Anxiety and depression brought on by break-up

[dreamingwolf]

We were together for almost 2 years. I had moved to a different state and met him at a job that I got. We moved in together. I was in love with him. It was not an ideal relationship; we fought a lot, he had an alcohol abuse problem, and we were constantly saying hurtful things to each other. It was "one of those." Anyway, I ended up quitting my job and moving back to my home state after he pushed me too far. I moved in with my mom. We were still on good terms though, and we were planning on making it work somehow. He lived about 5 hours away, and would come visit me every month. Distance makes the heart grow fond...

We travelled around the country together that summer which was amazing. But we fought a lot still. Anyway, after the summer was over i moved back in with him. And it was worst than ever, we fought so much and he was just mean to me for no reason. That was the main reason we were fighting. It got so bad that I had to leave again and move back in with my mother in a different state, again having to quit my job.

After I got back I started drinking a lot to bury my problems, going out and having fun with my friends etc. I ended up hooking up with my ex boyfriend (bad idea.)

During this time, I was speaking with my ex, calling him, texting him, trying to get him to take me back. I was panicked, I was trapped again in my hometown with no way out. He was always my way out. I'd call him drunk sobbing my brains out asking for him to give us a second chance. And he wouldnt. I had so many memories with him that I feel like i could never forget.

Then I realized that he wasnt going to take me back. This led to the onslaught of the emotions I'm currently experiencing.

I couldnt get out of my bed for a week, couldn't eat, barely could sleep and if I did it was with nightmares. I had such bad panicky feelings and I was anxiety ridden. My head was spinning.

I am still going through this, I had a break from it for a couple weeks, but it returned after I called him drunkenly one night. Since then I have given up drinking and cut off contact with him.

It has been about a month that I have been experiencing this, maybe longer. I can not find employment, so I am home by myself all day. For awhile I was and still am worried that I can't handle a job right now. My anxiety is terrible, and recently I started having irrational fears of losing control of myself and doing something crazy. My head hurts so bad (tension headaches) and all I want to do is be myself again. I am normally a very happy go lucky person- I've never experienced depression&anxiety as extremely as I have until now.

At times I feel like I'll never get over this, and I'll never be myself again. This is the hardest & scariest thing I've ever been through.

[Squiggle]

Hi Dreamingwolf,
I had a horrible break-up years ago and, like you, used drink as a crutch. Nobody understood how difficult it was. That wasn't a warped perception, they just didn't. I've heard friends complain about other taking a break-up badly, which they wouldn't do if they knew how badly it can mess with your head. The first thing is stay away from alcohol, it's only going to make matters much worse. Do some exercise. It'll burn up some nervous energy and release some endorphins to help with the pain. Take some B-complex and cal-mag. Get outdoors. Is there anywhere nice where you live? Just go for a walk, clear your head. What did you do to relax before you met him? Think back to the happy-go-lucky girl you used to be. What did she enjoy? What do you want for your future? A relationship with lots of fighting? Probably not. Sit down when you're feeling a bit better and figure out where you want to go. For 2 years you handed over the reins to someone else, now you can take control again so look on this as an opportunity, not a catastrophe. Imagine yourself as an old lady thinking back on your life. Write down what you'd like her to be able reflect on. You're probably not up to it just yet but work on the job-front. Think about what skills you have and anything you can do to work on them to increase your job prospects. Volunteer. There must be charities nearby that you could help. This will give you a reason to get out of the house on a scheduled basis. It will make you think about other problems too. You'll meet nice people, they might be older but they'd still be nice company. You could also volunteer somewhere that would help your job prospects. Work for free for a while. Could you study? Think of a goal and imagine how proud you'll be when you've pulled yourself through. You can do it. Of course if things are really bad your doctor can get you over the worst but focus on your young life and all you want to get from it. Best of luck. Take care.

[dreamingwolf]

This break up has definitely messed with my head more than I could ever imagine. It brought out a lot of things that I didn't know I had inside of me. I don't know if it is the anxiety, stress, and depression that are just manifesting themselves in different ways.

I feel like I am looking at life through a clouded glass, where everything is very negative and almost feels ominous. I think that's when the disturbing intrusive thoughts started( about me losing control and hurting myself, then others), and then I started to obsess over them - "Why am I having these thoughts, why wont they go away, why can't I just be myself again."

I have developed a fear of losing control, and I believe it might be because of how on edge mentally I am, and also how I pretty much have lost control of most things in my life recently. And it is just contributing more to the depression that I was already experiencing. I don't want to feel this way, I want to be able to go out with my friends and have a good time and live my life. And more importantly MOVE ON!

I am just afraid this will last forever. And that terrifies me.

[cattttt]

It won't last forever, you will get through it. Time is always moving on, even if it feels really slow at the moment. Squiggle has come up with lots of ideas, any of them would be a start. So take the plunge and make that first step, off you go, TODAY.

[dreamingwolf]

thank you both for replying ... hardest thing i have ever been through. what a whirlwind of emotions that i never knew existed.

[dreamingwolf]

So, I guess I am going to bump this. An update on my situation:

Well. I have just learned how to deal with my anxiety, and it honestly hasnt been too bad. Not unbearable, anyway. The moments when I "get away" from it are a relief and worth going through all the bad ones.

Intrusive thoughts scared the crap out of me for awhile, but then I just realized that they were dumb and it's impossible for me to lose control of myself. The worst that will happen is I'll go into a panic attack.

Still seeking employment, but maybe it's a good thing that I'm not- maybe i need the time to heal. Everything happens for a reason i guess.

I started seeing someone new. It's kind of funny actually... he has Schizophrenia. Well, that's not funny, but it's funny to me because i'm so neurotic right now and I have taken a liking to someone with that illness. He's a great person, better than the men i've dated in the past so I guess you can't judge people. We all have quirks I guess...

Recently this past week I have just been driving myself nuts though. Ive been worrying myself -sick-. My newest fear is that I will start hallucinating and hearing things and developing schizophrenia, or basically any illness. I basically ruminate over anything and everything that I do and think "was that weird? am i crazy?" I've never heard a voice or seen anything, or done anything crazy, or weird. But hey, that's anxiety. I have racing thoughts.. RANDOM thoughts. Over and over and over again. It feels like my mind is on over drive trying to find anything and everything that will scare me. It hurts, physically too. The chest tightness and tension headaches. Everyday.

It's disheartening. Tonight I was out trying to have a good time with my friends and new guy... and i started having little anxiety attacks and had to go home. I was so angry at myself. I dont want him to think I am a basket case (i totally am.) I am afraid I'm going to ruin something that's potentially amazing for me and my situation right now.

So this has been going on for a few months now. Im wondering if I should go talk to someone? I mean, I can deal with it by myself but I dont want to live like this. I want to be "normal" and happy and live my life. Sometimes it just seems so out of control.

I can never reassure myself enough.

---------- Post added at 04:47 ---------- Previous post was at 04:42 ----------

Also, I have an extremely overactive imagination. Like... seriously. I mean, it used to mean I was really good in art class but now it just works against me with my random fears/thoughts. The mind is so strange.