Self harm?

[.Poppy.]

I've had anxiety my entire life; for the past four years I've had health anxiety in addition to regular anxiety that shows itself in various ways.

I never used to "harm" in the past - when I got really upset and angry, I would usually just hyperventilate, sometimes come close to throwing up (never actually did, even though my anxiety can cause me to be sick at other times).

Over the past year, though, I've started to. I do NOT just sit around and cut myself, nor do I do it on a regular basis. I think in the past year I have had three incidents - two that resulted in an actual injury (one left a somewhat fading scar and the most recent likely will as well).

For me, it's as if I just get so frustrated and have so much bottled up that I feel I will just burst. I typically feel angry and/or that no one is really understanding me at that point in time. The first time was when my father was taking me and my brother back to the college dorms, my brother and I fought, and he smacked me. My father did nothing (he rarely disciplines my brother). I felt so frustrated and angry, and as I was about to see my roommate, and we were in town, I couldn't get it out so I just scratched myself - over and over. The most recent time I'd been arguing with my brother for hours, he wasn't listening to me, and I did it again because I just felt so...upset.

Typing this it feels like I've overreacted and I don't want to be this way at all. For me, it's almost like the scratching is distracting me and helping me to focus so that I can calm down.

I don't go to any therapy for my anxiety because I'm not sure it is covered by our insurance and I don't want to make my parents pay - and honestly, they don't know the level of anxiety I sometimes have and I don't really talk about it because I don't like to seem dramatic. I also don't want to be on medication anyway, and am not sure what they would think about CBT. Also - I know this is strange - but I'm trying so hard to just be strong and work through things *myself* and have actually come pretty far.

My question here is - I've read the article this site has to offer....does anyone have experience with this, and do you think those methods work? I hate myself so much afterward and I hate lying to people about what happened, so I'm willing to try.

Thanks.

[Diszle]

You'll not like hearing this but the best solution is honestly.

Your anxiety is cyclicle and unless you do something to break the cycle you will struggle to make large gains. If you are honest with your parents and explain to them how you feel whats the worst that will happen?

It helps to write it down and rationalise it. Write down everything that could happen and then order them from most to least likely and you'll probarbly see it isnt as bad as you think. I tried to deal with it solo, it isnt a cure only a recipie for subsitance, get help and come clean. Its the hardest thing to do but once you have done it you'll wonder why you didnt do it years ago!

[Bill]

I wanted to share this with you because I've been there, done it and come through it for myself without any professional help but just as in the case of any type of anxiety and its symptoms, you do need to feel strong enough and have the willpower to persevere. A ghost can say "boo" and you can react by running away to stop feeling afraid or you can learn how to stand up to it and tell it to leave you alone.

I feel self harm is like an addiction because of the good feeling it releases. I always think of self harm as "emotional pain" that needs to be got rid of and they do say that by harming yourself you release endorphines which do ease your pain by making you feel good but it never lasts so every time you feel in pain you go back to the same behaviour.

That was the case for me anyway. You don't have to be young either. I was in my 40's when I started due to too much emotional pressure. My self harm was only mild but I'd use anything sharp on my wrist, but when I realised people would see the cuts, I moved further up the arm. I'd also turn to a hammer and repeatedly bang my hand until it was bruised. If anyone said anything I'd say I'd accidently hurt myself. I must confess though that these days when I do feel very depressed and I'm doing a job such as clearing brambles, I won't care too much if I do get scratched but that's an exception rather than the rule, and I do always get over it.

The trouble with any cuts is that when you're better the scars will always be there as a reminder of your past trauma. Therefore, the things that used to help me were punching a pillow or keeping a rubber band handy to snap gainst your wrist. Later, I was able to stop completely by learning better ways of coping with emotional pain such as finding things I really enjoyed that would stop me dwelling on my feelings.

Although this is an anxiety site, not everyone suffers from the same types of anxiety so I do feel that unless you've been there yourself, even an anxiety sufferer might not understand others actions. I know when I was young I couldn't understand it myself when beautiful people could hurt themselves in such a way. It wasn't until I was driven to it myself that I understood.

If you feel you can't stop yourself, it is important you do seek help because it can be overcome. If you don't think you're worth it, ask yourself if you think a beautiful rose deserves to be cut because even if you can't see yourself as that rose, others will without a doubt.:flowers::hugs: