panicking more and dp because of separation

[RavenLight]

so, i was doing well for a while. really well. going to bed early, getting up early. even when i didn't have a lot to do i was happy to be awake. and, now, the panic is coming back and the dp goes in and out.
my bf and i have been together a little over 4 years. he's been the most consistent man in my son's life. this has been my family. we broke up last june but continued to live together because we couldn't afford to move out. that was my excuse but i believed we would get back together. so now our lease is up in 2 months and the reality of it is finally starting to hit me.
he says he's made up his mind and doesn't want to continue though he still loves me and is going to miss me and everything else people say when they're the ones leaving.
we've lived in this complex for over 2 years and my son has all of his friends here. my parents live across the way so it all works out well. but, i don't want to live here (in this complex, city or state) if we break up. it's too hard for me to look around and be reminded of him. i've got other places i could go but i'm terrified of completely uprooting and leaving my parents.
i keep feeling like life is going to end in 2 months. that, after he drives away i'm going to crumble and the dp and panic are going to take over because i'm having such a hard time and i'm going to lose it. and i hate that this is happening. it's like death. it feels like i'm watching him die and there's nothing i can do.
i woke up yesterday in a panic and spent half the day feeling dizzy and thinking i should go to the ER. i don't want my life to stop again. but i really feel scared and lost and the sadness is overwhelming.
i've always been able to see past my other relationships. knew that despite the pain of the loss i was going to be ok. when i met this guy i really believed that we would get old together. i was married before and this feels more like a divorce than my actual divorce.
anyway, sorry this is so long. i just don't know how to deal with this. how to be strong. how not to panic. how to change my thinking and perspective.
any support and encouragement would be so appreciated. especially, obviously, from those that have have been through it. please please remind me that there's life after.

[nicola1980]

Hi hun, there IS life after believe me ive been through it twice, the second time was the hardest for me and i had to rebuild mine and my son's whole life, we had to find somewhere else to live etc and i was an absolute mess my head was wrecked as i still loved my ex with all my heart and the hardest thing was letting him go but i got through it with the support of my friends and family and you will too, yes it will take time but time is a great healer, i felt like my heart had been broken, my friend literally had to pick me off the floor onee day as i just sat there rocking and crying my heart out, she took me to the dctor who upped my meds and signed me off work and eventually i got better i mean i had too as i had to be strong for my son as not only had my world turned upside down but so had his, time is a great healer but please believe me when i say you WILL get through this, im now happily married to a fantastic man so there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel your in at the moment, lots of love and :hugs: xx

[mashedbanana]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing - you say other breakups were easier to deal with but because you're in the middle of this one it seems like the worst of all. There is life after separation, of course there is, you've done it before and you have your son and your parents to help you through this.

Once the deed is done you can get on with your life without your ex-boyfriend stringing you along. You'll have a clear-cut situation and you can get on with making yourself strong on your own. Don't rush into fleeing the town -can you stay with your parents for a while? Or other friends? Or get a short-term rental somewhere? If you rush to move away you may find yourself feeling alone and you'll start pining for your ex.

Remember, he is your ex now so use the next two months to stay calm, start planning your move and putting some distance between you. You will win! xx

[RavenLight]

thanks, guys. i'm trying really hard to stay positive. some moments are better than others. perhaps it's also that feeling of being out of control. there's no way for me to change things. at least not with him and me. and, i hear you, nicola, about having to literally be picked up off the floor. it's painful.
like i said earlier, though, with my other relationships, even though they were tough as well, i could see past them. i always knew that if they ended i would be ok eventuallly and move on. with this one, i'm having such a hard time imagining life without him. and then the anxiety and panic and dp crop up telling me that i will fade away or that life won't be "real" once it's really over. guess i'm hoping for reassurance that this too is part of the anxiety/panic and i will be ok. that i eventually will surface and be able to have a new life.
also, it's very hard trying to concentrate and make plans when your mind keeps shutting down. i feel so weak and stupid because of the anxiety/panic.
thanks for listening. this has been my solace, knowing that, at the very least, i can come here and be around others who understand.
so, thanks. :)