Further Anxiety Over Visit

[Rain]

I need some advice on an issue that is causing me to lose some sleep. On February 4th I received the most welcome news that an old school friend who lives abroad was planning to visit me in sometime in March. I am very nervous at the prospect because of my social anxiety but my excitement outweighed this. I was very happy. We have not seen each other for over thirty years.

My friend said that she and her children would be coming from abroad to stay with her parents in the UK and at some stage ‘I will be popping over to Ireland to visit another friend and will hire a car to come and see you.’ Therefore it wasn’t clear if her children were coming on the second leg of the trip. She said ‘I’ and not ‘we’.

Because of my social anxiety, meeting three people is a lot more stressful a prospect than meeting one. Also, if three people are coming we need to buy three duvet/pillow sets instead of one plus a couple of blow up beds. We need advance warning to try to find the finances for all this. For both of these reasons I wanted to know exactly who was coming and when.

I didn’t want to make it sound like the visit would be troublesome so I just emailed back the same day saying I was delighted she was coming. I added, ‘Will you be coming alone? Let me know when you know what you are doing.’

Ten days passed and I got so anxious I emailed again a week ago saying, ‘Please let me know when you have finalised your arrangements.’ I have still not heard and can’t stop fretting over it.

Should I e-mail a third time or does this make me sound like a crazy person?

[Kell]

Hi Rain, I think that it's fine to chase her up again. It's more than reasonable to ask for confirmation of plans so that you can make any necessary arrangements and keep your diary clear. Maybe she doesn't check her e-mail very often? Not everyone does. Could you maybe call her or text? A text might get a quicker response. Either way, just say that you're keen to know the arrangements so that you don't plan anything else. Try not to overly think about it. I'm sure that she won't think anything of it. If anything she'll be pleased that you're keen to firm up plans with her.

[flossie]

Are you sure that she is actually planning to stay with you and not have other overnight arrangements?

[macc noodle]

I need some advice on an issue that is causing me to lose some sleep. On February 4th I received the most welcome news that an old school friend who lives abroad was planning to visit me in sometime in March. I am very nervous at the prospect because of my social anxiety but my excitement outweighed this. I was very happy. We have not seen each other for over thirty years.

My friend said that she and her children would be coming from abroad to stay with her parents in the UK and at some stage ‘I will be popping over to Ireland to visit another friend and will hire a car to come and see you.’ Therefore it wasn’t clear if her children were coming on the second leg of the trip. She said ‘I’ and not ‘we’.

Because of my social anxiety, meeting three people is a lot more stressful a prospect than meeting one. Also, if three people are coming we need to buy three duvet/pillow sets instead of one plus a couple of blow up beds. We need advance warning to try to find the finances for all this. For both of these reasons I wanted to know exactly who was coming and when.

I didn’t want to make it sound like the visit would be troublesome so I just emailed back the same day saying I was delighted she was coming. I added, ‘Will you be coming alone? Let me know when you know what you are doing.’

Ten days passed and I got so anxious I emailed again a week ago saying, ‘Please let me know when you have finalised your arrangements.’ I have still not heard and can’t stop fretting over it.

Should I e-mail a third time or does this make me sound like a crazy person?

Why not send her a quick email saying how excited you are and how much you are looking forward to meeting up with her again and ask if her kids are coming too so that you can get organised.

That way she knows she is welcome and she knows you are looking forward to her visit - with or without the kids!

I would not be concerned to receive a message like that from an old friend I was planning to visit - it shows your enthusiasm for seeing her again and your desire to have everything organised for her visit.

:yesyes:

[snowgoose]

Hi Rain
So empathise with this worry as my sister and son live abroad ....then say oh so and so is back in the uk and will be calling in :ohmy:.erm how many ? how long for ? Are they vegans or will pie and chips do ?
I think it perfectly reasonable to mail her again .

I suspect she does not realise what you are asking .........and thinks you maybe want dates and times which she hasnt planned yet ?

For me I would mail and say could she let you know if the children are coming with her ? That you are excited to see her and if either her or the children have any dietary preferences /sleeping needs etc . Because you want her to have a lovely time in Ireland and enjoying planning her visit .

That way she has to say if the children are coming or not .
I am sure you will have lovely time once your guests have had first cuppa and you relax.
but sure get why you feel anxious also.

[Rain]

Thanks both, for your replies. No, I am not sure she is staying with me. But it's about a five hour drive each way from her other friend's house. You can't really drive for ten hours in one day. I don't think they'd be staying in a hotel or B and B either.

---------- Post added at 17:10 ---------- Previous post was at 17:04 ----------

Thanks for the replies. I was also thinking about vegetarian/vegan possibilities! I feel like a fusspot asking her all this when she just probably sees it as 'swinging by'. I guess I'm scared to be direct unless it sounds rude. I will ponder on your replies guys.

