how do I stop the worry escalating

[sickandtired]

right here we go again....
last week i did so well ,letting my daughter go swimming with the school and being rational with my fears....now Im faced with another and not sure wether i can be rational
Ive only ever allowed my youngest to sleep at one friends house.....I know and trust her parents,plus they only live at the bottom of my street...
For the past few months my 9 year old daughter has been talking about sleeping over at another friends house,who by the way is a lovely girl and I would like her to have more than one good friend...but
already the ruminations have already started...."do they have a good smoke alarm ?(with working batteries),will they be playing out in the street ?(its double parked where they live,and I really would rather she didnt play out)
last year she was chased home by a 'bad man',and so her newfound freedom was stopped...she has to play on the front of our house now.
....would if she has an asthma attack?
at the moment Im calm,but apparantly her friend's mum is going to speak to me about her sleeping and I just wont be able to help myself asking about a smoke alarm and she,s gunna think im a freak and probably be offended......
(I even pester my Mum about locks and alarms when my kids stay over at her house!)
I hate thinking like this

[nicola1980]

Im exactly the same hun, my son went on a school trip in sept for 4 days and 3 nights and i was an absolute mess, on the morning he was due to leave i was violently sick, he had an amaxing time but me well i was a wreck, we all want to keep our children safe and when mines with me i know hes safe! if your not comfortable about your daughter going to her friends for a sleep over then why not have her friend come to your house for one instead? xx

[sickandtired]

its horrible isnt it,my eldest daughter went on a France trip last year and i was in bits,couldnt stop crying.....yes retching too....thinking the most terrible things,which of course never happened.
i think i will ask if her friend can stay here instead,but there will be a time when she,ll want to stay at hers.....god im so pathetic,i need to get a grip

[nicola1980]

well if your pathetic hun then so am i!! xx

[sickandtired]

are you having cbt nicola?

[nicola1980]

I have weekly councilling and my councillor touches on a bit of cbt, cbt can be very hard and i benefit more from just the councilling with a little cbt thrown in!! xx

[sickandtired]

do you have panic attacks too?

[nicola1980]

yes but touch wood not as frequently as i was having them, ive recently just changed meds from cit to mirtazapine, the cit made my anxiety and panic so much worse but i stuck at it from sept till nearly 3 weeks ago hoping it would kick in but unfortunatly it didn't hence my swap to mirtazapine xx

[sickandtired]

ive been lucky...im on fluoxetine and its seems to have stopped my panic attacks (although,initally my anxiety went through the roof in the first few weeks).Im getting good sleep now and really looking after myself...just the little nagging worries i need to understand and sort out.Its taken me years to relate my panic attacks to my worrying....and my worrying,to my past.
Going to go for a walk now as its weeks since Ive been for one,really does help with my general wellbeing.Really hope the Mirt works for you soon,take care xx

[angel wings]

your not alone i feel really anxious and sick when my son stays at his friends even though i know them and sure he will be fine,i let him walk to school on his own today and am really worried about that but did phone the school to make sure he got in ok , i try not to watch the news as there are so many horrible storys and makes me worse,but i have to remember they need to do things to get life experience i was always out and about when i was a kid but know how you feel my sons also got a trip to France in may which i know im going to be panicking about grrrr wish i could be more relaxed or does it show that you are a just a good parent x

[lauz_lea]

Hi Donna, sorry you're worrying again, maybe its too soon to let your daughter stay at her friends house, but letting her friend stay the night at your is a good idea, then maybe re-visit your daughter staying at her friends in a months time, and get to know her friends mum a little better so you can casually pose some of those worrying questions you have.

[Jamesk]

Yup really not alone. Mine is 24 (25 in July) and a health professional, and I still have an hour every morning and every afternoon when I am accutely concious he is cycling across London to work.

I was nearly having kittens last year when he was cycling through some of the riot areas whilst they were going on. :ohmy:

But it's what we do as parents. What you must not do is let your child perceive and so come to share your fears. My mother articulated hers and "shared" them with me (thanks Mum!) which I am certain contributed to me being the anxious person I am today.

I was therefore determined to let my son get on with things with his mates, regardless of my fears and concerns, it is really really hard to do, but worth it.

I get such joy from seeing him so much more laid back and calm thanh i have ever been. In fact if he was much more laid back he would fall over.

[sickandtired]

yeah Ive thought about that Laura....I just feel so mean questioning people all the time.I think people get the wrong impression of me.....might think Im snobbish,but Im far from it....if only they knew my inner turmoil....Im fine once I get to know someone
its just this girls Mum had a boyfriend who was quite mouthy and argumentative in public with her.....
I know I will worry that there might be some ongoing conflict as this ex boyfriend lives nearby
Angel Wings - I get what you mean...you feel like youre being a good Mum.....but the constant worrying takes its toll....I just want to be a normal good Mum,who can sleep at night!

---------- Post added at 11:34 ---------- Previous post was at 11:24 ----------

Oh James,I get what you mean totally.
My daughter became scared that someone would get her after school and ended up crying one day when I was just a minute late (I am NEVER late) ....my car wouldnt start and I set off running for my life imagining how upset she,d be and hoping she didnt go out of the playground.
To be honest though,I dont think I instilled that worry with her....she had been chased home with a weirdo a few weeks before and my sister in law had to report a man to the police as he was driving by the school saying stuff to my niece as she walked home.
Im doing well with my son though who's 16....he,s tall ...6ft 2 and is into body building,he,s a strong lad....but that doesnt stop other fears....drugs,alcohol,being stabbed.He is allowed out at night,but has a habit of not answering his mobile or just switching it off....grrr
And Im ok with my other daughter who's 13....I let her wear make up ,choose her own clothes etc.Im just not ready to let her 'doss' on the streets yet.(lots of asian gangs grooming young girls in the town)
some of my worry is just a natural concern.....but some just gets blown way out of proportion.....and its like Im addicted to worrying......like,so long as I worry and cover every possible scenario,they,ll be safe.....Im scared that if I let my guard down too much....something bad will happen
as for London.....well i get it totally....both my brothers work in London often and I always worry about terrorism,traffic and gangs etc ...it really just gets beyond a joke sometimes

[Jamesk]

but has a habit of not answering his mobile or just switching it off....grrr............some of my worry is just a natural concern.....but some just gets blown way out of proportion.....and its like Im addicted to worrying......like,so long as I worry and cover every possible scenario.........as for London.....well i get it totally....both my brothers work in London often and I always worry about terrorism,traffic and gangs etc ...it really just gets beyond a joke sometimes

Hmmm yes the 'phone thing yes - I texted mine about 8.00am and no answer yet so starting to get a litle anxious although I know it is because he is in work probably.

You are right it is a difficult tension between looking out for them which is, after all our job as parents, and letting the worry drive us to ridiculous lengths.

London, again, yes "why couldn't he have stayed here at home in our safe little market town" is a common thought which I can only try and counter with "because he is grown up and making his own decisions."

I hate this damned worry all the time, but what can we do. :blush:

[ShazyA]

I always thought I was just a responsible parent, its my responsibility to ensure my children are safe and expect the same level of care while they are away that I give them at home. Maybe my anxiety plays a part and I just never realised before. Ask your questions, I bet the other mum doesnt think anything odd and will just see you as a responsible caring parent.

[sickandtired]

I let her stay over.....the family are lovely....and she also has similar worries about her daughter....they spent the whole day playing indoors and they were fine going to the shop....no road to cross.
Ive even let my daughter go to our local shop with her friend now....feeling more confident and relaxed,the ruminations are being rationalised,im sure these meds have changed my way of thinking