knew that already).
I think I might have to try to work on my Mum separately first. She is probably genuinely worried which is totally misguided but at least understandable. All the same she still thinks she knows best normally! My Dad is someone who simply thinks he knows best ALL the time (and when he finds out he's wrong quickly changes his story and pretends he never said what he did!!!)
Trouble is that short of saying that they are still a very important part of my life, how upset they are making me, I'm a 40 yo man and make my own decisions and that none of their judgements on my girlfriend are fair or factual I really don't know what else to say?!?! I've tried most of this already. If they refuse to meet her there is actually nothing I can do is there? (Other than to say that she has become an important part of my life and if other family members ask I will talk about her and introduce her when its appropriate regardless of them.)
I agree with Rain. I think that your parents are frightened of losing your to your lady. They are more dependent on you than they realise or would care to admit and are scared that you will leave them to face their future without you. Stand firm but remain polite which I know you will as you obviously care for them so much. Tell them that at this time you are hoping that your relationship is a long term one, this is how your life is moving and it would mean the world to you to include her in your family.
Best of luck.
I tried to talk to my mum again tonight - real waste of time. She started talking rubbish about how I don't know my girlfriend, people have met on the internet and been conned, because she's foreign how can I know her because her family aren't here???? (eh????) I said that I could meet anyone in a bar, pub or wherever and wouldn't know them. (But, after 4 months I've got a pretty fair idea on my girl!)
I told her how they need to let go, I'm a grown man and make my own decisions, she said they know that but they just don't want to be involved (as they think its a mistake - how can they know that????). :mad: I told her how upset I feel by their attitude and that they are judging my girl without having even met her (as well as showing no faith in my judgement). She said that I'm rushing things and they don't want to meet her yet (wanted to know why I'm introducing her to my friends 'already'!!!) I said well, what if we're still together in a couple of months? - she went very quiet and said virtually nothing. So said well it won't stop me introducing my g/f to other members of my family.
I'm so angry with them, but despite that I still know they are my parents and with all their faults I still love them. Its so important to me that they at least give her a chance. Why can't they give me a chance to be happy??? :mad::mad::mad:
I'd leave it alone for a while now. You have tried and your parents are just not ready to meet your girl. Don't force the issue upon them, the more you try at this stage the more they will dig their heels in and be unlikely to ever want to meet her.
Carry on building your relationship. Only time will tell how things will work out. Don't let your parents become an issue between you. The tension will only pull you apart. Do your own thing and if you want to introduce her to friends and other family members there's nothing wrong with that.
Continue your relationship with your parents, mention your girlfriend in passing, let them see she is making you happy, but don't dwell on the subject at all. Don't exclude her but don't give much information either - maybe they will start to get curious.
It's early days yet, lots of time to introduce her to mum and dad.
Go and be happy with your girl.
You're probably right Flossie. I can't do more than I've done. I'm seeing my girlfriend tonight so I'm going to tell her that I've pushed as hard as I could. I can't push anymore as its upsetting me too much and stressing me out.
My Mum took a couple of incidents from my past last night and used them against me which was particularly upsetting. She assumes that because, like anyone else, I've made the odd mistake before it means I'm incapable of making a good decision. Her bringing up something like that just to further her case just seems particularly nasty and very out of character.
My girlfriend is so lovely that I don't want this to come between us and the only way that can happen is by pushing too hard for my parents to meet her. Further conversation on this is just going to hurt me and my relationship with my parents and my girlfriend. All the same it makes feel very sad....:weep:
I appreciate that you are hurt and angry at the moment but don't dwell on it. Let your mum calm down and keep in contact. To be honest this sounds more like your parents problem than yours. It all sounds so familiar to my background.
It certainly wasn't kind of your mum to raise forgotten issues but that is her way of holding control over you and keeping you dependent. In truth it is probably her needing you more. Just stay firm but polite and gentle.
You have learned that you can make choices independently from your parents, they just need to realise it too.
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