[flossie]

If I was going to visit someone I wouldn't automatically expect them to put me up. I'd ask, not assume. I most definitely wouldn't expect someone I haven't seen in 30 years to accomodate my 2 children as well.
If you are happy for them to stay then ask them, if not then play it by ear and wait for her to make her own arrangements. The ball is in your court at the moment. If it is going to be too stressful to have a housefull overnight then I'd leave her to it.
But then I'm horrible and you're nicer than me:D

[snowgoose]

If I was going to visit someone I wouldn't automatically expect them to put me up. I'd ask, not assume. I most definitely wouldn't expect someone I haven't seen in 30 years to accomodate my 2 children as well.
If you are happy for them to stay then ask them, if not then play it by ear and wait for her to make her own arrangements. The ball is in your court at the moment. If it is going to be too stressful to have a housefull overnight then I'd leave her to it.
But then I'm horrible and you're nicer than me:D

Agree with all you say Flossie .too right !! [not the bit about you being horrible though ]

It is rude to presume overnight stays without asking first . So maybe Rain you can mail and say something like I take it you will be staying overnight in the area or with me re the distances ? give us more time for catch up if you are.
let me know your ideas on this ,so excited etc etc
I am now quite upfront and ask reasonable questions as in my previous post .
You rightly need to know .

and no .........you are not a fusspot Rain .

but love the word .........if you are, then there are countless of us with you x

[Rain]

Well, now I have got another dilemma. My friend wrote to me this morning without me having to have written again at all. She must be psychic because she said that she WILL have the children with her and knows that this may be too much for me with my social anxiety. She said if it was too much we could always leave it until her next trip to the UK and Ireland.

Blesss her for being so insightful and understanding. But I don’t know what to do now. On the one hand I am dying to see her and think we would have a great time. On the other hand I am SO unused to people I worry that the general chaos might be too much for me. The children are about 9 and 11. A girl and a boy. It’s been 18 months since I saw anyone but my partner. I feel responsible for them all to have a good time while they are here, and worry that I may just panic and ruin it.

She said she wouldn’t be the slightest bit offended if I call it off and that she understands completely. She suggested I think it over and let her know. My mind is going ten to the dozen now! Any thoughts on this gratefully received.

[paula lynne]

Hi Rain x
I love having people stay but it can be stressful. Like you, I like to plan...I want to know where/when/who/how/why.....anything that happens outside of my planning sends my head into a spin!
The best thing you can do is get some duvets/blankets sorted ahead of time, and make and freeze your vegan/veg foods.....this will ease stressors when they arrive.

I think you should write back to her asap and confirm they can come. I think as far as the kiddies are concerned, Im sure mum would have packed various gadgets and toys to keep them occupied. You could also rent a couple of DVDs maybe?

I know its scary, but maybe its time to bite the bullet.....you havent seen her for such a long time, and youve also mentioned youve only really spent time with your partner for the past 18 monthes.........I say go for it. Put thoughts of choas out of your mind, you cant control everything, let go a bit. Your partner will support you Im sure. I get a bit stressed before I have visitors, but as I said, I do what I can before they come, and when they arrive, I have learned to "let go" and go with the flow of life.

As far as being responsible for them to have a good time, thats natural (I do that too!). Maybe you could get a few leaflets/maps printed off of the area, to highlight places of interest she might like to visit with the kids? Plenty of cheap paper and a few pens are a fav for the kids should rain prevent them going out, and if the weather is good, let them loose in a park. :)

30 years is such a long time to wait to see a friend..............dont waste a second more, go for it, you can do it! Let go of the what ifs and the control. You will be so glad you did. :D Im willing you on honey x
Paula x

[Rain]

Thank you for that lovely reply Paula Lynne. I can tell you really understand. Thanks for being in my corner, cheering me on. :)

[paula lynne]

Youre very welcome. x What do you think you will do? Will you go for it? :shrug:
Let go. Do it! :yesyes: Email her now!.............you wont regret it. :bighug1:(Im so pushy hahaha)
PM me anytime, I do check my messages every day. This will be fabulous for you Rain, and how wonderful to see your friend after all these years, you'll be so busy catching up over a glass of vino, laughing and talking, I bet you wont even notice anything else thats going on. Preparation is the key......now, whats on the menu? (I love cooking, have done a vegan menu for a wedding, it was lovely) x
Am excited for you! x

[flossie]

What a lovely letter your friend sent you. It sounds as if she really understands people in a state of anxiety so I think you can safely relax about being in her company. She has already proved to you that she is not going to judge and will be sensitive in not crowding you if you need a bit a space for a breather. I have no doubt she will love your twitchy legs too!:D
If she is so kind then the children will be great as well.