View Full Version : Relationship problems ......

lilac kitten
07-05-04, 14:04
I hope nobody minds me ranting here, but I really need some kind words of somebody.

My partner has been a heavy drinker and smoker for a few years, and always a liar (only about silly things like what time he got to the pub and how many he's had). Anyway, I stuck with him, I believed he would change, come off the alcohol and be a better person. At times he's made a really big effort.

So far this year my Dad has died leaving me parentless, I had a colposcopy for precancerous cells, I've been the worst ever with panic and anxiety and I feel like I have a little post natal depression.

In the last few weeks my partner has been lying about how much he's had to drink and wetting himself at night and his attitude is just to shrug his shoulders and say he doesn't care anymore, he doesn't want to be with me, I'm this and that. Then the next he's all apologetic and going to change. He's not a physical bully, but a mental one.

My one friend I have left has told me to leave him and start afresh, so has a colleague at work. But I'm so scared. I am so bad with anxiety at the moment and panic that I'm scared to be on my own and in the house on my own, especially with the two kids and trying to hold down a full time job.

Common sense tells me they are right, but when I tried to explain to my eldest son who is five, he said "I want daddy, I hate you". Can you imagine how I felt, so I stay in an unhappy house.

I'm fortunate enough that the house is all mine, but if he went he would refuse to see the kids, and I'd never get out because there is no one I know who could or would babysit, I'd have no adult conversation after work and no chance to unwind.

I do love him - the nice him, but not the last two weeks him. I feel really tearful all the time - how could someone who I took in and did so much for and care for be so cruel to another human being, especially when he knows how low I am and what I've been though this year. Earlier this year he said we'd beat my anxiety together, yesterday he said I put it all on to trap him. We've been together 13 years and have two kids - he did all the running.

The alcohol is the major issue here as when he's sober is a nice person, but just lately he's been influenced by his workmates who have no lives and bunking off work to sit in the pub - even driving after.

I've rambled on, and I'm not sure what I want to achieve by writing this, I guess I just need to talk to others who understand how my mind works as opposed to those who know what I should do, but not the dilema which comes with anxiety, panic and lonliness.


07-05-04, 14:26
I am in the same boat as you - i have just had a massive row with my fiance - his problem is cannabis not drink. When he is off it he is not too bad but I am sure that it affects him whilst smoking a joint and even when not.

It is really hard for our personality types as we become dependent on our partners for so much. My fiance's main problem is jealosy. He tries to control what I wear, where i get undressed in the house, who i talk to when I am out etc... It wears you down so much that I seem to have little energy left to fight the panic but the irrational part of my brain tells me I will panic without him. Catch 22.

I have no answers for you Lilac Kitten but please be assured that i thoroughly understand what you are gouing through. As I sit here typing my face is red raw with crying and arguing. We cannot communicate anymore - when i try to explain about the smoking and the jealosy he just complains about what he has to put up with and my problems and how i control his life. Admittedly - we cannot go abroad, travel far etc.. but i do try and compensate. I am the main breadwinner by far, having luckily found a job that i can do at home. I used to teach law but had to give this up due the panic but now i am self-emplyed as a legal indexer.

My mum says i will be better off without him and as things stand she may well be right but I am too scared to be on my own again - like you.

Keep in touch and maybe together we will find the answers.


07-05-04, 15:18
Hi Womble and Ruth,

This is simply cut and pasted from the 5th chapter in my Managing Anxiety course so it may not all be relevent but you may find some parallels to ponder on.

''However your dependence emerged - itís now a habit and in order to change it will boil down to a case of how much do you want to change.

Many people dream of changing their characters a little but the reality is that their lives would never be the same again and that would be too much uncertainty to cope with.

An old colleague of mine from college was a victim of bullying at home but if she had changed and become assertive she'd have lost her place in the family as they couldn't, or maybe wouldn't have coped with her in any other role other than virtually a modern day Cinderella (before the ball).

She chose to stay with the devil she knew rather than attempt to make it on her own as she felt her anxiety and depression would be exacerbated by the trauma and stress. However by staying where she was, meant that the anxiety and depression would continue to one degree or another as the sources of these were largely due to the mistrust, aggressiveness and bad feeling constantly present in the house.

Many domestic violence homes are similar.
I'm sure you've heard of women who won't leave drunk violent husbands as the thought and anticipation of leaving would be worse than actually changing and they do not all have clinical anxiety or panic.

Alternatively , there are many people who have made painful personal changes and they have nurtured themselves and it has transformed them and given them wings.

Having anxiety makes these decisions much more difficult as even being in a dysfunctional household has the rudiments of the security we all yearn for.

Some questions you need to set yourself and look objectively at a few issues.

We all like to aportion blame.
Being realistically though, Who has changed most since anxiety hit- you or the others ? has their lives been affected greatly ? and is the behaviour demonstrated just - not as close or supportive as you now need or are you really being taken advantage of ?

Some families do not cope well with anxiety and its limitations and take to the bottle or receational drugs to cope as they may not be able to talk it through with you or know what to do to make it better so feel helpless so block it out anyway they can.

You may be very afraid of trying to make it on your own thinking it will worsen your anxiety to unmanageable levels and you will then still be anxious but now also be lonely and isolated with perhaps a young family and all those issues.

Only you know whether not having the distress at home will relieve you hugely and bring you eventual freedom or not.

We don't like change even though your anxiety is controllable within yourself and you may be so involved with others and building your new life -it may bring wonderful opportunities.

Or is this a bad patch and the role changes within the home open to change and with you all working together can you come through this a stronger, more assertive and independent person.

We all like to be in control of our own destiny and when we feel fear, it's harder to choose to push out boundaries and sieze opportunities, it's easier to just tread water until it gets better.

But will it get better within your current environment, do you have a chance to heal yourself and grow before the next trauma ?''


'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

11-05-04, 14:51
'Feel The fear and Do It Anyway' book covered a small part about relationships not working and people staying in them because the alternative is very scary.

Basically the advice was 'feel the fear and do it anyway'!!!

Alot easier said than done I know!!


11-05-04, 16:07
Hi All,

Not sure this is where I should be posting this but here goes.

Firstly I would like to comment on the posts above.

Ruth and Womble........

I am not sure really what to say, but I can add that I too have been through the same things you 2 are going through.

So I know what demons you two are battling right now.

I was in a dysfunctional relationship from the ages of 15-21 off and on. I fell deeply in love with a youngman a bit older than myself. I was 15 he was 19 and so worldly or so I thought.

He too abused alcohol, cannabis, pills and any other kind of recreational drug he could get his hands on. Which honestly initially made him that much more attractive to me because I wanted to save him from himself.

I went through "HELL" during which should have been the greatest years of my life.

After a few years of the same ol things day in day out. I started trying to get him off of the drugs,and drinking which would inevitably end up in a break up between us.

Then we would get back together with promises of a change, and as time passed we were right back at the beginning every single time.

Till I turned 19 and found myself pregnant with my first daughter. Now can I also add that he was my first everything. I felt as though no matter what, he was the man I gave myself to so this is the man I am to be with for the rest of my life.

I swore I would not let my daughter go through what I had gone through with him. I just knew having his child would slow him down a bit and change the way he lived.

Boy was I wrong.

My dad raised me as my mum left my dad and I when I was 5, so as I`m sure you can probably imagine my dad did`nt like this guy one bit, but it did`nt matter to me I defied everything he and everyone else told me, to be with him.

He would verbally, and emotionally abuse me. Only once maybe twice thinking back he actually put his hands on me, because out of pure heartbreak over the drug and alcohol use, and the way he was treating me. I went at him like a wild woman. So okay maybe I provoked him, but what I am trying to get at is this.

With all the years I spent trying to save him and make him a better man and help him get clean and sober, and with all the tears, hurt and pain that I still after 16 years or so live with.

I still ended up "ALONE" with my (2) little girls that were a product of this very dysfunctional relationship.

Though not the way you think. I lost him by way of a fatal car accident. Which was a consequence of his lifestyle. Drunk and high on recreational drugs on that fatal night forever changed me and my little girls who were at the time only 1 and 2.

So right now sitting here writing this crying my eyes out, I can`t even remember where I was going with this.

I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter how badly we want to change someone or make them see things from our point of view. It is never going to be that way till they want to change or God forbid something terrible happens for them to realize what they risk losing by continuing on with their lifestyles.

You know the old saying "YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TILL IT`S GONE". Hopefully it won`t take this (you all walking out) to happen for your partners to open their eyes and see what the consequences of their lifestyles might bring.

I know the solution to this kind of situation is much easier said than done, and no one can really tell us what to do can they?

We need to make these decisions for ourselves.Sometimes like in my case these decisions were made for me against my will.

I just wanted to share my experience with an alcoholic and drug user and the first love of my life.

I wholeheartedly feel for both of you, believe me when I say this.

There is no easy solution, but one needs to be made. Please do not wait till it is made for you.

If you feel your relationships are strong enough to stand a little bit of brutal honesty then by all means go for it.

