Forever searching.........a restless mind

[Little elfin]

Firstly it's such a relief to find a community like this, with so much understanding and respect.

One thing a struggle with is a searching mind, i find myself constantly searching for a reason for my anxiety over and over and over. I can spend hours trawling through the past confident that the answer is in there, even though I do know that to feel 'fine' is to let go and just be.

I'd being doing well for a while, felt more confident, then my best friend comitted suicide 5 years ago. The first year I was too fine, then bham a year later my anxiety came back full force and it's so difficult to let go. Now I don't know if I'm anxious beause of the grief, or because something else isn't 'right' with my life.

There are times when i just feel overwhelmed with 'something' but can't figure out what I am sooo scared of. What is really hard is that if friend was here, she'd be here to comfort me, she would have helped me through my grief for here, most people seem to disappear from your life when you need them the most.

Arggggh, anxiety and grief are sooo hard.

Sorry for the sob story.
xxx

[Stormsky]

My best freind commited suicide when we were 23yrs old... that was 22 yrs ago... all my memories up to that point were with her...so on hearing other people recalling the fun with friends and reminising with each other, i didnt have that....
Anxiety can come to us for any reason at all, mine came to a head with an incident in my car 12yrs ago...but lots of things make us anxious, worries, upsets, could be anything...everyone gets anxiety in the lives, we differ by letting it consume us, become over anxious, start to have fears , which lead to more anxiety.
maybe more sensitive people just suffer it more.... it doesnt have to be anything specific for some people....
overthinking causes more anxiety too!! i do that!
or it could be a way of our body telling us to change something in our life...like a job not being right for us, or a relationship

[Rain]

You've been through a lot. Grief does take time to get over. Perhaps some counselling would help?

Looking to the past won't solve your future though. It doesn't really make any difference how you got here. You are here. This is your starting point. It's time to concentrate on moving forward. The past is gone forever.

[Little elfin]

Thanks for the replies, it's soooo hard not looking at the past, but you're right this is my starting point. Yep i'm having CBT at the mo, hard work being soo open with someone.

When the anxiety gets bad I always end up having disturbing though of 'what if I don't love my husband' 'what if I really hate my job', it's soooo frustrating as when I feel fine a don't even question these things.

[Stormsky]

Many people with anxiety feel no emotion for partners, or for anything at all really!
these are not your true emotions, just anxeity.

[Pipkin]

Hi Elfin,

You really have had a hard time and some very difficult events to deal with. It's not a sob story, it's your story and you are doing well to face it.

There was another thread about constantly questioning recently and I posted the following:

'You're asking the question we all ask ourselves but I have come to realise that there is no answer to this. By keep asking why is this happening and what's wrong with me, we are just confirming to our brains that there is indeed something wrong which makes us more anxious. I know there are lots of clinical reasons behind this but try to look back and see that all the times you thought you were seriously ill, you weren't and it was your anxiety making you believe this.'

I truly believe that this is the case and by continuing to search, it is fuelling our anxiety. The times in my life when I've been least anxious have been when I have accepted my illness for what it is and, miraculously, the symptoms get much better. Life events have a habit of bringing the anxiety back though and then the vicous circle starts afresh.

There's nothing wrong with looking back over your life and reflecting - we could never be successful if we didn't do this and learn from our mistakes, but it can't be at the expense of living our lives now and looking to the future. I know this can be incredibly hard when somedays, it's hard to see see past today and even imagine tomorrow.

Take care and I hope you find support on here - even just knowing there are people who feel just like me on here gives me a lot of comfort.

Pip x

[Little elfin]

Hi Pip,
thanks you so much for that reply, it feels like a hug, i have tears in my eyes and i NEVER cry. It is so cathartic knowing I'm not alone and the only one.
Love and hugs
xxx

[Stormsky]

Elfin- are you trying to search the original cause of your anxiety? or why you keep on getting it now from time to time? why it keeps coming back?

[Pipkin]

Hi Pip,
thanks you so much for that reply, it feels like a hug, i have tears in my eyes and i NEVER cry. It is so cathartic knowing I'm not alone and the only one.
Love and hugs
xxx

You're welcome Elfin. Hope you're feeling a bit better. PM me if you would like a chat.

Pip x

[GT]

check this post it may help explain your issues http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=110202

[Little elfin]

Elfin- are you trying to search the original cause of your anxiety? or why you keep on getting it now from time to time? why it keeps coming back?

Hey,
I guess both. Whenever I get a new symptom it really bugs me and I end up feeling back at square 1 again, and trying to figure out what it means.
xx