robin321
23-02-12, 14:15
I posted the other day, but deleted it because I realized I was seeking reassurance. But I am not doing a good job of reassuring myself and am only getting more stressed.
Long story short..
Been stressing about my nodes since November. At first I actually really, really poked and pushed my neck trying to move my bump and see if I could feel it. This made everything worse, the bump got bigger. My skin got all red. Then I realized I could move bumps. Anyway, I couldnt leave the area alone. I finally got an ultrasound, and was referred to an ENT because I had a 2.4cm by 1.2cm node, and two smaller ones (.9cm).
By the time I got the referal they had gone down. I have Crohns, and I saw my specialist for that at this time. I don't know why, but I didn't see him earlier. Anyway, he felt me and thought everything felt good. And he saw the ultrasound report, and told me not to worry. This was 5 weeks ago, one week after getting referred to the ENT. He asked what I thought was a node, and he said he couldn't feel it but it was prob my carteroid artery. I felt better for a day or so, but then realized it wasn't my artery because it got smaller and started to move around a lot. Then I panicked, and felt worse. Things started to feel a more noticeable. But it is almost like they were healing at that point, and went from harder to more squishy so moved around a lot, thus making me notice. After that suddenly my neck felt good! I realized it was a bit swollen, because suddenly it felt right. So I felt a bit relieved, but it is almost like my tolerance got higher (meaning I needed more reassurance) because I suddenly thought I could see the node in the mirror if I bent a certain way. So I drove myself nuts, checking over and over (see all my old posts)
I waited a month to see the ENT. I saw him last week. I didn't know before, but he isn't just any ENT. He is a cancer surgeon, and actually is the best and busiest one in my city. His speciality is throat/thyroid cancer. My Dr sent me to him because he can do a biopsy on the spot, and she knows I wouldn't want to wait.
He listned to my story. A part which I haven't mentioned is I started a drug for my crohns right before this started. It surpresses your immune system.
The Dr heard this, and mentioned right away that swollen lymph nodes can be a side effect (I guess because the infection is slow to heal). I had a bad shaving infection over this spot the week before I noticed.
As soon as he heard this, he checked my neck. He asked me what I thought was my node. I showed him. He told me that is what he felt.
And then she smiled, and told me not to worry! He said it had gone down, and cancer never goes down. His words 'Cancer gets bigger not smaller'. He said it felt 1.1cm. But he said we would get an ultrasound just to make sure, but he is sure the ultrasound will just say I have a 1.1cm lymph node, which is fine. If it is smaller he is happy. He told me he is a cancer Dr, see cancer everyday and that this isn't cancer. I asked him if he could do ultrasound (he had a machine right beside me) but he told me he will only do that with biopsies. But he said the ultrasound people will probably give me my results right there.
I left there feeling a little relieved. This was a week ago. My ultrasound is in a week. But a day or two after leaving I got even more nervous. What if he missed it? What if he was wrong? What if the ultrasound shows it is still as big? Logically I don't think so. I can feel it is smaller, but what if there is one deeper down? So I am actually more nervous this week than last week!? And I am having a harder time not checking. I keep trying to measure where I think it is. Sometimes I think he is right, it feels like 1cm. But if I bend a certain way it might be 2cm. I am scared I am making it worse, and so it will be bigger. I am scared the ultrasound people won't tell me anything, thus making me more nervous. I am scared of a lot.
As a result I am not concentrating on my new job. Before leaving the Dr even told me I have nothing to worry about for this, and to worry about my new job instead. Ha! He doesn't know me.
And when I am with my family I feel isolated. I always am glancing at my neck, or sneaking a trip to the bathroom. Isnt that messed up?
I lost my mom to cancer, and it was very traumatic. That is where my Health Anxiety started. This is the worst it has ever been. And I think the lymph node is the worst, because I can try to check to reassure myself. If it was something I couldn't see I would check on the net, etc.. but there would be a limit. Here there is no limit, because it is just me.
Long story short..
Been stressing about my nodes since November. At first I actually really, really poked and pushed my neck trying to move my bump and see if I could feel it. This made everything worse, the bump got bigger. My skin got all red. Then I realized I could move bumps. Anyway, I couldnt leave the area alone. I finally got an ultrasound, and was referred to an ENT because I had a 2.4cm by 1.2cm node, and two smaller ones (.9cm).
By the time I got the referal they had gone down. I have Crohns, and I saw my specialist for that at this time. I don't know why, but I didn't see him earlier. Anyway, he felt me and thought everything felt good. And he saw the ultrasound report, and told me not to worry. This was 5 weeks ago, one week after getting referred to the ENT. He asked what I thought was a node, and he said he couldn't feel it but it was prob my carteroid artery. I felt better for a day or so, but then realized it wasn't my artery because it got smaller and started to move around a lot. Then I panicked, and felt worse. Things started to feel a more noticeable. But it is almost like they were healing at that point, and went from harder to more squishy so moved around a lot, thus making me notice. After that suddenly my neck felt good! I realized it was a bit swollen, because suddenly it felt right. So I felt a bit relieved, but it is almost like my tolerance got higher (meaning I needed more reassurance) because I suddenly thought I could see the node in the mirror if I bent a certain way. So I drove myself nuts, checking over and over (see all my old posts)
I waited a month to see the ENT. I saw him last week. I didn't know before, but he isn't just any ENT. He is a cancer surgeon, and actually is the best and busiest one in my city. His speciality is throat/thyroid cancer. My Dr sent me to him because he can do a biopsy on the spot, and she knows I wouldn't want to wait.
He listned to my story. A part which I haven't mentioned is I started a drug for my crohns right before this started. It surpresses your immune system.
The Dr heard this, and mentioned right away that swollen lymph nodes can be a side effect (I guess because the infection is slow to heal). I had a bad shaving infection over this spot the week before I noticed.
As soon as he heard this, he checked my neck. He asked me what I thought was my node. I showed him. He told me that is what he felt.
And then she smiled, and told me not to worry! He said it had gone down, and cancer never goes down. His words 'Cancer gets bigger not smaller'. He said it felt 1.1cm. But he said we would get an ultrasound just to make sure, but he is sure the ultrasound will just say I have a 1.1cm lymph node, which is fine. If it is smaller he is happy. He told me he is a cancer Dr, see cancer everyday and that this isn't cancer. I asked him if he could do ultrasound (he had a machine right beside me) but he told me he will only do that with biopsies. But he said the ultrasound people will probably give me my results right there.
I left there feeling a little relieved. This was a week ago. My ultrasound is in a week. But a day or two after leaving I got even more nervous. What if he missed it? What if he was wrong? What if the ultrasound shows it is still as big? Logically I don't think so. I can feel it is smaller, but what if there is one deeper down? So I am actually more nervous this week than last week!? And I am having a harder time not checking. I keep trying to measure where I think it is. Sometimes I think he is right, it feels like 1cm. But if I bend a certain way it might be 2cm. I am scared I am making it worse, and so it will be bigger. I am scared the ultrasound people won't tell me anything, thus making me more nervous. I am scared of a lot.
As a result I am not concentrating on my new job. Before leaving the Dr even told me I have nothing to worry about for this, and to worry about my new job instead. Ha! He doesn't know me.
And when I am with my family I feel isolated. I always am glancing at my neck, or sneaking a trip to the bathroom. Isnt that messed up?
I lost my mom to cancer, and it was very traumatic. That is where my Health Anxiety started. This is the worst it has ever been. And I think the lymph node is the worst, because I can try to check to reassure myself. If it was something I couldn't see I would check on the net, etc.. but there would be a limit. Here there is no limit, because it is just me.