Get some counseling. A counselor will be a bit more objective than the 2 of you on your own,

lilac kitten
11-05-04, 16:07
Hiya guys,

And thank you for all the advice. Womble, I know just where you're coming from and know how dull smoking that makes a person. My partner is like I'll just smoke this then we can go out or go shopping etc.

I took the bull by the horns and sat said partner down. I read him the riot act in a very placid nice way, and basically have said I have two kids and don't need a 3rd. He has to be an adult and behave in a way that he would expect his children to behave - after all he's big on discipline when it comes to school work, spellings, reading, and behaving!! I have also told him that I cannot take any more and that he would forfeit everything he has right now if he carries on being silly, and I would ask him to move back to his mothers.

It would be hard at first but no harder than what I have to put up with already. He told me he loved me and didn't want to lose all he had. I told him its not the material things you need to worry about losing, its the being part of a loving family and having someone who cares about you. He'll always have the kids love and relationship because he's their Dad.

We get on well when his head is clear and have a laugh. So thats how it is right now - until the next time I guess - thats when I need to mean what I say, but will I follow it through? ......


11-05-04, 17:30
Thnaks Diana, Ruth and everyone.

Diana - children are a real pain in the *** but a joy too. It sounds as if you have done nothing and this phase will probably pass as quickly as it came on. It might be worth a thought though to try and discreetly look for clues as to drugs, drink relationship problems - we all take it out on htose we love when we face live's little hurdles.

I cannot get over Diana's story though, - my partner does indeed drive all day long for a living and whenever I hear sirens I wonder is it him or not. He doesn't smoke the stuff at work but will have a smoke everyday but insists it is just like alcohol and does nothing bad to him. I feel like a real partypooper taking his enjoyment away from him but I feel like I have no real medical facts to back up my arguments that it is changing his personality and making him argumentative and paranoid. As well ... I feel guilty abpout my inability to go anywhere and by allowing him to smoke I can compensate for this. But I really wish he wouldn't and maybe he won't be so possessive and controlling and jealous. I got told off today for waving at the delivery driver who delivers my work to me!!

Sorry to ramble on - it feels like I am fighting everything. A five mile journey which I used to be able to do with only mild anxiety is turning out to a major panic inducing pain in the bum. I have vowed to do the round trip everyday until it no longer makes me anxious and have done it twice this week - will this help do you think if I just keep doing it?? Cost me a fortune in petrol ( for someone who cannot drive anywhere I drive a Subaru Impreza!!)



11-05-04, 17:33
Hiya Ruth,

Good for you "Taking the bull by the horns".

Maybe your partner will now realize how much his drinking and lying bother you, and he will get things in order.

I hope all goes well. :)

Do let us know how things get on.

Take care, best wishes dear,

Diana xoxoxo

11-05-04, 18:08
Hi Deb,

You are right children are a real pain in the bum, but a joy at the same time.

I hope this phase passes very soon. It is so hard to deal with.

I have suspected drug use or possibly drinking but have no firm evidence. I hope this is not the case though.

It just really worries me that she is so secretive and sneaky. Where I am the opposite I am very open about everything good and bad.

She won`t talk to me and does`nt want to be asked any questions about her whereabouts or activities. Does that sound "normal"????? If I ask any questions she quickly changes the subject and if I persue them then she leaves.

I also suspect relationship issues, but she won`t even talk about who she is seeing or talk about anything relative to a relationship. I just don`t know.

You are not wrong in thinking/ believing that the smoking is changing his personality. It most certainly does. One of the most standard/classic symptoms of smoking is paranoya.

You need not feel guilty for trying to get him to stop smoking, because that is something that will be beneficial to you both.

Also please do not feel guilty for your inability to travel abroad or go anywhere right now. You will recover from this disorder and be able to do everything and then some of what you want.

So whilst you are working toward your recovery he may very well try to do the same, but of course by weaning himself off of the smoke.

I`m not sure if his controlling and jealous ways will be cured if he stops smoking. I tend to think that the controlling and jealousy are really the man`s insecurities within himself.

However if he were to stop smoking, maybe he would`nt be so insecure (or maybe that is why he smokes) who knows? You won`t know that till he stops or atleast makes an effort to stop.

Then maybe you and he could work togeteher on his insecurities and your anxiety/panic disorder recovery. It would make you both so much stronger and closer.

Good on you for setting a goal for yourself and following through already 2 days this week to get over the 5 mile journey that is causing you so much anxiety. I know this is going to help you immensely.

Keep us posted on your progress. You are doing great!!!!!!

Well done dear. :)

Let your partner know about how frightened you get when you hear sirens and so forth. Let him know you do not want to lose him. Let him know how serious it could be.

Good luck with everything dear.

