moping

[hellybelly1982]

Hi everyone, im new here. I need some kind words.

I have battled anxiety, depression and ocd for approx ten years. It has stolen from me my career and my self confidence. Iam on citalopram 20mg and at my worst I was on psyc ward in 2010 for two months.

I have lots of worrys about sleep. This stems back to an incident at university which resulted in me not sleeping for about a week and becoming very ill.I'am always terrified I wont sleep. And I had a night a few months back where I got no sleep one night and it reinforced the fear.

I work as a cleaner and up until today had three different jobs totalling 22 hours. I was finding this to much and to stressful and decided to drop one of my jobs. This has helped to relieve the anxiety but done nothing for self esteem. I know I did the right thing and im lucky to have a husband that supports me but I still feel very upset. My job requires me to be up at 5.00am in the morning and I was feeling particualry anxious as on a tuesday I wouldnt be getting in till half four in the afternoon. I also have a torn tendon in my shoulder and the pain is causing me alot of anxeity.

What i'm at is, is that im just so sick sometimes of always fighting, always worrying. I just wish I was normal. I wish I could look in the mirror and accept myself for who I'am. I wish I could leave the house like a normal person without checking everything a hundred times.

I have a good life, I do. I have nice parents and like I said a lovely husband. Although I rent a small flat I love where we live and the life we made I just wish I could be a better person. I know im a nice and generous person. I just wish I could have a normal full time job like normal people and not worry.

Sorry for moping and feeling sorry for myself. Just wanted to let it out a bit.

Thanks for listening x

[ShazyA]

Hi Hellybelly
You want to be a better person? I dont see anything in your post that makes you a bad (for want of a better word) person. My motto is "never put yourself down, there a queue of people in the world only to happy to do that for you"
what is your actual fear regarding sleep? you need to wind down pror to bedtime, and find something to concentrate on when you get into bed ( I redecorate the house, or imagine Iv won the lotto and imagine buying this that and other... yep funny huh? lol) but keeps my mind off actually falling asleep.
We are all in the same boat here and feel we are paddling against the tide, hopefully together some of us can paddle in the right direction.

[theharvestmouse]

hellybelly, I empathise with you, its terrible how anxiety and depression can have such an impact that it affects our choices in life, career etc,.. But you have to be positive and it sounds like you have a loving family around you and you sound happy.

I struggle with work and who knows what I would be doing were it not for the anxiety, I don't know. Maybe you need to reduce the work hours on your current jobs and then try to find a full time job with normal 9-5 hours.

[blue moon]

Hi.I had to stop work due to everything that I was seeing,it affected my sleep patterns it was hard for me to give up job,but my mental health and well being come first,have you tried lavender on temples i find it work for me.Try not to put yourself down,you ARE a wonderful woman.
Love Petra xx:flowers: