Peter Charles
05-03-12, 23:17
Day 36
Why day 36? The answer is two-fold. The former reason pushes to the front of my mind because of my voracious appetite for gambling that has been me for the last 12 months. When I say it has been me I mean that quite literally, it has consumed me to the point of exclusion of all around me. 36 – Red 36, my favourite number on roulette.
I can see no exact point in my life where gambling suddenly switched from a habit to an addiction. If I could pinpoint this time it would be day 1, the only reason I know I’m at day 36 is because it’s the end, the end of the game. This is not by own choice, not by own conscious choice anyway. It’s because my addiction had taken me to a point of (almost) no return. To a point whereby I am in such a frame of mind that my life does not function normally, my state of mind altered beyond my control. My mum was the one that told me that my mind is the most powerful thing I possess. What I inferred from this and what I think was the desired outcome was to lead me to the conclusion that I could do, think, imagine and become anything I wanted. I had the most powerful tool required and it was to my disposal. Have you spotted the error? This powerful tool was not at my disposal. I have become subject to its every whim.
For someone like me your mind is never in your control. If I had control over my mind I would never have chosen the route that I’ve taken. If someone had control of their mind why would they choose gambling, why would they choose thievery and why would they choose deceit. These are three things I disagree with on a moral level, however this has had no bearing on the actions I took. So I need to consider what’s led me here. I am at day 36. I’m at the end of the game and I need to work my way back in order to be at a position whereby it’s my decision whether or not to play the game.
Now the initial flurry is out of the way it’s time to take a considered approach to how I got here. The first thing to consider is that this is not going to be the piece of literature worthy of publicising Josh, to anyone other than you this is going to look like the ramblings of a madman, which, to be honest, is exactly what it is. Who needs Oxford Press anyway?
I need a starting point and I think the most appropriate one would be when I was 18, maybe 17, I’m not sure, I was in college anyway. I was in a tutor group class, one of those lessons where there is absolutely no aim, no objective….and no lesson learnt! I was hot, I was uncomfortable and I was dying. Quite literally. Well, in my head anyway. Heart palpitations, profuse sweating, shaking, dizziness, and shortness of breath. I was definitely not going to make it. This was my first ever panic attack, probably one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, in fact I’m lying, it was the most terrifying experience. I had several of these panic attacks over the next few months, gradually dealing with them a little better each time as my knowledge grew of what they were and how I could deal with them. I will call these panic attacks level one panic attacks, panic attacks are now referred to as a separate entity, they are not me, they are an invading force, they are Nazi Germany, I don’t like their occupying force and I don’t want to suffer under their oppression any longer. If World War 2 is an accurate depiction of my panic attacks then I should be free of their belligerency by the age of 25. One can only hope. There was no need for that elaborate metaphoric description of my perception of a panic attack but liked it, it flowed off of the….keyboard? Anyway, these were level one panic attacks, they had limited knowledge of their foreign land (i.e. Me, I am Great Britain, to quote Hugh Grant in ‘About a boy’ I am a man, and every man is an island. It’s a shame this island hasn’t become impregnable. I will now refrain from referring to myself as an island, Great Britain, and being under attack by Nazi Germany.
So this was the first time in my life whereby my life was not ‘normal’…. cue everyone to shout WHAT IS NORMAL?! Well I was normal before, to my standards anyway. My day would consist of waking up, going about my daily life and then going to bed. All in a days work. No worries, no problems, strife or troubles. I envy people that do that.
End of Chapter Thirty six
Next Chapter: Chapter Nineteen
Why day 36? The answer is two-fold. The former reason pushes to the front of my mind because of my voracious appetite for gambling that has been me for the last 12 months. When I say it has been me I mean that quite literally, it has consumed me to the point of exclusion of all around me. 36 – Red 36, my favourite number on roulette.
I can see no exact point in my life where gambling suddenly switched from a habit to an addiction. If I could pinpoint this time it would be day 1, the only reason I know I’m at day 36 is because it’s the end, the end of the game. This is not by own choice, not by own conscious choice anyway. It’s because my addiction had taken me to a point of (almost) no return. To a point whereby I am in such a frame of mind that my life does not function normally, my state of mind altered beyond my control. My mum was the one that told me that my mind is the most powerful thing I possess. What I inferred from this and what I think was the desired outcome was to lead me to the conclusion that I could do, think, imagine and become anything I wanted. I had the most powerful tool required and it was to my disposal. Have you spotted the error? This powerful tool was not at my disposal. I have become subject to its every whim.
For someone like me your mind is never in your control. If I had control over my mind I would never have chosen the route that I’ve taken. If someone had control of their mind why would they choose gambling, why would they choose thievery and why would they choose deceit. These are three things I disagree with on a moral level, however this has had no bearing on the actions I took. So I need to consider what’s led me here. I am at day 36. I’m at the end of the game and I need to work my way back in order to be at a position whereby it’s my decision whether or not to play the game.
Now the initial flurry is out of the way it’s time to take a considered approach to how I got here. The first thing to consider is that this is not going to be the piece of literature worthy of publicising Josh, to anyone other than you this is going to look like the ramblings of a madman, which, to be honest, is exactly what it is. Who needs Oxford Press anyway?
I need a starting point and I think the most appropriate one would be when I was 18, maybe 17, I’m not sure, I was in college anyway. I was in a tutor group class, one of those lessons where there is absolutely no aim, no objective….and no lesson learnt! I was hot, I was uncomfortable and I was dying. Quite literally. Well, in my head anyway. Heart palpitations, profuse sweating, shaking, dizziness, and shortness of breath. I was definitely not going to make it. This was my first ever panic attack, probably one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, in fact I’m lying, it was the most terrifying experience. I had several of these panic attacks over the next few months, gradually dealing with them a little better each time as my knowledge grew of what they were and how I could deal with them. I will call these panic attacks level one panic attacks, panic attacks are now referred to as a separate entity, they are not me, they are an invading force, they are Nazi Germany, I don’t like their occupying force and I don’t want to suffer under their oppression any longer. If World War 2 is an accurate depiction of my panic attacks then I should be free of their belligerency by the age of 25. One can only hope. There was no need for that elaborate metaphoric description of my perception of a panic attack but liked it, it flowed off of the….keyboard? Anyway, these were level one panic attacks, they had limited knowledge of their foreign land (i.e. Me, I am Great Britain, to quote Hugh Grant in ‘About a boy’ I am a man, and every man is an island. It’s a shame this island hasn’t become impregnable. I will now refrain from referring to myself as an island, Great Britain, and being under attack by Nazi Germany.
So this was the first time in my life whereby my life was not ‘normal’…. cue everyone to shout WHAT IS NORMAL?! Well I was normal before, to my standards anyway. My day would consist of waking up, going about my daily life and then going to bed. All in a days work. No worries, no problems, strife or troubles. I envy people that do that.
End of Chapter Thirty six
Next Chapter: Chapter Nineteen