Men and Children GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! LOL.................. :-D

Take care sweetie,

Diana xxxxxoooo

11-05-04, 18:10
Hiya Meg,

Great Post!!!!!!!!

Very good information and facts.


Diana xxxxx

11-05-04, 18:32

She is her fathers daughter.

She may have inherited more of his emotional genes than your 17yr old did.

As she matures, she may realize and change.

Meanwhile it sounds like your energies are much more appreciated by the rest of the family.

If she calls and asks for something - help out if you feel you want to. Not because it's the only way of pleasing or seeing her.

When I was being rebellious, Mum never ever called me as she didn't like the abrupt way I spoke to her and how it made her feel.
When I did phone home she would be Mum , as loving and listening as ever but never probed into anything I didn't volunteer willingly.

I would rattle off a mile a minute and then get cross that she hadn't remembered each of my friends, tutors and their entire lives, that I had mentioned last time I called several weeks previously ... In the end she started taking notes so she could be more 'with it' when I finally phoned...

We laugh about it now and we speak every day.

I'm sorry it's causing you such pain Diana.


'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

11-05-04, 20:07

Believe it or not it is normal behaviour for teenagers. They do not want to tell there parents anything and you asking will get you no answers. They will tell you only what they want you to know, stressful i know but i'm just hopeing that i have installed in them enough right from wrong that all will turn out well when they decided to grow up. Here's a small thing that happened with me on our Mother's day which was in March. My daughter who is 20 was of to her boyfriends on the friday and cause i would not help her find something as she was shouting at me she slammed out of the door and when Mother's day arrived on the Sunday i heard nothing no phone call, i was feeling very sorry for myself as my other son 22 was at his girlfriends and my 18 year old son said he was sorry but had no money so could not buy me anything but did say happy mother's day for me and made me breakfast which he has always done since he was old enough. So when my 22 year old son rang and said he had hid a card for me and told me where to find it that was it i was of crying and then he got upset and said we would take me out for something to eat in the week something i might add he has never done before. My 18 rang my daughter and told her i was upset but she refused to ring me and did not talk to me when she did come home and this went on for a few weeks till i broke it. Just thought i'd mention that as you were so upset over mother's day but just to tell you that is kids for you. My 22 year old said to me the other day that its only now that he realise's all that i do and how much he loves me he tells me lots now. Hang in there they do grow up.
I think also daughter's are more tougher you see boys hate to see you upset well my boys don't anyway. Ny daughter seems to take delight in hurting me and i always used to show it till i was told that is just what she wants so now i do not show anything and have to say i don't get all the nasty things said anymore.

Take care

12-05-04, 12:01

I'm sorry you are still getting so much agro from you daughter. It must hurt very much. Let's just hope it is a 'phase' (albeit quite a long one) that she is going through and she gets over it soon.

You must be stressed up to the eyeballs with her and I know because she is your daughter you can't put it out of your mind. The hurt must run deep.

I'm glad the rest of your kids are so supportive and appreciate you.

Look after yourself
Thinking of You


lilac kitten
12-05-04, 16:19

Sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your daughter. We love our children so much and protect them when they are babies, encourage them at school and want nothing more than to see them do well.

When I was younger I suffered anxiety, and also I was bullied at school by three girls, hence I chose the wrong friends for a while and rebelled. Then when I reached 18 I was a horror. Even though I was still living at home, my parents insisted I was in at a respectable time and had their own ground rules, but I never listened. All I wanted was to be loved, to be popular, to have a nice boyfriend, get married and settle down. But the outside of me was a hardened shell who did what she wanted, stayed out all night, didn't tell my parents where I was going or what I was doing being popular was more important.

Anyway, when I reached about 25 things had settled and my parents helped me buy my first house. We then became closer than ever. Unfortunately four years after moving out my mother took her own life due to depression, and now eights years after that my father has died suddenly. I was lucky to have changed and had the chance to make them proud of me and say goodbye and tell them I loved them - also I am adopted so their love meant a lot.

This goes back to the "don't know what you've got till its gone". I regret so much my teenage years, and wish I had spoken to my parents about my real problems and insecurities. However, I had the chance to make them proud. I wish I could be saying these words to your daughter because its her who needs to take on board this valuable lesson that once someone has gone they can never be replaced.

Try and see if you can get to just you and her and sit and talk, it could be losing her father, bullying, anxieties of her own, or plainly just the fact she sees no big deal in her behavior, and as most of the others have said just being a teenager. But as a mother we do worry about underlying problems.

I truely hope you can get somewhere with her, and please keep us posted with updates and let us know how things are going - or not going, either way I hope we can offer some sort of words of comfort.

Take care,