hi guys im here and scared.

[miniminx]

hello folks...well where do i start,.I am 51 years old and 6 years ago started with what i thought was going mad!! Upon waking the very first thought was fear!!
I didnt know what i was scared of, so my mind would flick through thoughts if that makes sense, trying to find something to be scared of...Then i found it was the fear of being scared!!.
Also without knowing full details of certain people i remembered some who have lost their mind, and done crazy things, one of them couldnt see them self in the mirror! The other one couldnt talk !! So i became fixated on those , thinking with great fear that those things were going to happen to me,..I didnt even know these people personally i just remembered them for their mental state...
I went to my doctor too ashamed to tell her my thoughts but just burst into tears. She gave me citalopram 2 a day...i took those for 2 years and decided last june 2011 i wanted to stop taking them..Since then i have been fine, a couple of wobbles but nothing i couldnt handle.
Then today when i woke "BANG!!! the whole thing has returned!!! Im a tad disappointed though as i have taken 2 of my citalopram that i havent taken for over 8 months...but thats how bad i felt when i woke this morning.
I will see what tomorrow brings but i dont want to stop start them as i know that doesnt work..ill either carry on taking them or stop , IF I DARE! #
Should i report this to my doctor or just tell her in passing the next time i go..as she assumes im stil on them anyway, though as i did tell her id stopped taking them last year.
Some thing is worrying me still though......hopefully a silly thought.but when people do lose control of reality, and get pushed over the edge into a total breakdown...,Is it this what im going through now that would cause it?......that scares me so much , thinking that all these thoughts can cause me to have a breakdown i wont have one will i?
ive had a stresssfull couple of months and dont know if that has brought it back on or is it the menopause? I dont even know if im going through the menopause as i dont have periods anymore due to the type of contraceptive pill that i take..
On the upside, i know that i got better last time..and know i will get rid of these thoughts agasin one day soon hopefully ., apart from the silly thoughts for now im quite healthy xxxxxx HAS ANYONE ELSE FELT ANY OF THESE THINGS?

[diane07]

Hi tis-me2006

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[miniminx]

Thankyou diane will do xx

[ShazyA]

:welcome: I hope you find some help and support here. Dont feel you have failed because you have started taking the tablets today, if you had the flu you would take something for it, why should it be any different for our illnesses? I do understand were you are coming from I come off tablets last year and would be very reluctant to start again, mainly because I know they dont cure they just paint over the cracks.... Dont lose sight of the fact that you have beaten this once before and can do again, dont dwell on it too much and look forward and be proud of your acheivements so far.

[miniminx]

HI THERE , thankyou xxx
what does cure it though??x

[ShazyA]

Hi tis-me well if I had the answer to that one I would be a rich woman lol.. Im not sure there is a cure, we can retrain the way we think, avoid situations, face our demons and so, on but the fear While waiting for the next bout of panic/aniety/depression is always there lurking. but thats just my own personal experience and Im sure other members will have plenty of helpful tips for you.

[miniminx]

Thankyou xxx

[Pipkin]

Hi tis-me and :welcome:

As you said, you know you got better last time and you'll do it again. Lots of people, myself included, will be able to relate to what you're describing. It's a really frightening experience and your mind gets so busy trying to make sense of it that it just makes you feel worse.

Regarding your meds, I would recommend making an appointment to see your GP. As you haven't taken them for a while, you might find that they're no longer on your repeat prescription which could leave you a bit stuck. Even if they are, I think a review would help you and talking about it with someone who understands always helps.

I know you'll find it a comfort to see that other people on here understand and will be happy to support you - it has really helped me.

Take care

Pip x

[miniminx]

THANKYOU PIP X
My fear is that ill end up having i breakdown..i wont will i?:unsure:

[Pipkin]

No you won't! It feels like this but it's your mind which can't make sense of the situation and is jumping to conclusions. I've suffered from anxiety for nearly 30 years and at times, things have got seriously bad but I've always picked myself up and carried on. When you're feeling really bad, it's best to talk to someone - a friend or family member. I find their perspective really helps.

Keep fighting and remember that you will get better, you're not going mad and you won't have a breakdown. You're too strong for that to happen, aren't you?

Take care

Pip :hugs:

[miniminx]

I hope so pip and thankyou xxxxxx
I managed it last time to get well, but it just scares me wondering how many epsidoes it could take if at all to push one , over the edge.....xxx

[Pipkin]

I must have had dozens and dozens of episodes over the years and I refuse to be pushed over the edge, though I've come near a few times.

You can do it!

Pip :bighug1:

[miniminx]

I dont want to end up with mental illness ........AND NOT BE AWARE OF WHAT IM DOING....
could this all be caused by the menopause?

[Tufty]

I read your story and felt I share something in common with you. I've been on meds and they helped but when I stop, it takes a while but the panic returns. You forget how bad the panic is when you haven't had a for a while but when it comes its 'BAM' your life is unrecognisable. Having said this I know, as do you that it will pass, it is the most terrible thing to have and it seems unrelenting but it will go.
As for mental illness or a 'breakdown', no panic attacks are normal exaggerated reaction, I try to think of anxiety as a chemical/hormone imbalance. I spent one month on a psychiatric ward I am ashamed to admit, I went to as low as you can go, but I'm not mad. I believed for a long time I was going to end up mad and sectioned and told be husband to leave me if I did! I spent time with people with psychosis, schizophrenia, bipolar etc, - panic disorder is not like those conditions, we have insight into our illness we may feel mad but we're not. The irrational thoughts are a normal part of the high anxiety state, people with psychotic mental illness have poor insight into their behaviour. You are not mad, you are highly anxious. Good luck