What do I do with my life?

[mashedbanana]

Just to be able to write this means that I'm not as bad as I could be, but I'd really like some help from you good folks. Probably easiest if I start by listing a few facts about myself:


35, female, living with male partner of 10 years.
Musician, chasing some kind of response from music industry (I know, fickle!) and have had glimmers of hope and have basically given up trying
Parents and brother very successful in music business and parents told me for years not to go into it, but I thought I'd give it my best shot
Own business with partner, ticking along but in serious need of a reshape.

I have damaged the business by my regular bouts of depression (my black dog). The most major recently was when I finished my first album, replaced all the windows in my house (not myself, some men did it!) and finished a stint back in my old field (voluntary sector) for six months, after a major business change. I worked through it with Citalopram but it lasted six months. Last year I had another bout. Now here's another.

So it feels like every year for the past 3 there have been major bouts. Before that, other major bouts and also regular panic/anxiety. Giving up the contraceptive pill helped take away the extreme depression but I'm still paralysed with it and while I can keep myself out of trouble I'm basically going through the motions and wishing my life away. I can't be bothered with anything - hobbies, friends, exercise, diet - all those things that they say will help with depression.

Basically now I feel that I have completely broken my life. All my family have suffered depression/anxiety but as we all know it doesn't help when someone says "I've been there too", not when you're in the pits of despair - you feel like only you have ever felt this bad. Of course you know it's not true because when you surf the net for help you come across nice places like this site and find other people in the pits! Ironically I've helped certain family members through horrible times and I'm a practical and capable nurse but when they're better I fall apart.

I'm constantly amazed that my partner is still with me. It's he who talks about "mashed banana", after he's calmed me down from a panic and offering to strap me down and feed me. This makes me laugh, which in turn makes me cry! He's been through panics in his time so he's very patient with me. He also hates bananas.

So, I find myself making plans for my life in these periods. I want to cut off all my hair, throw out everything in the house, change career. Ideally I'd be a successful musician/entrepreneur, doing a bit of this and that, but I just don't have the mental or physical energy. At times like this I just think I'd be better off getting a steady job in something entirely unrelated to creativity. I've made myself a part of the family business and so it's a very hard thing to give up, but I'm not being creative at all these days and feel like I'm just pretending.

My question to all of you is: What the hell do I do? Drugs? Move house? Cut my hair? Move countries? Go to a retreat? I have no idea! I can't face wasting another year on this hopelessness. Many thanks for reading xx :wacko::shrug:

[nok_tok]

life is hard isnt it, i too am a musician, i studied music at college/uni for years as soon as i left my course i fell pregnant, the band that i was in have became quite sucessful touring japan, usa etc etc so i lost a big break...10+years later , 3 kids and i just feel run down, i cant even play my guitar without the kids bugging me or telling me off...im run down, i still have 'pipe dreams' of becmeing sucessful, i have wrote my own stuff but thats about as far as it goes...your quite lucky that you have recoreded your own album, best advice i could give is no dont do drugs or move house/cut hair but theres no reason why you cant have a break or career change if you feel up to it....

[blingkasa]

I'm a Composer, writer, producer who at the moment spends most of the day in bed thinking why bother? I know those times of no mental or physical energy and i get frustrated with myself but not enough to do anything . Yes, run down is the word and hopeless and like i have no role. If you want to cut your hair then , if its a nice style you should. I cut my hair a few weeks ago, it takes ages to grow and i looked " neater" : ) Then again i have taken to dressing in cut off jeans and tee shirts on a daily basis and dont bother to make an effort. I feel anxious and worried all the time and i guess all our mental energy goes into this . As for a career change, try doing other small things that interest you. I sell bodyscrubs ( when i am in the mood to make them) I do part time staff recruitment for companies and they are all little money spinners. I also compose songs and write scripts but it doesnt bring that much satisfaction. I think take baby steps and dont be so hard on yourself, if you are interested in doing something else then look up different businesses, one of my favourite online sites is Entrepreneur .com. Its very inspiring and full of ideas. Thats the key i think, to find something that inspires you and keeps you busy and passionate. Lots of Luck.

[Jaco45er]

I wish I was a musician, I play guitar badly, but I sound great if your drunk and the kids constantly remind me I am NOT David Grohl.

They say creative people are more susceptible to depression and anxiety, they think deeper and dwell, although I have never been accused of being a thinker ;)

From what you have wrote, to me it seems you feel trapped in the family business, and possibly feel responsible for the position in the business, and to leave you feel you are letting the family down? Maybe wrong I am (Man, why do I type like Yoda?!!!).

I am an X-sufferer, and I am not going to bore you with the whys and hows, and "you will get better" speech but I would just like to say this.

When my anxiety, panic and depression was at it's worst (less depressed, but lost interest in EVERYTHING), there was a few things in my life I hated, and one of the biggest was my job. I held the job down (I have never achieved much, but I did manage to hold a job down and even go to meetings with stuffy muppets in suits with high anxiety).

However, after trying all kinds of therapies and pills, I really did end up forcing myself to do some stuff that I thought would either Kill or Cure me (glad to report, it was the latter :)) and one of those was starting my own company.

Now I am not saying start your own company (dodging the taxman can be exhausting) but my point is, when you are doing something everyday that you do not enjoy, and you are in that state of mind when you are not at your best, then it can seem like you are trapped forever. If you can change it to make your days more enjoyable to you, then that in itself is therapy.

I wouldn't do the drugs, moving house is stressful, cut your hair? if you like, the Sinead O'Connor look is back in, move country? summer is coming so no, and a retreat? too much tree hugging and camomile tea for me.

You have an understanding partner, thats a bonus :), and my advice would be, fix the thinking before making any decisions. You sound like a person that would get bored doing something that wasn't creative. Maybe see your GP to see if you could try other treatments like CBT etc, and once you feel better (and you will), that's the time to make the decisions that will change your life for the better in the future.

End of waffle

TC

Jaco

[mashedbanana]

You guys are wonderful. I thought I might wheedle out a few more musicians on here and you're right, I think being creative has a price. But I've written some great songs about my moods! You're right too in that I would probably feel the urge to be creative again once I have given myself a break.

I should point out that when I said drugs I really meant ADs and not the hard stuff. I smoke one rollie a day, nothing but tobacco. My doc and last counsellor laughed when I admitted to it, so it doesn't worry me.

Jaco - I do have a business with my partner, and there are other things I do for other family members. My partner loves doing music and wouldn't have it any other way which is why I feel guilt about not working on it with him.

Blinkasa - Entrepreneur.com looks interesting. One of my interests is recycling clothing. I had the idea when I was 10 and it wasn't a big thing then. I really wish I'd put more effort in back then as everyone is doing it now! I guess I need to reserve certain interests purely as hobbies and not think of them as careers though, as that's where the rot sets in. Another interest is photography but again, it's a family interest. It's not that there's any pressure, except for the pressure of them all thinking I'm amazing at everything I do because once I made a nice drawing or sewed a nice cushion.

Nok Tok, what a shame your kids don't support you in playing. They should be proud they have a talented mum. I did record an album and it took about 15 years to get together and now I'm being told it's out of date! I can't win.

Anyway, a job got cancelled today so maybe I'll go and chop up some sweaters and "upcycle" them.

Have good days everybody and thanks again. xx

[paula lynne]

Calling all talented musicians/songwriters!!!! NMP NEEDS YOU!!!
On the NMP facebook page, a member is currently asking members to lay down tracks/write lyrics/sing samples......hes putting together a song in aid of NMP to be sold.......I wonder if any of you talented people would consider helping out?

I cant post links being a total technophobe, but Im sure some clever person could. Have a gander, see what you think!
Paula x

[dallas11]

well can anyone tell me which NMP the facebook one is? there are a few...

[mashedbanana]

http://www.facebook.com/groups/7078088709/

There is a link to the NMP FB page right at the bottom of this site's page. I'm asking to join so I can have a look at helping with the song. Thanks for the tip-off Paula!

[paula lynne]

No problems mb! Im ok at poetry, so I might have a bash at some lyrics! Keep me outta trouble and give me something to focus on! :)

[dallas11]

Oh dear I suppose you're all in the uk aren't you. Rats. Well there goes my high tea idea for jamming with some scones.

Apologies for the inappropriate attempt at a joke... my constant defence is, I work at a bank. Gotta amuse myself somehow....

[tomohawk]

hey guys its me again with more fundraising......
as a musician my self and a producer i am working on recording a cd with various local (and hopefully some not so local) musicians...... these cd's will be recorded and printed and then sold for a small sum and all money raised will be going too N.M.P so this is what i need from you guys:

if you are a musician: for you to contact me to record or record and send me a song that is mixed (or separate tracks if you would like me to mix it) of a song (can be a cover or original (kind of nmp focused))

if you are a lyricist: and would like to write a song based on nmp what its about or the work it does then i have artists than can work it into something magical

if you are a music lover: please tell me what kind of genre you would like to hear as a lot of the artists at the moment are acoustic but we can rock, blues, jazz, swing, things up if you like

please either comment below or inbox me to arrange anything would be great to have as much input from you guys as possible

[paula lynne]

Ive done it Tom, and just posted lyrics on NMP facebook *shakes*.....hope you like it! x I personally love rock and accoustic stuff, but hope you can use it and add your magic touch!
Love Pol x

[mashedbanana]

Hi all, me again.

I do mean to get on here when I'm not so bad, to help others in return, but now I'm just back for my own sake :)

I've had a good start to the week, temping in a couple of places at reception. It's very easy work, I feel needed, I'm not at home moping. I got home and did some housework. On Wednesday I did more stuff and Thursday a bit more. But last night the anxiety started. It gets physical - like iron filings being pulled around with a magnet, feeling dizzy, etc.

Thing is, I booked myself in for temping because I know it helps. I'm getting a singing class together as I've promised to do for ages, I had anxiety cos it wasn't filled and now that it is I have anxiety because of an over-confident 13-yo girl! What's wrong with me! Inactivity is my enemy but when tasks and demands, good business even, come along I feel I can't handle it.

The classes exist because I am a good teacher and a good singer. I was like this girl once. I can keep control over a class and this shouldn't be any different. I guess because of the anxiety I just feel useless, like I'm pretending to be an expert. The girl is coming because a friend bigged me up to her mum saying how great I am. The way I feel at the moment I just feel very much not great, not worth anything. My sensible head says I've got the expertise and my anxiety head says I'm crap.

So damn silly! Hope this doesn't sound cocky but I guess you focus on a profession and you need the confidence to carry it off. I've been contacting industry people and hope I make it seem like I'm gig-ready but god forbid they should book me for one next week!

Bed is the safest place for me at the moment, with a book that I can lose myself in. Not the most constructive place for getting on with business though, is it.

Just letting off steam. One day at a time.

Hope you're all doing ok xx

[StormKitten_1]

-snip-


I'm only 21 so not much in life. Due to your age you could be facing that point that some people call "midlife crisis". Sounds like you've done a lot in your life so far but feel that there is so much 'lost potential' also.
Your asking what to do now? Well, what do you WANT to do? Go for a make-over, if you can afford it and think its worth it, then move. Its down to how you feel, whether these changes would be beneficial to YOU and whether you can make these changes without 'messing anything up' (such as work etc)

When my mum died back in 2010, I was left in a run down house owned by my uncle. He NEVER did any repairs unless he did them himself (often botch jobs). I was in college and although I liked the course, it wasnt 100% for me and due to stress I struggled with the work load. My partner moved in with me and I took things out on him.
After two years, we needed a break. The shock of him saying he was leaving me, made me realise I needed a change. Move house, get away from this 'hell hole' that i've lived in since birth. Cut people out my life who only cause hassle or who have a habit of turning on me suddenly.... Make-over, new clothes, take on training in something ive been interested in for years etc.

Now, 2 months on and me and my partner are back together and trying again slowly. We might move back in together should we find a decent flat/house to rent where we both feel comfortable.


A whole fresh start...... even if its just a change of scenery for a few days or weeks, anything is better then sticking to the same routine day in day out.

Good luck =) x

[mashedbanana]

Stormkitten, wise words from one so young ;-) This does indeed feel a bit of a midlife crisis. Today I had 3 calls on me to use my talents and they basically put me in bed for the whole morning. I keep thinking I should chuck everything and change but do I really want something different?

I'm temping tonight, taking minutes for an organisation I used to work with on a much higher level. They'll be surprised to see me. It'll get me out of the house.

I know one day things will get better but when I hit the lows it feels like I'm never going to get out.

I had my eyebrows threaded last week - look nice but it's painful! And I also stripped my hair of the red that's been in it for about 4 years. So that's a change. And soon I'm going on holiday but last time I did that I had a downer the whole time!

Jeez. What a trainwreck.

I hope things go well for you and your partner and glad you're taking it slowly. Sounds like you can start again with him on an equal footing rather than relying on a family connection which I know well can be hard.
xx

[Julianne]

So sorry to read of your many troubles, you are clearly going through a difficult time.
It is interesting you referred to your depression as your 'black dog' which was coined by Winston Churchill who used that expression for his and he also coined the phrase 'one darned thing after another' which is how the flow of your life seems to be recently.
It might help if you could just step back from it all, even if this is just for spaces during the day and tried some mindfulness meditation. Maybe allow yourself just an hour each day or even just half an hour, when you just allow what is to be, just for a short while surrender to what is and completely relax. I feel you need to slow down some of the intensive mind activity, the mental noise, constant thoughts.
Whatever you decide to do I wish you well and hope that your musical career takes off for you and that your life as a whole returns to a more stable situation.
kind thoughts

[mashedbanana]

Julianne, that's very kind of you. Well, old Winston managed to get by with his black dog. I understand he liked bricklaying as a meditative passtime. I'm trying to do things like crochet in that sense. I also take Alexander Technique lessons which I try to apply to my whole life. But the lying down for 10 minutes was always scary as I was alone with my thoughts. You're right that meditation will help, it's just having the courage to do it. There's a Buddhist centre up the road, I need to push myself there.

[Julianne]

Julianne, that's very kind of you. Well, old Winston managed to get by with his black dog. I understand he liked bricklaying as a meditative passtime. I'm trying to do things like crochet in that sense. I also take Alexander Technique lessons which I try to apply to my whole life. But the lying down for 10 minutes was always scary as I was alone with my thoughts. You're right that meditation will help, it's just having the courage to do it. There's a Buddhist centre up the road, I need to push myself there.

Kindest thanks mashedbanana,
You come across as an altogether person, you have your faculties, you have just slipped, shall we put musically, a fraction of an octave; but you will get back.
Always remember this simple thought: It is not the content of our lives that is the problem but how we react to that content.
Take care, we want to see you on the pyramid stage at Glastonbury before you are much older! :winks:
Blessings

[mashedbanana]

Bless you Julianne, that's very kind! Fingers crossed for Glasto, I always said I'd never go back as a punter! You're absolutely right about reaction to the content of our lives - I even wrote that into a song!

Hope you're well x

[Julianne]

Bless you Julianne, that's very kind! Fingers crossed for Glasto, I always said I'd never go back as a punter! You're absolutely right about reaction to the content of our lives - I even wrote that into a song!

Hope you're well x

There you go you see, I just knew you had it in you. Now go for it gal, There is no Glastonbury this year so make it onto one of the fringe stages in 2013, then headlining on the Pyramid Stage in 2014, but there is only one snag. . .
You have to get me a free front row ticket for your first O2 Arena gig okay! :yahoo: