identity crisis....obsessing

[star2001]

hi all. from those who have read my previous threads im a real worrier and sufer with obsessive thoughts.

anyway....this problem rears its head often and have been obsessing for a few days now :(

im a size 12/14 quite a curvy girl but obviously after having a little boy im not as toned and flat stomached as i would like. somedays im fine and know i look fine but other days like the past few.....im obsessed that im huge.... i have a real thing about my legs at the minute. im just convinced there short and fat, even though they have always been quite a muscular shape. i just cant stop thinking about it...and what other people must think of me wearing tight jeans when my legs are so big :(

i think it all stems from the fact i use to be tiny (8-10) and used my looks alot. i love my more natural look but i cant help comparing myself to others and feeling i just dont compare. like i can look in the mirror and feel good then stand next to friends collegues and feel awful :( i also get upset because people describe me as curvy (which i am) but i cant help but think they are politely saying im fat.

it seems a pattern like just before i get ill with my mental health i obsess about my looks :( i also feel superficial for moaning about my looks which makes me feel guilty but i just cant help but feel this way :(
thanks for listening x x x

[bignik]

12/14 is a good size , be proud of who you are , its what is in the inside that counts I say :)

[star2001]

i guess the problem isnt really my size its just getting these ideas in my head and not being able to shake them :(

[bignik]

yep I can identify ..... try let them pass by , not easy by any means at times , my psychologist says to me stay in the present day , I go to see her and start rambling on and on and she says what have I told you stay in the present ... I am I answer , as soon as I awake these thoughts just keep pouring in to my head .... not as if we can stop them is it

keep your chin up :)

[star2001]

i know, its so easy to get swept away by the what ifs, and scenarios these thoughts create. i always feel better once i get these things out there. sometimes physically reading my thoughts or saying them is enough to let them pass. ugh. its times like this i feel like i should be back on meds :( do you see your paychologist privatel or via nhs??

[bignik]

nhs , working on CBT at the moment following a 3 month stay in hospital :( , not easy I always have to write my thoughts down and then try rationalise them

[hoshi]

i can so totally relate to this. i've struggled with my image for years because of BDD. i've always been quite short, muscular in the legs and pear-shaped. i was a size 12-14 for most of my teens and i always felt ok with it, then when i was in my early twenties i lost some weight and dropped down to a size 10. although i looked perfectly fine before, when i saw myself in photos i felt utterly disgusted at how 'big' i thought i was.

retrospectively i began to wonder if all that time i felt fine about my size people actually thought i was really fat, and that thought spiralled into 'what if now i think i look ok and people still think i'm fat- it happened before so it must be true, maybe i'm unable to see it'. i started to become really obsessive about my size and was really harsh on myself until i got down to an 8- and i let the number dictate how i felt about myself instead of how i actually looked. my family would comment on how thin i seemed and i was secretly really pleased that i was one of the smallest out of the women i knew even though it was unnatural for me and i was having to literally starve myself to maintain it.

eventually i balanced back out to a size 10 which is healthy for me, and i became happy with myself the majority of the time. but when i'm having a bad lapse all of that goes straight out the window, as soon as i see a girl my age who is one of those really slim little petite types who were made to fit into drainpipe jeans and a tiny vest, and if you picked them up and shook them absolutely nothing would wobble. it just makes me feel like such a lump and it's almost like my brain goes 'oh by the way all this time you've actually been absurdly short and stocky, not slim and cute like you wanted' and all that hard work disappears like a poof of smoke. it's really, really not fun at all.

i hope you can overcome this as i know how badly it can affect you in so many ways.. best of luck :hugs:

[star2001]

hi hoshi thanks for the post.... its good to know im not the only one. im feeling better today, just trying not to think about it too much :(

[hoshi]

no problem, i always feel better knowing other people are going through the same thing as me. makes it a bit easier to cope on the really shitty days and when it seems like no-one understands at all :hugs:

stay strong and surround yourself with things you enjoy :D

[Mountainclimber]

Stop thinking what people think of you,and start feeling good about yourself, we all come in different shapes and sizes, but its whats on the inside that counts, Look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I'm looking good kid" Think positive , act positive, and you will be positive. And forget what people think. :whistles:

[star2001]

thanks murphys law :) just to let you all know im feeling much better :)

[hoshi]

good to hear Star, i'm happy for you! :hugs: