Guilt

[7star]

Guilt stemming from depression is a funny thing. I'll be in the depths of hell for weeks at a time but then suddenly it will all come up and I become so disgusted with myself for existing.

I want to tear myself to pieces, destroy myself there and then. The anxiety that accompanies these emotions is hidious and when it happens really does feel like I'm losing my mind.

To keep being gripped with an overwhelming need to murder oneself is an unsustainable place to be.

I'll try and look to the sun and seek that rainbow.

7star :huh:

[R.Barratt]

i completely understand it is a horrible place to be when you want to die and kill yourself so much it hurts. dont hate yourself for feeling how you do you are not to blame it is not you you are more than your mental health :D so keep smiling and know you are worth it xxx

[7star]

Elad and R.Barratt - thanks loads to you both for your feedback.

For me it's different from the suicidal feelings I experience. Those feelings can be like a constant dark cloud in the background, kind of like an unpleasent hum that never lets up.

The feelings that come up as a result of guilt are really severe and have a sense of volitility to them. It's not about wanting to kill myself due to being so depressed, it's a sense of being repulsed and ashamed that I exist that all I want is to be destroyed.

These particular emotions are triggered by certain life experiences memories (well flash-backs really related to PTSD). I know the cause and why it happens but it's a horrible head space to find oneself in. Kind of frightens me. I get dizzy and confused and can't think straight with all the adrenalin rushing about around my body.

It's not the same as being suicidal as in wanting to die. It's being homicidal towards oneself, where one feels they have no right to live.

:unsure: