Hello Everyone

[dallas11]

Hi all,

My husband suffers from panic attacks and severe depression. He has been using alcohol excessively as a 'patch' and I fear that as the dependence on me increases I am starting to have my own issues. I have been through all the helplines and charities locally and they basically all just tell me I have to 'Get Tough' with him and leave him. I don't see how this will help, as he can barely face his life as it is. I am hoping to meet some others who perhaps have some strategies and advice they can offer to help him to improve his outlook and self-esteem, as I'm not ready to give up on him (love sucks, as they say).

Please feel free to post any successes you have had as a carer (or just simply someone who cares) of someone who is suffering with this condition, as noone seems to understand just how real it is to the sufferer.

I am at my wits end as to how to help my husband and would appreciate any tips or help that any of you can offer.

Many thanks,
Lex.

[diane07]

Hi dallas11

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[dallas11]

even that has brought tears to my eyes... thanks Diane. I just don't know what to do.

[Rain]

Hello Lex,

Your husband is very lucky to have such a caring partner who is trying so hard to find help for him.

As a sufferer of depression he is using the worst possible ‘solution’ in alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant so this will ultimately just make things worse. Also, hangovers are known to cause anxiety. I think he needs to tackle his drinking first and foremost. He needs to decide to do this on his own but you could point him in the right direction. There are several online sites detailing the help available for drinking problems. Maybe you could download and print out some information and discuss it together.

Is your husband getting any medication from his doctor? There are many drugs on the market now that help with both anxiety and depression. Counselling may be another option.

You don’t say how serious the drinking is but if it is very bad, a spell in rehab could work wonders. It might also help him formulate a plan of how to get on the road to recovery in other aspects of his life.

Did something cause him to become so down in the first place? Like the loss of a job or something similar?

As a carer of someone with an alcohol problem you may find support in al-anon which is a support group for those living with someone who has this problem. You need to look after yourself in order to be of help to him. Maybe talking to a therapist would help you also.

I hope some of these ideas are of help. Welcome to No More Panic. You will find people here to be very supportive and many have experience of the things you are going through.

[dallas11]

Thanks for your post Rain. We have been through a range of medications and counselling options, and at the moment I am trying to get him to go to a retreat where they will address his drinking and mental health issues. He says he wants to go but for the last two days he has basically refused to get out of bed despite talking to the head of the centre and making repeated 'deals' that are supposed to take the pressure off our relationship because I'm not the one making the deal with him. I hope he will go but also recognise how scary this is for him, I have tried to put the message in his mind that this may be scary, but is less scary than facing the rest of his life feeling how he is right now. Am I doing the right thing? I can't prevent him from going and buying drinks and if I try to hide them he just goes and buys more. The main issue is, the alcohol is not the cause of his problems. He has never dealt with any of his grief issues, including losing a child or his parents or any other things that go on. I'm hoping the retreat will help him with these things.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to coax him into the car to go to the retreat?

[Rain]

I am sure the retreat will indeed help him to start to deal with unaddressed grief issues. I know what you mean when you say that alcohol is not the cause of his problems but right now it is the thing which is making his life unmanageable. If he is staying in bed drinking then his life has got pretty unmanageable and the drinking will just exacerbate all the other problems. Nothing will get better while he continues to drink. This is just a hunch but he sounds like a man who desperately needs a release valve for all that has happened to him. This retreat sounds ideal for making a start on that. Are there any male members of his family, such as a brother or maybe a friend who could talk him into going? Another idea may be to write him a letter. That way he can’t interrupt and make excuses and you will be heard. Start by telling him how much you love him and want him to be well again. But be firm and let him know you cannot endure things as they are. When someone resorts to their bed it is quite serious, because they are withdrawing as far as it is possible to withdraw from life. Have you tried asking the people who run the retreat for advice? I feel for you so much. Reach out for help as much as you can because this sounds horrendous to deal with. Sending you hugs. I hope something works soon.:hugs:

[dallas11]

Ah thanks. unfortunately there aren't really any family members I can turn to for help, they have all given up. His dad, who is at least mildly responsive, is in India on holiday, and can't be reached. The guy who runs the centre basically has said that if my husband won't come of his own will, then they can't help him. I just need to get him in the car... The plan is to leave in the next three hours while he's too groggy to resist. I'm hoping.... The retreat is near Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, and is called Innisfree, does anyone have any experience with it? It's very expensive and I'm a bit scared of being scammed. It's going to cost all my savings to put him in there for three weeks.

[Rain]

Obviously I don't know this place but I had a look at the web site and there is no mention of medical detox. If he has been drinking very heavily it would be dangerous to just stop. He needs to taper off his drinking under medical supervision and with the help of medication. Are there actual medical doctors at this place?

[dallas11]

Hi Rain,

yes there are and we have also been to the GP to check liver etc.

His liver is fine as he tends to do short term binges followed by periods of abstinence (remarkable recovery capcity... I figure his body is telling him it wants to live).

His GP has advised on many occasions that he can stop without harm. In addition I have confirmed with the health department that this place is accredited for both mental health and drug/alcohol abuse. They've also told me directly that they dont' do the 'cut off' method as each person has to make their own choices, and if you remove the choice during therapy, they will continue in the old behaviour pattern when they return to real life. I was just hoping somone may be able to shed some light on tht particular institution.

So do you think if I call a relative of his, it will help get him there or will it just make him dig his heels in?

I really appreciate your input.
Lex.

[Rain]

It's a hard one to call. Someone he respects -another man- telling him, 'It's time to do something, mate' might just swing it.

[dallas11]

Hmm. I don't know. But I guess no-one does and that's part of the issue... i just want to get the best treatment for him that is possible.

[flossie]

:welcome: