hoshi
18-03-12, 13:19
so, i had kind of a break down last week.
i've been thinking for a good few months now that i haven't been at all happy at college. the work's severely getting on top of me, my tutors are really dissatisfied with my performance. my attendance is pretty low. i went on the course to 'ease' myself back in to education, to explore my art again and to enjoy myself. have a focus to my life. but from the start there was just too much pressure to be there for the purpose of going on to degree, everything became about UCAS and essays and assessments, formal portfolios and interviews in far away parts of the country. all the pressure was on to make life-long choices about where i wanted to go for the next 3 years of my life, and beyond, and sorting out everything from student finance to accommodation; all the work in class and private tutorials with all these major connotations about the state of my future behind them. and what if i don't want to go far away to study at all these different universities i've been forced to choose between? oh no, well then i clearly have no chance because at this rate i probably won't be accepted to stay on here anyway.
ok, so why am i even here again? is it so that i can stay up night after night doing hours of hard work that i've been too utterly demotivated to even look at before now, only to feel like i have to hand it in for a deadline and not because i actually care about what i'm creating? and on the final day to rush it, throw it together in my cheap portfolio and drag it all to college on an hour-long bus journey, while each second my body is screaming at me for not having slept or barely eaten in 72 hours? while my heart is arrythmic, i feel sick, sweaty, shaky, like all my insides have been liquidated and every muscle is cramping in protest, and even though my brain has gone numb and my vision is as wobbly as my legs i literally stagger to class, and all i can think about constantly over and over in my head is the moment my tutor calls me over to look through my work, which alone creates enough adrenalin to stop me from simply collapsing? and repeat week after week after week...?
and now that i've blown my chances of finishing the end of year assessments anyway, my family still don't want to consider any other option than me going back. after my drunken emotional outburst my sister got in touch with my psychologist and explained she thought i was 'clearly in a very deep depression' and then took me to my GP so i could go back on medication, which is fair enough i thought, until she took the opportunity to turn the consultation with the doctor into an umpired argument with me about whether i was genuinely mentally ill or not. and now she's barely acknowledging my existence in the house, doing all these little things to singal her annoyance with me. and i feel like i've been having to hide out until after she's gone to bed before i can get a drink or have dinner, so that i avoid her spiteful aura.
it's been 3 days and we've barely exchanged 'hello's' and i have no idea how long it will be until the air clears, but i'm already getting seriously paranoid in ways that remind me horribly of when i was a teenager living in my dad's house- like having things cut off one by one without warning, or having priveleges removed with no explanation. i came down from my room this morning to find that nobody was in, and after a very cautious few minutes of looking around to check that it was safe, i went to the living room and automatically thought to turn on the TV only to realise that the remote was nowhere to be seen. now in a house with 2 very young kids this isn't unheard of for things to get hidden, but immediately i was struck by the idea that my sister had taken it as a punishment to me. and after looking around i still couldn't find it, the idea crept over me and i started wondering if other things had been done. i wondered if they'd changed the password on the internet for example, or taken the plugs out of things in the kitchen so i couldn't make food, and i found myself going around the house and checking to see if i was right. but everything seems normal, and i was able to set up my computer and get internet access as usual, so now i'm worrying that maybe i am going crazy...
i have no idea why i do this to myself. :doh:
i've been thinking for a good few months now that i haven't been at all happy at college. the work's severely getting on top of me, my tutors are really dissatisfied with my performance. my attendance is pretty low. i went on the course to 'ease' myself back in to education, to explore my art again and to enjoy myself. have a focus to my life. but from the start there was just too much pressure to be there for the purpose of going on to degree, everything became about UCAS and essays and assessments, formal portfolios and interviews in far away parts of the country. all the pressure was on to make life-long choices about where i wanted to go for the next 3 years of my life, and beyond, and sorting out everything from student finance to accommodation; all the work in class and private tutorials with all these major connotations about the state of my future behind them. and what if i don't want to go far away to study at all these different universities i've been forced to choose between? oh no, well then i clearly have no chance because at this rate i probably won't be accepted to stay on here anyway.
ok, so why am i even here again? is it so that i can stay up night after night doing hours of hard work that i've been too utterly demotivated to even look at before now, only to feel like i have to hand it in for a deadline and not because i actually care about what i'm creating? and on the final day to rush it, throw it together in my cheap portfolio and drag it all to college on an hour-long bus journey, while each second my body is screaming at me for not having slept or barely eaten in 72 hours? while my heart is arrythmic, i feel sick, sweaty, shaky, like all my insides have been liquidated and every muscle is cramping in protest, and even though my brain has gone numb and my vision is as wobbly as my legs i literally stagger to class, and all i can think about constantly over and over in my head is the moment my tutor calls me over to look through my work, which alone creates enough adrenalin to stop me from simply collapsing? and repeat week after week after week...?
and now that i've blown my chances of finishing the end of year assessments anyway, my family still don't want to consider any other option than me going back. after my drunken emotional outburst my sister got in touch with my psychologist and explained she thought i was 'clearly in a very deep depression' and then took me to my GP so i could go back on medication, which is fair enough i thought, until she took the opportunity to turn the consultation with the doctor into an umpired argument with me about whether i was genuinely mentally ill or not. and now she's barely acknowledging my existence in the house, doing all these little things to singal her annoyance with me. and i feel like i've been having to hide out until after she's gone to bed before i can get a drink or have dinner, so that i avoid her spiteful aura.
it's been 3 days and we've barely exchanged 'hello's' and i have no idea how long it will be until the air clears, but i'm already getting seriously paranoid in ways that remind me horribly of when i was a teenager living in my dad's house- like having things cut off one by one without warning, or having priveleges removed with no explanation. i came down from my room this morning to find that nobody was in, and after a very cautious few minutes of looking around to check that it was safe, i went to the living room and automatically thought to turn on the TV only to realise that the remote was nowhere to be seen. now in a house with 2 very young kids this isn't unheard of for things to get hidden, but immediately i was struck by the idea that my sister had taken it as a punishment to me. and after looking around i still couldn't find it, the idea crept over me and i started wondering if other things had been done. i wondered if they'd changed the password on the internet for example, or taken the plugs out of things in the kitchen so i couldn't make food, and i found myself going around the house and checking to see if i was right. but everything seems normal, and i was able to set up my computer and get internet access as usual, so now i'm worrying that maybe i am going crazy...
i have no idea why i do this to myself. :doh: