Really beginning to feel that the situation is hopeless

[TallAndrew]

Hi guys, I am sorry for the frequency of my posting here but I am again in real need of peer support. Right now in my life I should be on top of the world, I have a great gf, and have just been offered a new job. Instead I am feeling at my lowest ebb and really just want to go to my bed and cry and cry and cry. I absolutely hate myself and in my eyes for good reason. In short, in my own head it feels like I have betrayed my gf and in a way it feels like I have a split personality. Part of me is a kind good natured person (or so I am told) and the other appears to be a heartless, emotionless souless person and it is this side of me that has caused the angst. In short, I have fantasized about other women and in particular one girl, who I haven't even met but very briefly chatted online (before I met my gf) and who I was friends with on Facebook. I will make this clear, that we had no contact once I was in a relationship yet because of her wearing a particular type of clothing that I find attractive on a girl I found myself fantasising about her, and the more I tried to get her out of my head the harder it was. I even had trouble deleting her from facebook as a friend today, to stop this problem happening again, why would I have such angst for Christs sake, I have never met the girl in my life!! This could also be applied to just generally walking past women in the street. It seems the more I try and not look at them, the more I do look at them and it is causing my so much pain, my guess is that all of this is linked to intrusive thoughts, though I am really not sure. My head is a real mess and the one person I would love to talk to about this is my gf, yet she is the last person I can talk to. I feel at the end of my tether and I feel I have let her down badly and part of me wants to end the relationship because she deserves better.

[bonanne]

And.....? This is just normal behaviour. Everyone has secret thoughts in their heads and everyone is attracted to other people no matter whether they love their partners or not. Your thoughts are your own and you are harming no one. Who knows who your girlfriend thinks of and who cares? Wh is with you. You are totally fine

[theharvestmouse]

You can't think too much about this because if you start thinking about every little thought then you will go mad. I can imagine how you have got into this state because in the past I got very angry with my own intrusive thoughts. But don't lose your girlfriend over this because you will feel even worse.

[bignik]

always tell yourself a thought is only a thought , and a thought wont harm you , like said its normal its just how your interpretating it and the fact you are a genuine nice person is why you would worry about such a thought in the first instance.

[TallAndrew]

I know what you are saying bonanne and on the surface you would be right, but I feel that there is a problem deeper than that, this intrusive voice has been saying to me, perhaps you should dump your gf and try and hook up with this girl, it is like I have a non-sensical part of my brain and it is really bugging me. It is this part of my head, voices if you will that is getting stronger and stronger and I really don't like it. I wish there were a way to turn these intrusive thoughts/actions off.

[bignik]

there isn't a way , no matter how hard or wish them away they will always be there , you have to accept that in order to move on Andrew , if you dont you end up trapped in that vicious circle , dont look for a problem deeper than that , you either love your girlfriend or dont , the fact you dont really like the voices that is getting stronger and stronger is basically telling you that you do love your girlfriend and dumping her is a bad idea , why hook up with a girl you havent met and leave someone you know and trust , it doesnt make sense , you have to look at your thoughts rationally , anxiety is playing with your mind is all.

Dont try and convince yourself otherwise because you might just dump your girlfriend , meet this person from facebook , you have kidded yourself on , you will be in a bigger mess than you are now , and then more intrusive thoughts will come in , why did I do this , why did I do that

hope makes sense in a gentle way :) , go give your girlfriend a hug

[TallAndrew]

Thanks bignik, I shall indeed do just that when I see her, cant beat a good hug and cuddle :)

[TallAndrew]

So I haven't got to see her in short....Tbh things have got worse today, I was out with a work colleague today and she introduced me to a friend who is a good looking girl and I couldn't not look at her without thinking you are hot, I should move nearer you to see if you move nearer me. I cant actually recollect if I moved towards her, apparently with intrusive thoughts and OCD, reality can get distorted and thats probs what happened with regard to recollection. It really troubles me, I have a gf who I care about ffs, what is up with my thought pattens. Technically at no point in the relationship have I cheated, but I am really worn out and on the phone to her earlier I felt cold and heartless, I assume through my own feelings of guilt? Part of me is thinking of ending things tomorrow, yes it is selfish but I can't see any way out to clear my own head.

[Stormsky]

If you are thinking of ending your relationship, then you have nothing to lose by talking to your girlfriend about all this, you say in earlier post that the one person you want to talk to about it all is your gf, so do it! she may be more understanding than you think....
In the midst of anx/depression, rash decisions are not a great idea.... most people suffer with lack of emotion for partners, or any emotion at all for anything for that matter...its all part of the anx, and its not the real you, and you may seriously regret any rash decisions, especially once you are feeling better and its too late to change what you did...
The more you beat yourself up and feel guilt over other women, the more its a constant in your mind... they say that 95% of your thoughts tomorrow will be the same as they were today...if your constantly worrying about why all this is happening, then guaranteed it will be the same thing all over tomorrow....
you havent done anything wrong, you cant cheat by thinking.....
Just be sure before making a rash decision to end a relationship with a great girl you already have.

[bignik]

clear your head Andrew , I think youve bumped your head mate and letting your intrusive thoughts take over.

Im married man of 22 years , I still look at other woman and think phew she is hot too , its our typical male make up , but I still look at my wife and think phew shes hot too , and not only is she hot but I love her , shes the mother of my children and wouldnt trade her for the world.

Your letting your male ego take over your mind , these other girls are just people with outside exteriors , you dont know them , and what is making you feel guilty is your concience. You really do have to assess the true value of your relationship with your current girlfriend and discuss what it is thats missing in your relationship, what you can work at or with to put things right.

I dont know you , I dont your your girlfriend but I think its a little unfair of you to discuss your current predicament with strangers online , we cant really comment or advise you in my opinion.

Dont let your anxiety fool or trick you , write a list , all the pros and all the cons , rationalise properly whats eating away at you , discuss it with your girlfiend and then let nature take its course.

communication is the key with those involved I feel best course of action.

Im not being judgemental , so dont get me wrong , and dont let guilt of thinking some other female you saw you thought was hot get into the way of things either.

Be true to yourself and your heart will follow

[TallAndrew]

Thanks Stormsky and Bignik for the posts. You both are saying that I should talk to her re this and it is absolutely something I will consider. Having had time to calm down I won't end things, as you say, it would be a rash decision and a decidedly stupid one. It is interesting you say re the thoughts getting worse, I think my amateur diagnosis is that I am suffering both from intrusive/compulsive thoughts as well as a principle known as thought action fusion.

[bignik]

always remember Andrew a thought is nothing more nothing less than a thought and a thought will not harm you, your focusing in my opinion more on the thoughts than perhaps the problem in hand. So look at it this way address the problem in hand speak to your girlfriend about the problems your having etc and that might just stop the thoughts .

does that make sense , I hope Im coming across ok .

Trust me I have had some fantastic intrusive thoughts in my high anxiety states of mind , I mean things that are so out of this world , if said to any rational person who thought that I was rational at time of saying would think this guy has lost it , he is an absolute loony tune.

Im lucky my wife knows of my mental health issues , she takes it all with a grain of salt , she grounds me in these times , breaks things down and brings me back to reality. Perhaps worthy speaking to your girlfriend she will have an easier understanding of whats troubling you and help you get thro these moments. Best out than kept in I say , keep it in and it will gnaw and gnaw at you until it hits your bones and you will be that consumed you will be climbing the walls convinced you are going mad.

YOUR ARE NOT MAD ! OK , YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE GUILTY OF AND YOUR A NORMAL HEALTHY YOUNG MALE

this is not a crime :)

read this post

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=111364

now whos going mad LOL you or me ...

neither of us , its anxiety and its wicked wicked ways is all

Perhaps speak to GP and see about getting some CBT with your issues , it may help you if your getting caught up in these intrusive thoughts etc

[theharvestmouse]

I don't understand people, it just scares me how the human mind works.